Mayberry Revisited - The OppenheimerReport - 10/10/97

It’s time to play “Where are they now?”. This week, we return to Mayberry RFD to see how that sleepy little town has fared over the past twenty-five years ....
Remember Clara? She had to be institutionalized after, in a state of dementia, she was discovered flashing schoolchildren at a local elementary school. Lost without her best friend, the lovable Aunt Bea becomes a compulsive gambler, and eventually loses her house and all her worldly possessions betting at the track.

Helen Crump catches Andy (to whom she is now engaged) in bed with the town slut, dashing any hopes she might have had of marital bliss. Betrayed and jaded, she becomes a waitress/table dancer at the local biker bar, subsequently losing an eye trying to break up a vicious knife fight. Sporting her signature black eye patch, she becomes known as “One-Eyed Helen”, the meanest barmaid in Mayberry.

Unable to cope with the pressures of student life at NYU, Opie flips out one day and, before he can be subdued, sprays automatic gunfire across a crowded floor of Christmas shoppers at Bloomingdales. He is sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parole, and Andy disowns him.

Still the town drunk, Otis becomes a successful real estate entrepreneur, buying up 300 acres of farmland on the outskirts of town and developing it for industrial use. When some of the property is sold to a large landfill operation to service a nearby big city, the resulting pollution and groundwater contamination virtually decimate the once pristine Mayberry, landing it on the state toxic waste hit list. Otis profits handsomely and buys a seat on the N.Y. Stock Exchange with the windfall.

Now married, Thelma Lou and Barney raise eyebrows in the little town when they are caught in a bizarre sex scandal. In a heated session of kinky sex, they accidentally handcuff each other to their bed and, because Barney’s keys were in his pants pocket across the room, they are forced to remain in that compromised position until they are discovered the next morning by the cleaning lady . That Barney.

Howard Sprague, the honest, mild-mannered, and kind-hearted accountant grows weary of being Mr. Nice Guy. Using his computer skills to siphon off state aid targeted for Mayberry, he loots $375,000 from the town coffers, then runs off to the Caymans with Floyd's wife. Humiliated and unable to face the embarrassment of being a cuckold in a small town, Floyd stabs himself to death with his barber’s shears.

Goober is nabbed by the Feds when it is revealed that for years he had been running a “chop shop” out of his small Mayberry garage. Widely believed to be a simpleton by the local townsfolk, Goober turns out to be the most feared and respected crime boss in the state. All told, his net worth is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $23 million. He is tied to the Hoffa disappearance and several other conspicuous hits, but law officials are unable to make any charges stick. When all the witnesses in the investigation disappear without a trace, Goober gets off with a fine and a warning.

To make a long story short, Mayberry went down the crapper the day the show went off the air. Needless to say, I was shocked to hear about Aunt Bea ... and who knew about Goober?

-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c1997 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED