The Oppenheimer Report 2/24/14



People have been sending us links lately showing dogs doing remarkable tricks, and I’m afraid our dog Jasper may be developing an inferiority complex. My neighbor Rick sent me an amusing video clip of a German Shepherd shoveling snow. One clip in particular caught my eye; it was of a little Jack Russell Terrier named Jesse, who did everything from make the bed to take out the garbage. He even put his dog dish in the dishwasher, which I think is adorable. I’m told Jack Russells are very smart dogs, but stubborn and hard to train. When we lived in downtown Toronto, there was one living down the hall in our apartment building, and Jack (clever name huh?) barked constantly. Jasper hated him. Actually, everyone on the floor hated Jack. Each time we went down the hall to take the elevator down for our walk, Jasper would sniff at his door to taunt him. This, of course, sent Jack into convulsions, and he would repeatedly throw himself against the door in a frothing rage, screaming his head off. This was particularly troublesome on Sunday mornings. He was the coyote to Jasper’s roadrunner. Jasper loves to mix it up, and she has some serious attitude.

Everybody likes to think their pet is brilliant, but sometimes this just isn’t true. My sister had a mutt named Stanley about forty years ago, and Stanley had what I call “character.” I think he was an idiot savant, because in some respects he was very intelligent. Stanley had an enormous vocabulary and could fetch any one of his many toys upon command. On the other hand, he did not have the common sense to look where he was going. I once called him, and he looked back at me, kept walking, and fell off a 7’ break wall. He had one ear that stuck up and I think it was because he had a tendency to walk into walls. I suppose we could teach Jasper to fetch the paper, or do some other menial task that humans usually do, but I feel this is beneath her. I prefer to let her think she owns the house and protects us from squirrels and other rodents. In the back yard of my parents’ house in Buffalo she once protected me from a rabbit, although I’m not sure whether it was so much protecting me as it was her wanting to kill the rabbit. Frankly that rabbit didn’t seem like much of a threat. It freaked me out though; I’d never seen her kill anything before. I guess it's in her genes; she goes nuts every time she sees any rodent. My friend Bob called her “Redbeard” for weeks after this first kill, which I know he did just to annoy me. Anyhow, I had the brilliant idea the other day to film Jasper doing ridiculous “tricks” she does on a daily basis. For instance, I will wait until she is about to eliminate and speak the command “Jasper, poop!”  Or feed her, and just as she is lunging for her dinner, utter the command “Eat!” Then I can post these on the internet to parody the un-ending need of some pet owners to prove their pet is sharper than all the rest. Perhaps there’s a MENSA test for dogs.

As the Sochi Winter Olympic Games wound down and the torch was extinguished, there were plenty of surprises, as there always are.  The big upsets that caught my eye were the Russian and United States men’s hockey teams who both failed to make the podium. That U.S. 5-0 loss to Finland in the bronze round was hard to watch.  I am sure Vlad was disappointed that his Russian hockey team did not medal, but his country still won the most medals overall. Yesterday morning we woke up early enough to watch the Canada - Sweden game, and thankfully, Canada won the gold. Sweden was without several key players, but nonetheless, Canada played an almost flawless game. Once again CBC did not disappoint, providing excellent coverage of all the events, while NBC decidedly did not.  While I am in fact a Yank, I’d have enjoyed being on Yonge Street in Toronto last night to party with all the jubilant Canadian fans. We all know that Canadians take their ice hockey very seriously, having invented the sport and all. Overall Canadian athletes did very well (3^rd in number of gold medals and 2^nd in silver medals), and may rank even higher when all the drug tests are done. I also enjoyed the bobsled races and the slalom events (snowboard and ski). Too bad the courses were so sloppy. Final note, the question on everybody’s mind this week is what is next for the Ukraine. After a week of bloody violence, President Yanukovych has stepped down, but will anything really change? Is Putin likely to stay out of this? I doubt it.

Jasper, don’t be jealous of Jesse, you’re still the top dog in this family.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

The Oppenheimer Repor 2/17/14

Photo from the D.Jordan Taylor Collection

At present there are two celebrities who I think are becoming a little bit overexposed. The first one is Morgan Freeman, or more specifically, Morgan Freeman’s voice. Don’t get me wrong, I like Morgan Freeman. I like his cool demeanor, I like his distinctive voice, and I’ve enjoyed almost every role I’ve seen him play. That said, his voice is in about every other commercial voice over I hear on television, and it’s enough already. Shauna indicated on Facebook that she “liked” his voice, and now, every day, she gets an unwanted post of a quote wherein she is to imagine Freeman’s voice reciting it (perhaps from movies he’s been in, I don’t know). I’m serious! Josh Robert Thompson, the voice of the wisecracking gay robot, Geoff Peterson, on Craig Ferguson’s Late, Late Show (which I enjoy), does a great impression of Freeman and occasionally says wildly inappropriate things using Freeman’s voice. The other celebrity of whom I could do with a little less is Sir Paul McCartney. I am a huge fan of the Beatles, and I mean no disrespect to Paul, or the band, or to their music. It just seems like McCartney is everywhere performing these days, and while he was a great singer, I’m afraid he’s not always firing on all cylinders anymore. I don’t want to see my icons decaying in public. Also, it’s a little creepy seeing an almost 70 year old man singing “She was just seventeen.” Can you say “statutory rape?” Ditto Jagger. I love some of the music of The Rolling Stones, but Mick Jagger is beginning to annoy me. Onstage he struts around like a rooster, and aging poultry is not a pretty sight.

Last week marked the 50^th anniversary of the Beatles debut on The Ed Sullivan Show. I just watched the Grammy Salute to The Beatles which I’d recorded last week.  I thought it was very entertaining, and I vaguely remember watching that debut with my sister Jill back in 1964. I was eight. I even remember our clunky Zenith console color TV, with a channel changer that sounded like an automatic weapon firing. I also recall seeing a lot of other artists for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. Bands like The Dave Clark Five, The Rolling Stones, The Mamas and the Papas, The Kinks (I think), and The Beach Boys. I like a lot of Beatles songs, and it was interesting to hear some of them covered by contemporary artists in the salute (with varying degrees of success). Lots of celebrity musicians played and sang for the celebration and that was cool. I particularly liked hearing Keith Urban perform Don’t Let Me Down with John Mayer. Great guitar work. Peter Frampton, Joe Walsh, Don Was, Jeff Lynne, Annie Lenox, and more - it was the who’s who of rock ‘n roll. I liked hearing George Harrison’s son Dhani playing along with Joe Walsh and Jeff Lynne on Hear Comes the Sun, because I could hear George’s voice in there somewhere. Brief aside, Yoko’s got some miles on her. I never understood what John saw in her, and I will never forgive her for breaking up the band (oh come on, of course I’m kidding). Sean now looks like a carbon copy of his dad back in the 80’s. McCartney looked pretty good, though I have to agree with Craig Ferguson, who often pokes fun at the aging Beatle’s resemblance to Angela Lansbury (circa Murder That Bitch). Not usually of fan of Ringo’s music, I enjoyed his set. And who doesn’t recognize Yellow Submarine? Shauna asked me what that song is about, and I told her “three and a half minutes.” I mean, come on, what is I am the Walrus about? All I can say is, those boys must have been taking some primo acid.

Final comments on the Sochi Winter Olympics… Short track speed skating is an insane sport. So are most of the snowboarding and skiing events.  Local Canadian slopestyle competitor Dara Howell took home a gold making her hometown (Huntsville is 20 miles from us) proud. I never saw a skier spend so much time skiing backwards. I have tried to embrace curling, I know there is great skill involved, but I’m just not feeling it. Same for the Nordic ski events. The hockey has been impressive and it was fun to see the U.S.A beat Russia in a prolonged nail biter of a shootout. Canada’s team looks strong. It will be interesting to see who wins the gold because there is a lot of strong competition and there’s a long way to gold. Once again, way to go CBC for your excellent coverage.

Paul, you did a great version of Hey Jude in the Grammy salute, let it be your “last waltz.” Somebody go gentle into that good night, please!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 2/10/14

The other day, I learned that a friend of ours was a member of Mensa, an IQ society for the most intelligent people in the world. Of course, one needs to score verifiably high on an IQ test to become eligible. I probably took an IQ test at some point in my early childhood, but I do not remember ever hearing how I scored. My parents were probably too embarrassed to tell me (and I never asked). “It’s OK honey, you’re special in so many other ways.” No one ever offered me admission into Mensa, that’s for sure. Shauna found a series of Mensa tests on the internet, and she took 4 of them. She answered almost all the questions correctly, which didn’t surprise me. The testee (testes?) is given certain clues and is then required to fill in the blanks with the answer. For instance, the clue might be 24 H in a D, and of course the answer is 24 hours in a day. Easy, right? The clues get harder as you go down the list. Some of them were extremely difficult, but Shauna scored in the “genius” range. I answered some of the clues as well. I quickly surpassed the “drooling moron without a pulse” category, flew past “not-the-sharpest-knife-in-the-drawer” and was closing in on “average” when I lost interest and went back to watching something mind-numbing on television. One of the clues was 7 D S … seven deadly sins, which of course, I answered correctly. Figures I would get that one. To refresh your memory, the original seven deadly sins are: Lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. I think you’d have to be a special kind of jerk to embody all seven sins. That said, there are plenty of other ways for a person to misbehave. Let us not forget idolatry, sorcery, drunkenness, fornication, uncleanness, murder, sedition, adultery, hatred, envy, producer of reality television; and we’re just getting started . I think sloth and gluttony are two of my bigger problems. I had three, count ‘em three large cookies last night after dinner, and then I had a butter tart muffin to wash them down. But I digress from my digression.

The 2014 Winter Olympic Games kicked off last Friday in Sochi, Russia, and as always, the opening ceremony was spectacular to behold. Closet pyromaniac that I am, I always like to watch the lighting of the torch. Too bad about that snowflake malfunction, but hey, those things happen. The Vancouver Winter Olympic Games were not without their glitches, and does anybody remember when all those doves got incinerated during the torch lighting at the Seoul Olympics? Much has been made of the terrorist threat in Russia and I kept expecting to see one of those crazy Chechen rebels jump out from the crowd and blow him or herself up, but so far the only fireworks have been purely for entertainment. I could be wrong, but I think that human rights are a little more carefully guarded here in North America than they are in Russia. I’d hate to be someone on the terrorist list anywhere near Sochi. I imagine the macho, homophobic, Vlad Putin would be all too happy to scorch the earth and “clean house,” and I doubt he would be especially worried about collateral damage. And if you’re unfortunate enough to be a gay Russian terrorist, fuggetabotit. Remember, Vlad’s the guy backing Syria’s current genocide, and he has a lot riding on this event. After spending about $50 Billion of his countrymen’s money to host these games (apparently more than any other country has ever spent), I think he will do whatever he can to avoid any kind of terrorist violence. Of course, how does one protect against a foe that is willing to sacrifice his or her own life? You can’t really.

Finally, this was an action-packed weekend up here in the Great White North. Not only did I catch a few hours of the nearby Kearney Dogsled Races, but I made it there in time to watch the parade of vintage snowmobiles (see above photo). I also attended this month’s Katrine Jamboree. Woo hoo. The guy with whom I am presently recording is the sound man for these monthly jamborees, and he introduced me to a local performer from the Huntsville area named Tina Turley. She’s very talented, sounds a bit like Melissa Etheridge, and plays with a good band up here. I’m hoping I might be able to persuade her to sing on one of my demos.

I wonder if an unclean sorcerer would be considered better or worse on the sin scale than say an idol-worshipping fornicator. I may not be a genius, but I am inquisitive.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 2/3/14

Do something every day that scares you, isn’t that what they say? For some people that might be jumping out of an airplane, or learning Cantonese, or confronting one’s arachnophobia. For me, it is the act of believing in myself.  I did something that scared the hell out of me last Wednesday, and it felt pretty good. Last Wednesday I played seven of my songs (including my marriage proposal song to Shauna) on a radio show called “Talent on the Bay” broadcast by Hunters Bay Radio in nearby Huntsville. Doug McClean, one of my fellow songwriters up here had put in a good word for me at the station, and I was invited by Christine Heron, the host of the show, to come on and perform.

At the end of last week’s report (which 12 people read) I’d mentioned in passing that I would be playing the show, and that was the last I spoke of it to anyone. Ever my biggest fan and promoter, Shauna got busy on her phone and on Facebook spreading the word to as many friends and family as she could contact. People were surprisingly supportive, before and after the show, and I want you all to know that this meant a lot to me.

 I was not sure until the day of the broadcast if I would even make it; so many obstacles conspired against me. Apart from my trepidation about performing, the weather was atrocious, and Wednesday morning, we had not yet been plowed out at the house. As well, at about 5AM Wednesday morning, Shauna awakened me from my much-needed beauty sleep, very upset because we once again had a flying squirrel in our bedroom. That extraction took about an hour and left me completely wired. I sat in bed for the next three hours staring at the ceiling and imagining the hundred ways I could make a complete fool of myself on air. Maybe I’ll fall into a narcoleptic stupor mid song. Perhaps I’ll prove myself to be a musical imposter for all of Muskoka to hear. As I braved horizontal snow-blown Highway 11 to Huntsville, my old companions, self-doubt and fear, swam around in my brain, wreaking havoc on my self-confidence. I wondered how I could have ever agreed to such a potentially disastrous experience. What am I trying to prove here; do my songs really deserve to be heard?? Such arrogance! I arrived at the station early and sat nervously in my car for five minutes, watching the winter storm stir up little tornadoes of snow all around me. Even Mother Nature doesn’t want me to do this! I had rehearsed some songs – I was told to have 4-7 available to play – but I wasn’t sure how I would respond to the questions I might be asked. Thankfully, everyone at the station was great, and Christine was affable and easy to talk to. A fellow singer/songwriter herself she seems to be passionate about music, and she put me at ease almost immediately. The next hour was a blur. While I know I made mistakes in my performances, I did get my songs out there and did not completely choke. In short, I succeeded in presenting a few of my stronger songs to a larger listening audience than I had so far reached. And I have a recording of the event.

Hunters Bay Radio has been around for a while, but is presently only accessible online. That is about to change, because they have received their license from the CRTC and are slated to go on the air as an FM station this Spring (88.7 for anyone in range). I think the station has great potential, and I have offered my services as a volunteer, because I like that this radio station supports  the local music community. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get do a radio show. Go to http://www.muskokaonline.com to learn more about Hunters Bay Radio, or you can do a YouTube search of Hunter’s Bay Radio to see and hear some of the local talent, including artists Christine Heron, Sean Cotton, Lewis and Clarke, Juan Barbosa, and Scott Gilson. All in all, a great learning experience for this wannabe songwriter.  

 
Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman has died at 46, the victim of an apparent drug overdose. I never had a clue the guy had a drug problem, probably because his work did not suffer, and he kept his personal life under wraps. Unlike the Lohans and the Biebers of the world, who wreck their trains in the center of town, Seymour Hoffman just seemed to get better and better at what he did. I am sorry that one of the truly talented actors, who did not have his head up his ass, has succumbed to this all too common affliction.

Note to self, when I become famous, I should stay away from the heroin.  

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED