1/24/99 - Coming from Buffalo, I am always
amused to watch inexperienced drivers try to negotiate snow. Some people just
can’t figure it out, and, as a result, the rest of us suffer. This is why I am offering the
following helpful tips about driving in winter weather:
1. If you park outside in the
winter, as many people do, clear the snow off your windows before you
begin driving ... that is, assuming you have enough common sense to carry a snow brush and/or scraper.
Otherwise, you’re flying blind until your defroster kicks in, and this is no
way to face the onslaught of other commuter cretins, bent on endangering the
general public with their imbecilic lack of common sense. Why not just
blindfold yourself, hit the accelerator
and hope for the best?
2. A good rule of thumb is that, if
the snowbank into which your car has been plowed is higher than your wheels,
you aren’t going anywhere until you DIG YOURSELF OUT. That is, with a
shovel. The laws of physics being what they are, one cannot remove a car from a
snowbank by throwing the car into DRIVE and furiously gunning the engine. If, in your pursuit of the ultimate urban assault
vehicle, you are ridiculous enough to
own a Hummer, you might actually be able to extricate yourself from a snowbank
with brute 4-wheel drive force. Then again,
Hummers are so wide they don’t fit down most unplowed side streets.
Which brings me to tip #3...
3. Just because you bought a
four-wheel drive vehicle - and this does not even include those puny little
“all wheel drive” rice burners with their piddling little toothpick drive
trains - doesn’t mean your vehicle will
get you through anything. Snow tires and ABS will help, but all vehicles
will slide on ice. Also, four-wheel
drive is substantially more expensive to repair when you overestimate its
abilities and burn out your transmission. I read an article in the Wall Street
Journal (and quit snickering ... I read real newspapers sometimes) about all
the meatheads with expensive four wheel drive vehicles, who became stranded during the latest big snow
storm in Chicago. Many of them blew up their engines and transmissions trying
unsuccessfully to free themselves from snowbanks. This, of course, has been a
windfall for transmission shops and dealer service departments, but represents
a four thousand dollar transmission repair bill
for the clueless owners. Learn to rock your car out of a snowbank, and
know when to give up. If you car isn’t moving at all while you continuously
spin your wheels for twenty minutes, maybe you’re not oing anywhere without a good push, CAA,
AAA, or a tow truck. Get over it.
One of the best cars I ever owned
for its winter traction was my 1970 VW
Beetle. Front wheel drive is good too,
but one must understand the concept of under steer. My friend Bob and I once
got “busted” by a Niagara Falls Park policeman in the Goat Island parking lot,
which in Western New York is widely respected as the winter proving grounds for
all vehicles you don’t care too much about. We were “running some tests” on
under steer, and got a little carried away. We found out that, with front wheel
drive, it’s much easier to do a “360" in reverse, during which
epiphany we almost hit several light standards. We also learned a valuable
lesson that saved me from many a snowbank encounter. With front wheel drive, if you go into a turn
too fast, and experience under steer, hit the parking brake for a moment, and
the back end will kick around. Bob told the policeman we were from Road and
Track, but I don’t think the guy bought it.
Seriously folks, if you don’t know
how to drive in snow, figure it out, or don’t drive. Practice in an icy parking
lot ... buy Buffalo Jim’s Ninja Winter Driving Video. Trust me, I’m from
Buffalo ... I have a black belt in winter driving.
-Jamie Oppenheimer
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