The Oppenheimer Report 11/30/07

Another U.S. Thanksgiving has come and gone. I loved seeing George Bush pardon a turkey. Who should be pardoning whom?! Thanksgiving has historically been my favorite holiday, and this year, to my great delight, dinner included only the immediate family. As is tradition, Shauna and I showed up in Buffalo around 3AM on the morning of Thanksgiving, and, as usual, when we walked into our room at the Holiday Inn, our room was unmade. The good news is that we were then upgraded to a better room on the top floor, which appealed to Jasper (because she now had higher vantage point from which to bark out the window). We turned in around 4AM and were then awakened at around 8AM to the yelling and screaming of crazy joggers, participating in the annual Buffalo “Turkey Trot”. As I whisked open the drapes, the first thing I saw was a group of joggers, dressed up like Pilgrims, trotting along in a tight formation and pushing a table with a mock turkey dinner down Delaware Avenue. It was all a bit surreal. I sleepily watched the thousands of joggers below stream by, many of them dressed in goofy costumes. When I took Jasper down for her morning constitutional, she barked at them all. That showed them … how dare all these people exhibit boundless energy, while I had none. Anyhow, I have much to be thankful for. Besides the fact that Shauna was able to attend this year, I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, all my nephews and their wives, and we had my octogenarian mother and nonagenarian father at the dinner table with us. Family is everything.

At present, we are back in Toronto, but we have not unpacked, because we will soon be heading back up to Burk’s Falls. We understand from our builder that the roof trusses are up in the two front turrets and, as you can imagine, we are eager to see that roof go on. Hopefully, the roofer will begin work installing the steel roof next Monday. The most recent delay has been getting the spray foam insulation guys to do their work before the top deck of the roof goes on. Trying to get construction work done on time is difficult, because many of the best contractors are extremely busy. This Fall, the weather has been a factor as well. Now, with Christmas fast approaching, the push is on. Another delay to the “closing in” of the house, is that the first of two window shipments arrived the other day, damaged. We can now expect that replacement windows will likely not arrive until after the first of the year. Perhaps we will just tarp the whole house in and forget about windows and doors.

We are taking this time in Toronto to investigate some of the many options for plumbing fixtures. The other day, I was amused by something that Shauna and I noticed while we scoured the internet for the best buy on toilets. I couldn’t believe how many different models there are to choose from! We found toilets that cost up to $5000. That seems like a lot for a toilet, but then again, it’s more practical than jewelry. Toto (our front runner toilet at the moment) offers dozens of options, and each comes with a ridiculous name. Take for instance the “Carusoe”, the “Plymouth”, the “Soiree”, the Pacifica”, the “Guinevere”, the “Drake”, or the “Lloyd”. How does one come up with “Guinevere” as a model name for a toilet? Do they have toilets for all the different Knights of the Round Table? And how would you feel if your name was Lloyd? Do they offer a “Fred” or a “Charlie” Here’s a good name for a toilet: the “Evacua” or perhaps the “Plungemaster”? Why would someone name their toilets anyhow?

Now that we are almost into December, don’t get stressed. I spoke to Santa the other day, and he told me that plumbing fixtures are the gift that keeps on giving. If you’re stumped, buy the one you love a new toilet. May I suggest the “Evacua ” … available in mauve or lime green?
-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 11/19/07

It always seemed as if the goofy commercials for Christmas began shortly after the American Thanksgiving, but lately they are starting well before Halloween. Did you ever see the one where Santa rides a Norelco cordless shaver down a snow bank? I like the commercial wherein a giant M&M scares Santa so badly that he faints. I’m not sure traumatizing Santa is the best way to sell children’s candy, but it’s a funny commercial nonetheless. In the booming metropolis of Burk’s Falls, the Christmas lights are beginning to pop up around the neighborhood. One guy up the street shines two red floodlights on his house, and that’s it. You all know how I feel about people who don’t “go the extra mile” in their celebratory holiday decorations. Shining a red light on your house at Christmas time is a little like buying a plastic hatchet at Shoppers Humongous Warehouse for your Halloween costume … it’s a weak effort. If you’re going to do Christmas lights, there is an unwritten rule which states that there must be ladders, high voltage, and at least a modicum of danger involved. If the other lights in the neighborhood don’t dim when you plug yours in, something’s wrong. Final note in the Christmas front lawn decoration rant … There must have been a sale up here on white wire reindeer with electronically controlled bobbing heads, outlined with little white lights. Up one block from us there’s a whole herd of them, flanked by two giant plastic Santas. Now THAT’S a Christmas display. As soon as I can figure out how to affix it to the front lawn, I will install our giant, revolving, flashing pink neon Star of David. I hope nobody mistakes it for a pentagram.

We are settling in to our new home away from home quite nicely. Phil, our landlord, tarped in our carport the other day, so as to make it more like a garage. This project had mixed reviews, as the tarp has come loose and the tarp flaps noisily in the wind. It was a nice idea though. Phil is a nice guy. I have been building makeshift furniture for this place, as most of our furniture is either in Toronto, or tightly packed in a storage trailer on the jobsite. The other day I made a drafting table/ desk out of a cut off section of our tongue and groove roof decking, and we have various shelf units scattered around the place made from log ends. This house is beginning to look a lot like our apartment in Toronto has come to look: like a construction office, with plans scattered about and files boxes full of files covering everything from roof materials to floor manufacturers. What is ten times better about this winter than last winter, is that we actually have a forced hot air furnace. No more stoking the wood stove in an un-insulated cottage at 3AM.

Final note. I watched a segment on 60 Minutes on the “Millennials” a week ago, and it really riled me. Millennials are today’s twenty-somethings, who are now entering the workforce in droves. The gist of the story was that many of these coddled brats, used to being praised and pampered by everyone from their Boomer parents to their modern age teachers, expect Shangri-La in the workplace. If they don’t find it, they simply move on to the next job. Demand for their skills is so high that the employers are forced to kiss their spoiled little hineys, offering them games, playrooms, and various other incentives. There is even industry which has built up around catering to this generation of soft, over-praised Nintendo-heads. There are consultants, and playroom designers, and psychologists in feel-good workplace relations, etc. The workplace is being transformed into a daycare center! If these youngsters are leading us into the next century, heaven help us. They may be tech savvy, but I suspect that their capability to cope with the hosejob which is life will make them lambs for the slaughter as soon as the next “great unpleasantness” foists itself upon mankind. Here’s a wake up call to all you Millennials … learn how to say “Do you want fries with that?” in Chinese.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 11/5/07

Over the past weekend, Shauna and I moved out of the so-called “fifth wheel” camper trailer in which we have lived since May. I think Fate gave us a bit of a nudge, because shortly before we moved out, the furnace motor gave out and began to make a noise similar to fingernails across a blackboard whenever it was turned on. We were then reduced to two little ceramic space heaters, which were not particularly effective as the mercury dropped below zero. As well, one of our next door neighbors, who had so generously supplied us with a water source all summer long, closed up their cottage for the season, and along with it, our water supply. In the last week, I was carrying five gallon pails of water up from the lake, mixing them with anti-freeze in a garbage can, and then pumping the mixture into the camper in order to ensure that the pipes didn’t freeze. That in turn meant that we needed a separate supply of water with which to wash our hands and our dishes. I have a great deal more respect for those who live without the comforts I take for granted: electricity, running water, indoor plumbing, etc. There is no better way to appreciate how much water one uses than to be required to carry it by hand from some distance (in my case only about 200 yards). For so many people in the world, running water is a luxury.

Our new home away from home is a bungalow in nearby Burk's Falls. We have rented it on a month to month basis from a guy named Phil, whose wife recently passed away. Phil and his wife had lived out on nearby Three Mile Lake, and when she passed, he purchased this little bungalow in town, because it was closer to his friends. Fortunately for us, Phil has not yet sold his home on the lake, and the timing was right for us to rent it short term, until our home is finished. More and more, that finish date is looking like early Spring. Phil is an older guy – I think he’s over eighty -- but the other day, he helped me move some of his furniture into this bungalow, and he’s as strong as an ox. During the weekend I got to meet some of his friends, and I must say the country codgers up here are tough as nails. Anyhow the new digs are just fine, and allow us to remain close to our building site. Because water had to be rationed in the camper, showers were infrequent and necessarily short. I took the longest shower I have ever taken in my life as soon as we moved into the bungalow. As I write this, Shauna is doing the same.

One final comment about our new residence ... Shauna and I have never lived in a “neighborhood” together. Since we have been married we’ve lived in the relative anonymity of a high rise apartment. Even the job site we were on is comparatively secluded, and our neighbors there are spread out. Now, we look out the window, and we have a lot of neighbors. Most notably, across the street we see two rather strange families in a duplex. We have become somewhat pre-occupied with what I like to call “Kravitzing”. For all you “Bewitched” fans, this term should be self-explanatory, and for those of you who are not, well, let’s just say we are nosy, bordering on obsessively so. I think we’ve been locked up so long we may have lost our minds. We’ve been watching the duplex people carefully and have decided (for no good reason) that they are up to no good. I think it they might be running a meth lab; or, at the very least, a grow-op. In Toronto we used to live across the hall from a crazy German drug dealer. I used to see him down at my bank depositing suitcases full of cash, and he was quite a nuisance, until Manulife finally kicked him out. He sabotaged his apartment when he left, and even tore out the kitchen cabinets. I suppose one kind of expects that sort of thing in a big city like Toronto, but Burk’s Falls?! I will be keeping and eye on these duplex people. Thank goodness we have Jasper for protection.

Hurricane Noel just walloped Nova Scotia. Hillary Clinton is falling prey to the Democratic front runner curse, the Canadian dollar is worth $1.07 U.S., and I live across the street from potential (given my twisted imagination) drug dealers. Maybe the sky IS falling.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED