The Oppenheimer Report - 6/9/14

With reference to our recent road trip to Connecticut for my 40^th reunion, I forgot to mention that we had a hotel adventure. We were booked into the hotel where the majority of my classmates were staying in Southbury, Conn. There was a block of rooms set aside for Taft reunion attendees and, as we had Jasper in tow, we booked a “pet friendly” room. We did not arrive at the hotel until around 2AM, and when I picked up the key to our room, I realized that there was no way to get to that room without using stairs. With Jasper we had a lot of stuff to unpack from the car, and now we could not use a cart to transport it to our room. Strike one. The room was a dump, but at 2AM, I figured I would take it up with management later. Particularly troubling was the water damaged ceiling in the bathroom. Strike two. When we woke up, I drove in to town to pick up some supplies at the supermarket, and while I was gone, the next door neighbors from hell started screaming at each other and woke Shauna up. With their two completely undisciplined, screaming children and two yappy dogs (who made Jasper look like an angel, which she is not), this was turning into a rather abominable experience. Strike three. Shauna and I actually began to laugh because it was becoming so ridiculous. We reasoned we would be out of the room for much of the stay, and thought that we could live with the hassles. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was that, while Shauna was getting ready to go out, someone in the room directly above us decided to take a shower, and when they did, water began pouring down on poor Shauna as she sat on the throne. That was the deal breaker. We called the front desk, who sent over what I can only assume was a mentally challenged maintenance man to assess the situation. I presumed that, after he surveyed the damage, we would be moved into a more suitable room. Instead, the maintenance man came back with some plastic sheeting and duct tape to divert the water away from the toilet. Not exactly what we had in mind! I calmly went to the manager and explained all that had transpired, perhaps intimating that I was one of those undisclosed internet hotel critics. Ultimately, we were moved to a much nicer section of the hotel, overlooking a lovely river and with no noisy neighbors, and the room was free of charge. Shauna was happy, Jasper was happy, but I would have gladly paid for the acceptable room I’d booked in the first place.

The yin and the yang of summer. I love warm weather, but now that it's tee shirt season, up here in the Great White North it is also biting insect season. Actually, May through October is bug season up here, but beginning a couple weeks ago, the starting gun went off for black flies and mosquitos. During the spring and summer in Canada these insects are omnipresent, and their presence is both loathed and celebrated. Somewhere I believe near Ignace in Western Ontario there used to be a large statue erected of a man being carried away by a giant mosquito. I don’t think there is any repellant that really works for the black flies, which are tiny little creatures, but which leave one helluvah an annoying welt when they bite. Mesh bug suits are somewhat effective, and at this time of year I wear a mesh cover over my head at dusk and dawn. Thankfully, black fly season is relatively short and that plague usually abates by July when the weather gets hot. Mosquitos, on the other hand, are always here when the weather warms up. We have larvicide for our retention pond and rain barrels, vitamin B patches as an alternative to poisonous DEET spray, a propane-fired mosquito “vacuum” which may or may not work,  a battery-powered clip on OFF bug repellant diffuser (which we find is also fairly effective), citronella candles, bug zappers, flame throwers … we’ve got it all, and I am still being eaten alive. This year the general consensus is that the mosquitos are worse than usual. I bought a bug book and I am learning all about them. There are some decent home remedies for the bites. Surprisingly, hand sanitizer works pretty well. Ammonia mixed with rubbing alcohol also seems to help, and is a lot cheaper than “After Bite”. My favorite mosquito weapon is those electric bug zapper racquets. Very satisfying. The other day there were a bunch of the bastards in my car when I left for town, and I almost drove into a tree because I was so distracted zapping them. You hear about not using your cell phone in a car, but I might be the first person to get in trouble for using a bug zapper.

Speaking of annoying insects, later this week Ontario elects a new Premier. Will it be the status quo?

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED