The Oppenheimer Report 2/13/12

We finally got a little taste of winter up here in the Great White North, and the snowmobiles were out in droves last weekend. One of my pet peeves with snowmobiles is that, as is the case with high performance speedboats, any chowderhead with enough money can go out and buy a powerful machine that will reach speeds of over 100 MPH, but nobody requires them to learn how to drive it. The other day, while I was at a gas station in busy Huntsville, some bozo had managed to get his expensive new snowmobile stuck in an embankment about ten feet from my parked car. He was gunning the motor for at least five minutes, trying in vain to free his machine by rocking in and out of the rut he was in. He was clearly going nowhere, over-revving his motor, billowing smoke into the air, and he was pointed directly at my car. Had he achieved the desired traction, he would have launched his machine directly into the side of my car. Eventually some good Samaritans (not I) helped him pick the thing up and move it, after which he zoomed off, oblivious, and on to his next mistake. I counted about thirty snowmobiles zooming around in Katrine, and I’ll wager that at least a quarter of them were under the influence, or going too fast to be in control of their machines. Indeed, last week there were several stories about snowmobile fatalities in the Muskoka region. From my motorcycle days, I remember that road obstructions come up fast at 85MPH. Look out for that r-WHAM!

I too was a weekend warrior, and on Saturday, when the mercury dipped to single digits, I took the ATV out onto the empty frozen lake for a little spin. We are on a three lake system and I drove as far as the end of the middle lake, a couple of miles, before chickening out and turning around. I was alone, it was late afternoon, I was in a dead zone for cell service, and I had none of the standard safety equipment one should bring when tooling around on a frozen lake (like rosary beads). I do have a winch on the ATV, but without some kind of auger to anchor into the ice, or a long length of good rope, or hand spikes, I’d be SOL if I ever did get into trouble. Staying warm is my big concern, and generally I am well equipped in that department. Snow pants help - we used to call them leggings when I was a kid - but I’m still having trouble keeping my hands warm. Lots of snowmobiles come with heated grips, but my ATV does not have this feature. I bought something called “Hippo Hands” which is essentially a giant insulated covering that goes over the hand grips, and that helps, but makes it difficult to operate the throttle or find the starter button. When it’s ten below out you don’t want to be taking your gloves off to feel around for the controls. My next purchase will be electrically heated gloves. Anyhow, winter is a lot more fun with snow-friendly toys. Generally I drive like an old lady, but every so often I try and see what that little machine of mine can do. The answer is, a lot more than I have the “stones“ to do with it. Several times I’ve climbed steep embankments or taken it into rather deep snow, and so far I have not rolled it or been stuck. BTW, I reserve my right to be an idiot far away from the general public, not on the streets of Huntsville. I rely on the sage advice of some of my experienced snow voyagers: get on the throttle if you start to get stuck. Around sunset, Shauna and I took a walk together out onto the lake, and it was quite lovely to watch that fire red sky against a vast expanse of white. One of our neighbors had cleared a skating rink and there was a game going on. One of these days I’ll buy some cross country skis; I think that would be a good way to travel on the frozen lake, and to get some exercise to boot.

Final notes, I won’t complain about the Grammy’s this year because in my opinion it was a rather entertaining show. The Gloved One, Amy Winehouse, Etta James, and now Whitney Houston; they’re dropping like flies. Of course, everyone was talking about the untimely death of Whitney Houston in her hotel room just a day before the big ceremony. It will be weeks before we’re told the cause of death, but I’m guessing it wasn’t bad tuna. This is all Bobby Brown’s fault. My girl Adele cleaned up with 6 Grammy Awards, and Bon Iver, another group I like, also won an award. I understand that the Grammys rewards all forms of music, but this year it just seemed to me infinitely more enjoyable to watch than last year’s horrible show. I thought Jennifer Hudson did a fantastic tribute to Whitney. Hard to believe that girl placed 7^th in American Idol back in 2003. Syria’s Assad and his allies Russia and China thumbed their noses at the U.N., which is to say, angry but carefully worded U.N. resolutions will be forthcoming. This is not good press for Russia and China, but serves to remind me that much of the world is not free of oppression. With rumors Israel may soon strike to disable Iran’s nuclear capability, and mindful of the problems in Egypt, I fear the Middle East is setting up to be a major hurricane. Can’t they all just agree to settle all this with a rousing game of Rollerball? Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED