The Oppenheimer Report - 7/26/10

Last weekend, while I was down in Buffalo, I took a ride to Darien Lake Amusement Park with my pal Bob to pick up his daughter who was attending a Goo Goo Dolls concert there. Switchfoot was the backup band; I’m told they’re "awesome". When we arrived the Goos hadn’t even taken the stage yet, so we had some time to kill. We probably could have bought last minute tickets to the concert, but both Bob and I had seen enough of the Goo Goo Dolls in their Buffalo bar band days. While I applaud their international success, and in fact the success of any Buffalo band that makes it, I didn’t feel like paying the rather hefty fee to see them play on a big stage. I have to save my money in case Wayne Newton comes to town. Instead, Bob and I went to the amusement park, managed to convince them to let us in for free because it was so close to closing time, and took a ride on the park’s tallest roller coaster, “The Ride of Steel”. I have not been on a roller coaster ride since Crystal Beach closed near our summer place on Lake Erie. That was perhaps 20 years ago. I remember many a ride on the legendary Comet when I was a boy. When Crystal Beach closed the Comet was disassembled and sent East to a park on Lake George. I think the reason I loved the Comet so much was that it was a rickety old roller coaster. Because one was never really strapped in very well, there was a palpable sense of danger every time one rode it. I never got a ride on the older and even ricketier predecessor to the Comet, “The Cyclone”, but I understand that coaster was really scary. There’s a photo of it in one of the older bars in the South Ward of Buffalo, and it LOOKS scary. By comparison, the newer coasters are much more secure and they really lock the passengers into their seats. Anyhow, I was a little apprehensive about riding this Darien Lake coaster. I hadn’t been on a coaster in two decades and this one has a bigger first drop than the Comet had. We waited what seemed like an awfully long time for our ride, partly because they were only running one set of cars. When we were finally one ride away, some overweight man delayed everyone while he tried unsuccessfully to buckle himself in. That took about five minutes and it must have been very embarrassing for the man. The anticipation was eating me alive. When we finally got on the ride, and were climbing the first hill, I started to get a little more nervous and, to enhance that feeling, there were several  flashes of bolt lightening in the distance. The first drop was amazing, and the rest was a blur. Before I knew it, the ride was over. The above photo is one of those digital photos you can buy when you come off the ride. Because this was my first roller coaster ride in 20 years, I bought the photo. You will note that I am wearing my vintage, 1970’s Buffalo Sabres tee shirt. Look at the two guys in front of us.



Looks like the Gulf states dodged a bullet and Bonnie was not as bad as some thought she’d be. Still, any bad weather means a delay in the cleanup efforts, and the longer they wait the more likely that cap is to let go. How about those city officials in Bell California? In a city of 40,000 residents, the city manager was making something like $787,000 and the chief of police drew a salary of $480,000 … more than the head of the LAPD makes. What a bunch of crooks! Think of the pensions those people will draw. With the jobless rate at an all time high, how could these people possibly justify such high pay. Shame on the council members of Bell who would have o.k’d those salaries. A while back there was a big debate in our community of Armour Township, Ontario because the local taxpayers thought our town officials were making too much. I think our supervisor was making about $8000. I wonder how many other municipalities in California are so overpaying their people. Spaniard Alberto Contador won this year’s Tour de France. In what might be his last race, American Lance Armstrong crashed twice and was not even a contender. Lots of crazy weather. We had a couple of tornadoes here in Western N.Y. and in Chicago I heard they had 6-7 inches of rain in a very short period of time, flooding basements everywhere and severely overtaxing the city storm drains. And finally, the Plastika, a 60 foot catamaran sailboat made out of 12,500 plastic bottles is about to finish it’s 8000+ mile voyage around the world. How‘s that for a creative way to recycle?
 
 
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report -7/19/10

I begin this week’s report with a discussion about the use of profanity in comedy, and I expect it will be a real page turner. The fact that this report is only one page long might be a problem. Sometimes I like to watch a cable show called “Penn and Teller: Bullsh#t”, and you may have seen the show, or perhaps you’ve seen their comedic magic act. Penn is the big outspoken guy and Teller is the ever silent little guy, sort of a latter day Harpo Marx. The “Bullsh#t” show is essentially Penn humorously debunking various myths, beliefs, ideologies, etc. on every subject from teen sex to UFO’s, and I think his rant is very entertaining. The problem is, Penn tends to be extremely profane, and I imagine that turns a lot of people off the show. I caught a roundtable discussion of comedians in which Penn was a participant, and he said he gets a lot of hate mail about the show. He said that he’d be perfectly willing to read it if any of the plaintiffs had actually watched the show. People pass judgment on the profanity and then fail to recognize that there is a smart, funny show at the core. Tom Smothers of the Smothers Brothers was one of the other comedians in the roundtable, and it was surprising to listen to him swearing, A LOT. There are a lot of really funny comedians who employ profanity in their act, Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor come to mind, but somehow, hearing Tom Smothers swear is unnatural. It’s a little like Mr. Rogers starring in a porn flick. I guess I’m just as bad as the people complaining about Penn, because I’m letting my pre-existing impressions of Smothers affect my judgment about him. Profanity is creative choice, but it’s a tricky decision in comedy. When it works it really works, but when it doesn’t, it can really turn the audience off. I think Chris Rock is hilarious, and he’s frequently profane in his act. Pryor used profanity to give him that angry edge that made him so funny. I watched a Robin Williams special the other night, post heart surgery, and he was uncharacteristically profane. He’s always sworn in his act, but for some reason, in this special he was uncharacteristically profane, and nowhere near as funny to me. I think Williams is one of the most spontaneous, hilarious comedians on the planet, but the swearing  threw me off. By the way, it’s not as if I don’t swear a lot, I do. Another guy I can’t imagine relying on profanity in his act is Jerry Seinfeld. Anyhow, maybe I’m becoming a “prude”. F-ck it.


In the news, apparently BP has finally capped the 84+ day old oil spew in the Gulf, and now the big question is, will it hold? The pressure on the cap is enormous (well over 6000 PSI) and there is concern that it might rupture at some other less accessible point before the relief wells can be dug. I wonder, how could there be a less accessible point? This excavation goes down something like 17,000 feet below sea level. The fact that methane has been detected near the location of the rupture can’t be a good sign. I see that our illustrious Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has committed $7.5 Billion in American financial aid to Pakistan over next five years. Of course none of that money is not to be used for military purposes, but presumably it is to buy Pakistan’s acceptance of a U.S. presence in their country. Who do they think they are, General Motors? For that kind of money, you’d think they could throw us a bone, perhaps one belonging to Bin Bombin’. And speaking of Islam, did I understand correctly, they’re going to build an Islamic centre/ mosque blocks away from the site of Ground Zero in NYC? In a perfect world perhaps that wouldn’t be a problem, and I am aware of the fact that the overwhelming majority of Muslims are non-radical, peaceful, law-abiding citizens. Nevertheless, in light of the raw emotion associated with the World Trade Centre tragedy, that development just seems like a bad idea. President Obama just announced that he may be extending unemployment insurance benefits because so many Americans still haven‘t been able to find gainful employment. I wonder how Wall Street is doing … and how’s that almost trillion dollar bailout working for you? Spoiled actress Lindsey Lohan is going to the “big house” for a little Hollywood time out. Ninety days (she’ll probably only do 20) … big deal. Relax Lindsey, all the celebrity brats are doing it. As for her protestations that the judge who sentenced her was unfair, get real girl. Ask Sammy Davis Jr. about what’s fair; he was a Black Jew in the music industry, back in the 1950’s, and you never heard him complain. Book her Danno. Hey Linds, do your time and keep your nose clean you little twit. Finally, in the “I-can’t-believe-yet-another-professional-athlete-is-being-overpaid” department, NHL hockey star Ilya Kovalchuk just signed a 17-year contract to play for the NJ Devils. His salary … $102 Million. Beats breaking rocks een old country, eh? I wonder how much Bobby Orr got paid.

Come to think of it, I’m seeing a growing justification for the use of profanity in our society; there do seem to be an increasing number of a**holes out there!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 7/14/10

To my twelve loyal readers, sorry once again that the report is late this week…


Still down in Toronto helping my mother and father-in-law clean out Rose’s apartment. Rose was Ethel’s last remaining sister, and I couldn’t see letting her face that trial without some help. It is very strange cleaning out the apartment where a 94 year old woman lived for the last forty years. I’m finding jars of antiseptic and cleaning products from the 1950’s as well as a lot of interesting memorabilia. Ninety-four years is a long time to collect stuff. For Shauna and Ethel, every picture and scrap of paper is a priceless memento, and so cleaning the place out is a very slow process. As expected, there is a dispute over the estate, and the greedy nephew by whom Rose felt so betrayed is scrambling around now trying to figure out how he can abscond with more than he is entitled. He isn’t interested in mementos; he’s got his eye on “the prize”. That is the furthest thing from my mother-in-law’s mind right now. The ironic part about all of this is that, near the end, Rose wanted to cut the guy out of her will entirely, and she simply didn’t have enough strength to see it through. It was Ethel and Shauna who felt that the strain of a competency dispute would be too hard on her and their focus near the end was to make her as comfortable and worry-free as possible. If they had been as interested in her money as he is, they could probably have made sure he got nothing, at Rose’s ultimate expense. Now he’s running around telling the one or two people left in the family who don’t completely despise him that my mother-in-law “poisoned” Rose and the rest of the family against him. There is a special place in hell for people like that. Be careful whom you trust.


In the news … obnoxious Yankees owner George Steinbrenner finally struck out at the ripe old age of eighty. I thought the guy was a certified lunatic, (I always loved that Seinfeld impression of him), repeatedly hiring and firing managers as he sometimes did. Still, I guess his obsession with winning and his “money talks” mentality worked, because under his reign the Yankees did pretty well. Paging through the International Herald Tribune, looking for anything amusing this week, I noticed an article on scientists in Australia who are tackling the growing problem of bovine emissions. Forget about the greenhouse gas assaults from rusty old Ford V-8’s, the real culprit in global climate change is cow burps (and farts). Anyhow, somebody has figured out a way to tweak the bovine diet in such a way as to reduce the methane emissions, and this is a great day for mankind. Thank goodness, now I don’t have to buy one of them Priuses, and I can resume my gluttonous overuse of fossil fuels. Speaking of which, rumour has it that BP is close to capping that oil spew, just in time to watch the last of the Gulf marine wildlife disappear. Congratulations you schmucks.

I knew it was the cows all along. Take that Al Gore, you tree-hugging, Tipper-divorcing, hippo. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 7/7/10

Sorry this entry is a little late, but the past week has been pretty busy. Here’s what has transpired in my twisted little universe…


It started on July 2 when, upon arriving back from Huntsville, we received word that Shauna’s aunt, her mother’s only remaining sister, had passed away. Because we were immediate family - she had no children - what followed was a mad scramble to make funeral arrangements and to handle the various other issues involved in the disposition of her estate. On the Fourth of July, we buried her in Toronto. There were no fireworks. The good news is that this wonderful old woman is no longer in pain or suffering in any way, and in going through her effects Shauna found her will. You might recall in a recent post my rant about a bank that was denying my aunt’s directives in favour of a nephew whom she had ill-advisedly trusted with power-of-attorney. I maintain that the bank acted unprofessionally and in collusion with the nephew, and I still may lodge a formal complaint when the dust settles. We were in the process of going through the hoops of fire required to establish her general competency, and had in fact received that required confirmation from a well-respected physician, but the aunt died before her instructions could be honored. The will, which I’m not sure the nephew even knew she had a copy of (he had taken the original copy and never mentioned it to Shauna’s mom who, by the way, is designated in it as a co-executor), clearly negated much of the financial manipulation he had spun to ensure his family got the lion’s share of the estate. The matter is still in the hands of our competent attorney, but I believe this nephew would be a fool to contest that will. Were he to do so, it would trigger a forensic accounting and very likely expose, at the very least, his deplorable breach of fiduciary responsibility, and perhaps even expose him to criminal charges. Personally, I hope he does make trouble, because I know this is our best bet at making him truly pay for his greed. That said, a protracted court battle is probably not in my mother-in-law’s best interest.


I’ve heard it said that karma’s a bitch, but as I have said before, I don’t have much faith in karmic retribution. As comforting as it is to imagine this bastard returning in the next life as a dung beetle or an anal fissure, the truth is that we will likely never have the revenge served cold which many of us secretly crave. I can say with some certainty that this guy has alienated whatever immediate family he still has left, and most of them now despise him for what he did. My aunt begged us to ensure that he was not at her funeral, and he was not. I doubt he cares; because his first call was to the bank. Imagine his surprise, when he found out that all the assets were frozen.

Perhaps this is an inappropriate rant, but these reports are sometimes my therapy; my postcards from the edge. Nobody wants to think about this awful nonsense, but I’m finding out that it does happen, A LOT. If you have a loved one who is getting on in years, please make sure they have a valid and updated will, and ensure that the people appointed in that will can be trusted to carry out the wishes and intentions of the deceased. Believe me, it can solve a LOT of unforeseeable problems.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/28/10

6/23/10 - Headed back from Buffalo to Toronto, I must have been driving on the QEW when “big” earthquake struck, and I missed it! While the epicenter was near Ottawa, people felt it as far away as Toronto. Shauna said that she felt it in Katrine. Maybe ten years ago I felt a slight tremor from our high rise apartment, and I understand that there are some major fault lines running through this area. While this quake was a mere 5 on the Richter Scale,  the rarity of earthquakes in this area made it a notable event. I wonder what will happen to our 51 storey apartment building if a big one hits. Later on today, up in Midland Ontario (not too far from Jasper Bark Lodge), an F-2 tornado touched down and did some major damage. The G-8 Summit started up in Huntsville last Thursday, so all those would-be terrorists hiding out in the woods might have had a bit of a windy night. Don’t mess with Canada you fundamentalist jackals, you can’t handle our weather. The reason Mahmoud can’t find his rocket launcher is because it’s now in a cow pasture in Uxbridge.



6/25/10 - The reason I came back from Buffalo sooner than I might have chosen to is that today, the G-20 summit began in Toronto, and I knew I’d have trouble getting into the city  if I waited. There are police and security people everywhere, and there are protesters all over the place hoping to make their concerns known to the presumably well protected leaders. I hope they’re well-protected , because some of these protests are about the gigantic price  the Canadian taxpayer will pay for this little shindig ... about $1 Billion. Today, I rode my bicycle over to the east end to drop off some old clothes at Goodwill, and I rode right through the beginning of a big protest march. There was some guy up on his soap box screaming some anarchist nonsense, and there were phalanxes of policemen patrolling both sides of the street. As I rode further up the street there were bus  filled with standby police parked and waiting. One bus came all the way from Cape Breton Island. Are we expecting trouble?



Saturday 6/26/10 - Now I understand why there was such a huge police presence; today the protest got ugly. While the majority of the protesters were well-mannered and peaceful, there were a group of perhaps 100-150 troublemakers - the press called them anarchists, but  I think that does a disservice to anarchists - who broke store windows, pillaged, and lit several police cars on fire. It was strange to follow the local live coverage on T.V., then to look out of our apartment window and see the smoke from the burning cars. I understand these troublemakers travel from summit to summit and are well known to law enforcement agencies. I think it’s pretty stupid to light a police car on fire when you know a hundred people, including the media, are filming it. Under the circumstances, I think the police showed remarkable restraint. People were throwing bricks and rocks at them and generally, they did not seem to overreact. If something like that had happened in Buffalo, the cops would have beaten the violators to within an inch of their lives. Sunday I rollerbladed down to where the violence had occurred the day before and there were a lot of boarded up buildings.  Hope the summit was worth the price.


Final notes ... U.S. Senator Robert Byrd dies at 92 ...  Tropical Storm /Hurricane Alex may threaten the oil spill cleanup efforts in the Gulf. 70 days in, with all that oil floating around in the Gulf, think about the mess a hurricane would cause. In the World Cup, The U.S. lost to Ghana dashing their playoff hopes. Germany defeated England, and Argentina beat Mexico to advance to the next round. I’m headed back up north tomorrow, now that the dust has settled.


Earthquakes, tornadoes, riots, torrential rainfall and floods … do you think Mother Nature is making some kind of statement about the sorry state of our world? I suppose those G-20 leaders paid about as much attention to her as they did to “Jews against Zionism” protesters . Just another week in paradise!


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/21/10

Dad at the beach house - August, 2002

I’m down in Buffalo for a few days to visit my mom, pay some bills, and take one glorious lap around Grand Island on my friend’s 27’ Magnum. I love that boat. When I opened up the Buffalo News last Friday morning, there, obscured by the bold print headlines about BP CEO Tim Hayword’s tongue lashing in Congress (talk about your political grandstanding), was an article about a proposed wind farm they’re talking about building in Western New York. The proposed farm would be situated 2 miles out into windy Lake Erie somewhere south of Buffalo near Hamburg, N.Y., and would be capable of producing enough electricity to power 130,000 homes. Sounds like a “no brainer,” right? Well here’s a new twist to the “not-in-my-backyard” argument: digging the foundations for these windmills will likely stir up the toxic waste that has for years been settling on the lake floor in the area. The proposed location is not far south of the sites of the former Bethlehem Steel plant and a few other dirty industries that used to dump their toxic waste into the pristine waters of Lake Erie. Now, residents of the waterfront properties south of Buffalo aren’t even supposed to relocate large rocks on the shoreline for fear of stirring up the dreaded waste; it could threaten the fish population. It stands to reason that pouring foundations for over one hundred and fifty giant windmills might stir some of that muck up as well. I also read that the power generated by these windmills will be three or four times as expensive as the power now generated by Niagara Mohawk. I’m not exactly sure why that is, perhaps because it costs a lot to build them. Alternative energy always seems to be ridiculously expensive; why is that? Still, you’ve got to love renewable energy. Maybe someday we’ll all have little wind generating plants of our own. Just like the Dutch.



In the meantime, until someone figures out how to make renewable energy a viable, large scale solution to our voracious electrical demand, nuclear power seems like a reasonable compromise to me. Nobody wants to see another Chernobyl disaster, but reactor technology and safety have come a long way since then, and there is no question that we need to do something satisfy our growing demand for electricity. Have you ever gone without it for a week? It’s darned inconvenient. In our apartment building we can't flush our toilets without electricity. We’ve now seen what one deep water drilling rig disaster can do to the environment, and this should be a bit of a shot in the arm to all the alternative energy advocates. The problem with the myth that electric cars will save the planet is that electricity doesn’t grow on trees. It is so often generated by burning fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gases. Yes, spent fuel rods from a nuclear power plant have a shelf life which probably exceeds the existence of mankind, and yes, radiation leaks are really dangerous. But lots of countries virtually rely on nuclear energy now, and it is generally a cleaner solution to burning fossil fuels. I think it’s worth the risk. Besides, we now have an oil slick the size of the Louisiana Purchase coming ashore on the Gulf coast, so fossil fuels aren’t exactly without environmental consequences either. Do we destroy the entire marine ecosystem of the Gulf coast (oops, too late, we already did) or do we irradiate twenty square hectares of Nebraska that nobody cares about? Decisions, decisions! As for the argument that nuclear power plants are easy targets for terrorist attacks, yes, I suppose they are. By the way, so are chemical plants, of which there are plenty in the U.S., and let’s not rule out the 40,000 or so offshore oil rigs presently in operation. Post 9-11, I’m afraid the delusion of national security has been somewhat comprimised.


In sports, Brazil is presently a front runner in the World Cup competition. Portugal is not far behind, and they just walloped N. Korea 7-0 (yippee!). Did any of you else see the questionable call that cost the U.S. a come-from-behind win against Slovenia last week? It stinks when the difference between winning and tying a match is determined by a referee who probably made a critical error in judgment. If anything, I think the American player was interfered with, not the other way around. I have two words for those refs: instant replay. There have been a lot of upsets so far; New Zealand tied former World Cup champions Italy yesterday, and that was a big upset. In golf, Northern Irishman Graeme McDowell won the U.S. Open yesterday at Pebble Beach, and I actually watched about half the round. I think I secretly took pleasure watching Tiger Woods hook a few into the rough. Karma’s a bitch. I still say watching golf is a little like watching the grass grow, but that was what Mom and the nurse were watching (for some inexplicable reason), so that‘s what we watched. A belated Happy Father’s Day to all my readers who are dads.





Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/14/10

The G8 Summit is about to take place near Huntsville, Ontario, which is about 20 miles from our house in Katrine. While the event has prompted a major facelift for the town, including some improvements to infrastructure, the jury is still out as to whether or not it will be good for the town’s economy. Many of the businesses with which I deal in Huntsville are heading for the hills, and the newspapers are filled with stories about secret service and security. I imagine that anyone who goes camping in the Muskokas next week will be in for a rude surprise. Personally, I don’t think one can “get back to nature” while commandos are scampering around in the bush carrying automatic weapons. When the G8 was held in Kananaskis, Alberta back in 2002, I was foolish enough to go grocery shopping in nearby Canmore, and it was a ridiculous spectacle. That sleepy little mountain town was overrun with secret service guys talking into their sleeves, there were fighter jets constantly traversing the sky, and helicopters were everywhere overhead. Let’s just say it was bit of a rocky mountain buzz kill. I was sure someone was going to try to assassinate Dubya during that summit, but no credible threats were ever publicly reported. Shortly after the G8 takes place up here, there is a G20 summit in Downtown Toronto. I read about security for that little get together, and it appears that if I need to travel to or from Buffalo between June 24th to the 26th, I’m S.O.L. It seems that every major highway into Toronto will be all but closed down. All the snipers are presently scrambling for the best high rise roofs.




The FIFA international soccer match is now underway in South Africa, and World Cup fever is upon us. If you’re too busy to watch it on T.V. many internet providers are offering live streaming video of the matches. Who am I watching there on my 2 inch cell phone screen …. is it Ghana or Italy, I can‘t tell? Is that a player or a bird? I ask you, how in heavens name are we supposed to watch a soccer match on a cell phone screen? So far, I’ve watched several matches, including the one between Argentina and Nigeria last Saturday, (1-1). I watched the U.S. tie England (1-1) the other day, and that was considered an upset because, on paper England was the better team. Franky, I don’t understand why soccer isn’t more popular in North America; it’s a great game to watch. For my money it’s ten times more exciting than American football, not to mention the fact that it requires ten times more stamina. Soccer players play two 45 minute periods of almost constant running, there are only 3 substitute players (plus the backup goalie), and they play with very little padding. I realize that there are overpaid, pompous, self-important athletes in all professional sports, including world cup soccer, but I think the Americans have everyone else beat in terms of atrocious athlete behavior. But that’s a (never-ending) rant for another day. I think we Americans thrive on the bad behavior; it gives us something about which to complain.



The Chicago Blackhawks are the new Stanley Cup champions after winning Game Six in overtime IN Philadelphia. Former Buffalonian Patrick Kane (speaking of bad behavior) scored the game winner, and though I was watching, I did not actually see the puck go in the net. That was a good series. I hate a playoff series wherein one team completely dominates. I’ll always remember that the Hawks won that series because my nephew and his wife had a baby boy (Willem) that morning, and they live in Chicago. Everybody’s joking that Willem’s middle name should be Stanley. I think that is a little like naming your child after the place where he or she was conceived. Meet my daughter Schenectady.



Friday was day 53 of the BP oil spew. The big news last week was that BP knew that more oil was spilling out than they admitted; as it turns out about twice as much. All we need to do is take an aerial shot of the Gulf of Mexico to see that. I say stop the finger pointing, there’s plenty of blame to go around. Let’s face it, most North Americans have a pretty big carbon footprint. I’m like Sasquatch. This is a big mess, stop squabbling about how big and figure out how to shut it off and clean it up. Fun facts: over 1 million feet of coastal boom and 430,000 feet of deep water boom have been set. The volume of the spew is now estimated to be up to 40,000 barrels a day, the hard cap containment system won’t be ready until next month, and Louisiana has a new tourist attraction as well as a lot of dead birds. Come to the Gulf and grab a blob of souvenir oil to remind you of mankind’s ill-conceived reliance on oil. The anti-immigration debate in the U.S. heated up last week when a 15 year-old year old Mexican boy trying to smuggle illegal aliens across the border was shot to death by a U.S. border guard. Perhaps we should loosen the immigration rules a little and simply insist that the immigrants move to our less populated areas, like North Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska … the Louisiana coast. Just kidding.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/7/10

This is the first Spring since we built the house when we have been able to begin to reclaim our land from the construction site it has been. It’s going to be a while before these grounds look presentable; we have 2.7 acres to clean up. The first thing we did was seed the topsoil which was spread last Fall. It took a while, but now we are beginning to see a carpet of green where once there was once only mud. Because it’s been a dry Spring, that meant watering every day. It’s paid off; we can now walk on our side yard without sinking ankle deep into mud. I’ve become a gardening fool over the past month, and for the past two weeks, I have been busy planting perennial flowers around our property. As a self-proclaimed brown thumb, I tend to plant things that take care of themselves. A few years ago, while we were still well into the construction phase of this never ending project, I scattered wildflower seeds here and there around the property. Last year some of them came up, but this year the place is exploding with them. Originally, we had grand landscaping plans for the large open area behind our house, but when our septic system mysteriously expanded to became twice as large as was originally planned, trees were out of the question. As anyone with a septic system knows, trees should not be planted over tile beds, because the roots interfere with it’s proper performance. Now, the best I can do are non-invasive plants which do not throw big roots. I did plant a small vegetable garden in the front,  but I cheated. After trying to germinate tomato plant seeds, I finally gave up and bought already started plants.Germination requires way too much attention. Like I said, I have a brown thumb.



I’m shocked … Al and Tipper Gore are calling it quits after 40 years of marital bliss! Personally, I think you need to be an “oxymoron” to believe in marital bliss. I suggest two possible scenarios which led to this tragic breakup. Scenario one: Al’s gay, the mother of all inconvenient truths. Scenario two: the Tipster simply got sick of hearing him rant on about global warming. As the self-proclaimed inventor of the internet and savior of the planet, perhaps Al just got too big for his britches. If you’ve seen him lately, that’s not hard to believe.


I read in the Saturday Star that Apple is introducing a new iPhone today with even more bells and whistles than the last one had. Being the techno moron that I am, I probably couldn’t figure out the old one. In fact, I’m due for a new phone from my cell phone provider - I’m eligible for a new one every three years - and I’m having trouble finding one to suit my limited needs. My old phone was fine, but the keypad is worn out. I just want a new one that does the same things the old one did. Everything these days has features I don’t use or want. I will never watch television on my phone, nor do I intend to use it as a movie camera. As well, I don’t expect to play “Dragonslayer II” on it. I’ll do my violent video game playing on a large screen thank you. What I CAN use is better reception and coverage, as well as the same anemic features my old phone has. The other day I got a new phone and returned it within 24 hours. Though I was told that it was an improvement over my old phone, it did not provide the one feature I need on a cell phone; the ability to disable the roaming feature. The other problem with the new phone was that the On/Off button was right next to the button connecting to the internet. I accidentally connected to the internet three or four times and in so doing ran up about $15 in charges. While the new and improved phone can probably download “War and Peace” in three minutes, I could care less. There is no way I intend to do my web surfing on a two inch screen! So now I’ve re-activated my old phone and I suppose I’ll look around for an obsolete phone to meet my needs. And progress marches on …



Al and Tipper … who knew. Who’s next … George and Laura?

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/1/10

This week I begin this report with a rant about banks. Lately, I have been astounded by all the little ways my Canadian bank has been sticking it to me. They’ve added lots of little hidden fees, they take two points off the posted exchange rate for the privilege of transferring money from my U.S. account to my Canadian account; more if I use a Canadian credit card to pay for something in the U.S., and as well, their holds on funds seem unreasonably long. Turnover at my bank is constant, and every time I try to establish a relationship with my “relationship manager” or whatever they call the representative at my branch assigned to assist me with my accounts, he or she leaves the bank and I am faced with the prospect of proving myself to another young face. License and identification please … and after fifteen years with the same bank, one hopes that one does not need to explain that one has been and continues to be a loyal customer. But on top of all of these petty inconveniences, we have just been faced with what appears to be a gross miscarriage of justice, and it is keeping me awake at night. Without going into great detail, an important document was ignored by a bank, authorizing someone in our family to act on another’s behalf. Because the document was executed by a failing member of our family, we don’t want to and should not need to have to get her sign the document again. For some reason, the bank is stonewalling us and I am getting the uncomfortable feeling they’ve crossed the line. You cannot believe how impossible they have been, and they are overtly denying the directions of someone who cannot at present speak for herself. My suspicion is that it is in the bank’s best interest to delay the execution of the document, and they are intentionally using their bureaucracy to keep it from happening. With all the other challenges facing us right now, we don’t have time or the energy to fight with a possibly corrupt bank manager in order to enforce the wishes of a failing member of our family. If we don’t fight this then another peripheral member of the family is free to manipulate the estate to his advantage. We have reason to believe he already has done so and we want to stop it. We are now faced with the complicated dilemma of trying to decide which is worse. The dying wishes of a family member are not being honored, but do we put her under undo stress to re-execute a document, or do we let another family member take advantage of her compromised position. I used to think that nonsense like this only happened in the movies, but it has become painfully clear now that it happens in real life as well. The more people I talk to, the more stories I hear about greedy family members scrambling for their cut of an estate. We don’t want this woman’s money - she can give it all to the SPCA for all we care - we just hate to see people get away with doing things which are so clearly wrong. For every Bernie Madoff who is caught, there seem to be two that don’t.




In the news last week it was reported that they had succeeded in plugging up that damaged BP oil well; there was even video showing that the gushing had stopped. Apparently the fix did not take, and now it may be August before the gushing oil can be diverted to another line. Things are heating up in the Middle East as Israel is condemned for raiding a ship carrying food and supplies ( and guns?) to Gaza. Obviously, both sides are trying to spin this one, but there is a lot of video footage of the incident and perhaps that will help sort out the truth. Gary “Different Strokes” Coleman croaked last week at the age of 42 and Dennis Hopper bit the bazooka as well. He was 74. I first saw Hopper play the drug-addled hippie biker in “Easy Rider” and that character really annoyed me, but I did like his over-the-top performance in David Lynch’s “Blue Velvet”. Lee DeWyze is new American Idol, and though I didn’t follow the competition as I have in past years, I did watch the season finale. I was impressed by the list of guest stars who performed. Perhaps because it marked the send off Simon Cowell who is leaving the show for good, they brought in some big guns (Joe Cocker, Bee Gees, Michael MacDonald, Alanis Morissette, Hall and Oates, Janet Jackson, and others) to perform with the idols. I still think Ryan Seabreeze is a hosehead, but that’s television. The Flyers play the Black Hawks for the Stanley Cup. At least it’s not one of those Western expansion teams again. I’ve hated Philly “Broad Street Bullies” ever since they defeated the Sabres for the Cup back in the 70’s, so I’m rooting for the Hawks. They’re up two games and favored to win. Tropical Storm Agnes walloped Central America, it snowed in Edmonton, there were floods in Winnipeg, forest fires are raging in Quebec, and it’s hot as hell here in parched Central Ontario. As hurricane season approaches, I wonder where all that oil in the Gulf will blow.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/25/10

Jasper, our Miniature Schnauzer, had some teeth removed last week, and anytime our dog is put under anesthesia, I worry about her. She came through the surgery just fine, and as I begin this week’s report she is lying on the couch semi-stoned as she comes down from the anesthesia. Right now she’s staring blankly at a throw pillow. The Schnauzer breed is notorious for dental problems, and while we did follow the breeder’s instructions regarding dental hygiene, apparently not well enough, Jasper got an infected tooth which in turn spread to other teeth,. That oversight on our part necessitated a large set of extractions. Have you ever tried to brush a dog’s teeth? It’s not so easy. Anyhow, it’s always something with pets, and veterinarians charge a LOT of money for their services. In Canada, vets can charge more than human doctors. Last summer one of our carpenters had a dog that contracted Lysteria, probably from drinking tainted water, and the bill for that little disaster came to around two thousand dollars. At least the dog survived! When we took our last Schaunzer to an eye doctor in Toronto, there was a woman there in the waiting room with a Pug. The dog had diabetes and had already had several eye surgeries. She was not a wealthy woman and had already spent over ten thousand bucks on that dog. If you’re not a dog person, you’d probably say, “how much for the needle?”, but as a dog lover, I understand how we become indelibly attached to our pets. I can’t understand how pet lovers can feel the same attachment for a cat, or a parakeet, or heaven forbid, a snake, but I accept that there are all kinds of animal lovers in the world. At least they love SOMETHING living. My friend in Buffalo has a black lab which I adore, and she got sick last week. You want to say “that’s what you get for eating dog poop,” but what’s the point … they never listen. My sister had a Golden Lab that turned out to be autistic. Another had hip dysplasia. I love Miniature Schnauzers because they have lots of personality and they are very smart. The breeder from whom we acquired Jasper is probably one of the best Miniature Schnauzer breeders in the country, and despite the dental problem, Jasper has so far been healthy (knock on wood). There are a lot of irresponsible breeders in the world, and our last Schnauzer, which came from a different breeder, was really sick for most of her life. It’s simply getting harder and harder to find good, healthy purebred dogs. As human beings we frown upon inbreeding, because, as we all know, if you inbreed, you end up having offspring who look like that banjo player in “Deliverance”. Why then is it O.K. to inbreed animals? Of course we also prohibit the practice of euthanasia in human beings, even though some would welcome the option of choosing to control their own demise. Just so we’re clear, I’m suggesting a “no” to the banjo player, but a “yes” to pulling the plug on Grampa, if he wants you to and is mentally capable of making that important decision.


Final comments … I just watched the SNL that Betty White hosted, which I had PVR’d (videotaping is so passe) , and it was one of the better ones I’ve seen of late. I can’t believe they got her to perform some of those off color skits they wrote for her, but she nailed them. One in particular, which was a spoof on boring public radio shows, was laced with not-so-subtle innuendo about a lady’s private parts. I guess once a comedienne, always a comedienne, and Betty White has always had a bit of an edge to her humor. Hope you’re not vacationing in Jamaica this week. Riots broke out in Kingston over plans to extradite drug kingpin Chris Coke (appropriate name) to the U.S. for prosecution. And the Deepwater Horizon rig is STILL spewing oil 40 miles off the Louisiana coast. We have now passed the month mark; the blowout occurred April 20th, 2010. I was wondering how the volume estimates could be so varied … on the one extreme BP, with their obvious inclination towards damage control, originally estimated that oil was spewing out at about 210,000 gallons per day. Now the  "experts” are suggesting that about 2- 4 MILLION gallons per day is closer to the truth. Yikes.



It’s now 8AM Tuesday morning, and I am waiting for the guy who did our stone work, to assist him in putting in a stone walkway down to the lake. I have to go now, because a groundhog is about to attack my tomato plants. Until next week …





Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/17/10

On my way back up north from Buffalo, I spent the night in Toronto and I gave a pint of blood at the local blood clinic in our building. When I lived in Buffalo I was a regular blood donor, but when I moved up to Toronto I stopped. Recent visits to the hospital, coupled with reports that there is a blood shortage in Canada prompted me to resume. I gave about four months ago, and when I was eligible to give again (usually about every 2 months), I started getting persistent phone calls reminding me that I was once again eligible to give. I had an hour last Thursday, so I called and made an appointment after which I asked them to please not call anymore.




I can’t say I enjoy giving blood, the process is somewhat tedious, and there are quite a few very personal questions to answer each time I give. Have I been outside the U.S. and Canada, have I had dental work recently, have I had sex with a man in the past six months, have I had sex with a woman who has had sex with a homosexual, have I ever had sex for money, have I ever dated a barnyard animal … I mean THAT is none of their business. I realize that they have to ask these questions to ensure that the blood supply is not tainted, but it’s a little strange nonetheless. Who do they think I am, anyway, some world traveling slut? And that cow … that was a one time thing. I can understand asking these questions once, then asking the donor to sign something each subsequent visit acknowledging that nothing had changed. The most absurd thing they do - and they did this in the States as well - is that they ask you to confidentially put a “yes” or a “no” stamp on your blood donation indicating whether or not you want it to be used. Why for heaven’s sake would I DONATE if I didn’t think my blood was safe and didn’t want the blood to be used. No, I want you to stick a needle in my arm and draw an eighth of a gallon of blood, just so you can throw it away. I’m only here for the cookies and juice. Once I’d been through the drill for the first time, it was fairly easy. Now I’ll go whenever I have a chance. I don’t do a lot for the community I live in, so I figure donating a pint of blood is the least I can do. I have a fairly common blood type; I wonder what is more valuable. If a lot of people give blood, I guess it’s the rarer blood types, but I’m not sure a lot of people do give. Other than the questionnaire, it really isn’t hard to do. It’s no more invasive than a blood test, it doesn’t really hurt, and the actual donation doesn’t take very long. Speaking of blood tests, the other day I read that Walgreen’s might soon put out a personal genetic testing kit. Does this mean we will soon be able to check paternity or maternity in the privacy of our own home?



Finally, the Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf of Mexico is still very much a problem, and now they’re saying that this one will be much worse than the Exxon spill. The millions of gallons of crude presently spilling out into the Gulf is the consistency of cake batter, and it’s going to be a real mess to clean up. On 60 Minutes last night I watched a very disturbing segment suggesting that BP did not follow all the proper safety measures before allowing the rig to begin pumping. It made me angry to hear a BP spokesman blaming only Transocean, the owner of the rig, for the accident. I didn’t understand all the details, something to do with “mud” used to regulate oil flow from the pipeline, but it looks as if BP overlooked some serious problems in order to get up and running faster. Look at the results! BP is now in the hole for at least $500 Million, and the figure grows daily. Who knows what the environmental impact will be? What really surprised me is that there is apparently a much bigger rig in the Gulf, The Atlantis, which, if it were to fail, will make the Deepwater Horizon spill look like a raindrop. There is some concern that corners were cut in the construction of that rig as well. Perhaps Atlantis is not a good name for something which is supposed to sit on top of the water … didn‘t that city sink?



Maybe windmills aren’t such a bad idea after all.





Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/10/10

Lately it seems that when I think we are done with Dad’s estate matters, a year after his passing, something else crops up and there are still more accounts to close and more papers to sign. I’m down in Buffalo now, hopefully to finish with these affairs and to attend a Pearl Jam concert on Monday with my pal Bob. I keep telling myself that I’m only as old as I feel. I never wanted to be one of those “old guys” at a concert, but music is the great unifier, right? Anyhow, I like the band, and the last time I saw them play, back in 2003, they put on a great show. There was an article in The Buffalo News last Friday which suggests that Pearl Jam was the only band from the early 90’s Seattle grunge movement that endured the test of time. Many of the original Seattle bands have fallen prey to the disease of rock stardom, and the wannabes and copycats have none of the authenticity of bands like Nirvana or Pearl Jam. While grunge rock is not one of my favorite genres, Pearl Jam has grown on my over the years. With so many phony rock bands out there, these guys are the real deal. They are one of the few contemporary bands that I can turn to when I want to rock out. Before going to see them in 2003, I bought a couple of their albums to familiarize myself with their music, and the more I listened to the songs, the better they got. Their anti-establishment resistance to the money-grubbing, MTV-Ticketmaster-appearance-obsessed music industry is refreshing as well. The other day I went to a record store and purchased their latest CD “Back Spacer”, and was surprised that it was priced as a double album but included only one CD. As it turns out, the CD comes programmed with two free concert downloads from the internet. Naturally, computer ignoramus that I am, I am having trouble getting those concerts, and in fact, every time I hear the word “download” I cringe. I don’t want to have to call tech support when I choose to listen to music!


Last Thursday the Dow free fell about one thousand points early in the trading session before closing down about 340 points. I heard it reported that, at one point during the plunge, Proctor and Gamble’s share value dropped 50% in a matter of minutes. That’s a bit unsettling. Market jitters over the debt crisis in Greece and fears that the bad news would spread to other countries in Europe are credited with causing the plunge, but whatever the reason, it was the wild west on Wall Street last week. Let’s hope cooler heads prevail this week.


The BP oil spill is still out of control and now the plan is to try and drop a four storey concrete cap over the ruptured pipe. That shouldn’t be much harder than finding a needle in a haystack. What a hose job for the Gulf states … just getting back on their feet after Katrina, they now face yet another devastating blow to their economies. Another rogue terrorist tried unsuccessfully to set off a bomb in Times Square. Faisal Shahzad the “Firecracker Bomber” can take his rightful place in the “Keystone Terrorists” hall of fame, alongside the “Shoe Bomber” and the “Underpants Bomber.” Of Pakistani decent, Shahzad may have had links to the Pakistani Taliban. Sooner or later one of those boneheads is going to bumble upon a successful detonation and then it will be no joke. Once again I have the fitting punishment: tie him to a chair, pry his eyelids wide open and make him watch Dr. Phil shows 24/7 until his brain turns to the consistency of spoiled fruit. Let’s show these guys we mean business.


As I finish up this report, it’s Mother’s Day, the Hallmark holiday of all Hallmark holidays, and at least for the first part of today I’m not sure my mother knew who I was. By dinner time she’d rallied a bit and we had a good meal together, but it’s strange to measure my relationship by good moments. I’ve had more than half a lifetime with this woman as my mother, and now that woman is all but gone. It’s very odd, but now I’m thankful for a few lucid sentences, ten minutes of normal communication (whatever that is). My Mother’s Day plan was to plant some flowers outside off the back porch. She likes petunias because they’re hardy. Unfortunately, the winds have been strong and there’s talk of snow; so flowers may not survive. I have no choice but to deal with the forces of nature.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 5/3/10

When I hear a song I like, I often look up the lyrics on the internet. These days I’m listening to a lot of music that I hear on the radio, or that someone else has shared with me through an iPod, or some other portable device, and I have no access to the lyrics. As an amateur songwriter, I am always interested in reading the lyrics that other people write. Gone are the days when I bought an analogue record album, and the lyric sheet was included along with the record sleeve. Now, if I buy a CD and the lyrics are included, I need a magnifying glass to read them. There are a number of internet sites one can go to in order to access song lyrics, and they’re all fairly user friendly. I like a website called A-Z Lyrics (http://www.azlyrcis.com). In the past week, I have copied the lyrics to a lot of my favorite Steely Dan songs - those guys write great lyrics - and a number of other miscellaneous songs I wanted to archive. I have them all neatly filed in alphabetical order in a file on my computer entitled “Cover Songs Jamie Likes.” For anybody who has ever seen my desk, it is a wonder that I have ANYTHING filed in such an organized fashion. I am an artist (self-proclaimed, that is), and artists are often disorganized (feeble rationalization). Anyhow, I was on the A-Z website the other day, and I noticed Justin Bieber’s name. Bieber (sounds like beaver) is the latest teen heart throb topping the charts, and according to his bio (O.K. so I don’t have a life), this Stratford, Ontario fifteen year-old pop sensation got his big break when he “went viral” on YouTube in 2007. He’s hit the big time now, and the other night I watched him perform on Saturday Night Live. I enjoyed the performance … sort of Davy “Monkees” Jones meets Eminem. Anyhow, I looked up the lyrics for the first song on his second album. The song is entitled “Baby”, and the lyrics are about as unoriginal as I’d expect the lyrics for a pop song to be (chorus: Baby, baby, baby oooh/Like baby, baby, baby nooo/ Like baby, baby, baby oooh/ I thought you'd always be mine, mine). What struck me as funny was that there are about a half dozen people credited with co-writing the song. Cole Porter must be rolling over in his grave! Accepting that I am not comparing apples to apples here, I can just picture the Bieber songwriting session: “O.K., so what sort of rhymes with ‘whatever’ … ‘together’?” Four hours later they come up with: “For you, I would have done whatever/ And I just can't believe we ain't together…” Like, whatEVER, dude, those lyrics are like off the hook. It’s a freakin’ masterpiece!



