The Oppenheimer Report - 1/30/12

Squirrel update. It amuses me that almost any source I consulted on the internet, or the people I asked, suggested that “six feet under” is the best place to relocate a squirrel. I was looking for information as to how far away I should expect to relocate the critters when I live trap them. For your edification, five to ten miles is apparently the minimum. Seems to me like a long way for a squirrel to travel; how do they find their way back, GPS? There were some very creative responses to my query. One fellow suggested that relocation could be anywhere from five to twelve feet, depending on the force of the shotgun blast. Most responses suggested gratuitous violence, which leads me to believe squirrels are not the most beloved creatures on the food chain. Personally, I would not use a shotgun to kill a squirrel. The red squirrels are the culprits, but the bigger, less troublesome black ones keep getting caught in the trap. Our weather has been mercurial and at times the traps we set froze and were not closing on the lighter red squirrels. I finally relented and popped one of the little bastards the other day. He was not getting the humaneness of my non-violent approach and force was required. Like the Mob, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, then fuggetabottit. So I whacked my first squirrel, as a message to his annoying relatives. I thought about mounting his head on a stick atop our birdhouse, or smearing his blood on my face as some sort of tribal Hoo-Yah. Having drawn first rodent blood, I expect that this will get easier and easier with time. The good news: with three red squirrels either relocated to another county or dead, there seems to be much less activity in our roof. When I’m sure the whole fam damily is gone, I’ll seal up the hole.

Warning! Political rant paragraph. I’m having a lot of trouble envisioning either Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich as the front runners for the Republican party. So Gingrich beat Romney in S. Carolina, he doesn’t seem elect able to me. I don’t like Romney much either and I suspect that many of the younger voters won’t buy his brand of tuna. On top of all this, he’s rich, and apparently that is grounds for beheading in America right now. When the dust settles, like it or not Mitt is probably the guy, so give Newt and the Teabaggers the Bronx cheer, and get your party aligned ASAP. If you don’t, you commit hari kari before you even enter the race. What concerns me most is that, as the economy starts to plateau or turn upwards, which it may now begin to do, Obama’s a shoe in no matter who the elephants put up. If you listened to Obama’s State of Union speech last Tuesday, and if you read between the lines, it was all about increased government spending. I think Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, the guy who made the GOP response speech to Obama’s State of the Union address, made the best case for choosing a fiscally conservative Republican candidate. He was miles above Newt or Mitt in communication skills, and he has a normal name. As for Obama’s campaign directive, “eat the rich” might fly with some people, but I’ll wager there are even members of the shrinking middle class that don’t buy that jive. It’s divisive and playing Robin Hood won’t work. It sounds good, and I completely understand the indignation of everyone who‘s been screwed by Wall Street. Unbridled greed did get us into this mess, but for the record, that was bi-partisan greed. We all drank the Koolaid, let’s not point fingers. As for increasing the tax burden on the rich, absolutely, close the loopholes, try and make the tax code simpler and fairer. I think the tax code as it stands now is unfair. Change it, and keep a lid on irresponsible banking and investment practices. While you’re at it, change the campaign funding rules to better favor eligible candidates who don’t have boatloads of money. But don’t lead the American people to believe that simply changing tax rates and hamstringing the evil corporations, who g-d forbid are in the business of making money, will be the magic bullet. Ask Main Street if the Obama administration has been good for business. $700 Billion of taxpayer money spent, and unemployment is still through the roof.

Can cold make you lose weight? I watched a news story about a study which suggests that lowering body temperature by a few degrees can cause brown fat cells to burn at a surprising rate. But hold your horses Hoss, before you move to Fargo, N.D. as your weight loss strategy, you might want to wait for a little more research. There are plenty of fat people in Buffalo and it gets really cold there in the winter. Finally, I need look no further than the Toronto Star for the news that matters to me. On page four of last week’s Saturday Star was a little article which read “Windsor outraged by dwarf tossing event.” Some bar sponsored a dwarf tossing competition last Saturday and some local residents feel this is an indignity to little people. I won‘t argue with this, but do we really need legislation to protect the dwarfs? I think this falls into the consenting adults category, and where the deed becomes an assault, deal with it accordingly; there are laws governing assault. Apparently, a Member of Parliament representing Windsor felt it did require legislation, and in 2003 introduced the failed Dwarf Tossing Ban Act. You tax dollars at work. Up here in Katrine, I’m thinking of introducing a new sport: squirrel snow blowing. The folks at PETA might be all over me on this one. Aside from the obvious catharsis of watching these destructive little pests spread out on my snowy front lawn like bad art, it IS a bit extreme. I suppose this would prompt an MP up here to sponsor the Squirrel Snowblowing Ban Act. Hey, I’m a peaceful man, but I’m ready to “get medieval” on some pesky rodents if they keep pushing my buttons. Sooner or later I’m gonna (snow)blow. Speaking of snow, we got about a foot yesterday here in the Great White North. Finally.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED