The Oppenheimer Report - 8/27/12

Yesterday marked the 20^th anniversary of the first time I met my future wife Shauna. We’d spoken on the phone a few times, and written letters to each other, and finally, on August 26, 1992, we agreed to meet at Niagara-on-the-Lake for supper. I convinced her that this location was equidistant from Buffalo and Toronto, and being geographically challenged, she believed me. In fact, Niagara-on-the-Lake is much closer to Buffalo, and I suppose I was hedging my bets. She was almost two hours late, but when we finally met we became fast friends. I remember sitting in her little red Mazda RX-7 after the whole town had gone to bed, listening to The Guitar Trio with Paco de Lucia, a guitarist Shauna and I both enjoy and have since seen several times. Her intelligence, her passion for music, and her sense of humor stole my heart that night, and I didn’t have a chance. Within a year, I proposed marriage to her, in a song I wrote, and surprisingly, she said yes. Because my decision to propose was made at the last minute, I didn’t have a proper engagement ring, so I used a hose clamp from my tool box instead. You snooze, you lose girfren. Marriage is not for sissies, but after eighteen years, we’re beginning to figure it out. She is still late a lot of the time, but I think I made the right decision.

Apparently what happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas. Naked photographs of Royal playboy Prince Harry have surfaced, thanks to celebrity bashers TMZ, and are circulating in the tabloids. Apparently Harry was playing strip billiards with some alleged friends and the crown jewels were exposed. I’m sure Britons have seen far worse, and if memory serves me correctly, some paparazzi scum managed to snap Prince Chuck in the nude a long time ago. My question is, how much did the “photographer” get for those Harry photos? Hope it was worth it, because you are now an international scuzzball. Same goes for the a-hole who sold that photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong after the Beijing Olympics. Look for the new movie about rampant opportunism, coming soon to a theatre near you: Scumbag Millionaire.

How about that Teabagger-endorsed bozo (and six term) Missouri Representative Todd Akin, claiming that “legitimately” raped women don’t get pregnant? Whuh? This is the Republican strategy for saving money? It’s the new, inexpensive way to prevent pregnancy … will it away! While we’re at it, let’s scrap all stem cell research, because some people think that phrenology and bloodletting are far more effective in treating life threatening illnesses. I do not see any way that we could claim that Akin’s comments were taken out of context. That is quite simply a dumb ass thing to believe, much less to say! And I keep repeating it every four years, especially since the controversial Bush/Gore race in 2000; America has become hopelessly crippled by partisan politics. If the Founding Fathers could see how far off the rails this train has gone, they might have opted for some form of autocracy. What infuriates me is that Republican or Democrat, whoever wins in November will be hamstrung by a corrupt and self-serving Congress. At least I can voice this opinion with impunity, for now at least.

They say the number seven is good luck, and yet that number was linked to infamy last week. It’s the 7^th time Mark David Chapman is up for parole for the murder of John Lennon. I don’t think so, Mr. Chapman. Imagine there’s a prison, where bad guys never leave. And after giving up his fight to clear his name of allegations he “juiced,” seven time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has thrown in the towel and will be stripped of his Tour de France medals. Armstrong may have been wise to give it up. While no test has proven he used performance enhancing drugs in his competitions, somehow this scandal just kept coming, and “eyewitnesses” have come forward to testify they saw Armstrong do the dirty deed. He can now walk away from this “witch hunt” as he called it and focus on his charitable endeavors. This one is complicated. I know that doping is fairly common in competitive cycling, and I’ll wager that a lot of his less successful competitors were juicing as well. Rules are rules, and if he did cheat, I suppose the punishment fit’s the crime. If it can be proven. Is there indisputable proof he cheated? Perhaps. Dope or no dope, the guy was a winner in my book. He beat cancer and still remained competitive. His was such a great story: I guess I just don’t want to believe it‘s a lie. When cynicism becomes the norm, no one will dare to dream. Finally, first man on the moon Neil Armstrong has passed away. We thought it was a big step Neil.

Verse #1: “A year ago I didn’t know, didn’t have a clue what I was waiting for/ Passing time, imperfect rhymes, didn’t have a clue who I was writing for. Cho: And I’m telling you I love you, and I’m asking you to please consider me / Oh please, please Shauna Leigh, will you marry me?”

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 8/20/12

Shauna’s birthday was last week and I have always been at a loss to decide what to give her as a gift. It’s been a while since I gave her anything of real value and I was feeling a little guilty about it when lo and behold my problem was solved. Well, sort of. It turns out Barbara Streisand is coming to Toronto in October and will be accompanied by trumpet player extraordinaire Chris Botti. While I have no interest in seeing Streisand, I am a big fan of Botti and have seen him perform several times. I told Shauna that she could pick out her seats and I would purchase the tickets. That’s the “sort of” part. I have never in my life paid as much for concert tickets as I paid for those Streisand seats! It was absolutely outrageous, and while the tickets I purchased were on the floor, they were far from the best seats in the house. Thankfully, her mom is a huge fan and I will happily offer my ticket to her, and even drive the two of them down to the Air Canada Centre to see the show. Shauna and her mom will appreciate that concert far more than I ever would. Jewelry is always a viable alternative, but this gift of music will be something unique: a memory that Shauna and her mom will share forever. When I grumble about the cost I keep hearing Shauna’s late brother whispering in my ear, something he said just before he passed on: “Don’t postpone joy!” At a time when fairly well all my disposable income is being poured into the long overdue completion of this house, giving Shauna the gift of music makes me very happy. To boot, I get brownie points with her mom.

This morning I read an interesting article in the NY Times entitled Raising the Ritalin Generation and it was about the author’s experiences with that drug and what she felt was its over use. Her eight-year-old boy was having trouble focusing in school and his teacher suggested he be tested for AD HD. Her point seemed to be that not enough attention is paid to the possible side effects, especially on a young child. While some children do in fact have severe attention deficit disorder, there are plenty who don’t and are prescribed the drug unnecessarily. The main thrust of the article seemed to be that in general, we are becoming or have become a society that looks for magic bullet solutions to complicated problems. This struck a nerve with me. Maybe the kid didn’t focus because he had a bad teacher, or because he was like every other energetic kid who would rather play outside than read about Magellan. We take pills to get erections, to put us to sleep, to wake us up, keep us from being depressed, or to counter the side effects of other pills with dubious effectiveness. One need only listen to the sometimes ludicrous laundry list of possible side effects in the fast-talking disclaimers to realize that something may be wrong here. May causing bleeding from every orifice in your body … if you feel like killing yourself or others, stop taking the drug … don’t take this drug if you drink water, eat meat, or use a cell phone, and on and on. My wife Shauna suffers from several chronic illnesses which cause her great discomfort. One of those illnesses, fibromyalgia, has been particularly debilitating. She has tried many drugs to provide her some relief, none which have been particularly helpful. There is drug being hyped on T.V. these days called Lyrica which professes to provide relief for fibromyaligia symptoms. If you want a laugh sometime, google it and read the page entitled “Lyrica is not for everyone.” Years ago, Shauna tried what I think was a similar drug that was widely recommended called Amitriptyline. Basically it was an anti-depressant and it did not help in any way. In fact, it made matters much worse. Shauna gained a lot of weight that was subsequently difficult to shed, the drug made her into a zombie, did nothing to relieve her pain, and she had to wean herself off it very slowly. It is still being prescribed and I wonder what the long term effects are. While pills can certainly improve our lives, caveat emptor, nothing comes for free.

Speaking of drugs that don’t help, have you read about the drug generally referred to as “bath salts”? As I understand it, bath salts is basically another synthetic designer drug similar in effect to the very destructive crystal meth which has metastasized in North America. Bath salts, of which there are many variations, was up until very recently legally available and sold in head shops and on the internet. It first came onto my radar when I heard about that guy in Miami who ate the face off another guy while reportedly high on bath salts. In my wildest fits of teenaged stupidity I was never tempted to sniff airplane glue and inhale spray deodorant. Of course turning one’s brain into lunchmeat is bad enough, but these bath salts apparently inspire psychotic, violent behavior as well. Give me some of that! Who wants to smoke a doob and curl up to Cat Stevens when you can crank up your The Flesh Eaters (yes, there is a band by that name) album, snort some “BS” and chow down on some face. Now you're talkin'! Scary stuff.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 8/13/12

Last Saturday I attended my fourth annual Western New York powerboat poker run in Buffalo. Because of the storms last weekend there was some concern they might call off the event, but come Saturday morning we fired up my friend’s vintage twin screw 1972 27’ Magnum Marine powerboat and headed up the Niagara River to the Erie Basin Marina to join 60 or more other boats in town for the run. Sadly, the open water portion of the run was cancelled because the threatening weather and the 5’-7’waves. While many of the boats in the run could have handled the rough seas, there was always the distinct possibility that one of those high performance behemoths would break down and the organizers felt it would be better to avoid the 20 mile run down the lake to Sunset Bay. Nobody wants to be dead in the water when the winds are gusting to 40mph and the sky is threatening rain and thunderstorms. In years passed, that open water portion of the run has typically been the most entertaining part of the ride.

Since I was a little boy, I have had a fascination with boating in rough water. I get tears of nostalgia when I remember my first little aluminum boat, later named The Raging African Queen (thank you renowned Buffalo artist Peter Stephens for taking it upon yourself to paint that horrible name on the transom of my boat with indestructible yellow Rust-o-leum), and the fun I used to have as a ten year old boy taking it out in rough weather. The trick was to keep the boat afloat until after I had cleared the breakers out past the sandbar, then to jump into the boat quickly, fire up the little Johnson 51/2 horsepower outboard and head out at just the right angle into the waves before the high winds could blow me sideways and sink or capsize the boat. I became quite good at it. Later, I did the same thing with my 13’ Boston Whaler, and most of the other boats I owned. The shallowest of all the Great Lakes, Lake Erie is particularly treacherous when small craft warnings are in effect. The chop tends to be steep and deep and misjudging it can easily be fatal. Davy Jones’ locker is full of drunken Western New York fishermen, trying to pee off the stern of their boat in high winds. During my ill spent young adulthood, I did some ridiculous things with and in The Raging African Queen. One choppy day we drove the approximately five miles from our summer home on Lake Erie over to Holloway Bay, on plane, standing on top of the seats, and steering the boat by leaning to the left and right. Another time, at night, with about seven people in the boat on one of our legendary booze cruises, we actually sunk the boat while driving along the shore. It wasn’t until the boat was completely underwater that I and my inebriated crew abandoned ship. I distinctly remember holding the transom of the boat up in shoulder deep water, probably with the motor still running, in order to keep the motor from submerging. While age and experience have somewhat tempered my horrific bad judgment, I am still prone to the occasional bout of unprecedented stupidity. One October day on Lake Ontario -- now in my 40s mind you --I attached the ignition kill switch to my belt and headed out in the open water looking for the perfect wave. Failing that I made the ill-considered commitment to jump the wake of a rather large passing naval ship. With the crew looking on, I hit that enormous wake at perhaps 15-20 knots before realizing I had made a serious mistake. My 20’ HydraSport was clearly not designed to leave the water, but leave the water it did. I suspect that from propeller to the water’s surface, I was around 3 feet off the water, and I remember waking up on the floor of the boat, on my back, engine stalled, hearing the crew members of the now distant navel vessel laughing uncontrollably at my stupidity. I am only on this earth to spread joy to the masses.

Renowned composer Marvin Hamlisch died last week at 68. The London Summer Olympics are over.  Civil war in Syria is escalating and the UN seems powerless to stem the violence. Kofi Anan, meet Neville Chamberlain. Nice job by the way, doing nothing. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could simply add something to the water supply that rendered men less aggressive? Mitt the twit Romney picked his running mate, the conservative Wisconsin Republican congressman Paul Ryan. Of course the Ryan is pro life and anti homo, two strikes against him in my book. He believes that the fetus enjoys full legal rights at conception … that is, of course, unless it is a homosexual. Pregnant moms beware, your unformed fetus may have retained an attorney. Law and Order: Fetal Justice. If Romney is to have chance in this election, he’d better focus a little more on state and a little less on church. By the way, it looks as if the mudslinging has started early this year, and both sides have come out swinging with their lies and innuendo. With the money those PAC bastards raise and spend on below-the-belt negative ad campaigning we could probably house a few million homeless Americans, maybe even cure cancer. Then again, what has politics ever had to do with helping people? Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 8/6/12

Almost every day for the past week we have been awakened to the sound of an excavator on our property. Four years after the construction of our house, we are finally getting around to cleaning up the grounds and to landscaping. We had boulders lying around the property from the original basement excavation and felled trees stacked along our driveway. Those trees like so much of the other construction debris were never removed from the property. Although everything is parched right now, it is important to consider and provide for proper drainage. Because we are at the bottom of a hill, water diversion is an important issue. When we get heavy rains, we need to ensure that runoff is diverted away from our and our neighbors’ properties. To that end, in our original site plan we included retention ponds and diversionary culverts along our driveway. We even put in a tile bed next to our house to capture runoff from the roof. Because of a particularly difficult next door neighbor, who caused us a great deal of aggravation and who managed to stir up unnecessary controversy among other much less affected neighbors, we ended up substantially overcompensating for potential drainage issues, at great expense to us. That same neighbor had, several years before our build enlisted our support to essentially double the size of improvements to his property, something that in retrospect seems far too generous of us. The good news is that, through the building process, we became better friends with our neighbors on the other side, who have been both understanding and patient with our construction. When all the earth moving is complete, we will finally have a much more presentable property. We have further plans to remediate some of the shortcomings of the original builder, but the big stuff will be soon over. If you are considering the construction of a custom round log home, I can certainly tell you what not to do. We broke ground in the Spring of 2007.

The other day I came across something interesting that I picked up and then forgot about when we were cleaning out Mom and Dad’s house. It was an old guest book and in it were brief testimonials to Harry Lehman, my maternal grandfather, founder and president of The Wildroot Company, Inc.. Wildroot was a Buffalo based manufacturer of hair tonic and other related products, and in its day, it was a big company. The occasion  for the guest book was some kind of national convention in Savannah, Georgia, and all the employees who attended wrote something in that book. I never knew my grandfather - I was perhaps three when he died - but my mom idolized him and filled me with all sorts of stories about what a great man he was. She told me that the door to his office was always open to any Wildroot employee, and that all the people who worked for him loved him and considered him a fair and decent boss. How often do we hear that about the big bosses today? I suppose he wasn't loved by everyone, still it was refreshing to read so many positive comments, some put in the form of creative limericks and poems. Of particular interest to me were some sketches I found in the middle of the book (see above photo). Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip L’il Abner had been employed by The Wildroot Co. Inc. to illustrate for one of its ad campaigns. I believe the ads involved his character Fearless Fosdick. Capp and my grandfather were friends and for years two framed sketches he’d done for Grampy hung in my childhood home. I still have the sketch of L’il Abner that Capp drew for my deceased sister Joanne, and my sister Jill has a sketch of Mammy Yokum that he drew for her. As I was paging through the guest book, I was surprised to see two sketches in it, one by Stu Hemple, a famous illustrator in his own right, who had worked for Capp, and the other by Al Capp himself. A little Antiques Roadshow moment for all of you. While I doubt these sketches are particularly valuable, they are priceless to me.

With the London Summer Olympics winding down, I have enjoyed watching the competitions. As always, the coverage on Canadian television is far better than that which is available Stateside. Outrageuos judging in the boxing competition! That guy from Azerbaijan should have been a clear loser after six knockdowns by the Japanese guy. Rock star Michael Phelps won twenty-two medals (18 of the gold), far exceeding what he needed to be the most medaled Olympian in history. Jamaica’s Usaine “Lightning” Bolt won gold in the men’s 100 metre dash, and boy was he fast. There was a lot of talk the other day about the disqualification of one of the Canadian horses in an equestrian event due to a controversial injury. At first I made fun of Canada’s first gold medal in these summer games (because after all, I am an ignorant yank), because it was in the trampoline event, but Rosie MacLennan's performance set me straight and made a believer out of me. All in all the Olympics were as entertaining as always, and in many ways a reminder that while governments continue to spin their political webs, their countrymen and women are often reflective of that which is decent and honorable in the human struggle. Nice to see that from time to time.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 7/31/12

How time flies. As I sometimes do, I went back in my files to read my report from the previous year, and a year ago today, I wrote that my mom was gravely ill and that I would not be posting for a few weeks. She passed within the next three weeks and there has been a lot of water under the bridge since that time. As Shauna’s parents are now in their late 80’s I once again prepare for the challenges we will face, balancing their desire for independence  with their increased needs for assistance. Sometimes reconciling the two is not a pleasant experience, either for the parent or the child.

The London Summer Olympic Games have begun, and last Friday we enjoyed the broadcast of the opening ceremonies. I particularly liked the depiction of early industrial London and the symbolic forging of the Olympic rings. Someone on the internet referred to it as leftist drivel, or something to that effect. I could have done without the sky littered with flying Mary Poppins, or the creepy giant inflatable baby, but that’s just me. One final comment on the opening ceremonies: I think it is time for Sir Paul McCartney to fade quietly into the night. While I love the music of the Beatles, and I think McCartney is a gifted songwriter, it’s enough already.

Of course, there have been the usual Olympic controversies, as there always are when the world is watching. There was the gate crashing woman in red seen marching with the Indian athletes in the opening ceremonies. In the “Oops!” department, we had the raising of the South Korean flag before the women’s football game between North Korea and Columbia. And once again the Olympic torch was under fire. During the Vancouver olympics people were upset because the torch was only visible from a distance, and from behind an ugly chain link security fence. Now, in London, one cannot even see the torch unless one is inside the stadium. Pyro that I am, I always love it when they light that torch. Fast forward over the marching athletes (hurry up Gabon!) and get on with the fire lighting event! London Mayor Boris Johnson assures us anybody can see the London flame, on T.V that is. One thing that has been on the news constantly over the past few days is the number of empty seats. I don’t know if it is no-shows who have paid or some booking screw up, but I think it would be better for everyone if the coordinators could figure out how to fill those seats, especially given the ill-conceived placement of the torch. Republican presidential candidate Mitt “The Twit” Romney put his foot in his mouth with his stupid Anglo Saxon heritage remarks and his ill-considered questioning of how well the London summer games will “work out.” Diplomacy is after all a part of the job, and if he can’t figure out how to positively spin an Olympic Games photo opportunity, perhaps he’s got a public relations problem. How does that old saying go: better to say nothing and look like a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt? All eyes were on over-hyped swimmer Michael Phelps, who did not even place in the 400 Meter individual medley, beat handily by teammate Ryan Lochte. Phelps did medal in the 400 Meter Freestyle relay, along with Lochte, and is I believe two medals away from an all time record. Lots of press about the American swimmers, but how about that French swimmer Yannick Agnel? I love it when the under-hyped shine. The Brits were favored to dominate the cycling competition, but Kazakhstan’s Alexandre Vinokourov won the gold in the men’s cycling road race, and I believe Columbia and Norway were silver ad bronze. Personally, my favorites are the gymnastics events, and I will make every effort to catch as many of those contests as possible.

While some of the Olympic tennis matches were rained out at Wimbledon, here in the Great White North we are still parched. I thought we were going to get some soaking rain today, but consulting my weather radar, I see that we are not going to get nearly as much as expected. Presently we are doing some long overdue landscaping on our property, and the approach to our house looks like a dust bowl. Today’s brief showers did something to hold down the dust but I fear it will be back soon. I heard on the news today that a local fireworks event was cancelled, for fear of sparking a catastrophic fire. My concern is “dry” lightning, because while we are getting no rain, there has been some lightning and thunder. I believe there was a fire in Algonquin Park last week, perhaps sparked by lightning.

Final note. I just finished Hitchen’s book God is Not Great, and as much as I agree with many of his points about the potential evils of religion, I still hold on to the slim hope of an afterlife. Mom, if you’re out there, I think about you every day. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 7/23/12

Late Thursday night in Aurora, Colorado, James Holmes, armed to the hilt and wearing head-to-toe bulletproof armor opened fire on unsuspecting theatre goers viewing the newly released Batman movie. About seventy victims were shot and twelve are dead. I could not believe the story about one unfortunate woman who, having survived a recent shooting spree in a Toronto mall, was killed in this latest Colorado rampage. Although police responded within minutes of being alerted, there was no way to prevent the massacre, once again begging the question, how do we stop this gun violence in America? I heard a stat on the news last night that for every American there’s a gun out on the streets, and a lot of them are illegal. The huge American gun lobby may be largely to blame, and I doubt the Founding Fathers anticipated internet sites like BulkAmmo.com, which allow anonymous customers to purchase thousands of rounds of ammunition with the click of a mouse. Yes, it seems obvious that we should make it harder for people to get and use guns, and some of the weapons available to the general “law-abiding” public are simply ridiculous, but even if we do tighten the gun control laws, will that change the culture of violence? We can make it harder to buy weapons, but where there’s a will there’s a way. Video games, increasingly violent movies, and the self-perpetuating sea of yellow journalism that reports the worst we have to offer all contribute and are indelibly woven into the fabric of our society. The question plaguing me is how do I make a difference? I’m pretty sure Washington is not going to help, because there’s too much money stacking the deck against common sense. If nothing changes, everyone will be packing heat and it will be the wild west. I saw an in-store surveillance video on the news the other night wherein an armed robber in a store was thwarted by an old man packing heat. The codger shot one of the would be robbers in the ass. We’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

And speaking of indignation over our broken democracy, have you seen the Warren Buffett’s “I-Could-End-The-Deficit-In-Five-Minutes” interview? It’s gone viral on the internet of late. I received an interesting email from one of my cousins the other day and I uncharacteristically forwarded it to twenty of my friends. Yes, I have 20 friends. Inspired by the comments of billionaire Warren Buffett, basically it was a call for sweeping reform in Congress. Google the Congressional Reform Act of 2011 if you want to learn more. We all know what the problem is. Such a sweeping reform is not likely to pass, but it just might send the right message if enough Americans put pressure on their lawmakers. No more tenure, no more pensions, no more preferential treatment: starting in 2012, all bets are off. Buffet’s strategy was to motivate Congress with the threat of expulsion. If the national deficit goes above 3% of the Gross Domestic Product, the entire Congress is ineligible for re-election. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but why shouldn’t they be subject to performance reviews?! That would go a long way towards ending the special interest strangle hold on America - might even stem the gun lobby - and it is about as likely to pass as Philandering Pizza Man’s 9-9-9 tax code. I suspect it’s pie-in-the-sky to presume we the people can rein in this monster, but we can certainly try! Screw the tea baggers, we need a genuine, non-partisan grassroots movement here.

I learned a new word the other day: whinging. That, apparently is a term some Britons use to describe low level complaining. For Londoners, whinging has turned to something a little stronger as they prepare for the imminent Summer Olympic Games. It seems as if every host of the Olympic Games, be it the summer or winter games, complains about the awful inconvenience and prohibitive expense of putting on this international show, and Londoners are no exception. Clearly, heightened security is the main culprit and I think one Londoner’s Tweet says it all: “It’s as if someone else is throwing a party in our house, with a huge entry fee, and we’re all locked in the basement.” Record rainfall is not helping matters, but no matter what the economic impact or challenges, the show must go on, and it always seems to. Perhaps they should consider staging these things in remote areas. Build it and they will come.

My sincere sympathies to all the families of the victims in Colorado last week. Maybe it takes a madman to remind the rest of us to love. It shouldn’t.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 7/16/12

In the past five years or so I’ve started to take better care of myself than I used to. I’ve cut down considerably on the bad things I put into my body- some of them anyway- and while I can’t say I’ve noticed much difference in my health, perhaps my gradual and inevitable decline has been somewhat slowed by my abstinence. Especially when I still lived in Buffalo I ate a lot of crap food - things like Buffalo style chicken wings, other deep fried foods, burgers, and pizza. Also, like many other Buffalonians, I drank quite a bit of alcohol. Up until about the age of 35 I generally didn’t give much consideration to the ill effects of my sometimes aberrant behavior. Marriage has a dampening effect on bad habits, because I now have a built in monitor reminding me that I’m killing myself, and that takes all the fun out of self abuse. Now I treat my body like a temple, albeit sometimes the Temple of Doom.

I won’t say I ever loved fast food, but occasionally I’ll succumb to the intoxication of hoovering a Big Mac in thirty seconds. About twenty of those thirty seconds is pure joy, especially when accompanied by a mouthful of those over-salted, reconstituted potato sticks they call fries. Of course, then comes the indigestion and the recurring question: “Why did I do this?” I also like the Wendy’s square burger (not the triple), and my favorite fast food burger is the butane-broiled Whopper. I also love onion rings, although the methane generated therein could probably heat my house. My favorite fast food is Mexican (speaking of methane) and Buffalo’s own Mighty Taco is, bar none, my all time favorite Mexican fast food. I watched that company grow from a couple of locations back in the early 70s to the rather large local franchise it is today and I, like many other Buffalonians, am fiercely proud if this Buffalo success story. There is better Mexican fast food (Burro Burrito in Toronto comes to mind), but every time I bite into a Super Mighty Taco, it reminds me of my glorious 20s. Back in my partying years there were only two locations and one of them was right down the street from a bar I used to frequent. The experienced drinker realizes that it is essential to have a 24-7 food source within crawling distance of one’s watering hole. Mighty Taco always had creative advertising, and in the early days their ads were downright rude. When the Great Satan, Taco Bell, tried to overtake the Buffalo market, locals voted with their wallets, and within five years Taco Bell was all but driven out.

Over the past week I have dined at three fast food restaurants in Huntsville, and I have several observations. First of all, I never cease to be amazed by the amount of waste generated in one fast food meal. I suppose it’s better than it used to be (i.e more biodegradable packaging, less Styrofoam), nevertheless there’s a lot to throw away after a meal. Secondly, fast food is no bargain. Subway had the best value, and I got out of there for about $6.50 all in with the soup combo. By the way, how did Subway come up with the monkey for a mascot? What about a monkey connotes “eating fresh?” And what happened to the slim spokesman Jared, did he get fat again? Subway boasts healthful options, and my low sodium soup and egg salad sub was probably marginally better for me than some other fast food. My second fast food adventure was at Mr. Sub, and that was technically my cheapest meal. I got out of there for about $6.00, but their meatball sub gave me gas, and the Subway combo meal provided substantially more food. Finally, I had a “Bistro Chicken Sandwich Combo” at McDonalds the other day, and it cost me about $8.50. McDonalds is trying to change their image as purveyors of unnutritious food, but there’s still plenty of crap on the menu, and there were a lot of obese people eating there. Apart from the waste and the lack of nutritional value, I guess the thing that bothers me most about fast food is the expense. I think I’m going to go back to my preferred alternative when I want to eat on the fly: I’ll go to the supermarket and pick up a sandwich at the deli counter. It’s a better deal.

Finally, will it be The Grapes of Wrath 2012? Welcome to the Dust Bowl, as the now notorious 2012 drought sparks wildfires and decimates crops in the farm belt of the U.S. I’m beginning to see the results in the supermarkets. My first clue was that the corn coming up from the states was tiny, and expensive. I expect this will extend to other produce in the near future. Right now, there is an extreme fire alert in our community, and I’m told we need a week’s worth of soaking rain to make up for this drought, with only spotty showers in the forecast. Time to do the dance and pray. Heaven forbid I should pay even more for my fast food.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 7/9/12

I love to read the comments posted by readers on the CNN website. Responding to the stories about the latest heat wave to hit the U.S., people weighed in on the largely political debate over climate change. On top of the hugely entertaining flame fest and personal attacks, what was fascinating to me is how many people still believe that mankind is single-handedly responsible for climate change. Admittedly, climate change is a real and serious threat, but from what I’m reading, it’s cyclical. If we kept weather records dating back a few centuries we might see some patterns emerge. No doubt the burning of fossil fuels contributes, the question is, how much? If you want an interesting alternative take on climate change, one that in my opinion is every bit as convincing as the one put forth by the manatee from Georgia, read Bjorn Lomberg’s Cool It: The Skeptical Environmentalists Guide to Global Warming. I was given the book by my nephew who works at NOAA, and who has inspired my disdain for bad weather science. Lomberg’s contention is that the preponderance of scientific misinformation is steering us to bad decisions. He maintains that if we stopped spending the billions  we’re wasting on ineffective, band aid solutions to climate change and re-directed it to research and development, adaptation, and better policy decisions, we’d be much more effective at addressing this problem.

I’m reading two books right now and they are at opposite ends of the spectrum as far as content. On the deep end I have just begun Christopher Hitchens’ atheist manifesto God is Not Great, which should prove to be an interesting read. Having recently read an article comprised of post mortems by Hitchens’ friends and colleagues (he recently died after a long battle with cancer), I was intrigued by the level of respect this man commanded. I always enjoyed listening to the deadpan and somewhat acerbic Hitchens when he was interviewed on talk shows, and while I didn’t agree with everything he said, his views on religion were not far from mine. For the porcelain throne I have Neil Pasricha’s The Book of Even More Awesome. The latter is a stop-and-smell-the-roses list of things in every day life we should remember to enjoy. I have a black belt in negativity and struggle on a regular basis to find contentment in my charmed life. While I can’t stand the much-overused word “awesome,” and while it may seem silly to revel in the joy of popping bubble wrap, or listening to the sound of snow crunching under one’s boots on a cold winter night, the message is a good one. I make a point of reading at least a couple passages per day to remind myself not to be such a boorish oaf. I‘ll let you know how that works out for me. Don’t hold your breath.

Over one hundred are dead as heavy rains walloped in Southern Russia. About 11 inches fell in a short period of time, and the torrent caused flash floods along the Black Sea coast. Fearless leader Putin has been encouraging development in the region ahead of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Sochi, and there has been speculation that perhaps irresponsible development contributed to the high number of casualties. They paved paradise, put up a parking lot. Also in the news: actor Ernest Borgnine died Sunday at the age of 95.

OK, this just in from Jasper Bark Lodge … we were about to retire tonight (Sunday) and our dog Jasper ran to the picture window. I figured she was going to scream at one of the countless wild creatures that inhabit our property at night, but that wasn’t what captured her attention. She was looking up at the top of our curtains and growling. I looked up and there was a flying squirrel IN THE HOUSE staring down at me. Of course, Shauna immediately freaked out, and Jasper just kept growling softly. Some ratter she turned out to be! She’s very brave when the animals are on the other side of the window, but somehow her hunting skills evaporate when a genuine threat materializes. I tried to catch it with a butterfly net. Don‘t laugh, it was handy, and I wasn’t expecting to need my flying squirrel artillery! I almost got it, but it was just a little too quick for me. It scampered across the floor and ran underneath one of the ten pieces of furniture where it could hide. I’ve eliminated a few of these things now and they are not easy to catch. For some reason they don’t trip the live trap. I won’t use poison because of the dog, and because it’s inhumane, so I’m down to the pellet gun or the rat trap. I don’t think using a pellet gun would be wise in a house full of glass, but we have a 27’ vaulted ceiling in the living room, and it could be anywhere.

It is now 3A.M. and I just heard the trap snap. 3:15A.M... I have disposed of the problem rodent and can now go to sleep knowing the little bastard is not perched on one of our beams scoping us out. Living in the country is not for sissies.  Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 7/2/12

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian readers. As the Fourth of July approaches, I once again pine for the good old days when I could procure M-80s the old-fashioned way, from a little old lady in a pickup truck behind the Wal-Mart. M-80s were the real deal, and they're getting harder and harder to come by.These days the illegal firecrackers sound like toy gun caps. We’re back in the Great White North after spending the weekend in Toronto. Just as most Torontonians headed up to cottage country for the Canada Day long weekend, we came down to the big city to attend a concert (Chris Botti) and to reunite with one of Shauna’s long lost cousins. Saturday, Shauna did not feel up to braving the sweltering heat, so I ventured out on my own and ended up in the middle of a lesbian festival over on nearby Church St. Dykefest 2012 or whatever they called it (seriously, it was something like that) is part of the annual Gay Pride celebration in Toronto, and judging by the two times I‘ve attended, they’re quite entertaining ... I mean the festival in general, not the dykes. Much the same as Carnival is a spectacle, the Gay Pride celebrations in Toronto are usually something to behold. This year I saw some terrific street dancing, a rather good transvestite singer imitating disco divas, and yes, a naked lady covered in body paint walking around on stilts. It had to be in the high 80s and I felt bad for all the people wearing leather.

Last week Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek suffered a mild heart attack, but he‘s OK. I can’t imagine anyone else hosting Jeapardy!, can you? Wildfires continue to burn out of control in Colorado and hundreds of homes have been destroyed. One human interest story really kicked me in the pants. There was a segment on a grandmother who had recently lost her daughter, and then shortly thereafter her son-in-law as well. She had just taken in her daughter’s four orphaned boys and then , to add insult to injury, lost her house in this wildfire. Some people really can’t catch a break. Meanwhile people sympathize with some lady getting harassed on a bus in some YouTube video and, thanks to viral nature of the Internet and some creative fundraising, she’s $640,000 richer. Give the money to that grandmother! Lance Armstrong has again been accused of doping. Make up your mind, is he doping or not? Italy got trounced by Spain 4-0 in the Euro 2012 soccer finals. We got out of Toronto before the game was over, because we were afraid of the traffic jams we’d have to endure had Italy won. I was in Toronto when Italy won the World Cup many years ago and traveled down to Little Italy to participate in the celebration. The Italian community went crazy. Big storms last week down in the Mid-Atlantic states left over a million people without power. My nephew and his family lives in Virginia and their power was out for several days. Speaking of power outages, I’m concerned about our over taxed power grid. If we continue to get the hot weather we’ve been having here in the Northeast, and demand for power continues to remain high, it could be lights out. It happened years ago and we were stranded in our Toronto high rise apartment for three days. I was fortunate enough to get some water in our bathtub before the water pumps went out. That gave us about fifteen flushes. Up here in the GWN we have a 17 kilowatt propane generator (which by the way sucks a lot of gas when it kicks in) because the power goes out so frequently up here.

For all my friends Stateside, Happy Fourth of July. Try not to blow off any important digits, limbs, or other extremities.

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/25/12

Do you use a GPS in your daily travels? My wife Shauna has been trying to get me to use one now for three or four years, and I still prefer a decent map. The best GPS I owned was my first, an enormous Garmin, and it was Bluetooth enabled. The reason it was so big was that it had a great speaker. By the way, how did someone come up with Bluetooth as a term for wireless? I’ve got a new term I’ll call “Browntooth.” If something is Browntooth capable, that means it is codger friendly. I used that big GPS mainly as a hands free device for my cell phone and it worked fine. Infrequently I used it for navigation, usually if I was trying to get home from some unfamiliar location. Sadly it broke, probably because the suction cup which held it to the windshield kept letting go. After it dropped on the dashboard about forty times, it finally ceased to function. I have yet to find one of those windshield mounts that works properly, and the GPS always drops off when I’m least prepared to deal with it, frequently while I’m driving in traffic. I have owned two GPS devices since that first Garmin and both have been completely unsatisfactory. The problem I have with GPS devices is the problem I have with all new technology. Designed to make our lives easier, it often does just the opposite. My wife will spend an average of three minutes programming hers to guide her to a destination she should know by heart, only to discover that the location does not exist, because she has not performed the necessary, ongoing, and often time-consuming computer map updates. Don’t even get me started on the software glitches involved with that annoying task. Currently I own a TomTom and it might be the worst electronic device I have ever owned. This thing makes a salad shooter look indispensable. First of all, it is decidedly not Browntooth capable (i.e. codger friendly); requiring four or five steps on multiple screens (they all use touch screens, which I find annoying) to accomplish simple functions. Secondly, it malfunctions constantly. The latest problem is that it will not turn on. Even when it is plugged into an electrical source, it will not stay on, indicating to me the inaccessible rechargeable battery is kaput. When it did work, the most maddening glitch was that its Bluetooth (hands free) function periodically went haywire. Sometimes I’d be using the speaker function and the thing would go nuts, sounding a bit like a audio CD that is skipping. When this happened, it froze like a computer, and I could not even turn down the volume. This of course is horribly distracting when one is barreling down the highway at 65MPH. I think one day soon I will videotape myself batting this device into oblivion with my Louisville Slugger, and then post the video on YouTube. The catharsis will be worth every penny of it’s vastly depreciated value, and I‘ll wager other disgruntled codgers will empathize. As I said, give me a can with a string and a map.

June 20 has come and gone, and the first day of summer was a scorcher. Celsius is confusing to me; give me the real temperature. I’ve grown up with Fahrenheit readings and it’s all I understand. Multiply by this and divide by that and add 32 … that’s too much work for me. We’ve had a lot of crazy pop up thunderstorms up here in the GWN, with deluges of rain. Last Thursday there were damaging winds throughout Ontario. Down the road from us someone reported car-damaging hail. Last week I had our snowplow guy Harvey come by to fell some of our dead trees. With the winds we’ve been experiencing, it‘s just a matter of time before one of them falls over our driveway. The guy is over 70 and he can fell and cut up a tree in about the time it takes me to start my chainsaw. They grow ‘em tough up here.

In the news, former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky was convicted last week of 45 counts of sexual abuse on young men. It amazes me that so many complaints went unaddressed for so many years, but I guess nobody wants to mess with a winning football team. Somehow the defense argument that all his victims were looking for some kind of windfall did not fly with the jury, and Sandusky will likely spend the rest of his life in prison. I give him six months in the general prison population before some vigilante gives him a mortal “wedgey.” Nobody likes a child molester. Mohamad Morsi of the Muslim Brotherhood is the new president of Egypt, and it will be fascinating to see how the balance of power shifts in that country. The Arab Spring might be over and it could be a long hot summer. And Syria just shot down a Turkish jet, increasing tensions in the Middle East. Final weather note: Will Debby do Dallas? Tropical Storm Debby is dumping copious amounts of rain on the Gulf Coast, but is it headed for Texas as a much bigger storm? Perhaps my next GPS will be able to tell me. Tyuh!

　



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RSERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/18/12

First order of business. In this report I have frequently referred to myself as the “Muse of Misinformation,” because I rarely fact check my sources. In a recent report I spoke of an email I received from a friend indicating that Mr. Rogers had been a Navy Seal. Apparently this is far from the truth, and one of my Twelve Loyal Readers set me straight. The email about Rogers was an urban myth, and apparently, Rogers never even served in the military. I’m not sure about Lee Marvin and Bob Keeshan. I guess I should know better by now, because I have fallen prey to these internet myths before. Cass Elliott from the Mamas and the Papas did not choke to death on a ham sandwich, either. There are entire websites devoted to debunking urban myths and internet prevarication. I remember years ago receiving a video which appeared to show corn kernels being popped by the microwave radiation from cell phones. That too was smoke and mirrors. Of course this is just another reminder to me that one cannot always trust the information one receives. While held to somewhat higher standards, the news media makes mistakes as well. I have often heard or read “facts” about some breaking news story which ultimately turn out to be completely wrong. And “the truth” as reported by CNN and Fox News is likely to be vastly different. If anyone treated this weekly nonsense like a hard news I’d be amused, because I’m more moron than Morrow. Just so we‘re clear.

Regarding this week’s picture, last summer I wrote an article about the experience of being attacked by seagulls, and it happened again last weekend. Putting about in my little dingy while exploring a rock island near our house, I heard the familiar war cry, and before I knew it, two seagulls were playing Kamikaze with my boat. As happened last year, they were protecting their newborn chicks, and this time I had my camera handy to shoot a good picture of the chicks. They looked pretty new. I’m no fan of seagulls, but these chicks were so ugly they were cute.

In the news there were out-of-control wildfires in Colorado, floods in Florida, more bloody conflict in Syria (are we calling it a civil war yet?), and of course Prince Philip’s bladder infection, but last Friday night the big story was Nik Wallenda. Heir to the throne of the famous Flying Wallendas, and grandson of Karl Wallenda, who plunged to his death while performing a high wire stunt in Puerto Rico back in the 70s, Nik thrilled millions of watchers as he walked the high wire across Niagara Falls. While many have gone over the falls in various contraptions, some not so successfully, this was history in the making. According to an article I read in the National Post - and again, I have not checked the facts elsewhere - nine people have walked across the Niagara Gorge on a high wire (none since 1896). One guy allegedly did it with a washing machine strapped to his back and when he got to the middle, did a load of laundry ... I’m serious, that’s what the article said! Hey, I read it on the internet, it must be true. Too bad there was no video back then. I think Wallenda is the first to cross the Horseshoe Falls. I watched the whole show Friday night, including the two hour build up recounting the top twenty daredevil stunts. Hey, give me a break, we’re into summer repeats. I couldn’t believe some of the stunts I watched. One guy on a dirt bike jumped to the top of a ten storey building using a giant ramp, then dropped back down onto another ramp to ground level. Another guy in a wing suit jumped off a cliff in China and flew through a narrow tunnel. That guy had previously had a serious crash, so that stunt was all the more hair-raising. Still another thrill seeker strapped himself to a jet propelled wing contraption and flew in formation with other jets. And I think I’m being brave when I put extra jalapenos on my taco.

For me, the strangest part about Friday’s high wire stunt was to listen to Wallenda talking to the media while he was in the middle of the stunt. The guy is straddling a high wire, facing swirling winds and heavy precipitation, and there he was talking about the special high wire shoes his mother made for him. Apart from the daunting challenge of actually doing the stunt, Wallenda faced an uphill battle just getting the necessary permission to proceed. It took him around two years to obtain approval from the U.S. and Canadian authorities, and about $1.3 Million to pull the stunt off. There was much discussion about the various challenges he faced, including the potential for a Peregrine falcon attack (I hear they’re even worse than seagulls). I think Nik Wallenda wins this week’s Tenacious Daredevil Award. Funambulist - a new word for my vocabulary.

And for future reference, I don't mind when my readers correct me. It means someone is actually reading this weekly report and, in my opinion, it is an honor to be read.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RSERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/11/12

I seem to spend a lot of time in this blog raging against the machine, and more specifically against the relentless march of technology. I suppose I‘m just turning into a grumpy old man, but I do seem to spend an inordinate amount of my free time trying to get some confounded electronic device or another to operate correctly. The other day, on my drive into Huntsville I had two different cell phone problems. As required by law, I use the hands free features on the phone, but while en route it simply stopped working. I pulled over and spent ten minutes simply trying to get my stupid (smart) phone to turn on. I must have inadvertently pushed something and now the phone would turn on and then immediately shut itself off. Then the Bluetooth stopped communicating with the speaker in the car, and that seems to be an ongoing problem having to do with my very disappointing Tom Tom GPS. After another fifteen minutes of fiddling around with that piece of crap, it began to operate properly on its own. There seems to be the obligatory half hour of time spent every day fiddling with some software glitch or malfunctioning hardware. While I concede that most of my problems fall into the category of “operator error,” some of this electronic stuff is just not user friendly. They should have a special section of Consumer Reports devoted to Codger Friendly electronics. Just give me a can with a long string.

While I do grumble incessantly about technology, there are some pretty cool things one can do on the computer today. The other day, Shauna wanted to see where a newly discovered relative lives in Ontario, and she, who is much more inclined to embrace new technology than I, consulted the new and improved Google Earth. For the three of you out there who may still not have heard of this internet feature, Google Earth is a satellite function which enables the user to beam in on any point on planet earth, simply by punching in a location. I have glided over the mountains of Palm Springs, California in a failed attempt at nostalgia (I did not recognize a thing and it seems the city has changed a bit in the past 50 years), and taken an aerial tour of the coast of S. Africa. I have not used this feature in a few years and they’ve improved it immensely in that time. I read somewhere that the technology is so advanced that now there are privacy issues. Finally, I can find out what’s been going on at Area 51!

Spain got her bailout, except we’re not calling it a bailout, it’s an investment in solvency. What a surprise, the stock market rallied. Every time we loan someone $125 Billion that seems to happen. Ireland and Greece weren’t too happy about this latest Euro bailout though; I think they were actually required to be accountable for the money they were loaned. Parts if the Florida Panhandle and coastal Alabama are underwater after heavy rains hit the area, with three to six more inches of rain expected in the forecast. We’ve been having a lot of weird pop up thunderstorms up here in the GWN, including a little golf ball sized hail and a funnel cloud not from our house. The LA Kings won their first Stanley Cup tonight beating the NJ Devils decisively (6-1) in Game 7. And how many years has Toronto failed to even make the playoffs?

　

　

　

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/5/12

Last Monday was Memorial Day as you all know, and one of my military friends, a colonel who had been one of the excellent nurses we had caring for my parents, sent me an interesting email. The heading read “Why Mr. Rogers Wore a Sweater” and it went on to describe three unlikely war heroes. The first was actor Lee Marvin, who had served honorably in WWII, the next was Bob Keeshan, A/K/A Captain Kangaroo, and the third and most unlikely hero was Bob “Mr. Rogers” Rogers. Apparently, years before he became the gentle and kind children’s television character, Mr. Rogers was a Navy Seal, specially trained in hand to hand combat! According to what I read, Rogers had 25 enemy kills to his credit. The reason he always wore long sleeves was to hide his wartime tattoos. Who knew Mr. Rogers was a badass? Anyhow, there is a very good reason we celebrate Memorial Day; one I so often overlook. I thank all the people who have put their lives on the line so that I may enjoy living in a free country.

In the news last week, chalk one up for the Free World. Charles Taylor, ex-president of Liberia was sentenced to 50 years in prison for war crimes he committed against neighboring Sierra Leone. The guy practically invented the term “blood diamonds,” and among his countless other atrocities, he is accused of forcing young children to become murderous soldiers. Flat picking bluegrass legend Arthel “ Doc” Watson died at 89 of complications from colon surgery last week in is home state of N. Carolina. I’d never listened to Doc Watson before but just downloaded one of his later albums. It’s a little too hillbilly for me, but the guy could pick. There was a destructive earthquake in Northern Italy, Syrian diplomats were expelled from 11 Western countries in response to the latest massacre in Houla, and Mitt Romney cinched the Republican nod, to nobody’s surprise. Canada is back in the news with the story of that creepy guy in Montreal. Did you hear about this Luka Magnotta guy? He ice-picked his boyfriend to death, filmed and posted the murder on the internet, then cut the victim up and mailed the body parts to various government officials. He may not be Jeffrey Dahmer, but he gets an honorable mention. Today he was finally apprehended in Berlin. But the big story: Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 60 years as reigning Monarch England. I watched a bit of the festivities on Sunday, because there was boating involved. It was the mother of all flotillas. A thousand boats representing the 16 Commonwealth nations motored by the Royal family on the River Thames as the Royals waved enthusiastically in the heavy rain from the Spirit of Chantwell, A/KA The Royal Barge. Twisted soul that I am, it occurred to me that if someone had an RPG, they might have taken out the whole Royal Family with one shot. Chow Britannia. I give the old girl credit, she and the ailing Prince Philip stood through the four hour marine event, and that could not have been easy. Of course this Diamond Jubilee is a big deal. I’ll bet Elton John will rewrite yet another one of his songs.

I can’t believe Mr. Rogers was a Navy Seal. I’ve got a picture of him somewhere wearing a bathing cap in the pool. It just goes to show, you can’t judge a Seal by his cardigan.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 5/27/12

As I write this week’s report, I am anxiously awaiting the delivery of a piece of furniture which has been dear to me my entire life. In our family beach house, just a fifteen minute drive from Buffalo on the Canadian shore of Lake Erie, there sat a unique dining room table. I think it has been in our family for over 65 years. Made of oak, it has expanding roll top ends, very similar to the top cover of a roll top desk. The table expands with a crank and I am told it is extremely rare. To me it is priceless, because it served as the dinner table for four generations of my family. My then very mischievous Uncle Harry used to crank it in while dinner guests were at the table, causing their plates to fall into their lap. There is an amusing story that my mom used to tell about that table. My maternal grandfather, Harry Lehman Sr., then owner of the beach house, was vacationing in Palm Springs, California. On one of his daily walks he came upon a shabbily dressed, dischevaled man working out in the front yard of a very large and impressive estate. He assumed the man was a groundskeeper, and my grandfather, who loved talking to just about anybody, struck up a conversation with the man. Soon they were fast friends and when the man asked my grandfather to come in for a glass of lemon-aid, my grandfather asked. “Won’t your boss mind?“ The guy replied, “I am the boss.“ When Grampy went inside, he was surprised to see the exact same expandable oak table that he had in the dining room of his summer home. He mentioned this to his host and the man seemed incredulous. He told my grandfather that there were four of these tables in all of North America, perhaps all of the world, and that it was too great a coincidence that a man he'd just met by chance should have one of the other three. Grampy assured him he did, and the next time that man was back East, visiting Niagara Falls with his brother, he made a special trip to my grandfather’s summer home to see the double.

For years I have been consulting The News of the Weird for some of my stranger news stories and the other day I read one that made me belly laugh. It seems that there is an unusual Spring tradition in Dongyang, China. Every year around this time the town anxiously awaits the arrival of a local delicacy: “Virgin Boy Eggs.” For centuries it has been the town tradition to boil eggs in the fresh urine of little boys, preferably boys under the age of ten, then to eat them in the belief that this will bring good health, renewed energy, and prosperity. Hmmm. Banff has her hot springs, Dongyang has its eggs boiled in the urine of little boys. Take your pick. While I concede that there are many things to be learned from the wisdom of Eastern medicine, perhaps this is not one of them. Then again, who am I to say?

By now I’m sure you’ve heard at least something about the scandal in the U.S over Secret Service agents hiring prostitutes down in South America. Now it appears the scandal is spreading. Some DEA agents are now accused of hiring Columbian prostitutes, suggesting that this is a bigger national security issue than originally thought. One DEA guy said, “hey I thought I was just getting a massage.” Yeah, yeah, and the dog ate your homework. I like it when I can see my tax dollars at work. Last week tech giant Hewlett Packard announced it will cut 27,000 jobs from its payroll, Bee Gee Robin Gibb died (so much for "stayin' alive"), and tropical storm Beryl bears down on the East Coast, promising to be a significant rain event....

But the big news is,  my table has arrived, and it boy does it look good in this house!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 5/21/12

Today I begin this report with a mini rant about contractors. There is a reason why shows like Holmes on Homes are so popular. Over the past five years we’ve had the occasion to use a lot of different contractors in the building of our house, and one thing I can say from my experience is that there are more bad ones than good ones. It seems especially true up here in the Great White North; there are some real flakes up here passing themselves off as pros. In my opinion plumbers top the list on the flake scale. We had a guy do some major plumbing work on the old cottage, and when we needed him back to fix a deficiency, we found out he’d skipped town owing half the community money. The guy who installed most of the plumbing in the new home, hired by our general contractor, was completely and utterly unreliable. He’d start a job and walk away for weeks, holding up all the other trades reliant on the completion of his work. Single handedly he sabotaged our building project and cost us a lot of time and money. I’m told he had an alcohol problem. A few months after he had disappeared for good, we found out just how much he’d done wrong or failed to do altogether. For example, he reversed the hot and cold on a one of the showers and simply forgot to install most of the cutoff valves in the basement. What I am learning, slowly, and especially since we moved to the Great White North, is that when we do find a good tradesman, we are quick to pay our bill, and we treat them like foreign dignitaries. Luckily, we’ve had a great carpenter from the beginning, and he has introduced us to some other good subs. I’ve heard from more than one resident up here that the good contractors do not need to advertise, because they are busy enough by word of mouth. Indeed we could keep several trades busy for a year or two with all the mistakes made by the others.

Last Thursday I picked up my boat from the marina, complete with its new Evinrude ETEC 200 HP outboard motor, new steering cables, and a new depth finder. It was a frosty 50 degrees F when I picked it up, but I bundled up and took it for a long ride over to the big lake. This is my first marine upgrade in 23 years and there have been significant improvements in outboard technology in that time. These days a lot of people buy four stroke engines (gas only) because they tend to run cleaner, but the new 2 strokes are much improved in this regard, and much lighter than comparable four strokes. We’ll see how the new power plant fares after a few seasons, but so far I’m impressed. Fuel injection ensures it starts right up and it is quiet as a sewing machine at low idle. The most significant improvement is that it is much faster off the line. This week I’ll check it out with the GPS to see what its top end is. I suspect it’s a little slower than the old 225HP, but then again, I’m a little slower than I was 23 years ago. My motto used to be “when in doubt, overpower,” but I’m no longer as intoxicated by speed and power as I used to be. These days I’m more interested in reliability and longevity.

Disco diva Donna Summer died last week at 63 after a battle with cancer. She was the Lady Gaga of her day, and though I despised disco at the time, I liked some of her music. She worked hard for the money. Facebook went public last week raising $16 Billion in it’s IPO, the largest ever initial public offering by a US technology company. Should I buy in at $38 per share? I think I’ll leave that to my financial advisor to sort out. I thought “Flutie Flakes” were a good investment, and now have a closet full of stale cereal. Founder Mark Zuckerberg married Priscilla Chan, his companion of the last nine years. What, no pre-nup?

This past week was a momentous one for Shauna‘s family. Her father’s brother had a lot of problems and died of misadventure many years ago. Because of his problems, he never got to know his three children from two failed marriages. For various reasons the ex-wives cut all ties with the Taylor family, and those kids were never given the opportunity to know Shauna’s dad, or their paternal grandparents. I think that’s very sad. It’s a long and complicated story, but the ending is that last Saturday two of those three children met in Toronto at the home of Shauna’s parents, and there was a very happy reunion. A brother and a sister from two marriages had never met, and in fact did not know until recently that they were related. We brought family photographs and old home movies, and although they never got to know their father, they now have an opportunity to know his brother, and some of the mysteries of their past can now be revealed. Vicariously, I eat this stuff up. Shauna has been in contact with the third sibling and will likely meet him in the near future. Life is full of surprises!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 5/14/12

We’ve had an electrician at our house for a few days last week. He’s been wiring our pump house and arranging for us to re-use a water pump and pressure tank left over from the old cottage. We will use this secondary pump for irrigation, car washing, etc., because we don‘t need water purified through our indoor filtration system to power wash the house. Years ago, this electrician did a lot of work with a big wrecking company in Toronto, and whenever an old building was demolished, he salvaged some of the discarded electrical fixtures. Over the years he has collected some beautiful things and the other day he brought some of them over for us to inspect. We bought four very unique hanging lights for the house, and they have particular meaning to the Taylor family. Shauna’s mom and dad were good friends with Morty Tepperman, one of the principals of that wrecking company, and the lights we bought came directly out of a building down off Front Street, originally built by Consumers Gas Company, and where the Tepperman wrecking company used to have their yard. The electrician had been holding on to these light fixtures for over 25 years, and thought they might look good in our house. He was right, because our house is full of unusual fixtures and furniture. Lately strange coincidences have come up and Shauna and especially her mom believe that it means long lost friends are trying to make contact. There’s a story my mother-in-law likes to tell about her friend Morty Tepperman. He died long before his time from a heart attack, and the Taylors were deeply saddened by the loss. Shauna’s mom was in the hospital for some reason and Morty went to visit her. He brought her some roses, but when he got to the hospital, she had already been released. He died within the next day and never had a chance to deliver the roses. The next Spring, a rose sprung up in Ethel’s garden where no rose was planted. She figures that it was Morty making his presence known.

If you follow this blog you may have noticed that last winter I posted a picture of myself hugging a very large outboard motor at the Toronto Boat Show. While this may have seemed an unusual display of affection to my twelve loyal readers, that wasn’t just any outboard motor; it was the new motor I’d just purchased for my fishing boat. Some time in the next several days I will pick the boat up at our marina rigged with that new outboard, new steering cables, new seat cushions, and a working depth finder (finally). Call it my nautical extreme makeover. I had owned the original Yamaha outboard for over 20 years and while it served me faithfully, the time had come time to trade it in. The old beast was not particularly fuel efficient, it smoked like a chimney, and was extremely hard starting in cold weather. The new motor, although also a 2 stroke (oil and gas are mixed together for fuel) promises to be both fuel efficient, cleaner running, and easy to start. I love power boating, and I look forward to logging some quality time in the new and improved craft.

I believe I may have finally solved the how-to-keep-my-newly-required-eyeglasses-from-disappearing conundrum, and you can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. I’m having trouble getting used to the fact that I need to wear glasses now for reading, and I often forget to carry them with me. This in turn causes me to curse and complain incessantly, annoying anyone around me. It's  becoming a bigger and bigger problem, as I become blinder by the minute. I can’t stand those things that hang loosely around my neck and attach to my glasses, and every time I bend over they drop off. Same goes for my shirt pocket or just about anywhere else I keep them. I have 20 pairs of dollar store glasses lying around all over the house, but they’re never there when I need them. Today, while we were in purchasing Shauna’s new glasses, I noticed the owner of the store wearing unusual reading glasses, that actually split in half at the nose piece. They re-connect with a magnet and, when not in use, wrap around my neck. I bought a pair and they may do the trick. At least they don’t fall off when I bend over. I still don’t like having to keep reading glasses on my person, but this may be a tolerable solution.

If you thought the financial fallout was a thing of the past, guess again. Last week investment giant JP Morgan Chase announced a $2 Billion loss resulting from some bad risk assessment. Oops. While Greece and Spain teeter on the brink of insolvency, threatening to take the rest of Europe with them, and the North American “recovery” is stuck in first gear, this kind of news isn’t encouraging. Looks like Biff might not be getting that new BMW for graduation after all. What we need is a healthy infusion of denial on Wall Street, just like the good old days.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 5/7/12

As Spring peeks through the grey clouds of the past week, I notice that we have some new visitors out on our lake. Two baby loons have taken up residence in the waters near our house and this makes me happy. With their beautiful markings and melodious call, loons are probably my favorite local birds. Unlike the noisy over population of Canadian geese, who honk incessantly and leave their piles of crap everywhere, loons are a welcome addition to our lake. They seem to thrive here, unlike some of the other lakes up here overrun with “personal watercrafts.” Apparently, the wakes from jet skis are tough on baby loons. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m acting like Katherine Hepburn in On Golden Pond. I have one thing to say you. Pooh! I’ve become a bird lover, which is something I never thought I‘d become. On the other hand, I am not a squirrel lover. Last week I received my “Yard Sentinel,” the latest in my so far ineffective arsenal of rodent-busting weapons. In my never ending squirrel eradication campaign, I am desperately grasping at all straws. The Yard Sentinel is an electronic device designed to emit an ultrasonic noise bothersome to rodents. I set it for the proper frequency, plugged it in a placed it out in the yard, but I think the f-ing thing is attracting them. It certainly isn’t not driving them away. And while I was expecting it to emit some inaudible high pitched sound, it makes noises like predatory birds. I could do that. No more Mr. Nice Guy, it’s time for Plan B. I’ll let you know what Plan B is when I figure it out.

Believe it or not, I have a big problem with animal abuse of any sort. In truth, I wouldn’t knowingly make even a squirrel suffer. A friend of ours down in Florida named Lois used to take in retired race horses and rehabilitate them, after which she placed them in good homes. It was a difficult job, because it was expensive (she barely made enough to cover her expenses), She had no help, and it was emotionally and physically taxing. Some of those horses had been badly abused. My mom and dad were avid equestrians but not big fans of horse racing, specifically because of the mistreatment of some of the animals. They felt many thoroughbreds were raced too young, before their bones were fully developed, and this caused sometimes fatal accidents. Last week I read a disturbing article in the NY Times about the problem, with the general message that the problem has escalated with the infusion of casino gambling money. With higher purses, there is more inclination for owners to put injured animals on the track, loaded up with painkillers and other drugs, and this has resulted in an astounding escalation in serious accidents and on-track euthanasia. All in all it’s dangerous for the jockeys and horribly cruel to the horses. Money talks and the horses suffer. As often happens, the regulatory agencies put in place to avoid this kind of animal cruelty have been ineffective, and it was actually the jockeys who finally made a stand. Everyone thinks in terms of the big races and assumes that most race horses are expensive, pampered animals. In truth, the majority of race horses are not big money makers, and stories of abuse to “claim race” horses, the lower end of the racehorse spectrum, are becoming more and more common.

Final notes. In the let’s-get-real department, there was a ferry disaster in Guwahati India, in the northeastern part of the country, wherein 103 drown when an overloaded ferry sunk in bad weather. I read about these accidents all the time, and it amazes me what is not considered hard news in America. Snookie’s expanding waist line and Newt Gingrich’s campaign debts are front page news in North America, but this tragedy rated one paragraph on some inside page of the NY Times. Can you imagine if that disaster had happened in America? It would certainly be front page news, and Elton John would write a song about it. Adam Yauch, a/k/a “MCA” and founding member of the seminal hip hop group The Beastie Boys died last week at 47 from a rare for of cancer of the salivary gland. I was never a fan of the band, but from what I’ve read about him post mortem, Yauch was a very interesting guy, and nothing like his onstage persona.

Gotta go … time to sharpen my hatchet and “get medieval” on some squirrels. Don’t worry, I’ll be humane and make it quick.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 4/30/12

With all the mild weather of the past several months, I got spoiled and I think my blood thinned out as well. As I begin this report on Tuesday morning, the snow is blowing horizontally across our lake and the temperature hovers stubbornly at 32F. There go the perennials. Of course, this is typical April weather up here in the GWN, but with the anomalous Spring we are experiencing, I figured I’d be boating by now. Looks like we’ll be sucking up a little more propane before the heating season takes its last gasp. That’s what I love about Spring in the Great White North; you get teased into thinking it has arrived just in time for that surprise snowstorm.

I walked into the local hardware store this weekend and bumped into my pal Harvey, our snowplow guy. Harvey is presently having a mouse problem and was looking for mousetraps. One summer, early in our construction process, perhaps 2007, we had a major mouse problem up here in the GWN. At the time we were living in a camper trailer and there were plenty of access holes for little critters. Jasper went nuts, because she could hear them scampering around in the duct work. I killed at least sixty mice that summer, mostly in the kitchen. There’s nothing like pouring some corn flakes into a bowl and having a dead mouse drop out. Puts you right off cereal. I hope Harvey’s weekend purchase is not an early warning for Mouse-aggeddon - Season Two. I’ll say this, mouse trap technology has come a long way since those crappy hard-to-set wooden ones. I only had one trap but I was a mouse killing machine. We’ve only had one mouse since we moved in to the new house, but it’s amazing what one little mouse can do. Somehow this thing got into our furnace duct work and ended up blocking the condensation vent pipe, eventually destroying the fan motor and costing us a lot of money.

Speaking of pesky rodents, the other day, I put in my order for a Yard Sentinel, an electronic pest control device which emit’s an adjustable high frequency sound apparently bothersome to pests. I can adjust the frequency it emits based on the pest we are targeting. I am told it will not bother Jasper, but I think it probably will. From the same company I also bought a device which plugs into a wall socket and then uses the wiring in the house to emit a similar onerous high frequency. That particular device is advertised as a bug repellant as well. Wouldn’t that be something? Reviews are mixed on these ultrasonic pest control devices, but two people, including the squirrel consultant we hired said they had some success with them. My friend Doug from Chicago said it was the only thing that worked for him. At this point I’m willing to try anything and we are going to attack this squirrel problem from several different directions. One of the problems with our house is that we don’t have an attic, only a 12” airspace under the roof deck. About half that space is filled in with spray foam insulation, which of course the squirrels dig out for their nests. It‘s proving tough to get the buggers out once they‘re in. On second thought, perhaps the flame thrower is a good idea.

In the news, beloved Royals Will and Kate have been married a year, and still no baby. George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch volunteer accused of the unjustified shooting Trayvon Martin, is out on $150,000 bail, and whatever it cost him for the flak vest. He and Casey Anthony should get a room together at the Grey Bar Hilton; that might be the only place they’ll be safe. Who needs a trial, we’ll just judge everyone in the court of public opinion.

Today is tax deadline day in Canada, perhaps it’s time I start thinking about filing my return, I only have a few hours left.

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 4/23/12

Last week we called in a professional consultant for our squirrel problem. I was not aware that there were squirrel consultants, but apparently they exist. This gentleman confirmed our worst fears about the size of the problem and the difficulty in eradicating it. The issues are twofold. One, we must ensure all the little bastards are out of the roof before we seal, and two, we must figure out how to seal up some of the more inaccessible access points. One crevice in particular we will need a Houdini to fit into. To complicate matters, we have three kinds of rodents: black squirrels, flying squirrels, and possibly (likely) bats. The fact that two of these are nocturnal is not helpful. I am quite sure I heard some wing fwapping noises in there amongst the other unnatural sounds. Now that we’ve actually seen the flying squirrels screwing, and noting that the gestation period for these rodents is rather short, and further having been informed that mommy squirrels will chew through metal to get to their litter once pups are born, this is looking like a bigger problem than originally anticipated. Our squirrel consultant was less than enthusiastic about taking our job and I think he quoted high for his service. We must devise our plan of attack. Any way we slice it, it will be expensive. I’m inclined to go with flame throwers, and the RPGs, but automatic weapons may be called for as well. Thank goodness neither the Burk’s Falls Fire Dept. nor the Humane Society reads this blog. By the way, as I suspected, it is somewhat illegal to kill squirrels. The red ones are apparently used as fur liners. Not exactly top of the line fur, more of your Wal-Mart fur, but subject to regulations nonetheless.

Norwegian nut job Anders Breivik, accused of killing 77 people, 69 of them by hunting them down and shooting them, is claiming self defense. Apparently he is not a fan of multi-culturalism and feels threatened by the infusion of Islamic influence in his country. He wants to be declared sane, because he feels his message will be de-legitimized if he is deemed incompetent. He said we need to differentiate between political extremism and insanity. Kind of a grey area if you ask me. If convicted, Breivik faces Norway’s harshest sentence; a year in jail and no TV for a month.

Da French are presently in the middle of a presidential election and incumbent Nicholas Sarkozy faces some formidable opposition from socialist candidate Francois Hollande. It would be the first commie in a while for France. The first round has Hollande leading by a small margin, and now the two candidates will face each other in a bug-eating contest and a sing off, after which there will be a final vote on May 6^th. Text your vote.  Hollande wouldn’t have even been a contender had his predecessor, that hound dog Dominic Strauss Kahn kept his pants on.

It’s snowing up here in the Great White North as I finish this report, and the timing is perfect. I just put the dock down and both Shauna and I just had the winter tires taken off our cars. Do you think we’ve jumped the gun on Spring?

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED