The Oppenheimer Report 12/31/12

Happy New Year to my twelve loyal readers!

I failed to mention in last week’s report that, although not an avid gift-giver, I couldn’t resist buying Shauna a holiday gift at the Dollar Store. In the dental hygiene section ( I know, I know, the Dollar Store has a dental hygiene section!) I found a Justin Bieber - I call him “The Beaver”, to acknowledge his Canadian roots, and because he is just so cute - musical tooth brush. Not only is it a perfectly functional manual toothbrush, but it also plays two different Bieber hits! Who needs an Ipod, I can just play the toothbrush when I want to dance?!

Of course, tonight is New Year’s Eve, and while some of you will be guzzling champagne in gala Gatsby-esque soirees, or attending some fancy tux n’ gown first night celebration to watch a ball (or transvestite if you live in Key West) drop, I will be doing a 5-11 pm nursing shift to cover a gap in our as yet imperfect nursing rotation. We have not been able to leave this house for three weeks other than to shop in supplies or to check in on our house sitters up north. For all of you aging codgers out there deluding yourselves that you can live forever, or put off any contingency plans for unanticipated medical care, shame on you. You will fail; it’s not if,  it’s when, and you should not put the burden on your kids to drum this into your heads. Those kids may be faced with the same nightmare Shauna and I are now facing, one I have now faced twice, wherein they find themselves behind the eight ball (in our case during the worst week of the year to find assistance), scrambling desperately to enlist the necessary care to keep your parents safe. Just for the record, that care does not easily fall into place, and it will be your kids who suffer immeasurably.

In the news, Sen. John Kerry is being vetted to be the new U.S. Secretary of State to fill Hillary Clinton’s post when she steps down. Mrs. Clinton is presently on injured reserve and visibly spent after a recent fall and resulting concussion sidelined her from her stately duties. I understand she is again back in the hospital with a blood clot related to that concussion. Last Saturday marked the 105^th day of the NHL lockout and I’ll be shocked if those bastards manage to begin the new year without scuttling the season. Bad press is bad press, and in the public relations game, regardless of who is more “in the right, they should ALL be ashamed of such prolonged bad faith. Too much money is going to the wrong people, don‘t you think? In a perfect world both the NHL players and owners would be forced to hand over some of their ill-gotten gains to all the lower tier businessmen and women who have been so negatively impacted by this fiasco. I would love it if this dark stain on professional hockey deflected some of the abused fans and obscene money away from those overpaid fools and back to some of the more exciting amateur leagues, or maybe even indoor lacrosse; I hear that’s exciting.

Here’s my final rant for 2012, because this past year’s big stories have already been covered ad nauseam. There were the Olympics stories, the hurricanes, and tornadoes, and floods, and the resulting debate about our control of climate change. There was the aftermath of the Arab Spring, the civil war in Syria, the ousting of Momo Q. in Libya, the turbulent changes in Egypt, the ever-changing threats to Israel, and the tragedy of Palestine. But in my myopic view 2012 was the year American politics officially went completely off the rails. Of course, like the ever present extension agreements that stave off inevitable cuts to services and painful tax increases, that derailment is subject to periodic reinterpretation. What will be the new normal in ten years? Socialism? Theocracy? Spin the wheel. While the Chos, and the Kaczynskis, and the Loughners and Lanzas flow like a quiet lava burning through the core of our society, politicians and high end money changers seem to be incapable of leading us out of this mess we’re in. We intoxicate ourselves with inane television, which these days includes most of the news. Doubtless it is easy to succumb to the feelings of alienation that can poison our civilization. I’m going through a rough patch right now, and forgive me my angry self righteousness, because I know I’m just as guilty and clueless as the next guy. I know one thing only - right now I am where I need to be: helping and loving my family. I have no idea what will happen in the next several weeks, much less the next four years. I don’t care about exercising more, or swearing less, or even being nicer to the French as I annually resolve to be. My resolution is ongoing, it involves trying to do a better job of loving. I’ve got a long way to go.

Do you think they make Metallica toothbrushes?

       Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/25/12

I was in the dollar store the other day, where I do all my Christmas shopping (because nothing says joy to the world like a present from the dollar store) and I could not believe what I discovered. The dollar store now sells condoms! Can you believe it?? I ask you, is there a better way to practice safe sex than to use a dollar store condom? And such a deal - two bucks for a box of twelve! You can rest assured your boys won’t swim with one of those puppies on! So, if you’ve had a bit too much eggnog at the office Christmas party, and that gold-digging bleached blond with the basketball-sized fake boobs from reception pulls you in to the copy room for a quickie, make sure you come armed with proper protection, because she may offer to supply one of those party balloons from the dollar store. You could find yourself polluting the gene pool with another Honey booboo, and I think we can all agree that’s one booboo you don’t want to make.

We are still scrambling to arrange caregivers for Shauna’s increasingly needy parents. After Syd’s most recent stroke a few weeks ago, things went south very fast. Last week there were assessments by health care workers, interviews with caregivers, and hours of phone calls to arrange for the various senior services they will need. All the while there is the ongoing debate, the arguments, and the stubborn resistance we face about what they do and do not need to be safe in their home. Since the most recent stroke, Shauna’s dad has become exponentially more in need of round the clock care, and this has been traumatic for both parents. Shauna’s mom was overwhelmed -the same thing that happened to my mom - and she still has not fully accepted the reality of her situation. Few of them do. Once again I somewhat helplessly watch this transitional phase unfold, wherein strangers take over, privacy and dignity are compromised, and denial manifests itself in anger towards the “messenger.” For any of you who are in the throes of this phase, or have recently experienced it, you know that it is fraught with guilt and frustration for the children. There is ambivalence prompting a host of complicated emotions associated with taking the reins. Are we doing the wrong thing? Can we trust this or that person? Are we over-reacting, should we back off? The answer is almost always NO! Of course the kids are going to take the heat when we start making life changing decisions for our parents. In our case, it has become glaringly apparent that assistance is needed. These days Shauna and I are constantly exhausted, and even the dog is picking up on the tension. I have been spending a lot of time in holiday traffic, procuring the necessary tools for geriatric care in the house. By the way, for anyone who might not know this, one of the first purchases should be a baby video monitor, invaluable as an extra set of eyes. They come with portable, rechargeable video monitors that can be carried with you. We used one for my mom and dad, and in the five years since we bought that first one, the technology has improved considerably. For under $200.00 I just bought a Levana (model LV-TW502), with night vision, a color monitor, and which can be expanded to accept up to four cameras. Just this once, I am not going to bitch about advances in technology.

Thankfully, the latest deadline for the end of the world came and passed and mankind has not been wiped off the face of the earth as predicted. Give us a few more years. I’m not a betting man but I’d say we’ve got at least a few more decades before we 86 ourselves as a species. A notable obituary I failed to mention last week: Ravi Shankar passed away. I’d never even heard of a sitar before Ravi turned me on to its exotic sound back in the 60s. Stand back United Way, there’s a new charity in town: Toys for Tatas. I saw on the news the other day that The Platinum Cabaret, an exotic dancing establishment, offers a two for one lap dances if you bring in a toy for the kids. Now that’s getting into the holiday spirit.

According to what I’m hearing, this year it is politically correct to say “Merry Christmas!”, so Merry Christmas to all twelve of my readers. And be nice to Grandma and Grandpa; growing old is not for sissies.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/17/12

This week I had intended to impart my usual inane nonsense, about the criminal element at the North Pole, about elf gangs, and reindeer substance abuse, and Mrs. Claus’s most recent forays into the bowels of sordid adultery; and then the latest outrageous tragedy befell America, this time in Newtown, Ct. Twenty little boys and girls and six adults, slaughtered by a madman who then took his own life. It all happened in a couple of minutes. As I begin this report on Saturday, it seems as if the unthinkable has become commonplace and that evil is winning. Watching the faces on the television screen last night, I saw a country on the brink of despair, and from some of the messages I received, and from what I am seeing in the media, there is an unbridled rage welling up in my society. Opinions are like assholes; everyone’s got one. Here is mine …

I don’t have any solace to impart here; I’m definitely no man of G-d, and I am certainly as confused and outraged as the rest of you are. What startled me almost as much as the senseless violence was some very angry messages on my phone, directed at my country, and at people who as it turned out had nothing to do with this horror. The anger and fear is completely understandable, especially from parents, and that unbridled rage, well I felt it too. While I do not have children, I can only imagine the fear in every parent’s heart upon hearing every news source broadcast that the world has just been proven to be that much more dangerous. But every time I have experienced rage, either in my personal life or on the news, it seems to me that it is often misdirected. I’m not saying that the people who decry gun violence are wrong. I’m not a gun lover. No doubt there too many guns in the streets of America, and it is far too easy for an unbalanced killer to acquire them.

Whenever an atrocity of this magnitude erupts, people suddenly want solutions to complicated problems, and there is an angry outcry against the perceived cause. But where there is a will there is a McVeigh. Tim McVeigh killed 168 people and injured about 800 others in Oklahoma with a bomb he made out of readily available ingredients. Should we then outlaw fertilizer? Madmen and deranged zealots will continue to find ways to do great harm if they remain hidden among us. The question I ask is how do we shine a light on them; how do we diffuse these time bombs? When Cho went nuts and killed thirty plus people at Virginia Tech, I said the same thing. You will never remove all the guns in our society, no matter how logical and practical that may seem - it’s about as likely as Al Gore’s hubris-inspired march to reverse the relentless cycle of nature. While it is certainly a worthwhile crusade to make it much harder for the wrong people to own guns, I think a more effective approach would be to figure out a better way to target and disarm the time bombs. If we re-directed half of the money we have so far spent on the embarrassingly ill advised war on drugs and diverted it to mental health care, I’ll wager that many of the above mentioned tragedies might have been averted. It is shameful how badly we have failed the mentally ill in our society. If we took the embarrassing amount of money spent on the most recent U.S presidential elections and opened a few thousand walk-in mental health clinics, if friends and family became a little bit more proactive and responsible for the ticking time bombs in their own families; if we could somehow address and stem the tide of alienation and hopelessness that so many feel, perhaps we could stop at least some of this tragic killing. Remember, it was Ted Kaczynski’s brother who blew the whistle on the infamous Unibomber, finally ending his killing spree.

One of my nephews sent me a text shortly after the Newtown rampage, and in it he said he feared for his little daughter’s future in such a troubled world. Words cannot express how that saddens me. I am saddened that evil exists in the world and that it can shatter the lives of so many families, in Newtown, in Aurora, in Columbine, in Afghanistan, in Congo, in Syria, and in all the other parts of the world where the good and the innocent are preyed upon. I have no answers for the senseless violence that takes place in our world, but I remain hopeful that love is the most powerful weapon in our arsenal. I haven’t learned yet how to live my life without fear, but as I responded to my nephew, demonstrating and accepting love might just keep my fear in check. I told him I loved him and his whole family, and I asked him to hug his little girl for me. This is a battle we must win, and I am still hopeful we will. May you find some solace with your families this holiday season.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12-10-12

Aunt Rose Shumacher, Syd, and Ethel Taylor

This week was a challenging one as we struggled to provide adequate care for my in-laws. At present, we are finally down in Toronto after a crazy week. It is our worst case scenario, the one about which we have been warning Shauna’s parents almost constantly for over a year now. Shauna was too sick to travel, I could not leave her, and now both parents are in the hospital. We came down to Toronto after Shauna’s oral surgery in Barrie, and hopefully, both parents will be released from the hospital soon. I suppose it is unrealistic to hope that old people, so used to living with their independence, will be proactive and cooperative about their health care needs. Regardless of who it is, we often hear the same excuse: “We didn’t want to be a burden on anyone; we don‘t need any help.” It is maddening, but I can’t really imagine what it’s like for them, so I shouldn’t be judgmental. Shauna is rightfully very worried about their well being, and she has been on the phone nonstop for four days trying to coordinate the necessary after care and therapy her dad will need. She is worn out because most of her energy is spent debating the need with her parents. No good deed goes unpunished.

There was some discussion last week on the news about global warming, and CNN, that bastion of liberal hogwash, reported that Republicans are more likely than Democrats to deny that global warming exists. I’d like to know from where they glean their statistics. I do not deny global warming exists, only that mankind is the primary cause. We might be the tipping point, but the global warming argument is a little like saying dinosaurs were responsible for the last ice age. Certainly greenhouse gases contribute and as populations in industrialized countries grow, they will continue to worsen the problem. How about being proactive about how we deal with the changes? Adjust to nature, don’t spend so much time and energy trying to alter it. Don’t build houses 100 yards from the ocean, use light reflecting roofing material; figure out how to more effectively harness solar energy. Only CNN could transform this into a political issue. And leave the Republicans alone, they’ve got enough problems trying to extricate themselves from the Dark Ages without this kind of nonsense. Speaking of the Dark Ages, kudos to bible-thumping Rick Santorum and his pointy headed cronies for scuttling that latest international handicap treaty. Speaking of bad press and climate change, The Weather Channel reported last week (again) that an unusual volume of ice is melting in Greenland, and it was suggested that if the rapid melt persists, Santa might need to find a new headquarters. Of course the goings on at the North Pole are top secret, but my sources tell me that a significant number of elves have drowned in unexpected ice flow disasters. Great, another move offshore. What happens when Santa starts to outsource; I mean, do they even have elves in China? Fun fact: Did you know they EAT reindeer in Finland? Tastes a little like chicken I’m told.



What else … Jazz pianist Dave Brubeck died last week, just short of his 92^nd birthday. Perhaps he didn’t have the “chops” of Tyner or Peterson, but he was a good composer. I have a rare recording of Brubeck playing The Tralfamadore Café in Buffalo back in the mid 80s, which I taped from a radio broadcast. Buffalo sax great Bobby Militello was playing with him in that concert and it is one of my most prized live recordings. As for the economy, I’m told we’re about to do some financial base jumping. Although I don’t really understand the “fiscal cliff” I know one thing. All that political grandstanding to make the other side look bad makes both sides look like children. If you believe the news, the end result will be that these buffoons send the global economy into a tailspin. Big storms in the Philippines (250,000 in shelters) an earthquake in Japan, 500 km north of Tokyo, flooding in Beunos Aires, snow in Brussels and France … and rain in the Great White North. With Georgian Bay a little warmer than normal, we could see some serius lake effect snow over the next few months. Prince William and Kate are expecting, 19 months after they wed. What took them so long? Wasn’t that a horrible story about that nurse who was fooled into believing that a couple of mischievous Australian Djs were royals? While she may have erred in providing the sensitive information, I can’t understand why someone would commit suicide over the mistake. Final ray of sunshine … 43 % of the NHL hockey season has now been scrapped. Ho friggin‘ ho.

Wouldn’t it be weird if Santa were Finnish?

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/3/12

They say when it rains it pours, and that certainly was the case Saturday night. Shauna is very sick right now, suffering from an abscessed wisdom tooth which has become a serious infection. For any of you out there who have experienced this kind of dental pain, you know it can be excruciating. She is presently on an antibiotic and hopefully, when the infection abates, we will see an oral surgeon next week to have the tooth extracted.

When we called her parents in Toronto over the weekend, as we do every day to check in on them, we discovered that there had been a serious medical emergency. Of course, had we not called they would not have told us, because “We didn’t want to upset Shauna.” Shauna is not well enough to travel and I can’t leave her alone right now. Nevertheless I or both of us may be forced to go down soon, if the situation does not improve. We managed to arrange for an ambulance, and some assistance for my mother-in-law from some wonderful out-of-town cousins, and now my father-in-law is in the hospital receiving (we hope) proper medical care. He would still be at home had we not called!

Once again it starts, and my biggest concern is their almost complete lack of common sense about their health care and safety. The same thing happened with my parents; one minute they seemed to be doing all right and almost overnight, all common sense went out the window and everything changed. Once again comes the stubborn refusal to listen to reason, once again comes the remote lobbying for necessary healthcare, the negotiations, the worry and tough decisions about “the right thing to do.” Albeit in their late 80’s two competent adults living in their own home cannot be compelled to do anything against their wishes, and the process of negotiating and arguing is both exhausting and frustrating.

Final whine before I sign off on this abbreviated report ….

Now that it is officially December and the countdown has begun until joy comes raining down on all of mankind like little packets of 100 dollar bills (for one day), it is time once again that I, the anti-Santa, remind my readers, with my usual self-righteous bluster and indignation, that goodwill is not seasonal. Be thankful if your family is safe and healthy, and try not to have a conniption fit if the reindeer cookies get burned or because Walmart sells out of Crack Whore Barbies.

Hope to be back next week …

Jamie