The other night we watched a program on Bravo about the effects of music on the brain, and I found it fascinating. They scanned Sting’s brain as they exposed him to different kinds of music, and then analyzed the various parts of his brain that were stimulated. From this they were able to determine what it is about a gifted musician ’s brain that sets it apart. He processed all “good” music in the same way, but when it was boring, uninspiring muzak, he simply ignored it. I wonder how he feels about “Beiber’s “work”. Sting was a little uncomfortable with the findings; he said that for him the creative process is an intangible, mysterious thing. To have it scientifically analyzed is a little like finding out how your favorite magic trick was accomplished. I learned that there are companies out there that can critique your song by plugging it into a computer model, quantifying its potential to be a hit. I’m sorry Mozart, the computer confirms that your piano concerto is a no go.



Final note … I read that Earth Day was conceived in response to an oil spill off the California coast in 1969. Earth Day 2010 has come and gone, and to commemorate man’s propensity for repeating history, there was a big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently, a BP oil rig exploded and sank, and while the first reports from the government were that the accident was not so bad, last Wednesday the revised figures indicate that five times as much oil is daily spilling into the Gulf waters, threatening ecosystems from Louisiana to Florida. While not yet the 11 Million gallons spilled when the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Alaska, back in 1989, this is a significant oil spill, and may end up being even worse than the Valdez spill. Oops. I guess nobody thought about the consequences of being unable to cap a well dug over a kilometer underwater. Wouldn’t you think this would have been something they’d have addressed before drilling the well? Meanwhile, they’re talking about building a 24 square mile wind farm in the Nantucket Sound. Though the proposed windmills would be 5 miles from shore and barely visible, local residents are up in arms. Notable opponents include the late Ted Kennedy. One of the arguments is that wind farms threaten wildlife, but my guess is that it has more to do with views and real estate values. Take your pick … a few unlucky birds, and the odd electrocuted whale, or the entire ecosystem of the Louisiana coast. Tough call. I’m all for wind energy … just not five miles from MY back yard.

Perhaps we should start investigating a new ecology holiday: Alternative Planet Day.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Oppenheimer Report 4/25/10

There was an interesting story on the six o’clock news last Monday about copy machines and identity theft. I never knew this before, but Xerox copy machines (and perhaps many other brands as well) made after about the year 2000 contain hard drives, and all the data copied on those machines is recorded on that hard drive. Because there is a market for used copy machines, and because most companies that discard their copy machines don’t usually think to wipe the hard drives clean, anyone who purchases a used machine has access to private information. To prove the point, some investigative news reporters purchased three used machines and then downloaded the information stored on the hard drives. In one case, the machine came from the Buffalo Police Department’s Sexual Offender division, and there were over 20,000 documents stored in it, including lists of known sex offenders and classified information about sex offense cases. Another machine contained sensitive income tax information. There were tax returns, copies of checks, social security numbers, and a pile of other personal information. The point is, unless the data on these hard drives is erased when the machines are discarded or sold, a tech savvy identity thief can really hit the jackpot. We tear up ATM receipts, we don’t give out our Social Security numbers to just anyone, and we worry about the information we transmit over the internet. Here’s yet another example of how difficult it is to control our information.




Has anybody been paying attention to this grassroots Tea Party movement sweeping across America? From what I can gather the gist of the movement is that people are finally waking up to the reality of Obamanomics, and now the perception is that JFK is really The King of England. Essentially, this is a growing political movement of fiscal conservatives who opposed the bailout and stimulus packages in favor of free markets. With the advent of the latest Goldman Sachs fraud scandal (venerable Goldman Sachs that, co-incidentally posted record profits last year), there seems to be growing concern that perhaps the wrong people are getting the stimulus money. Unemployment is still high in America and lots of people are still losing their houses. The SEC will try to tar and feather Goldman Sachs, because they have so far been publicly ineffective at closing the cookie jar. I’ll just bet that some of that bailout money will even be used for the Goldman Sachs defense against the SEC allegations. I realize that “Tea Party” is probably just the Republican right re-branding itself after all those horrible Bush years. I also know that a lot of the financial problems we have now happened during Republican administrations (not all of them, by the way). What worries me - and as always this is just my perception - is that the pendulum seems to be swinging to the extremes. I watched a big gun rally outside D.C. and once again the “liberal” press are not so subtly suggesting the polarization of American political factions. Either you’re a right wing Republican facist or a commie, pinko whale-hugging Democrat. Hey, what about the rest of us?!!! What about all of us cynical, somewhat apathetic middle-of-the-roaders?



Finally, nature once again proved to be the mother of all inconvenient truths, when the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland erupted last week, spewing ash 50,000 feet into the air, crippling air traffic, and wreaking economic havoc on Europe. Millions of air travelers were affected and they’re talking about billions in lost revenue. Now I have another phobia to add to my list. We always hear about the devastating consequences from earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes, but what about volcanoes? How many ticking time bombs are there percolating underneath the earth’s crust? Volcanic eruptions can vastly change the weather, and render large areas uninhabitable. I just read about the Mt. Toba eruption in Sumatra 72,000 years ago. That eruption had a volcanic explosivity index, or VEI, of 8 and was probably the biggest eruption on the planet in 25 million years. By comparison the recent volcano in Iceland had a VEI of 2. I wonder if this one will adversely affect the weather, as the Mt. Pinatubo eruption did back in the summer of 1991. Some of us worry about nuc-“u”-lar anhiliation, some of us worry about climate change, a small and very neurotic minority of us worry about asteroids and solar flares, and of course there are the Gore Bores, who believe that plunging the world into economic chaos in order to lower the global temperature by an insignificant fraction of one degree Farenheit will save our planet. I say let them polar bears and snail darters fend for themselves. I’m a fatalist … why buy a Prius when the next big planetary zit pop, which is by the way COMPLETELY out of our control, could be the final curtain call. Seriously, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being conscious of one’s impact on the planet, in fact it’s a very good idea. I simply find man’s hubris ludicrous … to presume that we have anything more than negligible control over it any of it. We don’t, at least not enough to make much of a difference. The horse is out of the barn and he didn’t look before he leaped. Know what I mean? We screwed the pooch with overpopulation and all the resulting consequences, but won’t I feel stupid when I realize that I denied myself that over-powered American muscle car as we’re all being buried in smoldering volcanic ash? Wow, I could’ve had a V-8.


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 4/18/10

On the news the other night, there was mention of the passing of Meinhardt Raabe, the “little person” who had played the Munchkin coroner in the Wizard of Oz. He was the guy in the movie who officially proclaimed that the wicked witch of the west was dead. “She’s not only nearly dead, she’s really most sincerely dead.” Clearly that was his moment to shine, but he’d had several other notable accomplishments in his lifetime as well. Among other things, he wrote a book entitled “Memories of a Munchkin,” presumably about his experiences on the set of that famous movie; but the thing that struck me as amusing is that they listed him as a former mascot of the Oscar Mayer Company. I am nothing if not inquisitive, and I wondered, did he wear a costume, or do they simply consider all “little people” to be mascots? I thought mascots were animals, like the chicken for the Toledo Mudhens, or Carlton the Toronto Maple Leafs bear. I couldn’t imagine what a mascot for luncheon meat would look like. Being the judgmental schmuck that I am, I immediately thought, well here’s another classic example of an exploited midget. Did he dress up like one of those miniature cocktail sausages? Oh the indignity! Bursting with curiosity, I googled him and found out that, for THIRTY YEARS, Meinhardt Raabe had toured America in the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile as “Little Oscar, the World’s Smallest Chef”. Hey, it was a paying gig. Like I always say, life is a hose job, but at least it’s a job. I also learned that Raabe had been married to the love of his life for 53 years, had earned a masters degree in business administration, and had been a licensed pilot who flew for the Civil Air Patrol during WWII. Now I want to read his book. Raabe was 94. Whenever I think of the Wizard of Oz, I remember a comment some gay guy made years ago in my real estate class about a difficult woman participating in one of our round table exercises. When she left the table to go to the washroom, he whispered to the rest of us, in a very effeminate, over-the-top, gossipy voice: “She’s never been the same since that house fell on her sister!” I loved that comment.




As I was driving back up north from Toronto, I listened to a talk radio show wherein they discussed my favorite pet peeve: the technologically inspired social disconnect that has been insidiously creeping into our culture. Asocial behavior, especially apparent among the teens and twenty-somethings, is a cancer that is increasingly eroding the very fabric of our society. On the show an author was touting his book on the subject, and he discussed our obsession with celebrity and notoriety (a la reality television), as well as the shallow relationships developed on the newest social networks (e.g. Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace). He spoke of the anemic relationships we string together through these social networks, and the point he seemed to be making was that we are becoming a society of isolated beings with feeble social and communication skills. To prove his point, he put out an invitation to sixty of his Facebook “ friends” to attend a Facebook party at a local bar. Forty responded, indicating that they would probably attend, but when the day arrived, only one person actually showed up. He did have the humility to concede that perhaps he was just a nerd who had over-estimated his influence on a bunch of relative strangers, but he still may have a point … there is no commitment inherent in a Facebook relationship. We twit, and face, and myspace, and blog to broadcast our lives to the invisible public, and we measure our popularity in terms of “hits” and stat counters. Hey, I’m guilty as charged … how presumptuous of me to assume anybody reads my blog. That’s why I sometimes joke about my “twelve loyal readers”. But are we looking for numbers or friends? Pay attention to me, I’m worthy of your albeit pathetically short attention span. Clearly, attention spans ARE shorter, and we favor anonymous cyber communications over face to face discourse. I had my first online chat the other day with an old friend … I might be the last person in North America under the age of 60 who had not yet experienced a live chat. While it was cool to make contact, and to embrace this new (to me) form of correspondence -- it was a little like writing a letter and getting an instant response -- I still would have preferred to speak to the friend face to face. Another friend sent me a text message on my cell phone the other day, and by the time I fumbled through my five word response (I do not have a text friendly phone, or small fingers) I could have spoken the entire Gettysburg Address. While I still worked in industrial real estate there was great emphasis on using the computer to maintain a client database. Some agents hardly ever spoke to their clients, they e-mailed and faxed. I wasn’t the world’s most successful agent, but I did believe in cold calling and knocking on doors, and most of my business was generated through personal contact. I fear that, as I get on in my years, I will succumb to all these abbreviated means of communication without ever making human contact. Shop in cyberspace, text your divorce, fire someone by video conference, evict by email. Look for “Memories of a Munchkin,” coming soon to an Ipad near you.



Now, if we would only fight our wars with cyborgs instead of human beings!



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 4/13/10

My mom suffers from a form of dementia known as Lewy Body Disease, and until she was diagnosed with it about two years ago, I’d never even heard of it. Forty years ago, I’m guessing that almost all forms of dementia were lumped into the category of senility, or “a hardening of the arteries”, but these days we know that there are many different kinds of dementia. Lewy body is a a real challenge for the caregivers. First of all, it’s not easy to diagnose, and in fact we thought Mom was suffering from Alzheimer’s for almost two years before a neurologist properly determined the nature of her dementia. It is important to reach a proper diagnosis, because the medications used for Alzheimer’s sufferers are of little use, and in some cases contra-indicative, for the Lewy Body patient. Secondly, unlike the steady degeneration characterized by Alzheimer’s, Lewy Body Disease presents with strange and confounding symptoms. The Lewy Body sufferer see saws back and forth between lucidity and complete delusion, sometimes frequently during a 24 hour period. The disease attacks the brain in a more random pattern than does Alzheimers. One minute Mom is the Mom I know, and with the flip of a switch, she becomes an entirely different person … and then she‘s back again. We never know what to expect. There are hallucinations, periods of catatonia, moments of joy followed inexplicably by anger … in short, it’s an emotional roller coaster. Thankfully, we have excellent caregivers, but for a loved one who doesn’t know what is happening, it can be truly frightening. My sister and I have been coming in to Buffalo as much as we can, because we don’t know how much longer we have with the Mom we know. I have learned to be thankful for the good moments, which are becoming fewer and further between. The other day Mom announced that she wanted to go out to dinner, and so out to dinner we went. Everything was great, we had a good dinner, we laughed, we came home, she went to bed, was relatively normal for the first part of yesterday, and then she had hallucinations in the afternoon. She saw monkeys on Dad’s pipe rack in the den. We had dinner, and as she often does, she slept for a while after dinner. When it was time for her to go to bed, she got up, and to our surprise, walked into the kitchen instead of going upstairs. She sat down at the kitchen table and, in a demanding tone, declared that she was ready for her breakfast. At 12:30A.M I fixed my mom a scrambled egg with toast and coffee, because there was no changing her mind. As she ate her meal, she asked why I wasn’t eating. I shrugged and said I’d already had my breakfast. She told me to go into the other room and watch the sunrise. O.K. Mom.




While in Buffalo, and when Mom is sleeping or incommunicative, I look for other means to divert myself. The other day I went into Blockbuster, a store soon destined to be obsolete, and I rented Bill Maher’s documentary “Religulous”. I’ve been wanting to see it since he announced he was making it several years ago. The fact that it was created by the same guy who filmed “Borat” (which I loved) really captured my interest. I don’t think the movie was widely distributed, and I doubt it ever will be. “Guerilla” or “ambush” video, such as “Religulous” or the films which Michael Moore makes, seems to be growing in popularity. While they may not present a fair argument for the point they are trying to make, I enjoy these films for the same reason I enjoy watching some white collar criminal squirm in a 20/20 expose. I‘m glad I finally saw it, but “Religulous” turned out to be a bit of a disappointment for me. In my opinion, Maher , with his rapier wit, could have made a better case for the lunacy that accompanies most fundamentalist interpretations of religion. There WERE moments though … like when he spars intellectually with Jesus at a religious theme park. Jesus, by the way, turns out to be a big Bill Maher fan. Who knew? Anyhow, I think the point Maher was trying to make, however successfully, is that faith and religion are predicated on certainty, and life and reality just don’t work that way for many people. My big beef with organized religion concerns the amount of blood that is (and has historically been) spilled in the name of g-d. In my humble opinion, something is fundamentally wrong with the belief that it is o.k to kill someone because their actions or beliefs differ from yours. Murder the abortion doctor to celebrate one’s right to life. Drive a plane into the Twin Towers to seek revenge on the western infidel. I’m all for faith and hope, but I don’t think those concepts are well served by violence, hatred, and promises of eternal hellfire. By the way, what’s so great about virgins?



I head back up to the Great White North tomorrow. Tax returns have been filed, estimated payments have been made, unnecessary cable services were cancelled (I just found out that my deceased father has been paying for internet for the past year) …. And breakfast was served (albeit at 12:30AM). I’m just rolling with the punches. - Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 4/5/10

Having now observed seven of the eight days of Passover, or as we Jews affectionately refer to it, “Starch Madness”, I will be happy to once again be eating leavened bread. Apparently the supermarkets in Huntsville do not see fit to carry a stock of matzo, or unleavened bread, so important for this holiday, and we had to procure ours in Toronto. Considering the ingredients, water and flour, I am surprised by how expensive it is (over $6 a box in one store). I should go into the Kosher food business. Of course my mother-in-law found it for less than half that price. I don’t much like matzo. Matzo ball soup is fine, but for me eating plain matzo is like eating cardboard. Besides that, it’s constipating. As I said in last week’s report, Passover celebrates the Jews freedom from Egyptian slavery, but I was a little puzzled about one aspect of the story of their emigration from Egypt. After leaving Egypt, they reportedly spent forty years in the desert before they reached the Promised Land. It doesn’t look like THAT long a walk to me; did Moses forget his GPS? One of my Jewish friends told me that one theory about why it took so long is that the Jews waited to reach the Promised Land until they had produced a generation NOT born into slavery. This makes some sense. I thought they were just perfecting the production of the world’s most expensive unleavened bread.



A belated Happy April Fools Day to all my readers. April first up here in the GWN was marked by unusually warm weather. Tell me, where did it become a tradition to commit mischief on the first day of April? I spent Not-So-Bad Friday helping our neighbor put in his dock. I also launched our folding boat in the lake for my earliest boat ride ever. That Porta-Bote is an amazing boat. We used it to float dock sections out into the lake, and it worked like a charm. It’s very sturdy. There is a great photo available at the Porta-Bote website showing a boat like mine, filled with 600 pounds of concrete, as it lands in the water, having been dropped from a height of 21 feet. The test, done I believe by the Japanese Coast Guard, was conducted to illustrate how durable the polypropylene hull was. I’ve had a lot of fun with that boat, and despite a few design flaws (like the seats for instance), it really is bulletproof.



As of last Tuesday night, the Toronto Maple Leafs are statistically eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs, again. While I knew that day would come, I really thought they had a shot this year. They’ve all but replaced the team in the past six months, and they seemed to be winning for a change. I suppose I must write this one off as another “rebuilding year” … again. Time to start rooting for the Sabres, again. And yes, I am a hockey whore. By the way, the Leafs finally beat the Sabres the other night, after failing to do so in I think the last six consecutive attempts. Of course, they did so when it no longer mattered and when they were out of the running! And speaking of hockey, the other night, I watched about half of a movie about snappy dresser Don Cherry’s life, and I found it quite interesting. I think it was produced by his son. As much of a bonehead as Cherry seems to be as an announcer on Hockey Night in Canada, there is, as the movie points out, a human side to the guy. I guess he’s a little like the Don Rickles of the hockey world.



Just before Easter Sunday, I watched a few “experts” spar on Larry King Live over the latest controversy involving the Catholic Church. The issue was whether or not Pope Benedict XVI was guilty of delaying justice for Michael Teta, an Arizona priest accused of molesting two boys, seven and nine, twelve years ago. The argument goes that the Pope, then Cardinal Ratzinger, knowingly ignored Teta’s onerous transgressions and was therefore culpable. This blind eye approach seems to be an ongoing problem with the Church, and if it is not addressed soon, it will eclipse all that is good about Catholicism. I’ve got a novel idea for the Vatican, try abandoning the ridiculous and unnatural practice of enforced celibacy. If a priest elects to remain celibate, good for him, but forcing celibacy on grown men, as we have seen, has horrible and irreversible consequences. Perhaps offenders should, among other things, be forced to eat copious amounts of matzo … maybe even gefilte fish if they are really bad.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 3/29/10

Well, it’s that time of year again, when the crocuses begin to bloom (prematurely), the ice melts (causing floods), the animals begin to emerge from their winter sleep (to rummage through our garbage), the Toronto Maple Leafs once again find themselves in a “too-little-too-late” position to make the playoffs … and I look through the swap sheet for toys I cannot afford. There is a Canadian buy and sell service available known as Kijiji, and online I can browse the 1500 or more ATV’s and motorcycles available in my area with the click of a mouse. Akin to window shopping, I call this monitor shopping, and it is much cheaper than buying the weekly swap sheet for three bucks. I love to comparison shop, and while I am rather half-heartedly searching for a good bargain on a used ATV, I’m in no hurry. That said, there are some decent bargains out there. Last summer I had access to a 4x4 Suzuki ATV owned by one of the carpenters, who brought it to use on our job. Not only was it fun to play with, it was also quite handy. I used it several times to haul firewood down to the house from the top of our long driveway. As well, we used it once to grade the driveway. One time, when a tree fell across the driveway, I cut it in half with a chainsaw and was able to pull the two halves out of the way in no time. A lot of people up here own snowmobiles, but I’ve never really had much use for one of those. As toys go, ATVs are pretty good in the snow as well and I can use it all year round. I think they are even allowed on secondary roads if they are plated.



Last week, my cousin Louis Reich passed away in Buffalo, and family came in from all around for the funeral. My sister and brother-in-law drove in from New Canaan, Ct., cancelling plans to celebrate my brother-in-law’s 65th birthday. I felt bad for my brother-in-law - 65 is a big birthday - so, on Saturday I suggested we make a road trip to Niagara Falls to do a little male bonding. Ostensibly, our destination was Love Canal, but in fact these road trips are an excuse to get out of the house, cruise around, reminisce about relatively mundane events (like getting drunk), which have gradually been transformed into exciting adventures with the passage of time. Usually, we end up playing a little eight ball in a dive bar. Though I had been to Love Canal - they call it something different now, like Black Creek - last year with my pal Bob, it was still surprising to see that it has been almost entirely re-developed. Little low income houses have popped up everywhere and the area is full of residents. Gone are all the boarded, toxic carcasses of homes long since abandoned by the emigrating residents of Love Canal. Now, all that remains of the old development are a few bulldozed foundations and the odd remnant of construction debris. Even the bright yellow hazardous waste signs have been removed from the fence surrounding the adjacent containment site. Perhaps the area is once again safe for redevelopment, and I suppose they wouldn’t make the same mistake twice (hah!) but, not unlike an Indian burial ground, I think it might have been appropriate not to re-populate the area. The old school has been leveled, but we parked in the school parking lot and made the obligatory viewing of the actual canal. As we walked out onto the little bridge that spans the canal, we were both shocked to see a fluorescent green substance, not unlike anti-freeze, oozing out of a sewer pipe and directly into the canal water. I guess some things never change. Having sold industrial real estate in Western New York for more than two decades, I suspect that there are dozens of hazardous waste sites throughout Niagara and Erie Counties, many which are situated dangerously close to heavily populated areas.



Anyhow, I suppose a trip to Love Canal is no substitute for a special 65th birthday party, spent with a bunch of his old friends. Nevertheless, I’m glad Larry and I had the opportunity to spend a little time together. In keeping with his tendency to give cheap and inappropriate gifts, I bought him a grab bag from the local dollar store filled with things like a synthetic hair replacement, a pill container, a tin of potted ham (fifty-seven cents), and a book of Sudoku puzzles. Happy Birthday dude … live long and prosper! Today, Monday, I’m back up north to first night of Passover, and tonight I will attend a Seder supper with Shauna and her family. Passover is a Jewish holiday which lasts seven days and commemorates the freedom of the Jews from Egyptian slavery. It also marks a time when Jews all over the world eat unnatural foods like gefilte fish and matzo. I can‘t wait.



Louie, you were a good guy and we’ll all miss you.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 3-22-10

We have spent a good part of the past week cleaning this log home, and we are far from done. Feeling a bit like Sisyphus pushing the rock uphill, I persist. You might ask me what took us so long, given that we have been living in the house for the better part of a year. In fact, until very recently, there was still construction work going on here, and it’s useless to do a real clean until all the saws are out of the house. For a long time, they were using chainsaws IN the house; thankfully, those days are over. Chainsaws are obnoxious enough outdoors, but when they are used with the confines of an enclosed home, they become infinitely more annoying. Frankly - and I think I speak for anybody who has built a house from the ground up - there are pros and cons to being present through the entire construction process. On the plus side, you are apprised of any and all complications, and privy to decisions that are made. Believe me, there are ALWAYS problems. On the down side, you are constantly bombarded with the ever-present invasiveness of a construction project. I distinctly remember watching as the hole was cut out of our living room wall to make room for the chimney flue. Watching the carpenter chain saw a four foot hole in the tallest log wall in our home, I cringed. What is it they say, you’ve got to break a few eggs to make an omelet? In fact, I am thankful to have had the privilege to watch this house being built, from beginning to end … and I have no desire to EVER do it again.




As I begin writing this week’s report, we have hired a company  that specializes in vacuuming out heating ducts, because there is an enormous amount of construction debris that ends up in those ducts. Not only is this bad for the furnaces, but it means that dust blows up through the vents every time the furnaces kick on. Of course, in our infinite wisdom and sense of organization, we waited through almost an entire heating season before doing this, thus allowing all that debris to be spread throughout the house. This duct vacuuming is more complicated than I thought it would be, and to properly remove all the sawdust, screws, etc. requires a serious vacuum as well as a pneumatic device to blow all the crap from the upstairs vents down to the basement. Luckily the weather has been remarkably mild, and we won’t freeze because of windows that must left open to allow for air hoses to be passed through from the van outside. Hopefully, when this procedure is completed, we won’t have so much dust accumulating in the house. We’ll see.



In the soft news department, “Outlaw” biker star Jesse James apparently cheated on America’s sweetheart and recent Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. Is nothing sacred … I thought those two were so happy together? Tiger Woods has completed his obligatory three months of public contrition and has now announced he will return to the PGA tour. Record-busting swindler-turned-convict, Bernie Madoff-with-the-money, was reportedly beaten up in prison a few months ago, to almost everyone’s approval. The irony of his assault is that it will probably necessitate some kind of special prison treatment, and this will likely cost John Q. Public even more money than this putz has already squandered. A moment of righteous indignation … sometimes, just sometimes, I long for the good old days when blatantly guilty wrongdoers were boiled in oil. Talk about your ratings booster … give me a thirty-second spot on that T.V. coverage! When I think back a few centuries to all those innocent women burned at the stake in Salem, and here’s Bernie complaining because his chipped beef is cold. I suppose a slow death in prison is about as much justice as we can expect, after all this IS a civilized society, right? Hmph. President Obama’s big health care initiative has come down to the final vote, and as of last Friday there were only ten votes needed to kill his bill, with thirty-five votes still undecided. While I applaud the noble intentions of universal health care, I wonder if any emphasis is being given to enforcing pro-active, preventative medicine. If we are going to make health care coverage mandatory, is it not also fair to enforce a “Twinkie/Marlboro Tax” on all the apathetic slobs who so willingly disregard their own health to the considerable expense of their recently appointed “comrades” … and yes, I’m cynical. We just built a house.



Go Leafs.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED