The Oppenheimer Report - 9/6/10

The other day, as I was watching the attention deficit disorder news channel, a byline flashed across the screen which read something like: “ Randomized placebo tests indicate that marijuana is an effective pain reliever.” No kidding, I could have told you that. I’d like to thank Nancy Reagan and all the other boneheads from the religious right responsible for making marijuana the big bad wolf in the war against drugs. If I had a nickel for every ignoramus who buys into the “gateway drug” argument, I’d be able to buy me an influential congressman. Why not expend our limited crime fighting resources on the heroin and cocaine trade and hand out parking tickets for pot? In my opinion, smoking pot falls somewhere between spitting on the sidewalk and stealing a pack of gum on the crime spectrum. While I’m not much of a pothead anymore (it‘s the smoking part that bothers me), I am surprised that marijuana has not yet been legalized. I’ve always had a much bigger problem with alcohol abusers than potheads. Seriously, how many violent, aggressive potheads do you know? They may be forgetful, hungry, perhaps a little “out there,” but hardly a danger to themselves and others. Then there are medicinal benefits. Years ago, a co-worker of mine in Buffalo had a father who was dying of pancreatic cancer. As you probably know, that is one of the most painful cancers one can suffer, and this co-worker was at his wits end trying to find some relief for his dad. As a last resort, he asked me if I could get him some pot and, scofflaw-fraternizer-with-the-foul-underbelly-of-society that I was at the time, I got him some weed. About two days after I gave it to him, he came to me and thanked me profusely, saying his father was able to take his meds without experiencing the usual nausea, that his almost non-existent appetite had improved, and most important, smoking pot seemed to provide him with some pain relief. I think that governments should do what they do best and suck every tax dollar they can extract out of the production and control of marijuana, and leave the decision about whether or not to use the drug up to the allegedly free adult individual. Of course I don’t condone its use by kids (I was about 14 when I first tried it), but the fact is, some kids will smoke pot, just as some kids will drink. As for the health concerns, clearly marijuana has its health risks, but they pale by comparison to the deleterious effects of most of the other mind-altering drugs of choice (which are, ironically, easier to procure on the streets than pot). And while we’re on the subject of attitude adjustment, here are two other interesting stories which made print last week …




The Buffalo News ran a story last week which said that, according to a Forbes Magazine survey, Buffalo was listed as one of the top tailgating cities in the U.S.. As a diehard Buffalonian, I can attest to the fact that Bills fans are serious about their tailgate parties, and I attribute that to two things. First, Buffalo is a big drinking town anyway; it probably has more bars per capita, or at least it did when I lived there, than most other major cities in the U.S. . Secondly, the Bills have consistently sucked for the majority of their NFL career, and when loyal season’s ticket holders head out to Rich Stadium on a blustery October morning, it’s not so hard to understand that many of them choose to be anesthetized by kickoff time. I have only attended a few Bills games in my life, because I am not a (an American) football fan, but I have seen some legendary tailgate spreads at Rich Stadium. Apparently, there is one section of the Rich Stadium parking lot which is command central for the serious tailgaters. I personally know of one guy who routinely gave away gallons of rum each week in blender drinks. He had a special blender called a “Daiquiri Whacker”, driven by -- I kid you not -- a gas-powered weed whacker engine, complete with pistol grip throttle! Google it if you don’t believe the product exists. Other people bring gas grills, elaborate music systems, professional dancers ( o.k. I’m kidding about the dancers). I was rather proud to hear of Buffalo’s high ranking in the tailgate department.



The second story, gleaned from www.time.com last week, finds that heavy drinkers outlive non drinkers, and I find this hysterically funny. So much for abstinence! I’ve always secretly believed this might be true, and it probably explains why Buffalo has so many ambulating nonagenarians … perhaps it’s the booze. My dad always had a belt or two of whiskey before dinner, and he was like the Energizer Bunny up until the very end. I think it all boils down to achieving some kind of balance in your life. You can be sin-free on the surface, but if there are demons in the sub-conscious, fugetabotit. Booze is such an overt sin; no skeletons in the closet or secrets there.



As I sign off, the extreme heat and the humidity of the past week have given way to high winds and much colder temperatures. Having danced up the East Coast, Hurricane Earl, which started out as a Category 4, lost most of its punch and just soaked the Maritime Provinces as a tropical storm. As the mercury hovers around 52 degrees F. and the winds are howling, it occurs to me that this is perfect tailgate weather. Party on Garth … but remember, stay away from that evil weed. Drugs are dangerous, don’t be a dope.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED