The Oppenheimer Report - 7/26/10

Last weekend, while I was down in Buffalo, I took a ride to Darien Lake Amusement Park with my pal Bob to pick up his daughter who was attending a Goo Goo Dolls concert there. Switchfoot was the backup band; I’m told they’re "awesome". When we arrived the Goos hadn’t even taken the stage yet, so we had some time to kill. We probably could have bought last minute tickets to the concert, but both Bob and I had seen enough of the Goo Goo Dolls in their Buffalo bar band days. While I applaud their international success, and in fact the success of any Buffalo band that makes it, I didn’t feel like paying the rather hefty fee to see them play on a big stage. I have to save my money in case Wayne Newton comes to town. Instead, Bob and I went to the amusement park, managed to convince them to let us in for free because it was so close to closing time, and took a ride on the park’s tallest roller coaster, “The Ride of Steel”. I have not been on a roller coaster ride since Crystal Beach closed near our summer place on Lake Erie. That was perhaps 20 years ago. I remember many a ride on the legendary Comet when I was a boy. When Crystal Beach closed the Comet was disassembled and sent East to a park on Lake George. I think the reason I loved the Comet so much was that it was a rickety old roller coaster. Because one was never really strapped in very well, there was a palpable sense of danger every time one rode it. I never got a ride on the older and even ricketier predecessor to the Comet, “The Cyclone”, but I understand that coaster was really scary. There’s a photo of it in one of the older bars in the South Ward of Buffalo, and it LOOKS scary. By comparison, the newer coasters are much more secure and they really lock the passengers into their seats. Anyhow, I was a little apprehensive about riding this Darien Lake coaster. I hadn’t been on a coaster in two decades and this one has a bigger first drop than the Comet had. We waited what seemed like an awfully long time for our ride, partly because they were only running one set of cars. When we were finally one ride away, some overweight man delayed everyone while he tried unsuccessfully to buckle himself in. That took about five minutes and it must have been very embarrassing for the man. The anticipation was eating me alive. When we finally got on the ride, and were climbing the first hill, I started to get a little more nervous and, to enhance that feeling, there were several  flashes of bolt lightening in the distance. The first drop was amazing, and the rest was a blur. Before I knew it, the ride was over. The above photo is one of those digital photos you can buy when you come off the ride. Because this was my first roller coaster ride in 20 years, I bought the photo. You will note that I am wearing my vintage, 1970’s Buffalo Sabres tee shirt. Look at the two guys in front of us.



Looks like the Gulf states dodged a bullet and Bonnie was not as bad as some thought she’d be. Still, any bad weather means a delay in the cleanup efforts, and the longer they wait the more likely that cap is to let go. How about those city officials in Bell California? In a city of 40,000 residents, the city manager was making something like $787,000 and the chief of police drew a salary of $480,000 … more than the head of the LAPD makes. What a bunch of crooks! Think of the pensions those people will draw. With the jobless rate at an all time high, how could these people possibly justify such high pay. Shame on the council members of Bell who would have o.k’d those salaries. A while back there was a big debate in our community of Armour Township, Ontario because the local taxpayers thought our town officials were making too much. I think our supervisor was making about $8000. I wonder how many other municipalities in California are so overpaying their people. Spaniard Alberto Contador won this year’s Tour de France. In what might be his last race, American Lance Armstrong crashed twice and was not even a contender. Lots of crazy weather. We had a couple of tornadoes here in Western N.Y. and in Chicago I heard they had 6-7 inches of rain in a very short period of time, flooding basements everywhere and severely overtaxing the city storm drains. And finally, the Plastika, a 60 foot catamaran sailboat made out of 12,500 plastic bottles is about to finish it’s 8000+ mile voyage around the world. How‘s that for a creative way to recycle?
 
 
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report -7/19/10

I begin this week’s report with a discussion about the use of profanity in comedy, and I expect it will be a real page turner. The fact that this report is only one page long might be a problem. Sometimes I like to watch a cable show called “Penn and Teller: Bullsh#t”, and you may have seen the show, or perhaps you’ve seen their comedic magic act. Penn is the big outspoken guy and Teller is the ever silent little guy, sort of a latter day Harpo Marx. The “Bullsh#t” show is essentially Penn humorously debunking various myths, beliefs, ideologies, etc. on every subject from teen sex to UFO’s, and I think his rant is very entertaining. The problem is, Penn tends to be extremely profane, and I imagine that turns a lot of people off the show. I caught a roundtable discussion of comedians in which Penn was a participant, and he said he gets a lot of hate mail about the show. He said that he’d be perfectly willing to read it if any of the plaintiffs had actually watched the show. People pass judgment on the profanity and then fail to recognize that there is a smart, funny show at the core. Tom Smothers of the Smothers Brothers was one of the other comedians in the roundtable, and it was surprising to listen to him swearing, A LOT. There are a lot of really funny comedians who employ profanity in their act, Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor come to mind, but somehow, hearing Tom Smothers swear is unnatural. It’s a little like Mr. Rogers starring in a porn flick. I guess I’m just as bad as the people complaining about Penn, because I’m letting my pre-existing impressions of Smothers affect my judgment about him. Profanity is creative choice, but it’s a tricky decision in comedy. When it works it really works, but when it doesn’t, it can really turn the audience off. I think Chris Rock is hilarious, and he’s frequently profane in his act. Pryor used profanity to give him that angry edge that made him so funny. I watched a Robin Williams special the other night, post heart surgery, and he was uncharacteristically profane. He’s always sworn in his act, but for some reason, in this special he was uncharacteristically profane, and nowhere near as funny to me. I think Williams is one of the most spontaneous, hilarious comedians on the planet, but the swearing  threw me off. By the way, it’s not as if I don’t swear a lot, I do. Another guy I can’t imagine relying on profanity in his act is Jerry Seinfeld. Anyhow, maybe I’m becoming a “prude”. F-ck it.


In the news, apparently BP has finally capped the 84+ day old oil spew in the Gulf, and now the big question is, will it hold? The pressure on the cap is enormous (well over 6000 PSI) and there is concern that it might rupture at some other less accessible point before the relief wells can be dug. I wonder, how could there be a less accessible point? This excavation goes down something like 17,000 feet below sea level. The fact that methane has been detected near the location of the rupture can’t be a good sign. I see that our illustrious Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has committed $7.5 Billion in American financial aid to Pakistan over next five years. Of course none of that money is not to be used for military purposes, but presumably it is to buy Pakistan’s acceptance of a U.S. presence in their country. Who do they think they are, General Motors? For that kind of money, you’d think they could throw us a bone, perhaps one belonging to Bin Bombin’. And speaking of Islam, did I understand correctly, they’re going to build an Islamic centre/ mosque blocks away from the site of Ground Zero in NYC? In a perfect world perhaps that wouldn’t be a problem, and I am aware of the fact that the overwhelming majority of Muslims are non-radical, peaceful, law-abiding citizens. Nevertheless, in light of the raw emotion associated with the World Trade Centre tragedy, that development just seems like a bad idea. President Obama just announced that he may be extending unemployment insurance benefits because so many Americans still haven‘t been able to find gainful employment. I wonder how Wall Street is doing … and how’s that almost trillion dollar bailout working for you? Spoiled actress Lindsey Lohan is going to the “big house” for a little Hollywood time out. Ninety days (she’ll probably only do 20) … big deal. Relax Lindsey, all the celebrity brats are doing it. As for her protestations that the judge who sentenced her was unfair, get real girl. Ask Sammy Davis Jr. about what’s fair; he was a Black Jew in the music industry, back in the 1950’s, and you never heard him complain. Book her Danno. Hey Linds, do your time and keep your nose clean you little twit. Finally, in the “I-can’t-believe-yet-another-professional-athlete-is-being-overpaid” department, NHL hockey star Ilya Kovalchuk just signed a 17-year contract to play for the NJ Devils. His salary … $102 Million. Beats breaking rocks een old country, eh? I wonder how much Bobby Orr got paid.

Come to think of it, I’m seeing a growing justification for the use of profanity in our society; there do seem to be an increasing number of a**holes out there!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 7/14/10

To my twelve loyal readers, sorry once again that the report is late this week…


Still down in Toronto helping my mother and father-in-law clean out Rose’s apartment. Rose was Ethel’s last remaining sister, and I couldn’t see letting her face that trial without some help. It is very strange cleaning out the apartment where a 94 year old woman lived for the last forty years. I’m finding jars of antiseptic and cleaning products from the 1950’s as well as a lot of interesting memorabilia. Ninety-four years is a long time to collect stuff. For Shauna and Ethel, every picture and scrap of paper is a priceless memento, and so cleaning the place out is a very slow process. As expected, there is a dispute over the estate, and the greedy nephew by whom Rose felt so betrayed is scrambling around now trying to figure out how he can abscond with more than he is entitled. He isn’t interested in mementos; he’s got his eye on “the prize”. That is the furthest thing from my mother-in-law’s mind right now. The ironic part about all of this is that, near the end, Rose wanted to cut the guy out of her will entirely, and she simply didn’t have enough strength to see it through. It was Ethel and Shauna who felt that the strain of a competency dispute would be too hard on her and their focus near the end was to make her as comfortable and worry-free as possible. If they had been as interested in her money as he is, they could probably have made sure he got nothing, at Rose’s ultimate expense. Now he’s running around telling the one or two people left in the family who don’t completely despise him that my mother-in-law “poisoned” Rose and the rest of the family against him. There is a special place in hell for people like that. Be careful whom you trust.


In the news … obnoxious Yankees owner George Steinbrenner finally struck out at the ripe old age of eighty. I thought the guy was a certified lunatic, (I always loved that Seinfeld impression of him), repeatedly hiring and firing managers as he sometimes did. Still, I guess his obsession with winning and his “money talks” mentality worked, because under his reign the Yankees did pretty well. Paging through the International Herald Tribune, looking for anything amusing this week, I noticed an article on scientists in Australia who are tackling the growing problem of bovine emissions. Forget about the greenhouse gas assaults from rusty old Ford V-8’s, the real culprit in global climate change is cow burps (and farts). Anyhow, somebody has figured out a way to tweak the bovine diet in such a way as to reduce the methane emissions, and this is a great day for mankind. Thank goodness, now I don’t have to buy one of them Priuses, and I can resume my gluttonous overuse of fossil fuels. Speaking of which, rumour has it that BP is close to capping that oil spew, just in time to watch the last of the Gulf marine wildlife disappear. Congratulations you schmucks.

I knew it was the cows all along. Take that Al Gore, you tree-hugging, Tipper-divorcing, hippo. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 7/7/10

Sorry this entry is a little late, but the past week has been pretty busy. Here’s what has transpired in my twisted little universe…


It started on July 2 when, upon arriving back from Huntsville, we received word that Shauna’s aunt, her mother’s only remaining sister, had passed away. Because we were immediate family - she had no children - what followed was a mad scramble to make funeral arrangements and to handle the various other issues involved in the disposition of her estate. On the Fourth of July, we buried her in Toronto. There were no fireworks. The good news is that this wonderful old woman is no longer in pain or suffering in any way, and in going through her effects Shauna found her will. You might recall in a recent post my rant about a bank that was denying my aunt’s directives in favour of a nephew whom she had ill-advisedly trusted with power-of-attorney. I maintain that the bank acted unprofessionally and in collusion with the nephew, and I still may lodge a formal complaint when the dust settles. We were in the process of going through the hoops of fire required to establish her general competency, and had in fact received that required confirmation from a well-respected physician, but the aunt died before her instructions could be honored. The will, which I’m not sure the nephew even knew she had a copy of (he had taken the original copy and never mentioned it to Shauna’s mom who, by the way, is designated in it as a co-executor), clearly negated much of the financial manipulation he had spun to ensure his family got the lion’s share of the estate. The matter is still in the hands of our competent attorney, but I believe this nephew would be a fool to contest that will. Were he to do so, it would trigger a forensic accounting and very likely expose, at the very least, his deplorable breach of fiduciary responsibility, and perhaps even expose him to criminal charges. Personally, I hope he does make trouble, because I know this is our best bet at making him truly pay for his greed. That said, a protracted court battle is probably not in my mother-in-law’s best interest.


I’ve heard it said that karma’s a bitch, but as I have said before, I don’t have much faith in karmic retribution. As comforting as it is to imagine this bastard returning in the next life as a dung beetle or an anal fissure, the truth is that we will likely never have the revenge served cold which many of us secretly crave. I can say with some certainty that this guy has alienated whatever immediate family he still has left, and most of them now despise him for what he did. My aunt begged us to ensure that he was not at her funeral, and he was not. I doubt he cares; because his first call was to the bank. Imagine his surprise, when he found out that all the assets were frozen.

Perhaps this is an inappropriate rant, but these reports are sometimes my therapy; my postcards from the edge. Nobody wants to think about this awful nonsense, but I’m finding out that it does happen, A LOT. If you have a loved one who is getting on in years, please make sure they have a valid and updated will, and ensure that the people appointed in that will can be trusted to carry out the wishes and intentions of the deceased. Believe me, it can solve a LOT of unforeseeable problems.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED