Our 2021 got off
to a bumpy start. We are not big New Year’s Eve celebrators. Typically, we stay
home, fix a good dinner, and watch the televised ball drop in NYC, half asleep
on the couch. We used to watch Dick Clarke’s Rockin’ New Years Eve show, but
when Ryan Seabreeze took over, I lost interest. Now we watch the CNN version. Essentially,
that consists of 3 hours of vacuous banter by Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen.
In case you missed it, they downed shots of tequila on the hour, then proceeded
to giggle like kindergarten students making poopy jokes. Walter Cronkite must
be turning over in his grave. I switched over to Seabreeze for a moment, when
the schoolboys went to a commercial break, and was gobsmacked to hear what
passes for pop music these days. Ugh. Finally, the ball dropped, and 2020 was
officially over. We were proud of ourselves for having stayed awake for this
momentous event.
Of course, the
new year began with the traditional kiss with my wife. Immediately thereafter,
we noticed that our little gremlin pup Sydney was acting strangely. She was chasing
her tail, and, upon further investigation, we discovered that she had a “hanger”
coming out of her butt. Of all the Miniature Schnauzers that have been a part
of our family, Sydney is the worst for picking up and eating things she shouldn’t.
When that item involves string or hair, we get hangers. In the past 7 months I’ve
fished dozens of foreign objects out of our puppy’s mouth, including, but not
limited to paper clips, rubber bands, pencils, slippers, socks, underwear, my
guitar tuner; in short, anything that happens to drop on the floor. And she is
fast. If I drop something and don’t snag it in less than 4 seconds, she’s got
it and off she goes. She picks my pockets and is very fond of Kleenex. When she
steals one, she then proudly scampers off, shaking it like it’s a dead animal. Short
story long, after the first kiss of the year, 2021 began with me on my knees, fishing
Kleenex out of our dog’s butt. It was like one of those never-ending scarf tricks
that magicians perform. I have a friend whose Lab once swallowed an entire
wiffle ball bat. She showed me the X-ray. How does a dog do that? I’d like to
think Sydney will outgrow this Kleenex fixation, but I’m concerned. I know some
people who live up here with a Newfoundland puppy, and the dog already weighs
well over 100 Lbs. They have my sympathy. MUCH bigger hangers.
Anyhow, Happy
New Year to my now thirteen loyal readers. There has been much speculation
about what the future holds in store for all of us. If you consult one news source
or another, you’ll get two completely different answers. As I said in my last report of 2020, I made a
habit of lampooning current events in my early years. Lately, I wouldn’t know
where to start. The United States has become one big televised championship
wrestling event. When I began to write
this report in 1992, I was cockier, and thought I knew right from wrong. I’m so
turned around these days, and I’m just getting more and more confused.
While I am
genuinely hopeful and confident that life will be better in the coming year, I
know it all hinges on how we behave as human beings. A friend from Hunters Bay
Radio once told me that he felt social media was the bane of mankind. The fact
is, we don’t need to believe everything we read; that’s our choice. Somehow,
social media has spawned a tornado of excrement so massive that no one knows
how to break free. When someone points to an innocent man and publicly declares
that the man is a child molester, it might be patently untrue, but the damage
is done as soon as the accusation is made. We might think we don’t judge people
unfairly, but it happens every day. The way “information” spreads these days, unfair
judgment spreads like wildfire. Fear and hatred are as old as the hills, and
right now, those two human characteristics are the enemy, not some self-absorbed,
hamburger-hoovering troll with a combover.
I think a lot of
people expect 2021 to miraculously reverse the downward spiral of mankind, but I
suspect it’s going to take more than a vaccine and a change of leadership. I don’t
make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I take it day by day, but my ritual every
morning is to down a shot of organic apple cider vinegar and make a toast to life,
with the hope I can do more good than harm, to myself and others. I do have an unselfish wish for mankind. Let’s
get our act together, shall we? We are better than this.
Happy New Year
everyone. May you feel less anxiety and maybe even some genuine contentment in
the coming year. Sydney …NO! Don’t eat THAT!! Sorry, gotta go.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2021 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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