I’ve known Santa for many years, we used to vacation at the same villa down in the Caribbean. What, you didn’t think he takes time off? Nobody can live in the North Pole year-round, and let’s face it, that job is full of stress. One year, I remember Santa did not go south and went “Here’s Johnny” on Mrs. Claus around mid-March. She had to lock herself in the toy shed for three days. Of course, Santa wears “civies” when he isn’t working, and could easily be mistaken for one of the other elder white-bearded, fair-skinned snowbirds. I’ll tell you one thing, Santa in Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals, and a Hawaiian shirt is not a pretty sight. I worry about his mental health, especially this year with the pandemic, but he’s been through much worse. To follow is a past report which touches upon some of Santa’s past problems:
12/24/97 - Yes, only three more shopping days until
Christmas, and the stress is omnipresent. I heard on the radio this morning
that one in five Canadians polled confirmed, given any more stress, they would
just snap. Job security and financial woes top the list of stressors, but the
holiday season can be the candy cane that broke the reindeer’s back.
I’ve always been sympathetic to Santa Claus, because I don’t
think most folks appreciate the pressure that guy is under. It’s feast or
famine with him, because he has a slow season for eleven months, and then BANG!,
it’s the Christmas push. For those of
you who may not have followed my Claus coverage over the past four years, let
me bring you up to speed.
First there was the FWI charge (flying while intoxicated)
near the North Pole back in 1993. That one almost buried him. Then in ‘94, Mrs.
Claus had that fling with the Kuwaiti arms dealer down in Rio. My wife thinks
she was going through menaclaus. That was not a good thing for Santa’s mental
health. In 1995, two of his key toy-making elves were riddled with bullets in a
slide-by shooting. It is a little-known fact that elf gangs are about as ruthless
and bloody as they come. Don’t let their size fool you, those little buggers
will get you down on the ground and stomp you to death. Then, this past year,
there was that ugly tax evasion scandal. I don’t even think Santa should even
need to pay taxes, but welcome to the real world.
This year is no different, and with the mail strikes, elf
walkouts, three reindeer down with hoof and antler disease, two hundred and
fifty-three unsettled roof damage lawsuits in New York State alone, the
collapse of the Asian real estate market, etc., etc., Santa should be one chimney away from losing
it.
Every year around this time, at least one story surfaces
about Santa abuse. I mean abuse TO Santa, not from him. Goodness knows there’s
always some unfortunate story about how one of his “helpers” - you know, the
ones who are dressed to look like him and work the malls and special events -
gets drunk or mauls someone. In Buffalo once, and to my complete
disgust, I actually saw one of Santa’s “helpers” relieving himself against a
building on upper Main Street. It’s not something I want to dwell upon, but it
happens, just like it happens to so many other celebrities these days. You get
a little bad press and bang-zoom, you’re the bad guy (or gal). Santa can’t be
responsible for all the people called upon to impersonate him, and there’s no
question we need those helper Santas to assure that the Christmas machine runs
smoothly. Anyhow, sometimes those helpers get abused too.
Just the other day, I heard on the news that a helper Santa
had been fired from some department store after he reprimanded a bad kid for
pulling his beard and kicking him in the gonads. If you ask me, any kid who
kicks Santa in the balls deserves not only a pile of steaming chicken feces in
his or her stocking, but also a compulsory, twenty-four hour, non-stop, Barney
the Dinosaur video fest. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they can’t be
evil.
Anyhow, don’t get stressed this holiday season and, if you
get a chance, try and make someone besides a retailer happy this year. For all
the hype, and all the artificial goodwill swirling around this time of year,
there is a lot of good out there, and a lot of good people want nothing more
from you than a little respect and some recognition. Be nice, call someone you
know is lonely, help someone out who needs it ... and cut Santa some slack this
year, he’s doing the best he can. Happy holidays!
I hope anyone reading
this report has a safe holiday. Stay connected however you can; this too shall
pass. Take care of your family and friends and make the best of these hard
times. I’ll be back in the new year.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No comments:
Post a Comment