The Oppenheimer Report - 12/27/10 Happy New Year!

Former Darwin Award Runner-up

Coming down the QEW the other day on my way to see Mom in Buffalo, I heard a story on the radio about some boneheads who had climbed down the Niagara Gorge in order to do mischievous things to the Maid of the Mist tour boats. Eventually, one of them had to be rescued, and the story reminded me of the idiots who used to climb challenging mountains around our hotel in Banff, then needed to be rescued when they realized they were in big trouble. I used to sit out on the balcony of our room and watch the rescue helicopters executing expensive retrievals off Rundle Mountain across the Bow Valley. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, but thankfully most of them were only witnessed by my closest friends (who were equally blameworthy). And most of the stupid stuff I’ve done did not cost other people lots of money. So far, I haven’t had to explain to the policeman who saved my life why I was stupid enough to climb down the Niagara Gorge, in order to vandalize the Maid of the Mist, then to require assistance because I imperiled my life. In this the last report for 2010, I think it appropriate to once again touch on Darwin. No I’m not going to recount every one of my favorite Darwin Award candidates, those members of our society who have graciously removed themselves from the gene pool by killing themselves in some ridiculous and stupid way. I will point out that it’s one thing to accidentally jog off a steep cliff, but it’s quite another to weld jet engines to your Chevy, then launch yourself into the side of a mountain at 300 MPH. When I hear the word Darwinism, I think of survival of the fittest. Outlast, outsmart, outlive ... but out earn?

This morning, I read an article in The New York Times, my favorite leftist commie, Republican-hating, Pinko rag, and it was an “off with their heads” article about the skyrocketing compensation for the “top dogs” in our society. Some of the statistics, if in fact they are statistics, are staggering. For example, the median salary paid to a NY Yankee baseball player is $5.5 Million, or about seven times the inflation-adjusted median Yankee salary from 1990. In 1977, a CEO for a large corporation might have earned 50 times what one of his lowly workers made. Today, the highest paid CEO makes 1100 times what his workers make. Back in the 80’s during the decade of greed, Wall Street bonuses amounted to about $15,600 per person, but in 2007, just before the latest economic bubble burst, that bonus figure was more like $177,000 per person. The article goes on to suggest that this is all Ronald Reagan’s fault, but that these soaring compensations are also linked to free market economies and increased performance. A CEO is worth a lot more because he or she brings in more profits for the company and the shareholders. Is this really survival of the fittest, or have we all just gone mad? I never thought I’d be the one to suggest this, but perhaps democracy IS broken. We wonder why we’re getting so many unacceptable candidates in government, but if you can make $100 Billion inventing an internet-based social network, who wants to subject him (or her) self to the microscope of public office for a lousy couple hundred grand? Patriotism? Pthoohey! Dumb is the new leader (yeah, yeah, I know, Obama‘s smart) and while I will concede that many of the high earners in our society are better, faster, stronger, or more opportunistic than the rest of us lemmings, that does not necessarily entitle them to all of the lottery winnings. No, I’m not Robin Hood and I loathe the tail-wagging-the-dog government approach to the redistribution of wealth. What I might be suggesting is a little more flexible and reactive approach in the private sector in order to regulate executive and celebrity compensation. If you earn say $10 Million or more per year (perhaps excluding founders of companies), and your income is tied to fans or stockholders, then you are subject to periodic performance reviews, carried out by those responsible for your paycheck. Fail in any given quarter and your salary is docked, or if you really screw up, you get the boot. In Bernie Madoff’s case, your testicles are smeared with peanut butter then publicly removed by wolverines. If your movie does well, you get a piece of the action; if the movie bombs, you get your already inflated fee, but nothing else. There should be some cap on CEO salaries - and I have no idea what that should be - and bonuses should be a little more in line with reality. The more this compensation thing gets out of whack, the less vested the rest of us are in the American dream. There will always be stupid people in the world, and not all of them will be so accommodating as to remove themselves from the gene pool, but let’s not put all of them in charge of the cookie jar.

So, what does any of this have to do with Darwin? I’m not sure, but it seems as if the laws of Darwinism are not working. By all means, talent and excellence should be rewarded,  but let's not be ridiculous about it! The cream is not rising to the top, and there must be a better way to lure the truly gifted back to the table. Some of those people are delivering pizzas right now. As we usher in the infant 2011, let’s be better parents … and let’s start paying the right people something a little closer to what they’re worth.


“I rode the tiger, I rode the tiger, thought I was the talk of the town,

I rode the tiger, I rode the tiger, turns out I was just another money-grubbing clown…

I rode the tiger, I rode the tiger, I burned that candle right down,

I rode the tiger, I rode the tiger, I rode that tiger, right into the ground…



Cho:

Why is it everybody’s trying to find a way to make a million bucks?

Everybody’s rolling dice trying to grab a slice of lady luck …

I don’t need it, I don’t want a million bucks…”


I hope that 2011 brings back some of the sanity and common sense we seem to have misplaced! As I do every new year, I resolve to be a better person in general, to reduce my giant carbon footprint, and of course, to try not to say nasty things about the French. Happy New Year everyone. As Mr. Spock so wisely impored:  "Live long and prosper!"


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED