The Oppenheimer Report 12/12/16

Everybody has at least one recipe they can call their own, something no one else knows how to make as well as they do. For some people it’s scrambled eggs, for others it’s a secret barbecue sauce. For my father it was boiled water. My mother had a potato salad recipe handed down from her mother, and it is the best I’ve ever tasted. My wife Shauna makes a chicken dish she claims was sent to her telepathically by her deceased grandmother, and I love that dish. I suppose I could learn how to make some of these special recipes, but that would spoil the mystery. Somehow it never tastes the same when it isn’t made by the original cook/baker. I prefer to have it served to me and to live with the illusion that no one save for the original cook could make it just the same.

My claim to fame is granola. I’ve been making granola for at least 30 years and I think I’ve finally perfected it. The trick is in the oven temperature. You might say granola isn't a big deal! Let me tell you something; the older I get, the more obsessed I become with my lower intestine. I’m a regular guy, and I have become increasingly concerned with insuring I stay that way.  Cereal with lots of oats and fiber-rich grains keeps the plumbing clear. I’ve spent a little more time with geriatric nurses than I care to admit, and one of many the things I learned is that keeping the pipes clean is fundamental to good health. Believe it or not, bowel obstruction is a common cause of death in nursing homes.

Last summer, I went to one of the snootier boutique food stores in Huntsville, the one that caters to all the wealthy “citiot” cottagers who come up from Toronto. After I bought my over-priced apple, I browsed the aisles to peruse the fancy over-priced foods available for sale, and I began to experience sticker shock! A rather small bag of “homemade” (whose home, by the way?) pasta was $7.99, but the thing that really floored me were the granola prices. I half-considered buying a small bag of snooty store granola that looked enticing, until I saw the price. A very small bag was close to ten bucks! On principle (read, I’m way too cheap), I did not buy it. I read the ingredients on the back of the package, figuring maybe there was some remarkably expensive nut or berry that could justify the high price, but in fact, it was simply over-priced granola. If you’re going to charge ten bucks for a bag of granola, give me more than four helpings!  Even with expensive nuts (I put cashews and almonds in my granola) and honey, I can make the equivalent of ten cereal boxes of granola for under twenty bucks.

There was a story on the news the other night about the rising cost of food in Canada, and the growing pressure on Canadian food banks. There is speculation that the imminent leadership change in America may not bode well for the future cost of food produced in the States. If Rump runs all the illegal immigrants out of America, some wonder who will harvest the crops? I don’t think Rump will do what he so adamantly proclaimed he would. He’s backed off a lot of his other campaign vows and there’s no reason to suggest he will abide by this one. Still, if he does, how will that impact the economy? Right now in Huntsville there are numerous holiday drives going on to fill the larders of local food banks. Shauna and I make a generous annual contribution to the local food bank, and in general I have begun to redirect my charitable contributions to local charities. I’m beginning to realize that my contributions made to local charities are far more likely to be efficiently used than my contributions to bigger charities, the ones that send out four direct mail requests per year and spend countless millions sending out pens, calendars, and return address stickers.

Does anyone else find it ironic that we live in a time when we can video conference with people across the globe on a cell phone, but we are destroying our drinking water and our food supply is dwindling. Granola for ten bucks a bag. Jeesh.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2016 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED