The OppenheimerReport - 12/13/98
Most people don’t know this, but Santa and I are old buddies. I first met him back in ‘79 at a Shriners convention in Milwaukee, and we became fast friends. I’ve partied with him a few times. Santa was a real womanizer, and he had a thing for super models. It almost cost him his marriage, which is no great loss, if you ask me. In my opinion, Mrs. Claus could guard a bridge. Anyhow, I don’t enjoy chronicling Santa’s gradual physical and spiritual decline over the past several years, but better it should be me than say, Geraldo. Briefly, here’s a four year review of some of the problems that have plagued the “Teflon Elf,” leading up to this year’s nail in the coffin...
It all began to unravel for Santa after he received an FWI (flying while intoxicated) back in 1993. It had been a particularly stressful year, and Santa had been deluged by all the requests for politically correct toys, not to mention a potentially crippling elf strike. One night, after a major bender with several of his upper management elves, Santa was pulled over for driving erratically ... he was trying to mow down birds with his sleigh. To rub assault into the wound, he punched his arresting officer. Using every last ounce of his North Pole clout, he managed to avoid jail, but was sentenced to a 36 month probation along with two hundred years of community service. Worst of all, he was grounded for Christmas that year, and everything had to go out Fed Ex. That was a financial nightmare for the Clauses. Then in ‘94, there was the class action lawsuit, initiated as a result of sixty-two sleigh-damaged roofs on Long Island (that was a bad year for the reindeer... Rudolph had had them all out late the night before, and they were very rusty on the approach). This culminated in a $12 million settlement. His insurance company reluctantly covered the claim, but of course Santa was dumped right after the settlement. Now he’s completely uninsured. In 1995, perhaps suffering from “menoclaus,” Mrs. Claus had an affair with a Kuwaiti arms dealer. That whole mess was extremely embarrassing, especially when this lover was caught selling weapons to the Iraqis. Talk about pond scum! Because of all the bad press, Santa had a nervous breakdown. I won’t go into the sordid details, but let’s just say Santa desperately needed some quiet time. I’ll wager that, if it hadn’t been for the combined efforts of Dr. Ruth and Tony Robbins, Santa would today be a drooling cretin, incarcerated in a mental institution and living day to day for his paper cup full of anti-depressants. That Tony Robbins is a god.
On top of all this there was the major elf problem in 1996. A bloody elf turf war over drugs practically shut down the whole toy making operation, and three of Santa’s main elves, Guano, Horker, and Merkin, were slaughtered in a rain of bullets from a fly-by shooting. Santa never really recovered from losing them. That was also the year of the ugly copyright dispute with Disney, SPCA allegations of reindeer abuse, problems with the IRS, charges of mail fraud, toxic toy litigation, and stricter FAA regulations on air travel. In short, over the past four years, Santa has been swirling head first down the toilet of misfortune. Now, just when he’s starting to get back on his feet, scandal rears its ugly head again. In September of this year a fourteen year-old gymnast named Tiffany Kaputsky came forward claiming she can prove Santa sexually abused her last year. It’s possible this is yet another Republican smear campaign, designed to take down what is widely considered to be a Democratic icon. Of course, Santa denies everything, but apparently somebody has uncovered a pair of gym tights with Santa’s you-know-what on them and well, I think you know where this is going. I don’t know how Santa gets into these situations, but this one could turn ugly. Why anyone would want to bring down Father Christmas is beyond me, but Santa has always been a bit of a hound dog. This could be the toughest scandal he has ever faced. Somehow, through it all, he has remained focused, and every Christmas Eve, he has managed to deliver toys to boys and girls around the world. The naughty and nice have been duly recognized and coal has been put in all the appropriate stockings. Amazing if you think about it. By the way kids, no cookies for Santa this year, OK? He has a blood sugar problem.
-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c1998 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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