Monday, March 13, 2017

The Oppenheimer Report - 3/13/17

Today I took a walk along the perimeter of our frozen lake wearing snowshoes. After a recent thaw, the lake re-froze, and in so doing caused ice to expand and pile up against the shore. I took some photographs of the phenomenon, hiked down the bay for about a quarter mile, then headed home. It's been brutally cold this past week and while spring is officially just around the corner, after a strange and unseasonably warm February, we are once again hearing the expression "polar vortex" in the forcast. Apparently there is at least one more whopper of a winter storm blowing this way, and I'm ready to bid this winter adieu. To follow is an old Opp Report I wrote on January 24, 1999 ...

1/24/99 - Coming from Buffalo, I am always amused to watch inexperienced drivers try to negotiate snow. Some people just can’t figure it out, and, as a result, the rest of  us suffer. This is why I am offering the following helpful tips about driving in winter weather:

1. If you park outside in the winter, as many people do, clear the snow off your windows before you begin driving ... that is, assuming you have enough common sense  to carry a snow brush and/or scraper. Otherwise, you’re flying blind until your defroster kicks in, and this is no way to face the onslaught of other commuter cretins, bent on endangering the general public with their imbecilic lack of common sense. Why not just blindfold yourself, hit the accelerator  and hope for the best?

2. A good rule of thumb is that, if the snowbank into which your car has been plowed is higher than your wheels, you aren’t going anywhere until you DIG YOURSELF OUT. That is, with a shovel. The laws of physics being what they are, one cannot remove a car from a snowbank by throwing the car into DRIVE and furiously gunning the engine.  If, in your pursuit of the ultimate urban assault vehicle, you are ridiculous  enough to own a Hummer, you might actually be able to extricate yourself from a snowbank with brute 4-wheel drive force. Then again,  Hummers are so wide they don’t fit down most unplowed side streets. Which brings me  to tip #3...

3. Just because you bought a four-wheel drive vehicle - and this does not even include those puny little “all wheel drive” rice burners with their piddling little toothpick drive trains - doesn’t mean your vehicle  will get you through anything. Snow tires and ABS will help, but all vehicles will slide on ice.  Also, four-wheel drive is substantially more expensive to repair when you overestimate its abilities and burn out your transmission. I read an article in the Wall Street Journal (and quit snickering ... I read real newspapers sometimes) about all the meatheads with expensive four wheel drive vehicles, who  became stranded during the latest big snow storm in Chicago. Many of them blew up their engines and transmissions trying unsuccessfully to free themselves from snowbanks. This, of course, has been a windfall for transmission shops and dealer service departments, but represents a four thousand dollar transmission repair bill  for the clueless owners. Learn to rock your car out of a snowbank, and know when to give up. If you car isn’t moving at all while you continuously spin your wheels for twenty minutes, maybe you’re not  oing anywhere without a good push, CAA, AAA,  or a tow truck. Get over it.
                                  
One of the best cars I ever owned for its  winter traction was my 1970 VW Beetle.  Front wheel drive is good too, but one must understand the concept of under steer. My friend Bob and I once got “busted” by a Niagara Falls Park policeman in the Goat Island parking lot, which in Western New York is widely respected as the winter proving grounds for all vehicles you don’t care too much about. We were “running some tests” on under steer, and got a little carried away. We found out that, with front wheel drive, it’s  much easier to  do a “360" in reverse, during which epiphany we almost hit several light standards. We also learned a valuable lesson that saved me from many a snowbank encounter.  With front wheel drive, if you go into a turn too fast, and experience under steer, hit the parking brake for a moment, and the back end will kick around. Bob told the policeman we were from Road and Track, but I don’t think the guy bought it.
                                                                     
Seriously folks, if you don’t know how to drive in snow, figure it out, or don’t drive. Practice in an icy parking lot ... buy Buffalo Jim’s Ninja Winter Driving Video. Trust me, I’m from Buffalo ... I have a black belt in winter driving. 

                      -Jamie Oppenheimer

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