ARCHIVED The Oppenheimer Report - March 18, 1992

Tragic news in the Daily Mail … Fergie and Prince Andrew will separate. Stand in line girls “Randy Andy” is back! But he cautions: “No more bloody plebes!” And in a related story Tammy Faye Bakker tearfully announced plans to divorce her humpin’ hubby Jim. Sobbing cheap, mascara-saturated tears Mrs. Bakker confided: “I can’t share him with another man … loosely translated, “You can take the T.V. ministry business and shove it … I know where he stashed the loot!” Jim Bakker, recently spotted walking like Walter Brennan in “The Real McCoys” could not be reached for comment. Leona Helmsley, hospitalized after she learned that she will spend the next four years behind bars for tax fraud, tearfully pleaded with the judge: Who will change Harry’s “Depends”??? Nice try Queenie,  he’s IRS lunchmeat too!

p.2  On the Hollywood homefront: Richard Gere makes an especially generous gift to the SPCA with the proviso that the monies be target for small, abused rodents, Geraldo R. affectionately referred to by friends and enemies alike as “Butthead” has had yet another slab of his rear end cut off and implanted on his face, and what’s-her-face who plays what’s-her-face on “Murder That Bitch” was fined for impersonating an aspirin expert. Controversial and allegedly deceased rock star Jim Morrison was spotted in a Winn Dixie in Coral Gables, Florida buying sprouts, tofu, and mineral water. Take that Oliver Stone. Zsa Zsa Gabor is back in the news after reports she kicked, beat, and generally abused an L.A. policeman last week. A spokesperson for the LAPD had this to say: “Well, she won’t get off so easy THIS time … this time we got her on videotape!” And finally, a bitter fight is breaking out over Flipper’s estate, valued at between $20Million and $30 Million. Never legally divorced from his first with, Flipper was apparently married four times. Trial is set for June in People’s Court. Show biz can be so ugly. This is Hyman, good day!