This time, twenty-two years ago, Shauna and I were getting ready for our
big wedding at the Royal York Hotel, preparing to recite our vows in front of 250+
friends and family from all over the world. We’d been without sleep for days,
making the final preparations, but it was all worth it. Shauna and her parents
created the most beautiful wedding that I have ever attended, and everything
they had planned and arranged for over a year, every detail of that spectacular
event, came off without a hitch. The only problem was that it all went by in
a flash. Through all the excitement, I was on auto pilot, and much
of the night was a hazy memory to me. The image I do have branded indelibly in my
memory, is the soft lens image of Shauna in white, looking otherworldly as she
walked slowly up the aisle to meet me under the chuppah. I spoke my vows, she
spoke hers, and I, the unobservant Jew, spoke a few words of Hebrew that I had struggled
to memorize. The ceremony seemed to go by quickly, and then it was time to celebrate. The
reception was wonderful. Toronto’s Guido Basso and his big band rocked the
house in the Royal York Imperial Room, and inspired even the most dance-challenged out onto the floor. The food was
fantastic, everybody danced, drank, and celebrated, and it was the most
memorable event that I can hardly remember. I have to watch the video to see
what transpired. All the people I knew and greeted, or to whom I was introduced
for the first time, are a blur to me now. So many emotions overtook me at the
time, fueled by exhilaration and exhaustion, but inside, I felt an uncharacteristic
peace. I knew this was right for me, for us. I remember sitting in the Calgary airport
the next day, waiting for our luggage, which of course was lost, before we
headed off to Banff. I felt a little like I imagine the couple felt at the end of “The
Graduate”, driving away on that bus. We were completely uncertain about
what the future would hold, but we were hopeful and optimistic.
In this blog, I’ve written many times about learning to be present, to
live in the moment, yet I struggle with this daily. Of late, I have been
extremely anxious and distracted. Contentment can be elusive, even when, to
outsiders looking in, our life is perfect. My grief over James’ passing took me
by surprise, and has really shaken me. His loss has been an unfolding
epiphany. Perhaps it is short-lived – it always seems to take me longer
than most to learn life’s lessons – but as our life unravels in its usual, chaotic
way, and time scatters like leaves in an autumn wind storm, I am learning to
accept and feel the pain. Only then can I know and feel joy. It’s the yin
and the yang of life, and there is no playbook for this. It sure helps to have
a partner with whom I can share the journey. James was many things to many people,
and a saint to some. I knew James as a fabulous, complicated, and flawed man. Being around him as much as
I was near his end, I saw his imperfections and his vulnerability. It was those
very things that endeared him to me. He had so much to offer with his crazy,
beautiful mind, and he gave and received so much love. Perhaps he needed to
know that someone recognized that about him at the end. Perhaps Shauna and I were
what he needed at the time; simple acceptance with no judgment. His marriages
failed, but I think he found salvation in the love for and from his little girl. She
was, in many ways, his universe.
I spent the first thirty years of my life anesthetizing myself in
various ways, with delusion, with false dreams, with denial; with alcohol.
Eventually, we all come face to face with ourselves, whether we want to or not.
Not everyone falls in love with the person in the mirror. It is through the
people we let into our lives, whom we choose to trust with all our dirty little
secrets, our insecurities, our flawed hearts, that we grow to love ourselves
and others. These past 22 years have been such a blessing for Shauna and me, and I
cannot imagine spending those years with any better partner. She has taught me
to love myself, almost as much as she loves me, and for that, I am grateful
beyond words.
Final note: one should never play Scrabble without a dictionary, as
Shauna and I did on our honeymoon.
I won that game dear, “digtion” is NOT a word.
-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2016 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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