The other night, we were watching TV and we saw the most bizarre ad I
have seen since the “Flobee” vacuum haircutter. Say you’re out at your favorite
fast food restaurant, and you’re just about to finish gorging yourself on that three
decker Gazunga Burger. As you hoover that last, giant mouthful of
antibiotic-riddled beef, covered in mayonnaise and Wonderbread, in your feeding
frenzy, suddenly, you aspirate a giant piece of grizzle and begin to choke. The
only other guy in the restaurant is the clueless twenty-something at the
counter, busy texting his girlfriend about his latest Pokeman adventure, and he
doesn’t even notice your loud gagging noises. Thank goodness you brought your
DeChoker! Forget the Heimlich Maneuver, there is now a personal accessory one
can carry around for those lonely choking episodes, and it’s small enough to
fit in a medium-sized suitcase. Some marketing genius has figured out that,
along with the epidemic of gluttony and morbid obesity in our society, there is
an opportunity to capitalize on the increasing number of choking episodes. This
DeChoker looks a little like those penis enlargement devices that mysteriously pop
up (no pun intended) in my email from time to time. Perhaps sales were down on
the enlargers, and with a few minor tweaks, voila … penis enlarger = dechoker.
The Rio Olympics began last week and, as always, there were glitches.
There were reports of people not being able to attend scheduled events, because
they were tied up in long lines and security, and of course there were the
ongoing fears about the zika virus, dirty water, and crime. I suspect that this
Olympics will be like most of the rest; wildly over-budget and peppered with
scandal. Frankly I don’t know why the world doesn’t just agree to hold it in
one place every year (say the Antarctic), and save the gazillions spent on
infrastructure. Last night, we watched the Canadian beach volleyball team lose
to Latvia in a nail-biter, and we also caught (Canadian) sixteen year-old Penny
Oleksiak swim to silver in the 100 metre butterfly competition (her 2nd
medal in 24 hours). We’ve watched some of the women’s rugby competition, a few of the diving competitions, and also some of the gymnastics. As always, I
become an armchair judge during the Olympics, and it’s always entertaining to
see if the real judges agree with me.
Has anyone else seen the Cadbury chocolate commercial that has been
running with the coverage of the Rio Olympics – the one with the animated, Smurf-like
space creatures? Who decided that this was the way to sell chocolate? They
remind me of that creepy, animated, gyrating internet baby from the 90s, remember
that thing? I don’t know exactly when this happened, but I suddenly find myself
residing in the land of fuddy duddies. Pop culture has taken an end run around
me and I feel completely lost and in the dark. In the blink of an eye I fell
into the adult diaper demographic and, as the world revolves around me
searching for Pokeman targets to destroy, I stare at my uncooperative computer
trying to figure out why I can’t open music files. Seriously, I feel like a fool,
and I spend an inordinate amount of my time trying to figure out the latest new
technological “advances”.
Last weekend, Hunters Bay Radio held their second annual Radio-thon
fundraiser. Shauna and I were in attendance both days, and there were a lot of
local musicians performing live on air. Although we only held the Radio-thon
for two days this year – last year it was on for three days – we raised more
money in those two days than we did the previous year in the same amount of
time. Hunters Bay Radio is a not-for-profit enterprise, and we rely heavily on
public funding and private donations from our listeners. Nobody likes
fundraisers, least of all me. I remember how I used to loathe the people
begging for bucks at Buffalo’s PBS television station. I imagine some of our
listeners feel the same way about these Radio-thons. Nevertheless, the bills don’t pay themselves,
and funds raised go towards improving and maintaining our aging equipment.
Right now we need an emergency backup generator to keep the station up and
running during power outages. My thanks to all the volunteers and employees at
HBR for their selfless efforts to keep this station running. I think Hunter’s
Bay Radio is a very cool little radio station, and I’m glad we’re a part of it.
Our ambition – and Shauna is the one who helps the most in this department – is
to get the word out that this is an artist-friendly radio station, reminiscent
of a time when music and talk radio were held in higher regard. We all need
goals!
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer
c2016 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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