The Oppenheimer Report - 7/5/11

Happy Fourth to all my Yankee readers, and a belated Happy Canada Day to all the Canadians. Hope you still have all your fingers after this incendiary day. I was in Buffalo to attend a funeral, and last night, it sounded like the city was at war. From dusk until about Midnight, the streets were ablaze with fireworks and explosives. It was almost laughable how many explosions there were. I wish I could get my hands on some of those M-80s we used to blow up, but apparently they’re difficult to procure. I never actually made the purchase, but we used to buy our explosives on the black market. Some guy would appear shortly before the Fourth and sell bombs out of the trunk of his Camaro. I’d hate to think what would have happened if someone hit that gentleman’s car from behind, igniting the dangerous cargo. One M-80 can blow a small tree stump out of the ground; I can’t imagine what ten gross would do. Of course, every Fourth, there is the obligatory news story about some black market fireworks manufacturing disaster wherein somebody’s house burns down. I actually went to a website that sells the fuses, canisters, and packing material, because I thought to myself, “How hard could it be?” Gunpowder, wax, a fuse, a canister, and maybe a few other ingredients, and presto, you have your basic, garden variety M-80! I am sure that simply by visiting that website I have put myself on some kind of FBI dangerous person list. Relax everybody, I’m just a mischievous fifty-five year-old going on fifteen. And speaking of mischief …

As promised, this week’s report deals with the how, why, and where of the notorious Annual Buffalo T.V. Shoot. The first shoot took place January 1, 1977 and was the brainchild of several of my old friends from the neighborhood in Buffalo. I like to tell people the event began as a symbolic gesture expressing our displeasure with all the jingoistic Bi-Centennial manure we had been force-fed for the large part of 1976. If I saw one more used car salesman dressed up like Uncle Sam, I was going to puke. In truth, a bunch of us were home for the holidays, sitting around getting drunk at some Christmas party, and we decided it would be fun to raffle off tickets for the chance to shoot a television set. After all,who needs a reason to shoot a television set? Our first victim was a Zenith black and white which my pal Bob and I procured. Over the years, we got better at picking our victims, but that first purchase was a little weird. Imagine going to buy a used television and explaining to your salesman that you only need it to get three channels, once, for about three hours. The repair guy who sold it to us was very proud of the fact that he had almost completely restored this period piece, and all Bob and I cared about was that it had moderate reception on three channels. I felt kind of bad for the guy. Anyhow, New Year’s Day 1977 arrived and we all headed over to Canada for the big raffle. Because I have never owned a gun, I wasn’t responsible for explaining to the customs agent why we were bringing weapons across the border on New Year’s Day, but I’m quite sure we didn’t tell the truth. I won that first raffle. The winning ticket had a picture of a blindfolded television with a cigarette dangling off the screen. Blam! I shot the Zenith (but I did not shoot no R-C-A) with a twelve gauge shotgun. I believe I shot John Madden in the back. After the first kill shot, other attendees were allowed to take pot shots. We really destroyed that first set. You’ve heard of first blood, well this was first transistor, and it was intoxicating. For a while, we had a trophy room in someone’s garage, housing quite a few of these electronic carcasses. The event was such a success that it was repeated for about ten years thereafter, usually on New Year’s Day, and always on the Canadian shore. Some of these TV shoots were well attended, and in keeping with the general political incorrectness of the whole affair, beer was often served as a refreshment. Some of the murders were videotaped (we filmed the first one with Dad’s old 8mm movie camera). One year, we had three or four sets on deck to shoot. We shot consoles, monitors; one year, I think we even shot a VCR. The only criteria was that the electronic device had to be plugged in and working at the time of execution. Several of the shoots were by firing squad, and I remember there was a lot of firepower involved in some of those executions. One year, I believe there was even a high-powered elephant gun. Many of you have probably heard the story about Elvis shooting his TV set with a pistol. I can say from experience that it is a very satisfying thing to do. There has been talk about resurrecting the ritual, but so far no firm plans have been made.

Former Illinois Governor and grown-up-Eddie-Munster-look-a-like, Rod Blagojevich, was finally found guilty last week on 17 of 20 charges of corruption. He’s the guy who tried to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. Sign your name in the book of jive and get ready for your vacation in the Big Country Club. And on the other side of the justice-is-blind spectrum, Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her daughter Caylee. While we can all hope for karmic retribution in this one, I'm not optimistic. The final verdict came down to the lack of evidence. No one could say how or when the little girl died, and therein reasonable doubt trumps all circumstantial evidence. Ugh.

Finally, on my country's birthday, I'd like to express my gratitude to all the men and women who serve our countries and protect my freedom to spout my silly opinions. For the record, I do not take that privalege for granted.


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED