The Oppenheimer Report 12/9/13

It has been months since I last griped about the perils of technology, so I am long overdue for today’s rant. I don’t know to which device I would rather take a ballpeen hammer, my cell phone or my GPS. I despise touch screens, and these days everything has a touch screens. Our electric oven uses a touch screen. I suspect that the reason Windows 8 has incurred the wrath of so many of its users, myself included, is that it was designed to be used with a touch screen, and so does not always operate properly without one. Perish the thought that some of us have not made that quantum leap yet to a touch screen laptop.

My not-so-smart cell phone has a touch screen, as do most other cell phones these days. If my hands are cold or wet, a touch screen does not operate properly, and sometimes I find that I cannot answer a call because of this. As well, I find I am now more inclined to ass dial people. Ass dialing, in case you are over 65 and/or unfamiliar with the expression, is a modern day phenomenon whereby one inadvertently touches the phone screen, with some body part other than one’s hands, and speed dials one of the people on one’s caller list. I get ass dialed on a regular basis. One of my musician friends in Alberta does it to me on a semi-regular basis, usually at two in the morning from some gig he’s playing. I’m flattered to be one of his top ten speed dialees, but do not want to hear him walking around, or listen in on his private conversations with other people.

Then there is my infernal GPS. I have a TomTom and more than anything use it as a wireless “hands free” (Bluetooth) speaker device. Technically I should not be talking on my cell while driving the car, but at least this way it’s a hands free call, and I can have both hands on the wheel (which I hardly ever do anyway). What I had not anticipated is that, when I walk away from the car, and forget to turn off the GPS, the phone may continue to communicate with it. Half the time the wireless feature doesn’t work properly when I am in the car, much less 50 yards away from the car, but the other day I drove to nearby Burk’s Falls to pick up some groceries, and Shauna called me on my cell to remind me to pick up some things. While I was talking to her in the supermarket, my phone cut out, and it kept happening. She would call, I could hear the phone ring, but when I answered the call there was silence. I finally figured out that my phone was communicating wirelessly with the GPS in my car parked out in the lot. I was screaming “Hello! Hello!” in the store and she was screaming “Hello HELLO!” to the speaker in my car. Ridiculous! I consider myself average in my technological skills, maybe a little below average, but these days, I feel pretty stupid. Now that the Christmas rush has begun, have you noticed that almost every gift idea has something to do with phones, computers, or new and improved stuff for your T.V.? The other day I saw an ad for a PVR (digital recorder for the television), which will record four different shows simultaneously.  Do I need this? As it is, I hardly ever watch half the crap (and I mean crap) I record; do I really need to quadruple my inventory of crap? I know, I’m turning into one of those grumpy old Muppet codgers in the balcony, but as I become more and more dependent on this stuff I somehow lived without for decades, I feel that I’ve reached the saturation point.

And speaking of high tech, did anyone see that segment on Amazon’s proposed delivery drones? I can think of one hundred reasons why drones are not a wise idea for delivering packages. Has anyone considered the possibility that one of those little things, with its ten mile range, could be used by our enemies to attack us. It doesn’t take a genius to see how that technology could backfire.

Nelson Mandela died last Thursday, and most would agree the world has lost a truly great man. Strangely, he passed away on the night when the premier of the biopic about his life Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom had just been released. Obviously the man was a great and charismatic leader, but apart from his monumental accomplishments of dismantling apartheid in South Africa, and preventing his country from imploding, Mandela amazed me most by his ability to forgive his enemies. Having served 27 years in prison the man could have been understandably bitter towards his white oppressors. How does one walk away from that kind of loss of freedom? I understand that complications from a persistent lung infection he contracted in prison finally did him in. He was 95 when he passed, how long would he have lived if healthy? I read some famous quotes attributed to the man, and the one I liked best was: “Lead from the back – and let others believe they are in front.” As we wrestle some feeble old lady to the floor in WalMart over the last remaining IPad in the store, let us take a nanosecond to reflect on the selflessness of this one great man. Will we ever learn? So far I haven't.   - Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED