The Oppenheimer Report - 4/23/12

Last week we called in a professional consultant for our squirrel problem. I was not aware that there were squirrel consultants, but apparently they exist. This gentleman confirmed our worst fears about the size of the problem and the difficulty in eradicating it. The issues are twofold. One, we must ensure all the little bastards are out of the roof before we seal, and two, we must figure out how to seal up some of the more inaccessible access points. One crevice in particular we will need a Houdini to fit into. To complicate matters, we have three kinds of rodents: black squirrels, flying squirrels, and possibly (likely) bats. The fact that two of these are nocturnal is not helpful. I am quite sure I heard some wing fwapping noises in there amongst the other unnatural sounds. Now that we’ve actually seen the flying squirrels screwing, and noting that the gestation period for these rodents is rather short, and further having been informed that mommy squirrels will chew through metal to get to their litter once pups are born, this is looking like a bigger problem than originally anticipated. Our squirrel consultant was less than enthusiastic about taking our job and I think he quoted high for his service. We must devise our plan of attack. Any way we slice it, it will be expensive. I’m inclined to go with flame throwers, and the RPGs, but automatic weapons may be called for as well. Thank goodness neither the Burk’s Falls Fire Dept. nor the Humane Society reads this blog. By the way, as I suspected, it is somewhat illegal to kill squirrels. The red ones are apparently used as fur liners. Not exactly top of the line fur, more of your Wal-Mart fur, but subject to regulations nonetheless.

Norwegian nut job Anders Breivik, accused of killing 77 people, 69 of them by hunting them down and shooting them, is claiming self defense. Apparently he is not a fan of multi-culturalism and feels threatened by the infusion of Islamic influence in his country. He wants to be declared sane, because he feels his message will be de-legitimized if he is deemed incompetent. He said we need to differentiate between political extremism and insanity. Kind of a grey area if you ask me. If convicted, Breivik faces Norway’s harshest sentence; a year in jail and no TV for a month.

Da French are presently in the middle of a presidential election and incumbent Nicholas Sarkozy faces some formidable opposition from socialist candidate Francois Hollande. It would be the first commie in a while for France. The first round has Hollande leading by a small margin, and now the two candidates will face each other in a bug-eating contest and a sing off, after which there will be a final vote on May 6^th. Text your vote.  Hollande wouldn’t have even been a contender had his predecessor, that hound dog Dominic Strauss Kahn kept his pants on.

It’s snowing up here in the Great White North as I finish this report, and the timing is perfect. I just put the dock down and both Shauna and I just had the winter tires taken off our cars. Do you think we’ve jumped the gun on Spring?

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED