The Oppenheimer Report 11/26/12

　

I hope all of my friends south of the border enjoyed their Thanksgiving celebrations last Thursday. Early last week I awoke to a strange sound outside, and when I looked out the window, I saw 16 wild turkeys walking around on our lawn. The photograph from last week’s report caught a small group of them. Sometimes I’ll see the odd one or two running across the road, but never so many in one place. Maybe it was a message from my mom and dad. I really miss them when the American Thanksgiving rolls around. So many golden memories! Nothing stays the same, but after so many great celebrations in Buffalo, that holiday has taught me some important lessons. For one thing, giant hot air-filled balloons parading down the street never get old. The important lesson I have learned is to be thankful, and I make an effort to show some genuine form of thanks every day. Thank you Shauna, for being such a loving and tireless soul mate. Thank you to friends and family, who enrich my life by making it so much more interesting than it otherwise would be. And of course, thank you mom and dad, for teaching me humor and love, and for providing me with the tools to cope with life’s challenges.

Did you happen to hear that there is a new documentary coming out on the Investigation Discovery channel, suggesting that a serial killer named Glen Rogers and not O.J. Simpson killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman back in 1994? Rogers, who is on death row in for killing five other women, has confessed to the bloody crimes. He claims O.J. hired him to steal some jewelry from Nicole and that Simpson was nearby when the murders took place. This would explain why there is physical evidence of Simpson’s presence on the crime scene. Rogers and his brother Carl, who is the focus of the documentary, may have an ulterior motive here: if the case is re-opened, Glen could get a temporary stay of execution in order to re-open the California murder investigation. Hard to believe a guy named Mr. Rogers is a serial killer.

In my distracted, attention deficit disorder-driven ritual of channel surfing the other night, I turned to CNN long enough to hear the ever insightful Dr. Phil offering his advice on child discipline. I’m not exactly sure why, but I simply can’t stand Dr. Phil. He might be an effective therapist, but his whiny, plaintive southern drawl, and his omnipresence on television just rubs me the wrong way. I had to laugh when I heard his following pearls of wisdom (and I paraphrase): “How many times do you have to tell your child not to set the cat on fire before he or she stops doing it; you have to be consistent in your discipline, every time this happens.” My immediate reaction to this sage advice was, if your child sets the cat on fire more than once, either that cat is made of asbestos or that is otherwise one tough kitty.Nine lives my ass.  I know I did some pretty weird stuff when I was a kid, I even remember a few bouts of pyromania, but I don’t recall ever setting the family pet on fire. As for parenting skills, my parents would not have let that happen more than once. In our household at least, pets were much higher up on the food chain than children, and any attempt to harm an animal would likely have resulted in my castration.

The starting gun has officially fired ushering in a month of retail madness, so whip out that plastic and buy. On one of those “making a difference” segments on the news the other night I watched a story about some teacher of preschoolers, who tried an experiment. He took away all the toys in his kindergarten class and replaced them with cardboard boxes. His idea was to inspire the children to use their imaginations and to create a plaything out of the boxes. Kids came up with fortresses, and pirate ships, and all sorts of creative things, and surprisingly didn’t seem to miss their conventional toys. At a time when most people are struggling financially, perhaps this is an important lesson to impart.

Final notes. Actor Larry Hagman, A/K/A JR Ewing died last week. He was 81. I remember him from I Dream of Jeannie. That Jeannie was hot. Yesterday marked the 100^th Anniversary the Grey Cup, Canada’s answer to the Superbowl. Toronto hosted the event this year and the Toronto Argonauts prevailed over the Calgary Stampeders 35-22. I’m sure there are some hung over Toronto fans this morning, because last night the city went nuts. With no Leafs to watch, and no other major league winners, of course the fans are going to seize this opportunity to celebrate. Any port in a storm.

Sweetie, how many times have I told you not to light Mr. Jingles on fire; if you continue this bad behavior I will have no choice but to take away your cell phone for a week. Now tell Mr. Jingles you’re sorry and paste this fake fur back on him.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED