The Oppenheimer Report 4/25/10

There was an interesting story on the six o’clock news last Monday about copy machines and identity theft. I never knew this before, but Xerox copy machines (and perhaps many other brands as well) made after about the year 2000 contain hard drives, and all the data copied on those machines is recorded on that hard drive. Because there is a market for used copy machines, and because most companies that discard their copy machines don’t usually think to wipe the hard drives clean, anyone who purchases a used machine has access to private information. To prove the point, some investigative news reporters purchased three used machines and then downloaded the information stored on the hard drives. In one case, the machine came from the Buffalo Police Department’s Sexual Offender division, and there were over 20,000 documents stored in it, including lists of known sex offenders and classified information about sex offense cases. Another machine contained sensitive income tax information. There were tax returns, copies of checks, social security numbers, and a pile of other personal information. The point is, unless the data on these hard drives is erased when the machines are discarded or sold, a tech savvy identity thief can really hit the jackpot. We tear up ATM receipts, we don’t give out our Social Security numbers to just anyone, and we worry about the information we transmit over the internet. Here’s yet another example of how difficult it is to control our information.




Has anybody been paying attention to this grassroots Tea Party movement sweeping across America? From what I can gather the gist of the movement is that people are finally waking up to the reality of Obamanomics, and now the perception is that JFK is really The King of England. Essentially, this is a growing political movement of fiscal conservatives who opposed the bailout and stimulus packages in favor of free markets. With the advent of the latest Goldman Sachs fraud scandal (venerable Goldman Sachs that, co-incidentally posted record profits last year), there seems to be growing concern that perhaps the wrong people are getting the stimulus money. Unemployment is still high in America and lots of people are still losing their houses. The SEC will try to tar and feather Goldman Sachs, because they have so far been publicly ineffective at closing the cookie jar. I’ll just bet that some of that bailout money will even be used for the Goldman Sachs defense against the SEC allegations. I realize that “Tea Party” is probably just the Republican right re-branding itself after all those horrible Bush years. I also know that a lot of the financial problems we have now happened during Republican administrations (not all of them, by the way). What worries me - and as always this is just my perception - is that the pendulum seems to be swinging to the extremes. I watched a big gun rally outside D.C. and once again the “liberal” press are not so subtly suggesting the polarization of American political factions. Either you’re a right wing Republican facist or a commie, pinko whale-hugging Democrat. Hey, what about the rest of us?!!! What about all of us cynical, somewhat apathetic middle-of-the-roaders?



Finally, nature once again proved to be the mother of all inconvenient truths, when the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland erupted last week, spewing ash 50,000 feet into the air, crippling air traffic, and wreaking economic havoc on Europe. Millions of air travelers were affected and they’re talking about billions in lost revenue. Now I have another phobia to add to my list. We always hear about the devastating consequences from earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes, but what about volcanoes? How many ticking time bombs are there percolating underneath the earth’s crust? Volcanic eruptions can vastly change the weather, and render large areas uninhabitable. I just read about the Mt. Toba eruption in Sumatra 72,000 years ago. That eruption had a volcanic explosivity index, or VEI, of 8 and was probably the biggest eruption on the planet in 25 million years. By comparison the recent volcano in Iceland had a VEI of 2. I wonder if this one will adversely affect the weather, as the Mt. Pinatubo eruption did back in the summer of 1991. Some of us worry about nuc-“u”-lar anhiliation, some of us worry about climate change, a small and very neurotic minority of us worry about asteroids and solar flares, and of course there are the Gore Bores, who believe that plunging the world into economic chaos in order to lower the global temperature by an insignificant fraction of one degree Farenheit will save our planet. I say let them polar bears and snail darters fend for themselves. I’m a fatalist … why buy a Prius when the next big planetary zit pop, which is by the way COMPLETELY out of our control, could be the final curtain call. Seriously, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being conscious of one’s impact on the planet, in fact it’s a very good idea. I simply find man’s hubris ludicrous … to presume that we have anything more than negligible control over it any of it. We don’t, at least not enough to make much of a difference. The horse is out of the barn and he didn’t look before he leaped. Know what I mean? We screwed the pooch with overpopulation and all the resulting consequences, but won’t I feel stupid when I realize that I denied myself that over-powered American muscle car as we’re all being buried in smoldering volcanic ash? Wow, I could’ve had a V-8.


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 4/18/10

On the news the other night, there was mention of the passing of Meinhardt Raabe, the “little person” who had played the Munchkin coroner in the Wizard of Oz. He was the guy in the movie who officially proclaimed that the wicked witch of the west was dead. “She’s not only nearly dead, she’s really most sincerely dead.” Clearly that was his moment to shine, but he’d had several other notable accomplishments in his lifetime as well. Among other things, he wrote a book entitled “Memories of a Munchkin,” presumably about his experiences on the set of that famous movie; but the thing that struck me as amusing is that they listed him as a former mascot of the Oscar Mayer Company. I am nothing if not inquisitive, and I wondered, did he wear a costume, or do they simply consider all “little people” to be mascots? I thought mascots were animals, like the chicken for the Toledo Mudhens, or Carlton the Toronto Maple Leafs bear. I couldn’t imagine what a mascot for luncheon meat would look like. Being the judgmental schmuck that I am, I immediately thought, well here’s another classic example of an exploited midget. Did he dress up like one of those miniature cocktail sausages? Oh the indignity! Bursting with curiosity, I googled him and found out that, for THIRTY YEARS, Meinhardt Raabe had toured America in the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile as “Little Oscar, the World’s Smallest Chef”. Hey, it was a paying gig. Like I always say, life is a hose job, but at least it’s a job. I also learned that Raabe had been married to the love of his life for 53 years, had earned a masters degree in business administration, and had been a licensed pilot who flew for the Civil Air Patrol during WWII. Now I want to read his book. Raabe was 94. Whenever I think of the Wizard of Oz, I remember a comment some gay guy made years ago in my real estate class about a difficult woman participating in one of our round table exercises. When she left the table to go to the washroom, he whispered to the rest of us, in a very effeminate, over-the-top, gossipy voice: “She’s never been the same since that house fell on her sister!” I loved that comment.




As I was driving back up north from Toronto, I listened to a talk radio show wherein they discussed my favorite pet peeve: the technologically inspired social disconnect that has been insidiously creeping into our culture. Asocial behavior, especially apparent among the teens and twenty-somethings, is a cancer that is increasingly eroding the very fabric of our society. On the show an author was touting his book on the subject, and he discussed our obsession with celebrity and notoriety (a la reality television), as well as the shallow relationships developed on the newest social networks (e.g. Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace). He spoke of the anemic relationships we string together through these social networks, and the point he seemed to be making was that we are becoming a society of isolated beings with feeble social and communication skills. To prove his point, he put out an invitation to sixty of his Facebook “ friends” to attend a Facebook party at a local bar. Forty responded, indicating that they would probably attend, but when the day arrived, only one person actually showed up. He did have the humility to concede that perhaps he was just a nerd who had over-estimated his influence on a bunch of relative strangers, but he still may have a point … there is no commitment inherent in a Facebook relationship. We twit, and face, and myspace, and blog to broadcast our lives to the invisible public, and we measure our popularity in terms of “hits” and stat counters. Hey, I’m guilty as charged … how presumptuous of me to assume anybody reads my blog. That’s why I sometimes joke about my “twelve loyal readers”. But are we looking for numbers or friends? Pay attention to me, I’m worthy of your albeit pathetically short attention span. Clearly, attention spans ARE shorter, and we favor anonymous cyber communications over face to face discourse. I had my first online chat the other day with an old friend … I might be the last person in North America under the age of 60 who had not yet experienced a live chat. While it was cool to make contact, and to embrace this new (to me) form of correspondence -- it was a little like writing a letter and getting an instant response -- I still would have preferred to speak to the friend face to face. Another friend sent me a text message on my cell phone the other day, and by the time I fumbled through my five word response (I do not have a text friendly phone, or small fingers) I could have spoken the entire Gettysburg Address. While I still worked in industrial real estate there was great emphasis on using the computer to maintain a client database. Some agents hardly ever spoke to their clients, they e-mailed and faxed. I wasn’t the world’s most successful agent, but I did believe in cold calling and knocking on doors, and most of my business was generated through personal contact. I fear that, as I get on in my years, I will succumb to all these abbreviated means of communication without ever making human contact. Shop in cyberspace, text your divorce, fire someone by video conference, evict by email. Look for “Memories of a Munchkin,” coming soon to an Ipad near you.



Now, if we would only fight our wars with cyborgs instead of human beings!



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 4/13/10

My mom suffers from a form of dementia known as Lewy Body Disease, and until she was diagnosed with it about two years ago, I’d never even heard of it. Forty years ago, I’m guessing that almost all forms of dementia were lumped into the category of senility, or “a hardening of the arteries”, but these days we know that there are many different kinds of dementia. Lewy body is a a real challenge for the caregivers. First of all, it’s not easy to diagnose, and in fact we thought Mom was suffering from Alzheimer’s for almost two years before a neurologist properly determined the nature of her dementia. It is important to reach a proper diagnosis, because the medications used for Alzheimer’s sufferers are of little use, and in some cases contra-indicative, for the Lewy Body patient. Secondly, unlike the steady degeneration characterized by Alzheimer’s, Lewy Body Disease presents with strange and confounding symptoms. The Lewy Body sufferer see saws back and forth between lucidity and complete delusion, sometimes frequently during a 24 hour period. The disease attacks the brain in a more random pattern than does Alzheimers. One minute Mom is the Mom I know, and with the flip of a switch, she becomes an entirely different person … and then she‘s back again. We never know what to expect. There are hallucinations, periods of catatonia, moments of joy followed inexplicably by anger … in short, it’s an emotional roller coaster. Thankfully, we have excellent caregivers, but for a loved one who doesn’t know what is happening, it can be truly frightening. My sister and I have been coming in to Buffalo as much as we can, because we don’t know how much longer we have with the Mom we know. I have learned to be thankful for the good moments, which are becoming fewer and further between. The other day Mom announced that she wanted to go out to dinner, and so out to dinner we went. Everything was great, we had a good dinner, we laughed, we came home, she went to bed, was relatively normal for the first part of yesterday, and then she had hallucinations in the afternoon. She saw monkeys on Dad’s pipe rack in the den. We had dinner, and as she often does, she slept for a while after dinner. When it was time for her to go to bed, she got up, and to our surprise, walked into the kitchen instead of going upstairs. She sat down at the kitchen table and, in a demanding tone, declared that she was ready for her breakfast. At 12:30A.M I fixed my mom a scrambled egg with toast and coffee, because there was no changing her mind. As she ate her meal, she asked why I wasn’t eating. I shrugged and said I’d already had my breakfast. She told me to go into the other room and watch the sunrise. O.K. Mom.




While in Buffalo, and when Mom is sleeping or incommunicative, I look for other means to divert myself. The other day I went into Blockbuster, a store soon destined to be obsolete, and I rented Bill Maher’s documentary “Religulous”. I’ve been wanting to see it since he announced he was making it several years ago. The fact that it was created by the same guy who filmed “Borat” (which I loved) really captured my interest. I don’t think the movie was widely distributed, and I doubt it ever will be. “Guerilla” or “ambush” video, such as “Religulous” or the films which Michael Moore makes, seems to be growing in popularity. While they may not present a fair argument for the point they are trying to make, I enjoy these films for the same reason I enjoy watching some white collar criminal squirm in a 20/20 expose. I‘m glad I finally saw it, but “Religulous” turned out to be a bit of a disappointment for me. In my opinion, Maher , with his rapier wit, could have made a better case for the lunacy that accompanies most fundamentalist interpretations of religion. There WERE moments though … like when he spars intellectually with Jesus at a religious theme park. Jesus, by the way, turns out to be a big Bill Maher fan. Who knew? Anyhow, I think the point Maher was trying to make, however successfully, is that faith and religion are predicated on certainty, and life and reality just don’t work that way for many people. My big beef with organized religion concerns the amount of blood that is (and has historically been) spilled in the name of g-d. In my humble opinion, something is fundamentally wrong with the belief that it is o.k to kill someone because their actions or beliefs differ from yours. Murder the abortion doctor to celebrate one’s right to life. Drive a plane into the Twin Towers to seek revenge on the western infidel. I’m all for faith and hope, but I don’t think those concepts are well served by violence, hatred, and promises of eternal hellfire. By the way, what’s so great about virgins?



I head back up to the Great White North tomorrow. Tax returns have been filed, estimated payments have been made, unnecessary cable services were cancelled (I just found out that my deceased father has been paying for internet for the past year) …. And breakfast was served (albeit at 12:30AM). I’m just rolling with the punches. - Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 4/5/10

Having now observed seven of the eight days of Passover, or as we Jews affectionately refer to it, “Starch Madness”, I will be happy to once again be eating leavened bread. Apparently the supermarkets in Huntsville do not see fit to carry a stock of matzo, or unleavened bread, so important for this holiday, and we had to procure ours in Toronto. Considering the ingredients, water and flour, I am surprised by how expensive it is (over $6 a box in one store). I should go into the Kosher food business. Of course my mother-in-law found it for less than half that price. I don’t much like matzo. Matzo ball soup is fine, but for me eating plain matzo is like eating cardboard. Besides that, it’s constipating. As I said in last week’s report, Passover celebrates the Jews freedom from Egyptian slavery, but I was a little puzzled about one aspect of the story of their emigration from Egypt. After leaving Egypt, they reportedly spent forty years in the desert before they reached the Promised Land. It doesn’t look like THAT long a walk to me; did Moses forget his GPS? One of my Jewish friends told me that one theory about why it took so long is that the Jews waited to reach the Promised Land until they had produced a generation NOT born into slavery. This makes some sense. I thought they were just perfecting the production of the world’s most expensive unleavened bread.



A belated Happy April Fools Day to all my readers. April first up here in the GWN was marked by unusually warm weather. Tell me, where did it become a tradition to commit mischief on the first day of April? I spent Not-So-Bad Friday helping our neighbor put in his dock. I also launched our folding boat in the lake for my earliest boat ride ever. That Porta-Bote is an amazing boat. We used it to float dock sections out into the lake, and it worked like a charm. It’s very sturdy. There is a great photo available at the Porta-Bote website showing a boat like mine, filled with 600 pounds of concrete, as it lands in the water, having been dropped from a height of 21 feet. The test, done I believe by the Japanese Coast Guard, was conducted to illustrate how durable the polypropylene hull was. I’ve had a lot of fun with that boat, and despite a few design flaws (like the seats for instance), it really is bulletproof.



As of last Tuesday night, the Toronto Maple Leafs are statistically eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs, again. While I knew that day would come, I really thought they had a shot this year. They’ve all but replaced the team in the past six months, and they seemed to be winning for a change. I suppose I must write this one off as another “rebuilding year” … again. Time to start rooting for the Sabres, again. And yes, I am a hockey whore. By the way, the Leafs finally beat the Sabres the other night, after failing to do so in I think the last six consecutive attempts. Of course, they did so when it no longer mattered and when they were out of the running! And speaking of hockey, the other night, I watched about half of a movie about snappy dresser Don Cherry’s life, and I found it quite interesting. I think it was produced by his son. As much of a bonehead as Cherry seems to be as an announcer on Hockey Night in Canada, there is, as the movie points out, a human side to the guy. I guess he’s a little like the Don Rickles of the hockey world.



Just before Easter Sunday, I watched a few “experts” spar on Larry King Live over the latest controversy involving the Catholic Church. The issue was whether or not Pope Benedict XVI was guilty of delaying justice for Michael Teta, an Arizona priest accused of molesting two boys, seven and nine, twelve years ago. The argument goes that the Pope, then Cardinal Ratzinger, knowingly ignored Teta’s onerous transgressions and was therefore culpable. This blind eye approach seems to be an ongoing problem with the Church, and if it is not addressed soon, it will eclipse all that is good about Catholicism. I’ve got a novel idea for the Vatican, try abandoning the ridiculous and unnatural practice of enforced celibacy. If a priest elects to remain celibate, good for him, but forcing celibacy on grown men, as we have seen, has horrible and irreversible consequences. Perhaps offenders should, among other things, be forced to eat copious amounts of matzo … maybe even gefilte fish if they are really bad.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED