The Oppenheimer Report 1/27/14

I never thought the day would come, but I finally went out and ordered a block heater for my car. Up here in the Great White North we have experienced the business end of that polar vortex which has enveloped the rest of the Northeast, and for this past week, the mercury sank to below -20 F almost every night. That is nose hair-freezing cold. Last Tuesday morning, I was supposed to drive to a nearby recording studio in Emsdale to finish a couple of songs I’d begun recording, and the outdoor thermometer read -27F.  I stuck the key in the ignition of my car, tried turning the engine over, and it sounded like the pistons were in mud. After three or four attempts, I realized that this engine was going to need a little help, so I pulled out my portable rechargeable battery pack, a handy thing to have for boat or car, and reached down to pop the hood. Not so quick. The hood was frozen shut! There was probably a little moisture on the cable that releases the hood latch, and that would not budge. Dead in the water, I called the guy at the studio and cancelled, which was disappointing. About three hours later in the day, in the noonday sun, after hitting the cable with a hair dryer, I finally got the hood open and managed to get the engine started. In all my years leaving my car outside in Buffalo winters, and my five years living up here, I have never before needed a block heater; but as soon as I got the car started, I drove over to the local auto shop and ordered one. When you see a plug sticking out the front of a car grill, it is likely for a block heater, and they are quite commonplace up here in the Great White North. I might need it once every two or three winters, but when I need it, I really need it. By the time I get it installed tomorrow, this polar blast might be over, but at least I’ll avoid this aggravation the next time.  

Just when we thought it could not get any worse for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, yet another video surfaced last week of a drunken, slurring Ford in a fast food restaurant, ranting on about something with a terrible Jamaican accent. Someone emailed me the above photograph after the incident. No crackhead no cry. Funny, because a few days before the video surfaced, I had prematurely suggested that Ford was beginning to look like he had cleaned up his act. He appeared to be a little thinner, he was speaking in complete sentences; he looked pretty good. But now, he hasn’t just fallen off the wagon, he’s jumped head first into the empty pool. When the press grilled him about his latest offensive public behavior, he used the old “what-I-do-on-my-own-time -with- friends-is-my-business” line. Yo,Your Honourless, if you are going to misbehave, do it in private, which means not in a fast food restaurant, and tell your “friends” not to videotape you on their cell phones! It may be true that the press has it out for Ford, but goodness knows he’s made it easy! In what universe did he assume it was O.K. to screw up in public, yet again? This isn’t Mayberry; you don’t just sleep it off in jail and let yourself out in the next morning (cryptic reference to my man Otis). One might even get away with this nonsense in some rustbelt city, but you are the mayor of a major international city, WAKE UP!!!Up until now, and given the incredible ability of constituencies to forgive the bad behavior of their elected officials, I would have predicted that a clean and sober Rob Ford, rising from his own ashes, might have had a chance at re-election. Again, look at former D.C. mayor Marion Barry. But I am fairly sure this latest faux pas, picked up by every major news source and every late night talk show host in the world, will be the nail in the coffin for SpongeRob Tentpants. The good news, if there is any, is that for all the people out there with drinking problems, Ford is a poster child for just how glaringly obvious your problem is, to everyone but you.

Speaking of bad behavior, Justin the Biebster finally crossed the line as well. That DUI in Miami could be an expensive mistake for the Prince of Pop. Nice mug shot by the way, almost as good as Nick Nolte’s. We all love it when celebrities misbehave, don’t we? While the young pop star did apparently pass the Breathalyzer test, he then admitted to smoking some weed and taking some prescription drugs. He also used the “F” word more than once in the presence of a police officer. What a badass motherfudger. Thank goodness I wasn’t famous when I was a teenager; I think I would have been a train wreck in the public eye. One part of me is sympathetic to this kid who is getting eaten alive by the press, and one side of me thinks he might deserve it if he’s acting like a little dickhead. Not every celebrity mishandles fame, but history reminds us over and over that fame can be corrosive. Winky needs to start listening to his publicist, or else step out of the spotlight for awhile. Speaking of fame, I will be interviewed on an internet radio station called Hunter’s Bay Radio  (http://www. muskokaonline.com) this Wednesday between 11:00AM and Noon. The show is called “Talent on the Bay”, and I will be playing a few of my songs during the interview. If you’re near a computer, it might be amusing to listen to me choke in public. Needless to say, I’m nervous, but excited.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED