The Oppenheimer Report 10/29/07

A pre-emptive Happy Halloween to all of my readers. As often happens these days, I lost track of time, but I was quickly reminded of the season last Saturday when I walked into a Shoppers Humongous Drug Warehouse in Huntsville. There, in the seasonal “crap-you-don’t-really-need” aisle, was a young couple, presumably on their way to a costume party, rather poorly dressed up to look like vampires (I would have taken a little more care and pride in my application of white face makeup and fake blood) inspecting plastic hatchets. I overheard the guy say to the girl “I’m not f-ing paying ten bucks for a fake hatchet!” My opinion is that anyone who goes to Shoppers Humongous Drug Warehouse for their Halloween costume needs isn’t trying hard enough. One of my favorite costumes, which I saw in a bar once in Buffalo, was a guy dressed up to look like the San Francisco earthquake. He had the Trans America building jutting out of his midriff. Some people just “get” Halloween, and some don’t. I’ve been out of the Halloween loop for quite some time, but I’m thinking of getting back into it next year. I made a tiny step back into the ring this year; I bought a pumpkin.

I have reached that age when my doctor recommended that I have a colonoscopy. Colonoscopies are sort of mile markers for middle age. Of course, I am thrilled about this. I made an appointment to have the test done by a Toronto specialist, and I was immediately put off by the guy’s receptionist. I don’t need to love to person who books my colonoscopy, but this woman was like a drill sergeant. She immediately began to bark orders about how I will “prep” for the test, and how severely I will be penalized for failure to comply with her strict rules. Anyhow, I booked the test, and shortly thereafter, I received an email from this unpleasant woman, with a three-page list of preparatory instructions. I was to begin cleaning myself out Monday morning, for a test on Wednesday! On Monday, clear fluids only and in the afternoon, my first glass of human Drain-O. Tuesday, some Roto Rooter, more clear fluids, and to top off the day, a nightcap of Citromag. Then, on “game day” I was to give myself an enema an hour before the kickoff, presumably just before I purged myself of my intestines. The whole thing seemed a little harsh, and, the other day, I cancelled that appointment. I have elected to have the test up in Huntsville, and as it turns out, the specialist up here is considerably more reasonable about the pre-test regimen. I might only be miserable for 24 hours instead of three days. My father had a photograph taken of his colon years ago. I use it for a bookmark. Kind of looks like the Holland tunnel, decorated by Cristo.

I’ve got a great idea for a Halloween costume. It may be bit of a challenge, but I have a year to work out the details. I’m going to dress up as my sparkling clean colon. It’s amazing what you can do with latex these days. It will need only to meet my one rule for a Halloween costume: I must be able to drink beer comfortably without removing anything.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 10/22/07

There should be an award for the funniest name of a pro athlete. My mother-in-law, who is a big baseball fan (who, sadly, was rooting for Cleveland), called the other night in hysterics over the names of three major league baseball players: Asdrubal Cabrera, Yorbit Torrealba , and Chone Figgett. What do you want to bet that Asdrubal got a few wedgies in grade school? I was watching a Toronto Marlies game the other night (farm team for the hapless Leafs). They were playing the Lake Erie Monsters (who came up with that name?), and I’m not sure which team it was, but one player had a name so long it went from the bottom of one shoulder pad to the bottom of the other. It was unreadable, because the folds in the jersey hid several letters. Back in the Sixties or Seventies, I think the Buffalo Bills had a player named Preston Riddlehooper.

Shauna and I have been watching a lot of HGTV, and for those of you unfamiliar with the channel, that is one of a myriad of home improvement channels available on satellite and cable television. There are three or four shows I like the most, but in general, it’s a good channel to watch when you’re in the process of building a home. The show we watch the most is called “Holmes on Homes” and consists of a general contractor by the name of Mike Holmes, who goes in to people’s homes to repair failed construction jobs. The show is pretty much the same each week; Holmes comes in and interviews the featured homeowner, who has had some shoddy work done, then proceeds to repair the defective job, all the while grumbling and ranting about disreputable contractors. Sometimes the problem presents as a leak in the ceiling, sometimes it’s a sagging roof, but one thing is for certain. In every show, what appeared to be a minor problem turns out to be something much more serious. The leak in the ceiling turns out to be a major fault in a shower installation, which has caused major structural damage. While investigating the sagging roof, Holmes discovers improperly installed joists, illegal electrical installations, improperly installed insulation, which in turn bred toxic mold, etc. In almost every show, he finds repairs or new construction which does not conform to the local building code. Another show we quite like is called “Restaurant Makeover”. In that show a guest chef and designer turn a failing restaurant around in six days, for around $30,000. The best part about that show is watching the designer fight with the general contractor. Inevitably, no one shares or understands the designer’s vision for the interior design, and no one is shy about offering an opinion. I love watching designers throw hissy fits. Another show that I like is called “Junk Brothers” and involves two brothers who drive around and pick up other people’s discarded junk at the curbside, take it back to their shop, convert it into some unusual alternative piece of furniture or equipment, then return it to the people who threw it out. The thing I enjoy most about these shows is the same thing I like about many cooking shows. We the viewers are walked through the process and get to see how all this work is done. Of course, we’ve been fortunate enough to watch the process firsthand for the past several months.

Though rain was predicted for much of last week, our workers were able to put in almost a full week, and quite a few logs went up, most notably the ridge purlins (the logs that make up the peak of the roof). One of our subs suggested that, once the roof is on, perhaps we might want to go home for a while, to retrieve our sanity. When the electricians, the carpenters, the plumbers, the HVAC guys, AND the kitchen people are all here bumping into each other, it might get a little crazy. Perhaps we’d do well to disappear for a while; I’m sure they’d all prefer it!
-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 10/15/07

Last Monday, we investigated an alternative dwelling to the RV in which we presently reside, perched above our job site. We’ve been living here since mid May, and we owe our builder a big debt of gratitude for providing us with this opportunity to be on the construction site, 24/7. That said, the weather is changing, winter is coming, and this RV is not properly set up for cold weather. Water lines can freeze, and the little propane furnace is firing up more and more frequently. One frosty night last week the propane supply ran out (this particular RV has two 30 gallon tanks), and I woke up in the middle of the night because the temperature in the RV had dropped to about 52 degrees F. As well, the RV holding tank must be emptied on a regular basis, we do not have a clean water supply, so water must be rationed, and the bathroom is VERY small. These limitations are much more acceptable when the temperature is seasonal, but become exponentially more inconvenient once the mercury drops below say, 50 Degrees F. In any event, we would have needed to vacate by December, and the house will not likely be completed until February (hah!) at the very earliest. That said, we have located a bungalow for rent in beautiful Burks Falls, and that will be our home away from home come November. Believe me, it will seem like the Hilton compared to the camper.

Ontario re-elected their incumbent premier, Liberal Dalton McGinty, who weaseled his way into office the first time with a myriad of broken promises. I’m not entirely clear on why, having proven himself to be a run-of-the-mill bureaucrat, he once again pulled off a win in Ontario, but then again, I’ve never understood Ontario voters. It was Ontarians who, back in the 80’s voted in that “New Democrat” (give-the-candy-store-away socialist) Bob Rae. Rae is apparently a bright guy, but was perhaps the most deleterious Premier ever to lead Ontario. On his watch, and some would argue, due to his policies, Ontario’s booming economy tanked. I understand that Rae was voted in largely because Ontarians were annoyed with the previous administration. Apparently, the hot button issue that sunk John Tory, McGinty’s Conservative opponent in last week’s election, was faith based funding for schools. Tory committed political suicide by opposing said funding, which, I understand, primarily, if not exclusively, benefits Catholic schools. Guess where McGimpy’s kid goes to school? Canadian politics are so boring. South of the border, it’s a different story. As I write this, U.S. Senator Larry Craig is explaining to Matt Lauer why he was playing “Twister” in an airport bathroom. That’s what I call “hard” news. I never knew that a person could get busted for playing footsie in a public bathroom. Apparently, not all the vice squad policemen are looking for coke dealers or child pornography purveyors; some of them are running sting operations in airport bathrooms. … pull your pants up sir; hands where I can see em!

The roof purlins are almost all up, and last week the steel roof was delivered. I’ll feel a lot more secure when the roof is on. Winter’s coming, and the race is on.
-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 10/1/07

My dad is in the hospital right now, after a rather serious bout of congestive heart failure. A couple of weeks ago, he whooped it up for my mom’s birthday and woke up the next morning gasping for breath. I’ve been talking to him on the phone every day, but I knew I had to drive down to see him in person. I didn’t like the idea very much, but reluctantly, last Wednesday, I left Shauna and Jasper alone in the RV and drove down to Buffalo. They were alone in the camper for three days and two nights. That was the first time I had ever left Shauna alone up North and, while I tried to make sure she’d have everything she needed, it was still tough to leave her. I figured I’d go down midweek so she’d at least have the workers here for company during the day. Apparently, they teased her a bit about how dangerous it is for a woman to be living alone “in the bush” …with all them dangerous critters and whatnot. Very funny … no more employee appreciation barbecues for those guys.

When I arrived in Buffalo on Wednesday afternoon, I found my father in fair condition at the hospital. He was by then in a rehabilitation wing, building up his strength so that he could return home. He improved noticeably during my stay, but probably not because of it. I simply visited him a few times, sorted out and paid some of his bills, and dealt with some of the ever-escalating issues of geriatric health care. This is a strange time for me because, like many of my peers, I am watching my parents grow old, and I am somewhat confused, now that our roles have reversed. While I am very happy that they are still around, I wrestle with my feelings of responsibility and my inclination to watch out for them, while living my somewhat complicated life at a distance. I left Buffalo last Friday with ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, I was relieved to find both of my parents in pretty good shape, relatively speaking, with better than average health care coverage, good nursing care, etc. On the other hand, I foresee imminent problems which might crop up in my absence, and which I will have little or no ability to resolve from a distance.

From longevity to a flash in the pan … tabloid train wreck Britney Spears lost custody of her two young children this week. If you ever had any doubts about the pitfalls of celebrity, just catch a few minutes of her notoriously bad performance at some recent music awards ceremony. Clearly, money ain’t everything.

As I watch the U.S. presidential primaries unfold, I am following the Republican race with some interest. Rudy Guiliani seems to be one of the front runners, but only because he so diametrically opposes the religious conservatism of the past two Republican administrations. I heard him say the other day that he is the best Republican opponent to Billary, whom he obviously sees as the Democratic front-runner. Careful Rudy, don’t underestimate Rock Star Obama. Obama is shrewdly referring to Billary as a successor in the Clinton “dynasty” and, in so doing, has cleverly linked the Clintons to the failed Bush “dynasty”. His message: America has had enough of dynasties. In other words, Bush dynasty equals Clinton dynasty, equals bad politics. Twisted logic, but smart politics.
Frankly, I think the Democrats could put up Charles Manson and still win this one.

Get better Dad, I love you!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED