Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Oppenheimer Report 12/26/07


Boxing Day in Burk’s Falls … it’s a shopper’s dream! Too bad I already paid too much for my goofy trooper hat a few weeks ago; I probably could have found a real bargain today. Hope you all had a happy holiday, spent with family and friends. My Christmas present last week was a clean bill of health. Last Thursday, I had my first colonoscopy, and while the twenty-four hours preceding the test were no picnic, the actual procedure was painless, thanks to a general anesthetic. The doctor says I won’t need another one of those tests for a long time, and I can focus my hypochondria on some other imagined ailments for the next decade. To my great disappointment, I did not receive a sucker after the procedure was over.

After the carpenters left last Friday afternoon, I spent an hour or two shoveling slush off the second floor of our still-open-to-the-elements log home. My concern was that, if I didn’t get rid of some of the piles of slush, everything would turn to solid ice as soon as the weather turned again. They can shovel the snow away, but chipping out blocks of ice is a little more time-consuming. While the majority of the house is now covered, the central living area is still essentially exposed to the weather. There are four valley logs (which run at 45 degree angles down from the peak ridge beam) which remain to go up before the roof can be completely closed in. For anyone familiar with log home construction, the logs which make up the roof structure are complicated and time-consuming to place. Those four valley logs need to be notched perfectly, and will likely be placed (with a crane) and taken down several times before they are perfectly fitted. All of the cutting work is done with chain saws, sometimes high up on a scaffold. Certainly, that work isn’t any easier when it’s very cold, the snow is falling heavily, and the wind is blowing hard. Actually, these log-framed roofs require a lot of time regardless of the weather conditions. Our head carpenter estimated that they would need about a week to complete their work on the two turret roofs, and that job took them closer to four times the amount of time he’d allotted. I can’t say enough about the carpenters on this job; their work ethic is fantastic and the quality of their work is excellent. Really everyone involved in building this house has been great; we have been very lucky to have chosen the builder we did.

With the New Year approaching, I’m quite sure that, barring any unforeseen circumstances, Shauna, Jasper, and I will be spending a quiet evening here in bucolic Burk’s Falls, and perhaps I will indulge in the attitude-adjusting benefits of a sparkling malt beverage or two. A few weeks ago, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek wish list for Santa, but I truly do want most of those things for mankind. I’ll settle for a little less hatred and misunderstanding, and I resolve to work on that goal where it concerns my behavior. For those of you who choose to partake in the ubiquitous, mind-altering festivities of First Night, by all means, knock yourself out … tie one on, paint the town red, smash that piƱata, hoot, howl, spread your wings; drive the porcelain bus … but if you do choose to get conflobulated, take a cab, or let a sober person drive you home. I, Shauna, and Jasper wish you all a Happy New Year!
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Oppenheimer Report 12/17/07


As I write this week’s report, with HGTV on in the background, I’m listening to a recording of the Rat Pack live at the Sands Hotel in Vegas, and Jasper is curled up next to me, snoring. Outside, the snow is piling up. Apparently, Toronto is getting a much more intense version of this snowstorm. I’ve already shoveled our driveway twice today, and it looks as if I’ll be doing it again before the day is done. The snow is beginning to blow horizontally, which probably isn’t a good thing.

So far, I have stubbornly refused to buy a snow blower, but my resolve is weakening. For the last forty years of my shoveling career, I have somehow managed to survive my winters without a gas-powered machine. The driveway of our rental home is only about sixty feet long, and I’m not giving in to an expensive, “labor-saving” device just yet. I am still an able-bodied young man (hah!), and I am capable of shoveling my own friggin’ driveway. The other day, I went to the local hardware store and bought one of those honker snow shovels, more designed for redirecting snow than actually shoveling it. It has a push bar, not a handle, and I simply push the snow where I want to … mostly out into the street and towards my neighbor’s driveway. Keep in mind we’re renters. Once I got the hang of using this manual snowplow, I found that I can clear our driveway in about fifteen or twenty minutes. As I said, so far today, I have been out twice.

I’ve been watching other people on our street – the ones who own snow blowers, and who have already been through my standard period of denial - and each one has his or her own unique style of snow removal. One woman stops every ten feet to inspect her progress (which tends to be a meandering path), one guy doesn’t seem to know how to direct the snow spout, and shoots it at his car and house. One guy has a little plastic booth in which he stands while he blows snow, so as to avoid the elements. He probably has a stereo set up in there too. The guy with the most interesting technique, blows his driveway in the conventional manner, then packs it down by doing donuts in his driveway with his snowmobile. Or maybe he’s just bored. Brief aside: snowmobiles are omnipresent here, and, much to my surprise, it is legal to drive them on most roads. There’s another mechanical device I will resist with vigor.

Yesterday, just for kicks, I did a little snow blower due diligence. I went over to my community post office to pick up our mail. Our post office in Katrine also serves as my marina, lawnmower repair shop, and Toro snow blower dealer. They had a real beauty on sale, complete with all the bells and whistles. It had six forward speeds and two for reverse. Why does one need two reverse gears for a snow blower … my car doesn’t even have that?! I wonder if one can get after-market headers and chrome exhaust pipes as well. If I do purchase a snow blower, I’m painting flames on it. Everyone I talk to up here advises me to get a blower with at least an 8HP engine and a 26” cut. No sense pussyfooting around up here; this is snow country. When I returned home, Shauna was rapt in a website advertising serious snow handling equipment. There was even heavy metal music playing in the background. I’m not interested in entering a monster truck competition here, I just want to clear the snow off our driveway. And I want the flames … . and maybe the chrome exhaust pipes.

Final notes … Gazillionaire “Lord ” Conrad Black was sentenced to six years in the gentleman’s slammer, convicted of defrauding his Hollinger stock holders. Willie “The Pig” Pickton received twenty-five to life for his ghoulish prostitute murders in B.C. . Singer songwriter Dan Fogelberg died at fifty-six, and a few weeks ago, the ever-whiny V.P. Al Gore won a Nobel prize, for being a whiner. Here’s a dilemma Al: Do not snow blowers contribute to global warming? Do more snow blowers mean more snow? Discuss.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Oppenheimer Report - 12/10/07




As most of my regular readers already know, I have been a close friend of Santa Claus for over twenty years now. He had some personal problems a while back, and I suppose that, in some small way, I helped him. I recommended a good lawyer in 1987 when he was slapped with that class action lawsuit over roof damage in New Jersey. ‘87 was a bad year for Santa. Rudolph fell “off the wagon” again, and there was the crippling elf strike. I got him into rehab after his FWI (flying while intoxicated) charge in Greenland. I advised him not to leave Mrs. Claus when she had that fling with the Kuwaiti arms dealer in 1994. My wife called it “menaclaus”, but whatever you want to call it, “the missus” really went off the deep end there for a few months. It just seemed a shame to let 438 years of marriage go down the tubes over one little error in judgment. Between you and me, Santa could probably do better; I think Bea Claus is uglier than E.T.

Anyhow, Santa and I have this bond, and I’ve never really asked him for anything… before now. This year, I’m breaking that tradition, and I have a list of simple requests for the main elf. Most of them are unselfish wishes -- I’ve got just about everything I need – but, I think these things might make good emotional “stocking stuffers” for mankind… here goes:

1.No more “Head-On” commercials!
2.No more CNN coverage of O.J. Simpson…inquiring minds DO NOT want to know, and seeing that guy’s arrogant smirk on television is just aggravating.
3.No more civilian Humvees in North America. As much as I applaud the excessive waste and consumption of our Western society, no one really needs an assault vehicle in North America, with the possible exception of the residents of Detroit.
4. Obama maybe, but PULEEEASE, not Hillary. I’m all for change, but Americans need a Democrat for whom we can vote. Just because she isn’t a boneheaded, right wing war-mongering freak, doesn’t mean she can’t screw things up worse than Baby Bush has.
5.The usual: world peace, no more hate crimes, no more bigotry, or hatred in general
6.Some kind of effective international system of monitoring and checking the poisonous by-products of religious fundamentalism. No matter whom you are, God is not telling you to murder each other.
7.Mandatory stun collars (set to “char”) for all bloodthirsty despots, especially the ones who use children to fight their wars
8.A more balanced trade deficit,
9.More global accountability for human rights violations
10.More food with less chemicals
11. A renewable source of energy which uses saltwater for fuel and leaves potable water as its by-product … then Al Gore can start whining about the shrinkage of our oceans.
12. A pay hike for all workers in Asia, India, and Indonesia; let’s even the playing field a bit.
13.A universal cap on all lawyers’ contingency fees
14.Face recognition software to monitor all airports and public places. The heck with our right to privacy … let’s get real; we lose that privilege as soon as we walk out the door of our house
15. More funding for medical R&D, a cure for all terminal illnesses, including AIDS, all forms of cancer, ALS, MS, FMS, Malaria, ADD, and the PTA
16. With reference to that last request, an altruistic drug company
17. Healthy national, or perhaps international debates on the subjects of euthanasia, abortion, and gay rights, not dictated by the boneheads of the religious far right
18. More movie remakes of 1970’s T.V. programs. We can’t have enough of those.
19. Less stupid people in government
20. Less stupid people in general
21. O.K., this one IS for me … more public officials and members of the media who can and do speak the King’s English.

And Santa, if you’re listening, get something nice for Mrs. Claus … maybe some make-up, or a paper bag to put over her head.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED