Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Oppenheimer Report - 2/28/11

It’s the end of February and I’m doing my best to embrace winter. Last week for the first time I took the ATV out onto the frozen lake and zoomed around a bit. I’ve seen others venture out on their snowmobiles, but I waited until I was sure it was safe. I made it as far as the middle lake, about a mile from our house, then chickened out. Even though the ice is about 18 inches thick, the middle of a frozen lake is not where I want to be, alone and calling for help. I got off my vehicle to take some video and, out of the swirling snow came the world’s oldest snowmobile heading towards me, driven by some codger twenty years my senior. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so adventuresome. As I slipped on my ass, he came putting by me and waved, slow and steady, winning the race. Get off your ass, Grasshopper.


My cousin Al is in the movie business and he sent me a few DVDs of projects in which he has been involved over the years. One of those films is a documentary called “Trumbo” and it deals with the famous and extremely gifted Hollywood screenwriter, Dalton Trumbo. Trumbo had his life and his career scuttled when he was declared a commie along with the rest of the “Hollywood Ten” by those myopic idiots known as the Committee for Un-American Activities in Washington. He and many of his colleagues were subsequently blacklisted by Hollywood and that dark stain on American history ruined many lives. The documentary is based on a play by the writer’s son, Christopher Trumbo, and among other things features various contemporary movie stars reading letters Trumbo wrote throughout his tumultuous life. What moved me most about the film, other than the exposition of the horrible wrong done to him and the others, was the fact that Dalton Trumbo was a remarkable writer. His letters to friends and family were simply incredible, and they beautifully facilitate the telling of his story. I’ve said many times in this report that I fear that communication skills are eroding in our society. Gone are the days when people actually sit down, organize their thoughts, and write a long letter. I cringe whenever I hear a news anchor say something like “It’s not that big of a deal” or use the word “appraised” when they really mean “apprised”. These days diction is fiction, and grammar is something you learn (or don’t) in 2nd grade, then disregard. My father had a good command of the English language, and he was a better than average writer. He was witty and funny, and I always loved receiving written correspondence from him. I probably aspire to improve my writing skills because of my dad. I see great, albeit not necessarily pecuniary, rewards in being able to communicate effectively. It is because of Dalton Trumbo’s exceptional ability to communicate that I found his story so interesting. The Lohans and the Sheens of today’s overindulged and often over-compensated Hollywood would have buckled under a fraction of the injustice and disgrace Dalton Trumbo endured, and over which he ultimately prevailed. BTW, how about that Charlie Sheen … quite the moron, eh?



The uprisings that have been occurring throughout the Middle East and Northern Africa are fascinating to me, but as usual I’m afraid Western journalists do not do those struggles justice. Whenever I read an article on the web, I’m interested to then read the email threads reacting to the article, sometimes written by residents of the country in question. I’m not sure these opinionated comments paint accurate picture of the issues at hand, but they do provide an alternative point of view. Egypt, Bahrain, Libya, and Tunisia are entirely different situations, and it is clear that, where the U.S. has a strategic interest in the country, the reporting is often skewed. Indeed, the more I read about the Arab World, the less I understand. I delude myself into thinking that if I get several perspectives on an issue, I might be a little closer to the truth. Not since the fall of the Berlin Wall have I seen events unfolding with such historical significance. I am more than a little curious to see how all of this will play out, to see which countries will embrace freedom and which ones will succumb to some other form of tyranny. Simply because the people get rid of one tyrant does not ensure their peace or freedom; look at Somalia. I wouldn’t be planning any sailing trips near the Gulf of Aden anytime soon. Those Somali pirates are murderous thugs, as four American sailors recently found out. I’m pretty sure of one thing: Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is not playing with a full deck (is it spelled with a “Q” or a “G”?) . I remember that the guy was a few spices short of a ghoulash back in the early 90’s. I watched a little of a recent TV interview with Gaddafi, and he looks like he’s tripping on acid, the drug he accused his protesters of taking. Perhaps he should switch to Ecstasy. While nobody wants Scarface running their country, this guy might be tough to oust. He’s got piles of oil money and he seems oblivious to Western reprisal. I think the only way we’ll see him disappear is if one of his own generals puts a bullet in his head, not entirely unlikely as he becomes increasingly unhinged.

Spring is just around the corner ... a groundhog told me so.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Oppenheimer Report 2/21/11

Two popular leaders
Of course I watched the Grammys a week ago last Sunday night, if only to remind myself how out of touch I have become with the trends in popular music. Notable to me were the facts that over-hyped Canadian child superstar Justin Bieber didn’t win bupkiss, and Arcade Fire, a Canadian alternative rock band from Montreal, won for album of the year (The Suburbs). I’m not very familiar with that band, though I did see them perform on SNL last year. Watching their performance on the Grammys, it was difficult to see why they were deemed worthy of the award, but to play the devil’s advocate, it’s tough for me to judge any band by its performance on television. I will say that the onstage bicycle stunts and wild light show did nothing for me. Give me a pair of headphones and an hour to listen to the band without distractions and I’ll let you know what I think. It does seem to me that today’s pop musical performances are a lot more about show than they used to be, and choreography is certainly a big part of the act. Even Lady Gaga, the current queen of pop, said in a “60 Minutes” interview that she considers herself a performance artist. Big hair, flashy outfits, electronic gimmickry and other props play an increasingly important role in today’s pop. Enough with the eye candy, where is the music? It was interesting to watch this awards ceremony with my octogenarian parents-in-law, who are of the belief that nobody since Vic Damone has been capable of producing acceptable popular music. I thought maybe Eminem would turn them around, but that didn’t happen. I never thought I’d say this, but the 67 year old Mick Jagger looked pretty good in his tribute to the recently deceased Solomon Burke. Jagger might have resembled aging poultry, an apt description Letterman once used to describe himself, but he can still get the crowd rocking, and he didn’t need a lot of gyrating dancers or elaborate costumes to enhance his performance. What did we fossils do back in the dark ages of music, when it was just the band, some spot lights, and the audience … back when “wardrobe malfunction” meant Jim Morrison had once again pulled his pants down in public?




Erectile dysfunction is no laughing matter, and judging from the number of ads proposing remedies, I’m led to believe that a lot of men suffer from it. And it’s not just older men; a lot of the guys portrayed in the commercials are a lot younger than I (O.K., so maybe they‘re still old men). I am happy that there are drugs out there which facilitate sexual intimacy and address the deleterious effects of DSB (deadly sperm buildup), but some of these ads for boner pills are pretty silly. What marketing genius decided that two naked people in separate bathtubs constitutes a metaphor for the horizontal mambo? Does the bathtub equal sex, or have the bathers already had sex and now they’re just relaxing after the act? How did they get those heavy bathtubs out there to the edge of a cliff, and why aren’t they in the same bathtub? And why aren’t they smoking cigarettes, in their separate bath tubs? I have so many questions. Apparently, when you take a Cialis, the house you’re in immediately folds up and disappears, and suddenly you’re in the woods, presumably screwing like squirrels. I don’t know about you, but I want my four hour erection to be in a five star hotel room, not in the woods where my erect winkie is a dinner bell for every biting insect on the planet.



One old guy who can still “get it up” is Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who will go to trial in April to face charges that he paid a seventeen year old woman to have sex with him. I thought France won the European award for most conspicuous horn dog politician, but there’s a new ram in town. The way the papers put it, it is a crime to pay for sex in Italy, if the girl is under eighteen. So, it’s O.K. if you DON’T pay her? If convicted, the billionaire-turned-politician could face up to fifteen years in prison. I’m not exactly sure if the bigger issue was statutory rape, or the fact that Berlusconi allegedly paid the girl to try and make the scandal go away. If he broke the law, and was dumb enough to get caught, then he should probably face the consequences. That said, in my opinion, the morality scale seems to be sliding downward; just listen to the lyrics of some of today’s rap and hip hop. As much as I hope that the big head is doing all the thinking among today‘s leaders, I fear that this is optimistic. I try to sift through the moral depravity in order to determine who is the most effective leader. Do I want the lying, closet homosexual, right wing, bible thumping hypocrite who solicits oral sex in airport bathrooms, or do I want the arrogant, lying, Big Mac-hoovering, left wing president who receives oral sex from an intern in the Oval Office? America is a democracy, and however uninformed, we the people get to chose. You know what they say: two heads are better than one. The trick is determining which two. Elliott Spitzer for president!

BTW -  Happy Family Day.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Oppenheimer Report - 2/14/11 Happy Valentine's Day!

I noticed in the entertainment section of the Buffalo News that there is a concert scheduled for May 28 featuring NKOTBSB. That is, The New Kids on the Block and the Back Street Boys, together. Like, could there be a more awesomer concert on the face of the earth??? I recently had the displeasure of catching a bit of this collaboration on some TV awards show, and as much as I disliked these boy bands the first time around, the dilution of their talent is exponential now that they are no longer boys/kids. I might have a slightly wider tolerance for different genres of music than the average listener, and I enjoy everything from classical to Rock to Balinese gamelan music. I even like some of the homogenized pop music that is pumped out in excess today. But those boy bands like Not-So-New Kids and the Backdoor Boys always irked me, and now that I see them resurfacing as men, doing the same bubble gum boy band stuff, I think their act is getting a little old. Literally. Even Menudo had the good sense to exchange their players once they reached a certain age! Puberty's a bitch man. Some of these guys, like Justin Timberlake and Ricky Martin, go on to re-invent themselves, and while I don’t particularly like their music, I respect their talent and their ability to grow. Fun fact: the now wildly famous actor/director/producer Mark Wahlberg was once the headliner for a 90s boy band called Marky Mark. One day he’s hawking underwear for Calvin Klein and the next he’s up for an Academy Award. But these middle-aged men singing boy band songs are ludicrous to me. Learning machine that I am, I googled “Boy Bands” and looked at some of the past representatives. According to one entry I read, The Monkees were considered to be the pioneers of Boy Band music, although technically I don’t think they qualify. According to the Wikipedia definition of a boy band - and I live and die by the information I glean from Wikipedia - in a genuine boy band, the players dance and they do not play their own instruments. Two strikes against the Monkees. They scampered about and acted zany, but I don’t ever recall seeing them actually dancing. And I think that most of them learned how to play their instruments, eventually. That Davy Jones was cute as a button, back in the 70s. These days, not so much.



Did you hear about the 1,250 Superbowl fans in Dallas who were unable to sit in their assigned seats because those seats were deemed unsafe? Oops. 400 were unable to be relocated, and I’ve got a hunch that the three times face value ticket refund that the NFL is offering will not satisfy them. Too bad, because as Superbowls go, I thought that this one was pretty good. Pittsburgh was outplayed, but they kept it interesting until the very end. Ronald Reagan would have turned 100 years old last Sunday. I watched a special on him the other day, examining his long life, and it was interesting to watch him dance around the Iran/Contra scandal. How he ever walked away from that one is beyond me. The Teflon President. What I found most interesting was the fact that today’s Republicans, desperate to sweep the Dubya years under the rug, have created a Reagan mythology that glosses over Reagan’s many shortcomings, making him out to be the Great White Hope. I don’t know much about history, except that a lot of it seems to become sanitized with time, but after Nixon, I gave up on my president-can-do-no-harm delusion. After his “Let them eat hummus” speech failed last week, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak finally stepped down and handed the reins over to the military. This is what the people protesting in Tahrir Square wanted, but aren’t they just replacing one autocratic ruler with another one? I wouldn’t want to be a dictator right now; the peasants are getting restless. Tunisia, The Sudan, Yemen, Jordan, Egypt, and I understand now Uganda is poised for an uprising. With the blinding light of the media shining down on them, how could anything go wrong?


Final note. In the “what-part-about-the-words-public-figure-don’t-you-get?” department, congressman Craig Lee of Amherst, N.Y. (I love it when Western New York makes the national news) abruptly resigned after a suggestive photo of him surfaced on Craigslist. Too cheap to pay for sex like the rest of your cronies? In all fairness, a shirtless photo of Lee flexing his muscles in the bathroom mirror is pretty low on my scandal scale, but the guy IS a married man, he WAS flirting on the internet, he broke the golden rule of American politics: don’t be stupid; don’t get caught, AND he lied about his age. I guess he resigned because he wanted to stop the bleeding, but it wasn’t as if he showed us his “winkie” or anything. He wasn’t caught soliciting oral sex from some other guy in an airport bathroom. Now that he has resigned, I wouldn’t be surprised if CNN hires him (like they did Elliot Spitzer). I heard a song performed by Chris Brown on SNL last Saturday night that was ten times more scandalous than that photo. I’m going to go listen to my Justin Bieber album to mollify my indignation. Oy, for the love of Allah, where has purity gone?

To the many people I love, Happy Valentines Day!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Monday, February 07, 2011

The Oppenheimer Report - 2/7/11

Just as Punxatawny Phil, along with Canada’s own drug-addled weather groundhog “Wiarton Willie" and all the other official weather rodents out there across North America predicted an early Spring, the Northeast prepared for what was expected to be the weather event of the winter. Starting about last Saturday, Toronto began bracing for an "enormous" storm scheduled to blow through on Tuesday night and on into Wednesday. Listening to the radio on my way back up north, I heard talk that this weather bomb could end up costing Toronto taxpayers an estimated $5 Million for snow removal. There were predictions of up to two feet of snow in some areas, and commuters were being urged to stay home from work or take public transportation. Weather junkie that I am, I punched up the satellite radar for our region, frothing in anticipation of this imminent weather disaster, and I watched with quiet excitement as the front crept in towards the Muskokas. It DID look like a whopper of a storm on Doppler, but as it turned out, it was a dud in our area. My weatherman nephew explained that this storm “shot its wad” in the Midwest and lost much of its punch by the time it got to our region. Put another way, Jack Frost experienced performance anxiety. As I began this report on Wednesday afternoon, I saw some “after” photos of downtown Toronto, and it didn’t look all that bad to me. Talk about the forecaster who cried “Wolf!”. You know what we call weather like that in Buffalo? Spring.


It never ceases to amaze me how inhumane we humans can be. While I am not a PETA fanatic, I do bristle when I hear and read some of the incredible stories about cruelty to animals. My mom watches “Animal Planet” a lot, and there seem to be a lot of programs that focus on animal cruelty. Last week, in the Canadian news, there was a story about 100 healthy sled dogs destroyed near Whistler B.C., in a brutally inhumane way, simply because they were no longer needed. The story became public because the guy who killed the animals, an employee of the company that offered sled dog tours, filed for workman’s compensation. Amazingly, his request was granted. He claimed he had experienced post traumatic stress syndrome from doing “his job”. I guess he blames his employer for forcing him to kill the dogs, but how can a person in their right mind do such a thing? Regardless of the debate about whether or not the dogs should have been destroyed, what was most offensive to me was how they were killed. I realize that it is somewhat hypocritical to talk about animal cruelty when in fact much of the meat I eat is raised on factory farms in deplorable conditions for the animals. I live with the unsettling realization that indirectly, I contribute to animal cruelty every day because of the products I consume. And I don’t consider myself an animal rights activist. We do bad things to animals in the name of science, and that is hard enough to accept, but when the harm is senseless, as it was in the B.C. case, then it is really disturbing to me. Indeed, there is a brutality to Mother Nature, and the balance of nature is predicated on the concept of prey and predators. It just seems as if in the animal kingdom, man is the animal that makes other animals suffer the most. Kill for food, or to cull the herd. But try to make sure the animal does not suffer!


Earlier this week, Egyptian President HoseMe Mubarak agreed not to run in the next elections, but for the approximately 250,000 (relatively peaceful) protesters, gathered in the streets of Cairo last week, who waved shoes in the air and called for his immediate removal, this was too little too late. Pro Mubarak “thugs” were reported to be targeting the foreign press, and at least one Egyptian reporter was killed.

Last night, Green Bay beat Pittsburgh 31-25 in SuperBowl XLV. I read a funny article about the fact that Superbowls are numbered in Roman numerals. C’mon America, we’re not talking about gladiators here … it’s 45, O.K.? Up here in the Great White North, we didn’t get the great American Superbowl commercials (which, in my opinion are the best part about Superbowls); I guess I’ll have to catch them on YouTube. A river dare she....



- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED