The Oppenheimer Report - 9/14/96
The other night, I was
surfing the tube, looking for something to watch for half an hour that wasn’t
completely depressing, and I was rewarded with a documentary on Barbie ... the
doll, that is. Of course I had to watch.
Forget that Saddam Hussein
is very close to provoking a war with the United States, forget about the
increasing use of heroin among young American adults, as reported by Dan Rather
... we have some really important news here. Barbie has big boobs ...
and Ken is a rich, apathetic twit without a pecker.
When I first started
watching this program, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Admittedly, I
came in about a third of the way through the show, but I think I caught the
drift. Basically, it was a commentary by several so-called Barbie experts about
what Barbie has “done” through the ages;
what she was feeling, whether sex was on her mind (tough call,
because Ken doesn’t have any genitalia),
and who she “became” as time went on. Is
she a gum-chewing, licentious, conniving (albeit well-dressed) she-devil, or a
sensitive, intelligent wonder woman, preoccupied with helping others? Does she
get depressed? People were actually discussing these “issues” with a straight
face.
They even went so far as to
cover interviews with women who sought to be Barbie. That was
frightening... that they have Barbie look alike contests...with real women
choosing to compete in them! I recalled
seeing a show about some woman who had had multiple plastic surgeries in order
to make herself look like Barbie. I don’t know how any of my readers feel about
this, but I think what we have here are some people with way way too much time
on their hands. Surely, Barbie has provided hours of fun and entertainment for
her billions of adoring young (and old) fans. Still, at the end of the day, is
not Barbie a plastic doll, with detachable limbs, painted eyes, and synthetic
hair punched neatly into her empty
plastic head? I don’t get it. Does Barbie worry about world peace? I think not.
Is she an insult to the feminist movement in America and abroad, because she
represents everything that is shallow and superficial about women? I haven’t
given it much thought, but what kind of person would? Does she “do” Ken?
My goodness, is NOTHING sacred??
Besides, I always thought Barbie was saving herself for marriage.
There are all sorts of
Barbie Dolls, and Barbie has changed over the years to reflect the times. I have a few suggestions for Barbies that I
think would typify these turbulent 90's
...
Since everyone is so
serious about attaching real feelings and emotions to this doll, how about ... “
Pregnant Teen Barbie”, “Crack Whore Barbie”, “Single Mother on Welfare with Six
Kids Barbie”, “Dominatrix Barbie”, “Wasted Rock Star on Heroin Carrying the
Ashes of Her Dead Husband Around in a
Backpack Barbie” ... you get the idea.
At one point during
this programming gem, it was suggested
that Barbie might one day be responsible for world peace, and I do think this
is possible ... in fact I have a suggestion. Why don’t they paint Barbie onto
all the missiles they’re about to lob at Saddam and his unfortunate countrymen. Then she can make her small
contribution to world peace ... but Mother Teresa she will never be. -Written
by Jamie Oppenheimer
This Thursday night from 6-7PM, and before my weekly radio show Lyrical Workers (8-11PM), I will be playing a live set on air at Hunters Bay Radio. For those of you out-of-towners who might be interested in listening, the performance will be available online by clicking on one of the following links: http://www.muskokaonline.com/, http://www.huntersbayradio.com, http://tunein.com/radio/Hunters-Bay-Radio-887-s223886/, and http://74.119.88.66/test.htm
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