The Oppenheimer Report - 12/20/10

Just in time for the holidays, Europe is being paralyzed by the worst snowstorm in decades, severely hampering all modes of transportation. I read that in Germany, 560 flights had been cancelled as of yesterday, and ice and snow brought London’s Heathrow Airport to a near standstill on Saturday. Fun fact that I did not know: Heathrow is the world’s busiest international airport. I read about these weather disasters in other parts of the world and I chuckle. The fact is, Europe was not adequately prepared for this snow emergency, and what occurred this past weekend would probably be considered an average winter day in Buffalo, or up where we live. Even in the southern United States, if they get four inches of snow, they consider it a snow day and close up. What a bunch of wimps! Up here in the Great White North, we’ve had a few lake effect dumpings, but nothing too severe yet. We’ve only been plowed out once so far this year.


When I was a little boy in Buffalo, in the winter, Mom would bundle me up in five layers of winter clothing, topped off with leggings and a huge jacket. Preparing me for the outdoors was a major project that took fifteen or twenty minutes, and when she was finished, I had so much stuff on I couldn’t move. She’d pick me up and throw me outside for an hour or so, and I’d sit in the snow, motionless until she came to get me. This fond memory occurred to me the other day as I donned my winter gear to do some snow blowing. I am now fifty-five years old and once again, I’m wearing leggings, five layers of clothing, and my genuine pica-fur-lined trooper hat (you know, the silly ones with the flaps that fold down). I’ve come full circle; I look like that little kid I used to be, immobilized in a snow bank. Today, as I finish writing this report, the lake is completely white, and soon the ice fishing huts will begin to dot the west shore. That will be my cue to take my first cruise on the frozen lake with our new ATV. That thing is pretty good in the snow; I took it for a little high speed spin around the neighborhood last weekend and it’s a lot of fun in the snow.


With only five shopping days left until reindeer-fest 2010, I read that a lot of Christmas shoppers are avoiding the mall madness and letting their fingers do the shopping. Online shopping is up considerably, and in keeping with the 21st Century trend to disconnect from society, buyers can now avoid the holiday retail craziness by shopping in the comfort of their own home. One word of warning, as I am sure some of you have discovered with online shopping: cyberspace is the Wild West. If you’re not dealing with a known retailer, caveat emptor. We recently tried to purchase a computer online, enticed by the ridiculously discounted price. After making the purchase, we were informed that the laptop was out of stock and would not be in stock for months. They didn’t even offer a suitable alternative. Know your vendor, or pick one that is highly rated for reliability. Speaking of holiday “ugliness”, I once saw one of Santa’s disheveled “surrogates” urinating against a Toyota in a mall parking lot near Buffalo. My goodness, think of the children! Once you put on that suit, I think you have a certain responsibility to uphold the code. No drugs, no molestation, no swearing, and certainly no peeing on other people’s cars. You’d think Santa would be a little more careful about the guys he hires to help out, but you know what they say about good help. Don’t even get me started about the elves.


At a loss for what to give this holiday season? If the stores are all out of computerized book thingies, salad shooters, and robot vacuum cleaners, perhaps giving a little love and affection, which I’m sure all of you give in abundance anyhow, will suffice. Remember, Ho, Ho Ho, and don’t be “a ho”. Happy Holidays, I’ll see you in 2011!


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED