Monday, February 20, 2017

The Oppenheimer Report - 2/20/17

The summer before last, we had a serious squirrel problem and it took a long time to rectify. Flying squirrels took up residence in the 12” air space between our ceiling and our roof deck, and made an awful commotion in the middle of the night. At one point, Shauna was looking out our turret window and saw two of them fornicating on the porch roof, ten feet away. They were actually staring at her while they were doing it. Just our luck to get a couple of perverted exhibitionist rodents for unwanted house guests. After reading about the relatively short gestation period of these creepy little rodents, I realized they intended to drop anchor chez Taylor-Oppenheimer, and this was unacceptable. We called in an “expert” and, for a not so modest consulting fee, he gave us quite an education into the habits of all different kinds of squirrels. He then walked around the house with a ladder and investigated possible points of entry. The long and the short of his expert advice was that there is no easy solution to this problem. He gave us an outrageously high quote to make them go away, without any guarantee that he could do it. The education was edifying, if disheartening. Because I didn’t want dead squirrels rotting in our roof, poison was not an option. I was also worried about accidentally poisoning our dog. Relocation is problematic. I don’t enjoy killing animals, but re-locating squirrels is a colossal pain in the ass. I live-trapped and relocated one red squirrel, and was advised to release it at least 12 miles away to ensure it would not return. Flying squirrels are hard to live trap. Eventually, I did figure out what worked, and after removing the little bastards, we managed to seal up some of the tiny holes through which they made entry. For two years we were trouble free and I have not seen another flying squirrel since. Recently, there is a new problem.

Now, it’s the red squirrels that seem to have taken up residence in our ceiling. With their distinctive, squeaky chatter, they are decidedly the most annoying and neurotic of all the squirrels. Once again, we are sleep deprived because these little bastards are scampering around above us. I’m not sure where they’re getting in but it doesn’t matter. There is no way anyone is getting on our roof right now, there’s too much snow and ice. Just about the time I decided to break out the heavy artillery I noticed a bard owl, perched on one of our maple trees out front. Patiently, it waited for the right moment, then swooped down and grabbed some little mouse or vole out of the snow. It remained on our property for a few days, and before it left, there were two patches of blood where it had likely killed something larger than a mouse. Shauna’s nickname at Hunters Bay Radio is “Hawkeye” for her ability to spot typos and grammatical errors. She’s also an excellent shot, and today, much to my surprise, she picked off two of the roof invaders. I’m hoping the bard owl will get the rest of them (or at least drive them away). Back when I was a city boy, I was oblivious to the workings of Mother Nature, but since we moved north, I have become more mindful of nature's balance. When possible, we try to prepare for her occasional wrath, and while we realize that our carbon footprint is large, we also try not to interfere too much. All bets are off when the critters invade our homestead.

Today is Family Day in Canada, and I wish all my Canadian friends a Happy Family Day. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the huge piles of snow on our driveway have begun to melt down a bit. Even if it’s only for one day, hopefully we can focus on loving our families and put all the nonsense in the world on hold.
  

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2017 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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