The Oppenheimer Report 12/30/13

Ho Freakin’ Ho in Toronto! For the residents of Toronto (and all the retailers who relied so heavily on last minute Christmas shoppers to bump up their bottom line) this was not a particularly merry Christmas, as a crippling ice storm devastated the GTA and left hundreds of thousands without power or heat for almost a week (longer in some cases). In fact, Hydro crews are still working on restoring power for some and it will be a long time until all the debris from fallen trees, destroyed property, and power lines is cleaned up. In the true spirit of the season, people came together from all over the country to help Toronto recover from what may go down as the worst ice storm in the city’s history. I begin this report on Christmas day and very sober Mayor Rob Ford is giving a press conference on our continuous news channel. There’s nothing like a natural disaster to erase past transgressions. Just as Hurricane Sandy gave Obama a bump in the polls at a crucial point in his re-election campaign, (even if he is a Muslim terrorist without a birth certificate) this ice storm may be Ford’s much-needed crap deflector. Then again, some residents, and even his deputy mayor Norm Kelly, are saying he should have declared the city a disaster area, which he did not. That decision will be debated ad nauseam in the months to come, but get real people, this was a huge storm.

Of course there are the fundamental concerns about providing food, water and shelter to the most needy, and there were emergency warming centers set up throughout the city where beleaguered residents could go to avoid the bitter cold. While this storm was nowhere near as devastating as the recent typhoon in the Philippines, or the earthquake in Japan, or the many other bigger natural disaster stories around the globe, it is a major weather event for Canada, and the coincidence of  arctic cold made this storm all the more dangerous. Roads and highways were like skating rinks, and thick layers of ice covered just about everything, impeding all rescue attempts and slowing down response times for fire trucks and ambulances. As well, many stubborn residents, including Shauna’s mom, refused to leave their homes for the crowded warming centers, and when the mercury dipped, some were living in subzero temperatures for days. There are reasons why they say households should have a disaster plan, but it is usually after a disaster strikes that people actually start to form one. Flashlights, batteries, radios, non-perishable goods, a manual can opener, a camp stove … these are the things everyone realizes they need, after the fact.

 Because so many were without heat or light for days, and when people became desperate to stay warm, they sometimes did imprudent things. In the GTA alone there were over one hundred reported incidences of carbon monoxide poisoning, and two people actually died of CO poisoning. People trying to stay warm fired up their outdoor gas grills in their homes, or set up unventilated generators in their garages. This problem was compounded by the fact that very few of the affected residents were capable of listening to the news to heed the omnipresent warnings about this. Not a bad idea to have a few battery powered CO detectors in the house to warn of impending CO danger. Shauna’s mom, who was without power for six days, did have one, but it was a plug-in and did not work when the power went out. Thanks to a good Samaritan (and boyfriend of one of our caregivers), who lent her a generator, we were able to get her furnace working for her, but the generator had to be placed in the attached garage, and we were concerned that CO fumes might leak into the house. Finally, one of her guardian angels went to Crappy Tire and bought her a battery-powered CO detector. We are soooo grateful to all the people who stepped up to keep her safe in our absence. The good Samaritan boyfriend not only provided the life-saving generator, but he also assisted Hydro crews on her street by cutting up some of the fallen limbs impeding restoration of electrical service. What a hero. As Blanche Dubois said, “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.” Shauna and I struggled to provide the Taylors with loyal caregivers, but that effort has paid off in spades. The multi-talented boyfriend was an unexpected godsend.  

That storm was devastating to the flora and many of Toronto’s beautiful old trees will disappear or be truncated as a result of this storm. Layers of ice covered old growth trees and eventually they could not withstand the weight and came down, on buildings, cars, and on power lines. This happened in Buffalo years ago, and the scars are still apparent throughout the city. New growth trees, planted after a plague of Dutch Elm Disease had literally denuded Buffalo of many of her beautiful trees, were just beginning to mature when the ice storm necessitated radical pruning. The trees that did survive now look like bushes with thick trunks. I suspect Torontonians will be hearing  the buzz of chainsaws for quite some time, and predictions are that this cleanup will take 4-6 weeks. Hydro crews from across Canada have been flown in to assist in the monumental job of restoring power, and hats off to all the volunteers and workers who gave up their holiday to provide their much needed assistance to the beleaguered city.

Once the electrical mess is cleaned up, and the trees are cleared, and damaged cars are repaired, and all the spoiled food is thrown out, and the water damage from burst water pipes is cleaned up, and the roofs are repaired, and on and on, the residents of Toronto can celebrate Christmas. What a kick in the butt for retailers!  

Happy New Year to my loyal readers, I'll toast all of you on First Night with a Shirley Temple ( in a dirty glass)

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

 

The Oppenheimer Report 12/23/13

Merry Christmas to my Twelve Loyal Readers!

One of the downsides of living in a house with a lot of glass is that, inevitably the odd bird flies into that glass. We’ve had a few of bird accidents in the years since we built the new house, and of course it is not something we enjoy. I guess it's harder on the birds. Shauna pasted some decals on the window to warn of the danger, and we put up some of those kiddie windmills to try and keep the birds away from the house, but despite our best efforts, there are still a few casualties each year. Sometimes, if a bird hits the window, it will be stunned and lying on the ground. If this happens, I usually go outside, assess the situation, and  determine if this is a rescue operation or a lost cause. Lost causes get tossed down the hill. A rescue operation involves an attempt to revive the unconscious but breathing bird, stroking its head gently, and perhaps moving it to someplace where it can recover out of reach of predators. I’m certainly no bird doctor, and there are no attempts made at mouth to beak resuscitation, or at the mending of broken wings. With these window crashes, it’s usually a harmless knockout or a broken neck. The other day we all heard a very loud crash, and we discovered that a rather large dove had crashed into the window. It was now laying head first in the snow, legs sticking straight up. Judging from the sound it made when it hit the glass, I was fairly sure this one was a “lost cause.” I went outside, confirmed my suspicion, and sadly tossed it down Bird Boot Hill. Later on that evening I was looking out the window, and noticed a mark where the bird had hit. Upon closer examination I realized that the mark was a perfect outline of the victim - I mean down to the beak and eyes, and it was kind of creepy. Shauna and I cannot figure out exactly what is the material sticking to our window, perhaps some bird expert out there can enlighten us. This is the first time that there has been a mark like that. There might be the odd feather sticking to the window but never the entire imprint of the bird. Anyhow, we have so far left the mark untouched. I find it fascinating, and I prefer to let that incredible mother which is nature wipe it clean in time, or not. Feathers to feathers, dust to dust.  

I used to think birds were uninteresting and not very smart, but changed my mind about that when we started hiking out west. In fact it was those visits to the Canadian Rockies that gave me a newfound respect for all forms of wildlife, both flora and fauna. We named one bird who visited our loft balcony regularly “Broke Toe” because he/she was missing one claw. I presume he was in a bar fight or something. Broke Toe was a Clark’s Nutcracker, a species of bird known locally in Banff for its annoying, fingernails-on-a-blackboard song, but if ever a bird had personality and attitude, it was Broke Toe. He became a member of our dysfunctional family, and would occasionally hang out with us for no special reason. I think he liked Shauna more than he liked me. Every year we stayed in the same hotel room in Banff, and every year, without fail, Broke Toe came to visit us. Sometimes he would bring along members of his family. I learned that these particular nutcrackers will store food in thousands of different hiding places, and they remember every location. Out in Banff there were Whisky Jacks, huge Common Ravens, Dark-eyed Juncos, Snow Owls, Eagles, and dozens of other interesting birds, but Broke Toe was hands down our favorite bird.  

It is now Sunday afternoon and at present Toronto is dealing with a major ice storm. Right now about 300,000 are without power, including my mother-in-law. What a mess it is. Trees are down all over the city and the current estimate is that many will be without power for 72 hours, maybe longer. Of course, power outages are much more serious in the winter, and with colder weather in the forecast, I am concerned for the safety of Shauna’s mom. Thankfully she has a caregiver with her, but there is really nowhere to go, and no supplemental source of heat or power.  A lot of people figure that a gas generator is a good idea, and it is, if you buy a decent one. The cheap ones you can buy at Walmart may or may not work when you need them, and I’ve heard a lot of complaints about generators that fail. There are going to be a lot of utility workers who miss Christmas this year in Toronto, and like so many weather-related disasters, the severity of this one is still being assessed. Up here in the GWN, we’ve had snow, but nothing special. I have raked the carport tarp twice in the past 24 hours, and we will likely need to have the driveway plowed again (it was plowed yesterday). I am watching Toronto news right now and our bellicose mayor just announced that he is not declaring Toronto a disaster area. He may need to lay off the crack for a couple of days to handle this latest crisis. Ford should be kissing Mandela’s butt for dying when he did, because that took the spotlight off him.

Merry Christmas to those who partake and remember, if you are going to get toasted, do it in front of an open fire and not driving your car out on the open (and icy) roads. Ho friggin’ ho, and don’t be one. . I’m really hoping one of those wild turkeys doesn’t kamikaze into our window.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/16/13

Let it snow, let it snow, let it SNOW! Last Tuesday I took my mother-in-law into Huntsville for a medical appointment, and it was snowing steadily as we headed in to town. As we drove home it was turning into a whiteout. When we finally arrived home, we passed our snowplow guy on the road, heading out after plowing our driveway. Our first plow of the season. That was at around 6PM, and by the time I took Jasper out for her last pee of the night, the snow was already deep enough that we needed another plow. You know you’re in for serious snow up here when the forecasters speak in terms of centimeters per 12 hour period. Jasper went up to her nose in the snow and then looked back at me as I to say, “WTF, if this keeps up I’m doin’ my business IN the house.” I realized that I would need to do some heavy duty snow blowing the next morning. I later heard that, shortly after we had arrived home, they closed the highway from Huntsville almost all the way up to Powassan because the squalls were so bad. Nearby Bracebridge got walloped. Based on the storms that have been hammering Alberta and the Midwest, I knew it was only a matter of time before we got hit with some heavy lake effect snow, and Tuesday night was a direct hit. And COLD!

I don’t mind the snow, but what makes winter a little more treacherous up here is the freezing and thawing. Accessibility becomes an issue. Last week, our 500 meter long driveway, which is at least a 100 foot drop down to the lake, was a skating rink. Wednesday I couldn’t get traction with the ATV in 4 wheel drive. I think the MDX will get up the road if I desperately need to get out, but when the weather is like this, it’s better to stay put. We have lots of food, and barring an extended power outage (we have a propane-fueled generator), the propane tank should hold out or a few more weeks. Keeping the propane topped up is a legitimate concern up here. In Toronto, I could take an elevator to the basement and pick up anything I needed. There was little chance our apartment building would ever lose heat or electricity, and if it did, there were plenty of people to take care of the problem. Up here, if the power goes out, we can go through a tank of propane in no time, and because we also heat with propane, we need to keep the gas flowing. I had a few nervous weeks last December, wondering if the propane truck would make it down our driveway. I suppose we could always burn the furniture.

We had plans to put a clear Lexan roof on our carport last summer, both to protect the log structure and to create a greenhouse off our back porch, but an unreliable supplier and the unfortunate events of last summer combined to throw a wrench in our plans. Life happens and, barring any more unforeseen circumstances, it will be spring before we revisit that project. In the meantime, the roof is covered with a heavy duty tarp, which has survived one winter but may not survive this one. Every time we get a heavy snow, I go out and rake it off while it is still light and manageable. Wednesday morning I did this and almost got buried in an avalanche. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own stupidity. Up here in the Great White North, it’s just me, my wife, my mother-in-law (for the time being), my Miniature Schnauzer, my snow rake, my Ariens snowblower, and my will to survive. Grizzly Oppenheimer. Right now, I am a little starved for male companionship, and my best friend lives in Buffalo. Most of my other male buddies don’t live around here, and my two best friends up here are my plumber and the guy who plows our driveway. They’ll only hang out with me because I pay them.

The wild turkeys have returned, and they have decided to take up residence on our property. Actually, I'm not sure if they are turkey buzzards or wild turkeys, and I can't tell from the internet pictures I googled. The other day I counted five of them, but one fall we had sixteen on the property. They are more fun to watch than a girl fight on Jersey Shore. When I took Jasper out Saturday morning, three of them were hanging out high up in the trees, bracing for the winter storm. I didn’t even know they could fly, and I’ve only ever seen them on the ground. They make a lot of noise when they fly.

Attended the pre-Christmas Coffee House musical review in Burk’s Falls last Friday, and it was the best one yet. My favorite performer of the night was a guy named Jamie Clark, formerly of the group Lewis and Clark. He has a great voice, and he's a good songwriter to boot. I’m making a list of the performers up here on my wish list to cover my songs, and yesterday, at the Katrine Jamboree, I met a bassist in a local band, who has better recording equipment than I do. Perhaps he and I will be able to do something together . I’m not sure how long it will last, but I quit drinking booze the day my father-in-law went into the hospital on July 6th, and now I need some musical diversions. Up here in the Great White North, snow is not the only winter hazard, and many a poor soul has succumbed to the evils of cabin fever and demon alcohol.

 

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/9/13

It has been months since I last griped about the perils of technology, so I am long overdue for today’s rant. I don’t know to which device I would rather take a ballpeen hammer, my cell phone or my GPS. I despise touch screens, and these days everything has a touch screens. Our electric oven uses a touch screen. I suspect that the reason Windows 8 has incurred the wrath of so many of its users, myself included, is that it was designed to be used with a touch screen, and so does not always operate properly without one. Perish the thought that some of us have not made that quantum leap yet to a touch screen laptop.

My not-so-smart cell phone has a touch screen, as do most other cell phones these days. If my hands are cold or wet, a touch screen does not operate properly, and sometimes I find that I cannot answer a call because of this. As well, I find I am now more inclined to ass dial people. Ass dialing, in case you are over 65 and/or unfamiliar with the expression, is a modern day phenomenon whereby one inadvertently touches the phone screen, with some body part other than one’s hands, and speed dials one of the people on one’s caller list. I get ass dialed on a regular basis. One of my musician friends in Alberta does it to me on a semi-regular basis, usually at two in the morning from some gig he’s playing. I’m flattered to be one of his top ten speed dialees, but do not want to hear him walking around, or listen in on his private conversations with other people.

Then there is my infernal GPS. I have a TomTom and more than anything use it as a wireless “hands free” (Bluetooth) speaker device. Technically I should not be talking on my cell while driving the car, but at least this way it’s a hands free call, and I can have both hands on the wheel (which I hardly ever do anyway). What I had not anticipated is that, when I walk away from the car, and forget to turn off the GPS, the phone may continue to communicate with it. Half the time the wireless feature doesn’t work properly when I am in the car, much less 50 yards away from the car, but the other day I drove to nearby Burk’s Falls to pick up some groceries, and Shauna called me on my cell to remind me to pick up some things. While I was talking to her in the supermarket, my phone cut out, and it kept happening. She would call, I could hear the phone ring, but when I answered the call there was silence. I finally figured out that my phone was communicating wirelessly with the GPS in my car parked out in the lot. I was screaming “Hello! Hello!” in the store and she was screaming “Hello HELLO!” to the speaker in my car. Ridiculous! I consider myself average in my technological skills, maybe a little below average, but these days, I feel pretty stupid. Now that the Christmas rush has begun, have you noticed that almost every gift idea has something to do with phones, computers, or new and improved stuff for your T.V.? The other day I saw an ad for a PVR (digital recorder for the television), which will record four different shows simultaneously.  Do I need this? As it is, I hardly ever watch half the crap (and I mean crap) I record; do I really need to quadruple my inventory of crap? I know, I’m turning into one of those grumpy old Muppet codgers in the balcony, but as I become more and more dependent on this stuff I somehow lived without for decades, I feel that I’ve reached the saturation point.

And speaking of high tech, did anyone see that segment on Amazon’s proposed delivery drones? I can think of one hundred reasons why drones are not a wise idea for delivering packages. Has anyone considered the possibility that one of those little things, with its ten mile range, could be used by our enemies to attack us. It doesn’t take a genius to see how that technology could backfire.

Nelson Mandela died last Thursday, and most would agree the world has lost a truly great man. Strangely, he passed away on the night when the premier of the biopic about his life Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom had just been released. Obviously the man was a great and charismatic leader, but apart from his monumental accomplishments of dismantling apartheid in South Africa, and preventing his country from imploding, Mandela amazed me most by his ability to forgive his enemies. Having served 27 years in prison the man could have been understandably bitter towards his white oppressors. How does one walk away from that kind of loss of freedom? I understand that complications from a persistent lung infection he contracted in prison finally did him in. He was 95 when he passed, how long would he have lived if healthy? I read some famous quotes attributed to the man, and the one I liked best was: “Lead from the back – and let others believe they are in front.” As we wrestle some feeble old lady to the floor in WalMart over the last remaining IPad in the store, let us take a nanosecond to reflect on the selflessness of this one great man. Will we ever learn? So far I haven't.   - Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/2/13

As I begin this report on Thursday, I am sitting in my living room watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and this has been one of my favorite parts about Turkey Day since I was a little boy. Learning machine that I am I googled the Macy’s Day Parade and, of course, there is a lot of conflicting information about the early years. The event originated in 1920’s (1924?). According to what I read, there were no balloons in the first parade, but they did parade animals on loan from the Central Park Zoo. Apparently, in the early years, the balloons were released at the end of the parade. I was worried that the giant balloons would not be in the parade this year (Snoopy was always my favorite) because of high winds from that most recent winter storm. Luckily, it was a perfect day for the event, and the balloons floated down the street as they always have. The American Thanksgiving will always be my favorite holiday. Traditionally, it was when my family gathered in Buffalo, along with a few obligatory strays, and sat down to a Thanksgiving feast, and I mean feast, hosted by my mom and dad. There is no other holiday which is as meaningful to me, and though the hosts of that party are now gone, the warmth of the celebration will be with me forever. I know it’s maudlin to say this, but I am thankful to have had that experience for so many years. Rather than whine about the loss of family, I turned it around this year and called a bunch of friends and family with whom I have not spoken in a while. I talked to Edmond, my shut in friend with MS from Buffalo to whom I used to deliver meals for Meals on Wheels, I spoke with one of the nurses who took care of my mom and dad, and to my cousin who lives in Oregon. Vicariously, I soaked up some of the good vibes I always used to feel at my parent’s house.  

There was an article in the NY Times yesterday which caught my eye concerning a developing technology that falls into the “big-brother-is-watching” category. We’ve all heard of face recognition software which can assist authorities in apprehending the bad guys. Faces are recorded by a camera and sent to a database which can then determine if the subject is on any criminal watch list. With cameras popping up more and more in public places, there is the ongoing debate about what violates a person’s privacy. Now there is a developing software which uses algorithms to read facial expressions and determine what a person is thinking or feeling. It isn’t much of a stretch to presume that computers will one day be able to read people’s minds, and this is a little unsettling. There is an expression, “owner of one’s thoughts, slave to one’s words.” Perhaps we are approaching the point where we have become a slave to our thoughts as well. Or at least our computers.

11/30/13 - Well the insanity has begun, actually it began shortly after Halloween, and Shauna just told me there was a news clip on CNN about some holiday-related violence in a Wal Mart. Some predatory shoppers rioted over the last computer tablet on the shelves. If it isn’t Tickle-ME-Elmo, or a Cabbage Patch Doll, or Pet Rocks, it’s always some thing that brings out the worst in human holiday behavior . The news is always chock full of negative stories about the downside of Christmas - gunfights in shopping mall parking lots over the last parking space, one of Santa’s helpers caught exposing himself in public, or a Christmas tree fire that wipes out an entire family. Misfortune doesn’t only happen at Christmas, but Christmas always seems to highlight the suffering. It seems stories of goodwill don’t stand a chance when put up against the intoxicating allure of yellow journalism. This is probably why Santa has had so many emotional problems, but I’m not even going to go there.     

And speaking of overweight guys with public relations problems, on a lighter (heavier?) note, disgraced Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was asked not to attend this year’s Santa Claus Parade, because the promoters thought he might be too much of a “distraction.” Ouch.  Somebody’s getting a stocking full of coal this Christmas. For those members of my tribe, I wish you a Happy Chanukah, which began at sundown last Wednesday night. I don’t read or understand Hebrew, but I googled Chanukkah prayers so I could recite the prayers phonetically as I lit the candles. Presently we have Shauna’s mom up here with us in the Great White North and, while she is still grieving the loss of her husband, I think she has been enjoying her time in this winter wonderland.

I am thankful for the good friends and family in my life. May your holiday season be absent stress and pain, and the last tablet computer from Wal Mart.

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED