Monday, December 23, 2019

The Oppenheimer Report 12/23/19


To my readers, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Three Kings Day, and  Merry Kwanzaa. Whatever you celebrate, I hope you enjoy yourselves. I for one will be participating in my annual ritual of attempting to watch every Christmas movie and TV special. This list includes, but is not limited to, “It’s A Wonderful Life”, “A Christmas Carol” (the Alastair Sim version of course), “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”, “Miracle On 34th Street”, and at least one maudlin, Mystery-Science-Theatre version of a tacky Hallmark Christmas special. It would not be uncommon for me to watch some of those programs more than once during the week. I make no apologies; this is who I am.

To follow is another old Oppenheimer Report reprised from the vault for your reading pleasure. Clearly, I had something against Michael Jackson at the time. Again, this report is over 20 years old, and so it may seem a little dated:

The Oppenheimer Report – 12/23/96 …
The stabbings, beatings, shootings, and general hand-to-hand combat continue over the “Tickle-Me-Elmo” toy shortage. Major arenas in the Western New York Area and parts of Ohio are forming in this emerging, violent crisis, and Henry Kissinger has been called in to mediate. Yes, it’s a battlefield out there; a messy, bloody, in-your-face holiday hell hole, and if you’re going to venture out to the malls, you’d better carry your stun gun and wear a flak vest. Retail has never looked so ugly before.
Marge Schott, notorious bigot and one-time owner of The Cincinnati Reds, recently banned from pro baseball, at least for the time being, has been admitted to the hospital. Guess where she ended up? The Cincinnati Jewish Hospital. I guess she would say “those people” make good doctors. Taste the irony.

O.J. Simpson won the custody battle for his little boy and girl. I think that’s nice. Now those kids can spend Christmas with the guy whom almost everyone believes cut off their mommy’s head.  I’m sure those kids will grow up to lead normal lives. O.J. … the news story that keeps on giving.
Speaking of endangered children, Michael Jackson’s baby receptacle will receive $1.25 Million for producing The Gloved One’s issue, and she will continue to receive about $300,000 per year, as long as she remains “with” Jackson.  I assume this fee includes adherence to a gag order, prohibiting her from revealing any juicy family secrets. If she goes nine rounds, she could rake in a few million bucks, but personally, I think she got hosed. A few million bucks to carry the bleached one’s baby does not seem like adequate compensation. Try adding a zero to that number, and maybe include a lifetime supply of Prozac.    

Two celebrities died last week: film star Marcello Mastroianni and astronomer Carl Sagan. I watched Carl Sagan being interviewed shortly before his death. As usual, he put it all into perspective, dismissing his mortality as an insignificant event in the grand scheme of things. What an interesting man he was, and how he inspired us to use our imaginations! I loved his show “Cosmos”. Why is it that more people know who Michael Jackson is than know who Carl Sagan is? This is probably for the same reason that Michael Jackson gets paid over fifty times what the most prominent heart surgeon makes. Go figure.

To follow is part of a holiday song I wrote years ago, entitled “Nothing Comes For Free”:

“REINDEER ON THE ROOFTOPS, RED LIGHTS IN THE TREES
CHRISTMAS CARDS AND CAROLERS, SANTA ON TV

SHOPPING MALLS ARE MANIC, BUYERS ON A SPREE
TRAFFIC JAMS AND WAVING HANDS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE

ARMY BELLS ARE RINGING, CALLING YOU AND ME
RINGING FOR SALVATION BUT SALVATION HAS A FEE

ONE DAY CHRISTMAS KINDNESS AND GOODWILL FILL THE STREETS
THE NEXT DAY THINGS ARE DIFFERENT, I THINK YOU WILL AGREE

Cho:
IT’S WHISPERED IN THE SNOWFALL, I HEAR IT IN THE TREES
IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SKY TONIGHT, NOTHING COMES FOR FREE…”

Have a Merry Christmas everyone, and remember, Christmas shouldn’t be about gift giving.  Spend less money and give more love. From the North Pole, this is Santa’s favorite industrial real estate broker, signing off.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2019
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
jamieoppenheimersongwriter@gmail.com

Jamie Oppenheimer, Songwriter, Author, Blogger, Radio Producer, & Host has been writing THE OPPENHEIMER REPORT every MONDAY since 1992 and has published the articles on his blog since 2006. We are including Jamie's weekly reports, as a feature of #HuntersBayRadio, The Bay 88.7FM.

No comments: