The Oppenheimer Report - 8/13/12

Last Saturday I attended my fourth annual Western New York powerboat poker run in Buffalo. Because of the storms last weekend there was some concern they might call off the event, but come Saturday morning we fired up my friend’s vintage twin screw 1972 27’ Magnum Marine powerboat and headed up the Niagara River to the Erie Basin Marina to join 60 or more other boats in town for the run. Sadly, the open water portion of the run was cancelled because the threatening weather and the 5’-7’waves. While many of the boats in the run could have handled the rough seas, there was always the distinct possibility that one of those high performance behemoths would break down and the organizers felt it would be better to avoid the 20 mile run down the lake to Sunset Bay. Nobody wants to be dead in the water when the winds are gusting to 40mph and the sky is threatening rain and thunderstorms. In years passed, that open water portion of the run has typically been the most entertaining part of the ride.

Since I was a little boy, I have had a fascination with boating in rough water. I get tears of nostalgia when I remember my first little aluminum boat, later named The Raging African Queen (thank you renowned Buffalo artist Peter Stephens for taking it upon yourself to paint that horrible name on the transom of my boat with indestructible yellow Rust-o-leum), and the fun I used to have as a ten year old boy taking it out in rough weather. The trick was to keep the boat afloat until after I had cleared the breakers out past the sandbar, then to jump into the boat quickly, fire up the little Johnson 51/2 horsepower outboard and head out at just the right angle into the waves before the high winds could blow me sideways and sink or capsize the boat. I became quite good at it. Later, I did the same thing with my 13’ Boston Whaler, and most of the other boats I owned. The shallowest of all the Great Lakes, Lake Erie is particularly treacherous when small craft warnings are in effect. The chop tends to be steep and deep and misjudging it can easily be fatal. Davy Jones’ locker is full of drunken Western New York fishermen, trying to pee off the stern of their boat in high winds. During my ill spent young adulthood, I did some ridiculous things with and in The Raging African Queen. One choppy day we drove the approximately five miles from our summer home on Lake Erie over to Holloway Bay, on plane, standing on top of the seats, and steering the boat by leaning to the left and right. Another time, at night, with about seven people in the boat on one of our legendary booze cruises, we actually sunk the boat while driving along the shore. It wasn’t until the boat was completely underwater that I and my inebriated crew abandoned ship. I distinctly remember holding the transom of the boat up in shoulder deep water, probably with the motor still running, in order to keep the motor from submerging. While age and experience have somewhat tempered my horrific bad judgment, I am still prone to the occasional bout of unprecedented stupidity. One October day on Lake Ontario -- now in my 40s mind you --I attached the ignition kill switch to my belt and headed out in the open water looking for the perfect wave. Failing that I made the ill-considered commitment to jump the wake of a rather large passing naval ship. With the crew looking on, I hit that enormous wake at perhaps 15-20 knots before realizing I had made a serious mistake. My 20’ HydraSport was clearly not designed to leave the water, but leave the water it did. I suspect that from propeller to the water’s surface, I was around 3 feet off the water, and I remember waking up on the floor of the boat, on my back, engine stalled, hearing the crew members of the now distant navel vessel laughing uncontrollably at my stupidity. I am only on this earth to spread joy to the masses.

Renowned composer Marvin Hamlisch died last week at 68. The London Summer Olympics are over.  Civil war in Syria is escalating and the UN seems powerless to stem the violence. Kofi Anan, meet Neville Chamberlain. Nice job by the way, doing nothing. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could simply add something to the water supply that rendered men less aggressive? Mitt the twit Romney picked his running mate, the conservative Wisconsin Republican congressman Paul Ryan. Of course the Ryan is pro life and anti homo, two strikes against him in my book. He believes that the fetus enjoys full legal rights at conception … that is, of course, unless it is a homosexual. Pregnant moms beware, your unformed fetus may have retained an attorney. Law and Order: Fetal Justice. If Romney is to have chance in this election, he’d better focus a little more on state and a little less on church. By the way, it looks as if the mudslinging has started early this year, and both sides have come out swinging with their lies and innuendo. With the money those PAC bastards raise and spend on below-the-belt negative ad campaigning we could probably house a few million homeless Americans, maybe even cure cancer. Then again, what has politics ever had to do with helping people? Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED