The Oppenheimer Report 4/28/14

I always find something about which to chuckle when I open up my Facebook page, and last week, shortly after Easter, it was a black and white photo someone posted of the Easter Bunny holding  two crying children. In much the same way as Santa is frightening to some kids, an adult male wearing a rather realistic and disturbing rabbit’s head and rabbit feet mittens might be terrifying to some little kids. These children probably thought this giant rabbit was Godzilla. I reposted the photo with a note underneath which read: “The Anti-Bunny.” I suspect this will generate some controversy. Perhaps I should start a new tradition in my faith. What do you think of Morty the flesh-eating Chanukah zombie?  Hey, Google Krampus sometime, if you think I’m the only one creating weird holiday mascots.

Had a productive meeting last Monday with a local musician named Juan Barbosa, arguably one of the more talented singer/songwriters in these parts, and I will hopefully be hiring him to record several of my songs. We spent a couple of  hours talking about our respective tastes, referring occasionally to YouTube videos for reference, and I think we are on the same page as to what I hope to achieve. I might be one of the few songwriters out there who does not really want to go out and perform his songs. If Juan can translate some of my rough demos into polished songs, I will have accomplished what I hope to achieve. I simply want to give some of these songs life. I recently finished three demos with Dave Housser at nearby Bay Lake Studio, and while Dave did what he was supposed to do, I came to the realization that it’s time to let professionals take over on the performing side. It’s a learning process. I still want to use my fingernails-on-a-blackboard vocals on at least some of the tracks, but I’ll probably leave most of the music to professionals. I also hope to get my buddy Bobby Cameron back east from Edmonton to record some of my songs this spring/summer. Between Juan, Bobby and perhaps Sean Cotton and some other artists, maybe I can have an album of songs finished by summer’s end. I’m very excited about this project and it has inspired me to go back and finish some songs I tabled a decade ago. All of those songs are constantly rattling around in my head, and occasionally the missing lyric will come to me in the car, or the shower, or at 3AM. I have learned to get the words down on paper or on a tape recorder before they disappear.

Final notes…As I do on a semi-regular basis, I take a look at various news sources to see what’s going on in the world, and this week was a reminder of how much does not make headlines. Never have I been more confused about the information I glean from the internet, and new sources, especially concerning Russia and Syria. As an example, it has been reported that Right Sector gangster groups attacked Ukrainian soldiers in Slavyansk last week, but more and more it looks as if it was pro-Russian Putin thugs trying to make a case for Russia to step in and “restore order.” The Assad regime in Syria is again accused of using chemical weapons against its people. It is difficult to confirm some of these reports because it is so dangerous for reporters to cover these regions. What else. Two months before the World Cup finals are scheduled to begin in Brazil, there were riots in the streets of Rio, sparked by alleged police brutality. Not great press leading up to a world event. A bomb ripped through a Shiite political rally in Bagdad last Friday reportedly killing 28, and someone caught it on video. While I take most of what I find on the internet with a grain of salt, some of this video is undeniably compelling. Short of outlawing all cell phones and computers, I doubt that bad governments can put a lid on this information. The trick is sifting through the spin. Every so often, I take stock of my good fortune and remember to be thankful for my freedom. Sometimes I can’t help feeling the wolf is at the door.

Or is it just the Easter Bunny? - Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

THe Oppenheimer Report 4/21/14

A friend's Great Dane just had pups

The other night I was on my laptop, working out some lyrics for a new song, and as I sometimes do, I brought it upstairs with me to work on before I went to sleep. When I had finished for the night, I turned it off and put it on the floor next to my bed; there was no room on my end table. That was my big mistake. In the middle of the night, as I got up out of bed to answer one of Nature’s ever more frequent calls, I stepped on the laptop. It did not think this was a big problem until later that day, when I tried to turn the laptop on, and the screen looked like bad modern art. Of course I then had a mild freak out, wondering if the whole computer was toast. I am sure many of you have had that nauseating feeling before, suddenly realizing all of the information on your computer might be lost, and wondering if you had all of it backed up (knowing you probably didn’t).

I hooked the laptop up to our television set with an HDMI cable, and sure enough, the computer still worked. Hallelujah! But the screen was a goner. I can get a replacement screen for this laptop (from Dell), but it will take some time to acquire, and with installation, it won’t be cheap.  I have it hooked up to one of our small televisions, and that will suffice for now. You’re never too old to do really stupid things! The experience has reminded me how much I have come to rely on this computer, and I immediately did a current back up of my information so as to be protected should the hard drive fail. I rail on computers all the time, but I am a whiney hypocrite, because I am every bit as much a prisoner to its allures as the next misinformation junkie. That laptop is my filing cabinet for over 3000 photographs, and every song lyric, every letter, every Oppenheimer Report I have written since 1992, email correspondences, invoices, recorded demo songs, legal documents, etc. And I never thought I’d get sucked into the Face Book death star, but I’m there every day (and it’s amazing how many other people are as well). I’m watching my distant nieces and nephews grow up day by day, and with the click of a mouse I can catch up with a high school class mate whom I have not seen or heard from in forty years. Gone are the days when I took the time to compose a well-thought out letter. Now I can fire off some abbreviated and un-retractable “witticism” on the internet, which I later deem to be off the meter on the poor taste scale. Which brings me to my next deep thought: are we not living in a house of cards when so much of our information is “out there” to be stolen and used against us by strangers?

 

I heard on the news the other night that authorities have caught and arrested the hacker responsible for unleashing that much-publicized Heart Bleed virus which so compromised Canada’s online banking and tax filing system. It turns out the culprit was nineteen years old, I believe from the Great Toronto area, and the only reason he got caught is because he was foolish enough not to disguise his distinguishing IP address. His father is a computer guy in the business of data mining, and I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. He must be so proud of his son. This virus had a ripple effect on online banking, online retail, etc. and it means that hundreds of thousands of social insurance numbers, Canada’s equivalent to the U.S social security number, might have been revealed to nefarious third parties. It all reminds me of that prescient movie War Games, wherein a teenager computer whiz almost unleashes WWIII. The specter of identity theft looms ever higher with each one of these cyber breaches and it is a wake-up call to all of us who use computers. Wireless technology, and the omnipresence of the internet in almost every form of commerce, leave us vulnerable to cyber terrorism. Some of us think that if we don’t do our banking or shopping online, we are safe from cyber crime, but if you have a bank account, or a credit card, or a telephone, or any number of other utilities, the horse is probably out of the barn already, and he didn’t look before he leaped. I continue to delude myself that the powers that be have taken proper security precautions to ensure that nothing bad happens, but clearly this latest heartworm thing proves I have my head in the sand. If some enterprising teen can breach allegedly impenetrable security, how many other serious cyber threats are out there in the wings? Our governments for instance.

Final notes … the death toll is now 60 and climbing as rescuers attempt to recover over two hundred missing passengers, most of them high school kids, from that horrific ferry accident off the southwest coast f S. Korea. Looks as if the captain and the crew are largely responsible for the magnitude of the tragedy, and once again I ask, “who’s driving that thing anyway?” Violence continues to spread cross the Ukraine, and The Toronto Raptors managed to do what the Leafs failed to do: make the playoffs. A belated Happy Easter to all my gentile friends, and to all my fellow members of the tribe, Happy Passover. Thankfully Passover is over on Tuesday. Matzo plugs me up big time.

 

       Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

THe Oppenheimer Report 4-14-14

I suppose this story falls into the category of righteous indignation. Last Monday I went to the post office in Burk’s Falls to send in my U.S. tax return, and because I was mailing it from Canada, the IRS recommended I send it by some express service in order to guarantee timely delivery. Everyone knows I’m “thrifty”, so I asked the lady at the desk if a week was enough time to send the package via regular mail. She could not guarantee that in a week’s time my return would arrive in Austin Texas, so I took the rubber band off and sent it by Express Post. Next year my U.S. accountant will be E-filing, and I’ll save twenty bucks, that is if that new heart bleed, or heart worm, or whatever-it’s-called computer virus doesn’t invade my computer and steal all my information, costing me my life’s savings. Still, I am beginning to wonder if the postal service has not finally outlived its usefulness. I’d heard the Canadian postage rates were going up in March, so while at the post office, I inquired as to how much. One would figure a few cents, right? Hah! It now costs $1.20 to send a post card or letter to the United States from Canada, up from what I considered to be an outrageous $1.10. That seems like a big increase to me, but then I was told that it will now cost eighty-five cents to send a letter within Canada, a hike of twenty cents. AND, Canada Post is now talking about cutting back services. WTF!  Almost one dollar for the luxury of having my personal correspondence rerouted to Pago Pago. That actually happened to me once – I had a letter I mailed in Canada, returned to me after almost 6 months, and one of the several postmarks was American Samoa. Apart from signing the listing agreement and the sale contract, we essentially sold our condo down in Florida by fax and email, and those correspondences were almost instantaneous. I am still old fashioned enough to appreciate receiving a hand written letter or post card, although I’m sure most of my friends can’t say the same about a letter from me. My hand writing is illegible. Code breakers could not read my handwriting. I say send written correspondences by fax or email, and send packages by any number of private carriers who clearly understand the laws of competition better than our governments. Today I sent two important letters out, one to Toronto and one to Buffalo, and both of them are covered with five cent stamps to accommodate these exorbitant hikes. Postal rate hikes are annoying, but 30% hikes are bordering on absurd. Thank you Canada Post, may I have another.

In entertainment news, satirist Stephen Colbert will be taking over as host of the CBS 11:30 PM late night slot, replacing the retiring David Letterman in 2015. I always preferred Letterman over Leno, but now it’s time to usher in the new generation. Jimmy Fallon seems to have hit the ground running since replacing Jay Leno, and now former SNL head writer Seth Meyers has taken over Fallon’s old 12:30 AM spot. I think Seth has got some lernin’ to do. By the way, does anyone speak the King’s English anymore? I never feel as old as I do when I watch and listen to contemporary news anchors and talk show hosts. I go, like, it’s not like that big of a deal, and like, I understand that the majority of listeners are probably in their like twenties or thirties, but OMG, like, really? Sometimes Anderson Cooper sounds as if he was a valley girl, and he giggles as if he was a little school kid. Walter Cronkite never giggled. Same with Fallon and Meyers; while they speak in the vernacular of the young, this does not bode well for the future of communication. The kids these days, where’s my Metamucil, dammit?  

Final notes. After a hopeful week in the search for Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, searchers still have yet to locate the missing plane, and time is running out. Soon there will be no more locatable “pings.” I watched what I believe was the last game the Toronto Maple Leafs will play this year, as they became the fire hydrant to Ottawa’s lifted leg. As usual, after a hopeful start to the season, the Leafs did what they have done for the last forty years; they broke our hearts, again. It baffles me, it wounds me to the core, and since self-medication, which is the coping mechanism for so many other Leafs fans, is no longer an option for me, I must find some other way to purge my growing rage. Music therapy helps. Played the Burk’s Falls Tavern again last Friday night for coffee house night and I think my anemic performing skills are beginning to blossom. This time, no one threw any vegetables at me, and that was after a whopping four original songs. I am using my Leafs rage to help me grow as an artist. Spring has descended upon the Great White North like a screaming harpy, and our property is now a muddy, sloppy mess. There is still a lot of snow to melt, and while many of the lakes have been drawn down to compensate, flooding is still a very real threat along local waterways. Residents of nearby Huntsville are paying close attention, and no one wants a repeat of last year’s destructive floods. This just in: “Everything’s gonna be awesome, chill out people, it’s like, not that big of a deal.” So I go, "What  Ever."

 

                        -  Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 4/7/14

Last Friday night, as part of Shauna’s ongoing mission to make our upcoming 20^th Anniversary a series of memorable celebrations, we drove down to Toronto to see the legendary blues guitarist Buddy Guy play at Massey Hall. I can now happily cross him off my bucket list of performers to see before I go. Recently I finished reading Guy’s memoirs When I Left Home, which is all about his experiences in Chicago playing with other blues legends like Muddy Waters, Howlin’ Wolf, and Junior Wells. I found his performance to be all the more meaningful, because I knew a little about his history, and about his experiences at Chess Records. At 78, Guy still kicks ass and takes no prisoners, and I left that concert in awe of his ability to entertain. What Shauna and I did not realized when she purchased the tickets was that Guy would be touring with another one of our guitar heroes, Jonny Lang. What a treat it was to hear the two of them making their guitars wail!  I think that might be one of the top ten concerts I have ever attended. Over twenty years ago Shauna and I met because of our love of music, and since then, we have attended a lot of concerts together. Although her tastes are extremely varied, Shauna is a lover of the blues, and so am I. Seated behind me and to my left was the one and only Randy Bachman of The Guess Who and Bachman Turner Overdrive. Very cool.

Because we live in a rural area, and because I am a lazy sloth-like couch potato who can’t be bothered to shop in a regular store, I have taken to ordering a lot of stuff online. In the past two months I have ordered everything from dehydrated refried beans, to an audio cassette player that converts my cassettes into digital music files. In truth, this consumer is becoming consumed, and the intoxication that comes from buying online is beginning to get the better of me. I may be developing a problem. For some items, unavailable locally, online buying is the convenient solution. I have learned that, if it is a large purchase, it is a good idea to personally inspect the item somewhere before ordering it online. I ordered a top-rated sound bar to improve the audio quality of our TV, but it would not work (something about wireless connectivity), and I had to send the whole thing back. I’d never had to return something that large through the mail – it was in two parts and weighed about 40 pounds - and the lady at our local post office gave me a really dirty look. Still, returning it by mail was lot easier than schlepping it back to a store, which in my case would have been 500 kilometers away. Glad I kept the box, which I often foolishly destroy while unpacking. The other day I ordered some SD cards (digital storage cards for my camera and 8 track digital recorder) from an online computer store, and I will probably never do that again. Returning from the physiotherapist in Huntsville the other day, I got a call (hands free of course, because we all know it is illegal to hold a cell phone while driving) from Purolator delivery to inform me that my SD cards were undeliverable. Purlolator does not have “a station” in Katrine. Well who does?! I thought those guys deliver everywhere. I was mistaken. Apparently they will only deliver locally if there is enough demand in the area, and that does not happen in Katrine, in the middle of winter (which apparently April is around here ), when the snow and ice are 6’ high. For my $8 delivery charge (it was still a better deal than buying locally) I had to travel 12 kilometres to pick up the package. I was particularly amused to see that four SD cards, with a combined size of approximately 4 square inches, were packed in a box large enough to hold a box of Kleenex. A small padded envelope would have sufficed and would have fit in my P.O box in Katrine! Oy.

Did you ever notice that those stickers they put on produce are sometimes impossible to remove? You know, the ones which tell you in tiny letters that the product is actually from Mexico, even though the sign on the bin indicates it was grown in Ontario. I destroyed a tomato the other day trying to unpeel one of these things. It’s a bit like the twist off beer bottle cap that will not twist because some stoner at the bottling plant decided to glue it on as a practical joke. My wife and mother-in-law are convinced that produce grown in Mexico will make them sick. Ironically, they don’t seem to have a problem with Peru and Costa Rica, and the twenty other countries wherein the water is perhaps not as clean as it should be.

OK, I win the Darwin Award of the week. We use a homemade concoction to repel squirrels which involves boiling habanero peppers in water and then using the mixture to make a pepper spray. The other day I crushed up some of the peppers to boil – they are very hot peppers – and then I went to the washroom to have a pee. Need I say more? I thought I had a urinary tract infection for about a half hour! We used to buy stuff called “Critter Buster” in a spray bottle but they charge an arm and a leg for what I can easily make in my kitchen. Fun fact: pepper spray is an effective deterrent for all sorts of pests. Advice? Wash your hands after handling hot peppers; I speak from personal experience!

                               -  Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED