Below is an Oppenheimer Report I wrote back in 1996, which I
posted as one of the very first blog entries on this page when I began presenting
it as a blog in 2006 …
The
Oppenheimer Report 3/3/96…
More
Fluff. At two this morning, while in a semi-comatose state, I
was flipping around the dial for some golden nugget of late night television to
watch, when I was rewarded with an episode from original TV series “Lost in
Space.” Have you ever watched that show? Before it was banished to the
catacombs of really late night T.V., I used to watch “Lost in Space” a lot.
Yeah, yeah, I know, get a life, but I specialize in bad TV, and I’ve got to
tell you, this is good stuff!
Last
night’s episode was, predictable, like the plots of “Voyage to the Bottom of
the Sea,” wherein Kowalski always gets turned into a sea monster, but never
gets killed off, because they need his character for the next show. Dr. Smith,
who is a character on “Lost In Space”, and is a total jerk in every
episode, once again endangers the whole family, this time by giving away one of
their thrusters (no, not June Lockhart) to some bad guy who used to play Otis
the drunk on “Andy of Mayberry,” (yes I watched that too) but in this episode was
playing a careless miner who, in the process of digging for cosmonium (which
comes in a little bottle and looks like a urine sample, but which is really the
essence of life as we know it), causes the planet to become unstable and to
disintegrate. It was so funny I had tears streaming down my eyes.
Whoever
dreamed this show up deserves ... well, something. I haven’t enjoyed
T.V. this much in years. The family space ship looks like an overturned
Tupperware dog dish - what happened anyway, did they let the robot drive? The costumes are 1950's ski attire, and the
robot, who, by the way, is my favorite actor in the series, is a moody, wise-cracking, reconditioned
gravity feed furnace, with all terrain bulldozer treads for feet, a goofy big
flat lightbulb for a head, flailing pool vacuum
hoses for arms, who sounds like
the guy who used to announce for Letterman,
and who yells, “WARNING! WARNING!” a lot. The family pet is a moon chimp
with furry antennae that look a little like they were ripped off a giraffe.
Instead of making normal chimp noises, this thing bloops like a pot of thick
chili turned up too high on the stove. They must have had a stunt chimp too,
because in one scene, when the ground begins to shake, that ape is literally
catapulted off the set. I wish I had taped it, because, one second it was
there, and the next, all I saw was an antenna and an arm at the other end of
the screen. Let me tell you, that stunt monkey earned its bananas ... I’d rather have Jackie Chan’s job. And I
think that chimp was Bubbles’ mother (you’ve probably read about her torrid
affair with Cheetah), which would explain a lot of things.
The
evil Dr. Zachary Smith is a truly complex character. A stowaway and unwanted
guest aboard the big upside-down dog dish, he flits about with Will (the little
boy), and the robot, pining incessantly for Earth. The writers have chosen to
make him an effeminate coward, which must have been how the writers in the
early 70's viewed homosexuals: evil, selfish, and cowardly. Of course, to
complete the stereotype, we have three women who are total fluff heads; pretty,
but too stupid and frail to handle the heavy equipment and fun-to-drive moon
vehicles. Presumably, they do their hair a lot, because it is always exactly
the same in each show. A critical aside: I thought June Lockhart’s hair was a
lot better on “Lassie”.
What
ever happened to the cast of “Lost in Space”... are they still out there? Maybe
they can find that $460+million satellite NASA just lost. Maybe they’ve just
faded into obscurity. Perhaps they’re selling maps to the stars’ houses. Heavy
sigh.
Written
by Jamie Oppenheimer ©1996 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2019 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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