The Oppenheimer Report 5/25/10

Jasper, our Miniature Schnauzer, had some teeth removed last week, and anytime our dog is put under anesthesia, I worry about her. She came through the surgery just fine, and as I begin this week’s report she is lying on the couch semi-stoned as she comes down from the anesthesia. Right now she’s staring blankly at a throw pillow. The Schnauzer breed is notorious for dental problems, and while we did follow the breeder’s instructions regarding dental hygiene, apparently not well enough, Jasper got an infected tooth which in turn spread to other teeth,. That oversight on our part necessitated a large set of extractions. Have you ever tried to brush a dog’s teeth? It’s not so easy. Anyhow, it’s always something with pets, and veterinarians charge a LOT of money for their services. In Canada, vets can charge more than human doctors. Last summer one of our carpenters had a dog that contracted Lysteria, probably from drinking tainted water, and the bill for that little disaster came to around two thousand dollars. At least the dog survived! When we took our last Schaunzer to an eye doctor in Toronto, there was a woman there in the waiting room with a Pug. The dog had diabetes and had already had several eye surgeries. She was not a wealthy woman and had already spent over ten thousand bucks on that dog. If you’re not a dog person, you’d probably say, “how much for the needle?”, but as a dog lover, I understand how we become indelibly attached to our pets. I can’t understand how pet lovers can feel the same attachment for a cat, or a parakeet, or heaven forbid, a snake, but I accept that there are all kinds of animal lovers in the world. At least they love SOMETHING living. My friend in Buffalo has a black lab which I adore, and she got sick last week. You want to say “that’s what you get for eating dog poop,” but what’s the point … they never listen. My sister had a Golden Lab that turned out to be autistic. Another had hip dysplasia. I love Miniature Schnauzers because they have lots of personality and they are very smart. The breeder from whom we acquired Jasper is probably one of the best Miniature Schnauzer breeders in the country, and despite the dental problem, Jasper has so far been healthy (knock on wood). There are a lot of irresponsible breeders in the world, and our last Schnauzer, which came from a different breeder, was really sick for most of her life. It’s simply getting harder and harder to find good, healthy purebred dogs. As human beings we frown upon inbreeding, because, as we all know, if you inbreed, you end up having offspring who look like that banjo player in “Deliverance”. Why then is it O.K. to inbreed animals? Of course we also prohibit the practice of euthanasia in human beings, even though some would welcome the option of choosing to control their own demise. Just so we’re clear, I’m suggesting a “no” to the banjo player, but a “yes” to pulling the plug on Grampa, if he wants you to and is mentally capable of making that important decision.


Final comments … I just watched the SNL that Betty White hosted, which I had PVR’d (videotaping is so passe) , and it was one of the better ones I’ve seen of late. I can’t believe they got her to perform some of those off color skits they wrote for her, but she nailed them. One in particular, which was a spoof on boring public radio shows, was laced with not-so-subtle innuendo about a lady’s private parts. I guess once a comedienne, always a comedienne, and Betty White has always had a bit of an edge to her humor. Hope you’re not vacationing in Jamaica this week. Riots broke out in Kingston over plans to extradite drug kingpin Chris Coke (appropriate name) to the U.S. for prosecution. And the Deepwater Horizon rig is STILL spewing oil 40 miles off the Louisiana coast. We have now passed the month mark; the blowout occurred April 20th, 2010. I was wondering how the volume estimates could be so varied … on the one extreme BP, with their obvious inclination towards damage control, originally estimated that oil was spewing out at about 210,000 gallons per day. Now the  "experts” are suggesting that about 2- 4 MILLION gallons per day is closer to the truth. Yikes.



It’s now 8AM Tuesday morning, and I am waiting for the guy who did our stone work, to assist him in putting in a stone walkway down to the lake. I have to go now, because a groundhog is about to attack my tomato plants. Until next week …





Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/17/10

On my way back up north from Buffalo, I spent the night in Toronto and I gave a pint of blood at the local blood clinic in our building. When I lived in Buffalo I was a regular blood donor, but when I moved up to Toronto I stopped. Recent visits to the hospital, coupled with reports that there is a blood shortage in Canada prompted me to resume. I gave about four months ago, and when I was eligible to give again (usually about every 2 months), I started getting persistent phone calls reminding me that I was once again eligible to give. I had an hour last Thursday, so I called and made an appointment after which I asked them to please not call anymore.




I can’t say I enjoy giving blood, the process is somewhat tedious, and there are quite a few very personal questions to answer each time I give. Have I been outside the U.S. and Canada, have I had dental work recently, have I had sex with a man in the past six months, have I had sex with a woman who has had sex with a homosexual, have I ever had sex for money, have I ever dated a barnyard animal … I mean THAT is none of their business. I realize that they have to ask these questions to ensure that the blood supply is not tainted, but it’s a little strange nonetheless. Who do they think I am, anyway, some world traveling slut? And that cow … that was a one time thing. I can understand asking these questions once, then asking the donor to sign something each subsequent visit acknowledging that nothing had changed. The most absurd thing they do - and they did this in the States as well - is that they ask you to confidentially put a “yes” or a “no” stamp on your blood donation indicating whether or not you want it to be used. Why for heaven’s sake would I DONATE if I didn’t think my blood was safe and didn’t want the blood to be used. No, I want you to stick a needle in my arm and draw an eighth of a gallon of blood, just so you can throw it away. I’m only here for the cookies and juice. Once I’d been through the drill for the first time, it was fairly easy. Now I’ll go whenever I have a chance. I don’t do a lot for the community I live in, so I figure donating a pint of blood is the least I can do. I have a fairly common blood type; I wonder what is more valuable. If a lot of people give blood, I guess it’s the rarer blood types, but I’m not sure a lot of people do give. Other than the questionnaire, it really isn’t hard to do. It’s no more invasive than a blood test, it doesn’t really hurt, and the actual donation doesn’t take very long. Speaking of blood tests, the other day I read that Walgreen’s might soon put out a personal genetic testing kit. Does this mean we will soon be able to check paternity or maternity in the privacy of our own home?



Finally, the Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf of Mexico is still very much a problem, and now they’re saying that this one will be much worse than the Exxon spill. The millions of gallons of crude presently spilling out into the Gulf is the consistency of cake batter, and it’s going to be a real mess to clean up. On 60 Minutes last night I watched a very disturbing segment suggesting that BP did not follow all the proper safety measures before allowing the rig to begin pumping. It made me angry to hear a BP spokesman blaming only Transocean, the owner of the rig, for the accident. I didn’t understand all the details, something to do with “mud” used to regulate oil flow from the pipeline, but it looks as if BP overlooked some serious problems in order to get up and running faster. Look at the results! BP is now in the hole for at least $500 Million, and the figure grows daily. Who knows what the environmental impact will be? What really surprised me is that there is apparently a much bigger rig in the Gulf, The Atlantis, which, if it were to fail, will make the Deepwater Horizon spill look like a raindrop. There is some concern that corners were cut in the construction of that rig as well. Perhaps Atlantis is not a good name for something which is supposed to sit on top of the water … didn‘t that city sink?



Maybe windmills aren’t such a bad idea after all.





Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/10/10

Lately it seems that when I think we are done with Dad’s estate matters, a year after his passing, something else crops up and there are still more accounts to close and more papers to sign. I’m down in Buffalo now, hopefully to finish with these affairs and to attend a Pearl Jam concert on Monday with my pal Bob. I keep telling myself that I’m only as old as I feel. I never wanted to be one of those “old guys” at a concert, but music is the great unifier, right? Anyhow, I like the band, and the last time I saw them play, back in 2003, they put on a great show. There was an article in The Buffalo News last Friday which suggests that Pearl Jam was the only band from the early 90’s Seattle grunge movement that endured the test of time. Many of the original Seattle bands have fallen prey to the disease of rock stardom, and the wannabes and copycats have none of the authenticity of bands like Nirvana or Pearl Jam. While grunge rock is not one of my favorite genres, Pearl Jam has grown on my over the years. With so many phony rock bands out there, these guys are the real deal. They are one of the few contemporary bands that I can turn to when I want to rock out. Before going to see them in 2003, I bought a couple of their albums to familiarize myself with their music, and the more I listened to the songs, the better they got. Their anti-establishment resistance to the money-grubbing, MTV-Ticketmaster-appearance-obsessed music industry is refreshing as well. The other day I went to a record store and purchased their latest CD “Back Spacer”, and was surprised that it was priced as a double album but included only one CD. As it turns out, the CD comes programmed with two free concert downloads from the internet. Naturally, computer ignoramus that I am, I am having trouble getting those concerts, and in fact, every time I hear the word “download” I cringe. I don’t want to have to call tech support when I choose to listen to music!


Last Thursday the Dow free fell about one thousand points early in the trading session before closing down about 340 points. I heard it reported that, at one point during the plunge, Proctor and Gamble’s share value dropped 50% in a matter of minutes. That’s a bit unsettling. Market jitters over the debt crisis in Greece and fears that the bad news would spread to other countries in Europe are credited with causing the plunge, but whatever the reason, it was the wild west on Wall Street last week. Let’s hope cooler heads prevail this week.


The BP oil spill is still out of control and now the plan is to try and drop a four storey concrete cap over the ruptured pipe. That shouldn’t be much harder than finding a needle in a haystack. What a hose job for the Gulf states … just getting back on their feet after Katrina, they now face yet another devastating blow to their economies. Another rogue terrorist tried unsuccessfully to set off a bomb in Times Square. Faisal Shahzad the “Firecracker Bomber” can take his rightful place in the “Keystone Terrorists” hall of fame, alongside the “Shoe Bomber” and the “Underpants Bomber.” Of Pakistani decent, Shahzad may have had links to the Pakistani Taliban. Sooner or later one of those boneheads is going to bumble upon a successful detonation and then it will be no joke. Once again I have the fitting punishment: tie him to a chair, pry his eyelids wide open and make him watch Dr. Phil shows 24/7 until his brain turns to the consistency of spoiled fruit. Let’s show these guys we mean business.


As I finish up this report, it’s Mother’s Day, the Hallmark holiday of all Hallmark holidays, and at least for the first part of today I’m not sure my mother knew who I was. By dinner time she’d rallied a bit and we had a good meal together, but it’s strange to measure my relationship by good moments. I’ve had more than half a lifetime with this woman as my mother, and now that woman is all but gone. It’s very odd, but now I’m thankful for a few lucid sentences, ten minutes of normal communication (whatever that is). My Mother’s Day plan was to plant some flowers outside off the back porch. She likes petunias because they’re hardy. Unfortunately, the winds have been strong and there’s talk of snow; so flowers may not survive. I have no choice but to deal with the forces of nature.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/3/10

When I hear a song I like, I often look up the lyrics on the internet. These days I’m listening to a lot of music that I hear on the radio, or that someone else has shared with me through an iPod, or some other portable device, and I have no access to the lyrics. As an amateur songwriter, I am always interested in reading the lyrics that other people write. Gone are the days when I bought an analogue record album, and the lyric sheet was included along with the record sleeve. Now, if I buy a CD and the lyrics are included, I need a magnifying glass to read them. There are a number of internet sites one can go to in order to access song lyrics, and they’re all fairly user friendly. I like a website called A-Z Lyrics (http://www.azlyrcis.com). In the past week, I have copied the lyrics to a lot of my favorite Steely Dan songs - those guys write great lyrics - and a number of other miscellaneous songs I wanted to archive. I have them all neatly filed in alphabetical order in a file on my computer entitled “Cover Songs Jamie Likes.” For anybody who has ever seen my desk, it is a wonder that I have ANYTHING filed in such an organized fashion. I am an artist (self-proclaimed, that is), and artists are often disorganized (feeble rationalization). Anyhow, I was on the A-Z website the other day, and I noticed Justin Bieber’s name. Bieber (sounds like beaver) is the latest teen heart throb topping the charts, and according to his bio (O.K. so I don’t have a life), this Stratford, Ontario fifteen year-old pop sensation got his big break when he “went viral” on YouTube in 2007. He’s hit the big time now, and the other night I watched him perform on Saturday Night Live. I enjoyed the performance … sort of Davy “Monkees” Jones meets Eminem. Anyhow, I looked up the lyrics for the first song on his second album. The song is entitled “Baby”, and the lyrics are about as unoriginal as I’d expect the lyrics for a pop song to be (chorus: Baby, baby, baby oooh/Like baby, baby, baby nooo/ Like baby, baby, baby oooh/ I thought you'd always be mine, mine). What struck me as funny was that there are about a half dozen people credited with co-writing the song. Cole Porter must be rolling over in his grave! Accepting that I am not comparing apples to apples here, I can just picture the Bieber songwriting session: “O.K., so what sort of rhymes with ‘whatever’ … ‘together’?” Four hours later they come up with: “For you, I would have done whatever/ And I just can't believe we ain't together…” Like, whatEVER, dude, those lyrics are like off the hook. It’s a freakin’ masterpiece!



The other night we watched a program on Bravo about the effects of music on the brain, and I found it fascinating. They scanned Sting’s brain as they exposed him to different kinds of music, and then analyzed the various parts of his brain that were stimulated. From this they were able to determine what it is about a gifted musician ’s brain that sets it apart. He processed all “good” music in the same way, but when it was boring, uninspiring muzak, he simply ignored it. I wonder how he feels about “Beiber’s “work”. Sting was a little uncomfortable with the findings; he said that for him the creative process is an intangible, mysterious thing. To have it scientifically analyzed is a little like finding out how your favorite magic trick was accomplished. I learned that there are companies out there that can critique your song by plugging it into a computer model, quantifying its potential to be a hit. I’m sorry Mozart, the computer confirms that your piano concerto is a no go.



Final note … I read that Earth Day was conceived in response to an oil spill off the California coast in 1969. Earth Day 2010 has come and gone, and to commemorate man’s propensity for repeating history, there was a big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently, a BP oil rig exploded and sank, and while the first reports from the government were that the accident was not so bad, last Wednesday the revised figures indicate that five times as much oil is daily spilling into the Gulf waters, threatening ecosystems from Louisiana to Florida. While not yet the 11 Million gallons spilled when the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Alaska, back in 1989, this is a significant oil spill, and may end up being even worse than the Valdez spill. Oops. I guess nobody thought about the consequences of being unable to cap a well dug over a kilometer underwater. Wouldn’t you think this would have been something they’d have addressed before drilling the well? Meanwhile, they’re talking about building a 24 square mile wind farm in the Nantucket Sound. Though the proposed windmills would be 5 miles from shore and barely visible, local residents are up in arms. Notable opponents include the late Ted Kennedy. One of the arguments is that wind farms threaten wildlife, but my guess is that it has more to do with views and real estate values. Take your pick … a few unlucky birds, and the odd electrocuted whale, or the entire ecosystem of the Louisiana coast. Tough call. I’m all for wind energy … just not five miles from MY back yard.

Perhaps we should start investigating a new ecology holiday: Alternative Planet Day.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.