The Oppenheimer Report 2/4/13

Superbowl # XLVII is in the books and while I didn’t have a horse in this race, I’m glad the Ravens won. I like close games and this was a close one, just like last year. Joe Flacco and his Ravens pulled it off, but it really could have gone either way until the very end. It looked like the Ravens were going to walk away with the game in the first half, but then, when the lights went out early in the second half, everything changed. Half the lights in the Superdome went out, causing a long delay in the game, and mysteriously San Francisco got very hot soon after the game resumed. The cynic in me was wondering if somebody who had a lot of money riding on the game caused the outage to give his beleaguered Niners a chance to regroup. Beyonce was the halftime entertainment, and I’ve never been a fan. She may be nice to look at but I think she is highly over-rated as a performer. Good light show though. Sadly, there were no wardrobe malfunctions. I heard on the news that there was a chicken wings shortage for Superbowl Sunday. Reportedly there were 12 Million less wings available this year than were served last year, and I blame this on my hometown of Buffalo. Had it not been for a serendipitous turn of events at Frank and Teresa’s Anchor Bar one fateful night long ago, chicken wings would have remained a little ordered appetizer on the menu at Chinese restaurants. Now the demand has skyrocketed.

Groundhog Day was last Saturday, and Ontario’s substance abusing bad boy rodent Wiarton Willie predicted a short winter. I believe this forecast was contradicted by other weather rodents throughout the northeast (like “Butthead Pete,” our weather rodent in Katrine) and this makes these rodent forecasts suspect. What if it’s sunny in Buffalo (hah!) and cloudy in Rochester? Can the predicted length of a winter really be that different for two cities. At this point, there have to be hundred of under-qualified groundhogs running around making their shoot-from-the-buck-tooth predictions. Perhaps we should adopt Al Gore as our national weather rodent; he has all the weather answers, and he is kind of cute and fat like a groundhog. Punxatawny Al.

A moment of silence for Barney, who passed away last week at the age of twelve. I am not talking about the purple blob of evil so adored by millions of brainwashed toddlers, (and reviled by me). As far as I know, he/she/it is still alive and reprogramming young minds with his/her/its evil agenda. No, I’m talking about The First Dog, George W. Bush’s beloved Scottie. Barney was pretty cute and hands down my favorite thing about those Bush years. Other notable obituaries: you may know him from People’s Court, former mayor of New York City, Ed Koch died last week of heart failure. He was a character for sure, and credited by some as turning NYC into a more desirable tourist destination during his terms. Koch once called himself NYC’s “Super Salesman.” Also, the last of the Andrews Sisters, Patty Andrews, passed at 94.

And speaking of dead people, did you hear about King Richard III - you know, now-is-the-winter-of-our-discontent-my kingdom-for-a-horse Richard III? They just discovered his body when they were digging up a parking lot in England. King Richard III was buried in a parking lot? I understand that his burial likely preceded the construction of the parking lot; but still, the indignity! Horrible fire in that Kiss nightclub in Brazil, with over two hundred young partiers asphyxiated in the blaze. I heard someone set off a flare in the club, perhaps someone from the band. I‘m thinking pyrotechnics in a crowded nightclub with locked exit doors … probably a bad idea. You won’t catch me in one of those crowded nightclubs … them days is over for me.

Barney, we’re gonna miss ya buddy. Say hi to all the Rin Tin Tins for me. But not Lassie, she was a bitch.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED