The Oppenheimer Report - 2/8/16

I grew up enjoying Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. To this day, if I am channel surfing and come upon an episode dealing with the adventures of Moose and Squirrel, I will stop and watch it. For most of my life, I assumed that all flying squirrels wore WW1 flying goggles, were intelligent, cool, and kind of cute. l adored all the characters from Frostbite Falls and have, up until recently, lived in my little fantasy world. Eventually, reality kicks us all in the butt.

One reality hit me like a brick: real flying squirrels are anything BUT cute. They are creepy, bat-like little rodents, with bug-eyes, and they can also fit through a hole about the size of a quarter. They are in fact uber-pests, and for much of 2014, we had the little bastards scampering around inside our bedroom roof. At one point, I believe I saw a couple of them moving furniture in. I’m a peaceful man, but the deal breaker for me was Shauna and I saw two of them fornicating on the porch roof outside our bedroom turret window. The screwee was looking at me defiantly, as if to say, “Yeah? What are YOU going to do about it !?!” After reading that flying squirrels have a very short gestation period, I got nervous and decided it was time to take the squirrel by the nuts, so to speak.

First, we called in a squirrel expert to assess our situation, and after several hours of ladder work and poking around, he came back to us with a price to rid ourselves of the problem. He wanted what seemed to me to be an enormous amount of money, and I suspect he did not really want the job. We gave him his assessment fee and sent him on his way. He did give us some helpful suggestions which ended up being of use. I will not bore you with the gory details - I believe that was covered in a report written around the time of the infestation - but let it suffice to say that, for the moment, we are squirrel free. The other night, I saw one scampering around on our second floor window ledge, and that is not good news. I think he was casing the joint. After the last invasion, we sealed up any holes we could find in our roof and eaves, but as I said, it doesn’t take a very big hole. Jasper is a decidedly noisy watchdog, as long as the threat is outside. Once the critter is inside, her courage wanes. Those little buggers are difficult to catch, and in the year during which we had the invasion, several actually got into our house. If you ever see them in motion, flying squirrels move very fast, and can jump from a tree to the ground and back up another tree in a matter of seconds. Jasper earned her keep by catching one under our dining room table (my friend Bob calls her “Redbeard” now), and I got the other two using a butterfly net. I’m not sure if they’ve penetrated the roof again, but clearly they are back, and this time, it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy. I am once again amassing my arsenal for Squirrel War Two. I have my ACME squirrel flame thrower, so bring it on you bug-eyed bastards. I have great respect for Mother Nature and do my best to leave what is outside as it is. Once something enters my castle, all bets are off.

I’m glad Trump lost in Iowa. Welcome to politics, you pompous twit. I think Ted Cruz is creepy, I mean flying squirrel creepy. He’s like one of those stars featured on Where Are They Now? Eddy Munster is now running for president. The Denver Broncos defeated The Carolina Jaguars 24-10 in Superbowl 50. Woo hoo. Peyton Manning can retire a happy man.

 

Attention all flying squirrels. You can run but you cannot hide.

-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2016 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED