I am fascinated by the myth of Krampus, that monster who
disposes of naughty children shortly before Christmas. I understand there is even a new
holiday horror flick dealing with the subject. Krampus is the anti-Santa, or
the yin to Santa’s yang if you will, and I first learned of him several years
ago when I did an Oppenheimer Report on the subject. It just makes sense that,
if there is going to be a Santa for all the good little girls and boys, there
ought to be someone on the team to clear out all the bad apples as well. Santa
has enough on his plate without having to decide who’s naughty and who’s nice.
Krampus is apparently cause for a celebration in Austria, and on Krampusnacht, or Krampus night, people dress up in outrageously demonic Krampus
costumes, sometimes getting a bit liquored up, they parade around town harassing parade goers, and generally behave like football fans at a tailgate
party. While the whole thing seems a little weird, I am in favor of any tradition
that tempers the sometimes over-the-top enforced gaiety and materialism that has regrettably come to
characterize Christmas.
Anyhow, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to my twelve loyals readers,
and especially to my good friend James Carroll, Program Director, Producer, Host, and Editor at Hunters Bay Radio, who is
very sick right now and facing his challenges with courage and dignity. James,
you are a good man, whose achievements in life are too numerous to list, and I love you like a brother.
To follow is one of my very first holiday “reports”, written
around 22 years ago, before I began to edit for offensiveness. I wrote the very first one the year before,
but upon re-reading it, it is not appropriate for a public blog. Yes, believe
it or not, I have toned things down a bit over the years. This one is
a bit politically incorrect, but nowhere near as bad as some of the reports were. Some
of the references in this report are a little dated (one of the big issues at
the time was acknowledging gays in the military) but it might be interesting to
some of you how far I have not come.
Perhaps some of my “twelve loyal readers” will remember this one. Happy
holidays to one and all. Thanks for reading!
12/7/93 .....
Three months in the Betty Ford Clinic and Santa is a new elf.
No more substance abuse, no more drinking, and no more fooling around with the
reindeer. Last year's FWI (flying while intoxicated) put a real cramp in his
style. He had to send everything out Federal Express because he couldn't fly,
and it really put him in the hole financially. So this year, Santa is clean and
sober and ready to roll.
That's a good thing because he has some major problems with
which to deal. His liability insurance premiums have gone through the roof,
literally. In 1991, there was an unresolved $5 Million class action suit brought
against Santa and North Pole Partners Inc. for roof damage to thirteen homes on
Long Island. Doesn't it figure those litigious pricks in downstate N.Y. would
sue Santa?! What do you expect in the state where the governor plunders
billions from state pension funds to balance the budget? Ho friggin' ho.
Then there was that equal opportunity issue. The Feds are on
his back because, try as he may, Santa has not been able to fill the required
quota of African American elves on his payroll. While there seems to be no
shortage of Hispanic and Asian elves, the fact is, there just aren't that many
Black elves out there willing to work for candy. The few that there are, get scooped up for big buck holiday
T.V commercials.
Look for some new toys in the marketplace this season. If
your child is a stargazer, why not buy him a scale model of the Hubble
Telescope. It comes complete with an eye chart and a list of excuses used by real-life
NASA scientists for why everything's blurry. Expensive custom replacement
lenses sold separately.
For the politically correct child, how about the new GI
Bruce doll. Throw him in the foxhole with your Chuck Norris or Mr. T doll and
watch the sparks fly. Your child will have hours of fun, showering homophobic abuse
on this fun-loving scapegoat of military intolerance. Color coordinated fatigue
ensembles and "civies" sold separately.
And finally, for the Nintendo or SEGA junkie in your
household, how about the new video game called “LA is burning". You are a promising young actor who just has to make
that final audition. You've got the job if you show up, but uh oh! First you
have to GET there. The fun begins as you set out from your trendy bungalow in
Venice, only to experience the labyrinthine perils of everyday existence in L.A.
Weave through the highway and drive-by shootings, gang warfare, race riots, police
harassment, destructive brush fires, snooty, arrogant rich people and
overpriced restaurants, snooty, arrogant poor people who work as waiters in
overpriced restaurants - crime pestilence, greed....this game has it all. And
it's going to take more than a joy stick to get you through this one kids ... are
you up to the challenge? Don't forget your mace! Gosh I love this time of year.
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c1993 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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