The Oppenheimer Report - 3/9/20

To extrapolate from several other articles I have written recently, the subject of today’ rant is stress. With all the news about the ever-growing epidemic of COVID-19, and the seemingly endless reporting on scandal and indecent behavior by American politicians and celebrities, I sense my stress growing. Humour has always been my go-to remedy for this, and it is the reason I began writing this weekly report in 1992. The reports began as a therapeutic exercise in poking fun at the omnipresent barrage of bad news. Back when I started writing the Oppenheimer Report, I lampooned the Savings and Loan crisis, religious zealots who were cheating their flock, and the general misbehavior of celebrities. I had a field day with Rump, who was at the time divorcing his first wife Ivana. Sometimes, the only think we can do is laugh at this nonsense. Writing these reports was cathartic for me, and it still is. One of the many things that attracted me to my lovely wife Shauna is that she is very funny and as well she appreciates my occasionally deviant sense of humour. While we were still courting, she drove all the way down from Toronto to Buffalo, rented a gorilla costume, and showed up at my place of work in disguise to surprise me on my birthday. How many other women would do that?

If ever we needed a little humour in our lives it is right now. The stock market is plummeting, and the double whammy of economic uncertainty and an apparent global lack of leadership has me twirling my beard constantly. As Shauna and I sometimes do, we were browsing Facebook together, and we saw something that gave us both a belly laugh.  On the page of one of her cousins was a post reporting that the U.S., and perhaps other countries as well, have declared a ban on travel to Iran. I suppose that is due to the dangerous spread of the COVID-19 virus there, and while that is not funny in and of itself, somebody sarcastically commented underneath that message (and I paraphrase): “There go my plans for Spring Break in Iran!” Sometimes the only way to deal with bad news is to laugh.

Last week, I wrote a tongue in cheek report about the above-mentioned preponderance of bad news. While my inclination to be in denial is growing, that has negative side effects. I tend to internalize the bad information, but even if I try to ignore it, that information has a way of taking root in my subconscious. Apparently, that doesn’t just happen to me. The other night, we were watching some vacuous, amusing, non-news reality television, and I was astounded by an ad that came on. It started out “Do nothing for fifteen seconds ..” and there was the image of leaves on a tree, and an icon that changed colour as fifteen seconds passed.  It was an ad for a free phone app that is designed to calm the user down. Call me a 64-year-old Luddite, but do I really need my cell phone to remind me to calm down? Isn’t that a little like putting the fox in charge of the henhouse? I feel the same way about this as I do about a watch that reminds me that I’m a lazy slug. I understand that all these applications and programs for the computer are probably the way of the future, and possibly even helpful and therapeutic, but at what point does common sense come into play here?

As the orange turd, my walking talking Commander-In-Tweet, spouts off his latest ignorant rant on one of the countless subjects about which he is profoundly ill-equipped to comment, and as we lemmings blindly approach the cliff of no return, assuming some adult is in charge, I suggest watching “Big Brother”. I do not think there is a better human barometer for where we are headed. Perhaps if we stop using the application on our phones which automatically turn the lights off in our house, we won’t need the watch to tell us that we’re being lazy. If you’re stressed out, listen to your body. I suggest you take a break, take a few deep breaths, find something about which to laugh, and dream about pina coladas on the shores of the Persian Gulf. I’m told Iran is lovely this time of year, if you can get there.


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer  ©2020  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED