Barbie - The OppenheimerReport - 9/14/96

The OppenheimerReport - 9/14/96
The other night, I was surfing the tube, looking for something to watch for half an hour that wasn’t completely depressing, and I was rewarded with a documentary on Barbie ... the doll, that is. Of course I had to watch.

Forget that Saddam Hussein is very close to provoking a war with the United States, forget about the increasing use of heroin among young American adults, as reported by Dan Rather ... we have some really important news here. Barbie has big boobs ... and Ken is a rich, apathetic twit without a pecker.

When I first started watching this program, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Admittedly, I came in about a third of the way through the show, but I think I caught the drift. Basically, it was a commentary by several so-called Barbie experts about what Barbie has “done” through the ages; what she was feeling, whether sex was on her mind (tough call, because Ken doesn’t have any genitalia), and who she “became” as time went on. Is she a gum-chewing, licentious, conniving (albeit well-dressed) she-devil, or a sensitive, intelligent wonder woman, preoccupied with helping others? Does she get depressed? People were actually discussing these “issues” with a straight face.

They even went so far as to cover interviews with women who sought to be Barbie. That was frightening ... that they have Barbie look alike contests ... with real women choosing to compete in them! I recalled seeing a show about some woman who had multiple plastic surgeries in order to make herself look like Barbie. I don’t know how any of my readers feel about this, but I think what we have here are some people with way, way too much time on their hands. Surely, Barbie has provided hours of fun and entertainment for her billions of adoring, young (and old) fans. Still, at the end of the day, is not Barbie a plastic doll, with detachable limbs, painted eyes, and synthetic hair punched neatly into her empty plastic head? I don’t get it. Does Barbie worry about world peace? I think not. Is she an insult to the feminist movement in America and abroad, because she represents everything that is shallow and superficial about women? I haven’t given it much thought, but what kind of person would? Does she “do” Ken? My goodness, is NOTHING sacred? Besides, I always thought Barbie was saving herself for marriage.
There are all sorts of Barbie Dolls, and Barbie has changed over the years to reflect the times. I have a few suggestions for Barbies that I think would typify these turbulent 90's ...

Since everyone is so serious about attaching real feelings and emotions to this doll, how about ... “Pregnant Teen Barbie”, “Crack Whore Barbie”, “Single Mother on Welfare with Six Kids Barbie”, “Dominatrix Barbie”, “Wasted Rock Star on Heroin Carrying the Ashes of Her Dead Husband Around in a Backpack Barbie” ... you get the idea.

At one point during this programming gem, it was suggested that Barbie might one day be responsible for world peace, and I do think this is possible ... in fact, I have a suggestion. Why don’t they paint Barbie onto all the missiles they’re about to lob at Saddam and his unfortunate countrymen. Then she can make her small contribution to world peace ... but Mother Teresa she will never be.

-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c1996 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED