The Oppenheimer Report - 3/5/12

A few years ago, shortly before the Oppenheimer family Corgi “Tuppence” expired, she was out in the back yard and killed a possum. How that arthritic old dog killed a rather large wild animal is beyond me, but one of the nurses witnessed it. Then she called 911. Not once, not twice, but three times. The first time she called to tell them about the dead possum, second time to tell them that the dead possum had apparently been “playing possum” and had mysteriously moved, and the third time she called to confirm that the afore-mentioned possum was in fact dead, again. I’m so glad that my parents’ telephone number is now in the 911 database for registered kooks. You hear a lot of stories about people ass dialing 911 - it’s a big problem these days - but there are just as many clueless people who call in emergencies that are anything but. I don’t think a dead possum rates as an emergency, tragic though it may seem. To make this event even more ludicrous, our over-zealous 911 caller put the expired possum in one of our blue recycling boxes. Thankfully, one of the other nurses had the presence of mind to have the animal disposed of properly before garbage day, because I don’t think the garbage collectors would have appreciated having to remove a 15 pound dead possum, legs sticking stiffly out of the blue box. Last I checked, dead possums did not fall into the “recyclables“ category. Although, come to think of it, they are bio-degradable. I wish I’d snapped a picture of that possum in the blue box. And while on the ongoing subject of wild life, or death as the case may be, you will recall my crow crap fest from last week. I finally gave in and, after manually cleaning off most of the big chunks, paid a visit to Delta Sonic car wash. Shortly after returning home with my uncharacteristically clean car, it happened, again; I was “crowed” a second time! Fun fact: I’ve heard of a gaggle of geese, but did you know that an assembly of these nefarious black crappers is referred to as a murder of crows. I think I called their assault on my car a mob hit, so I wasn't far off. One of my twelve, well-informed, loyal readers pointed it out to me. Once again I am a learning machine.

Monkees lead singer Davy Jones is dead at 66. I watched close friend and fellow Monkee Mickey Dolenz speak fondly of Jones on Pierce Morgan the other night. I never knew Jones had once been an aspiring jockey. I used to watch The Monkees television sitcom religiously. And speaking of religion, Mitt Romney almost lost in  his home state of Michigan. I suppose it doesn’t matter much because the Republicans have pretty much shot themselves in the balls. The mere fact that bible-thumping bozo Rick Santorum is a front runner, and gave Romney a run for his money (and we all know Mitt has money) is strong evidence to me that the elephants are on the ropes. There are even rumblings that the GOP is scrambling to convince Geb Bush to enter the race. That would make it official, wouldn't it? Three Bushes constitutes a Bush league. Sorry, I had to try that one out. Anyhow, clearly desperation is in the air! To hammer a nail into their coffin, enter that ever-entertaining bloated bastion of ultra-conservatism, Rush Limbaugh, who last week declared on air, in front of millions of listeners, that women’s rights spokeswoman Sandra Fluke was a “slut” and a “prostitute.” Fluke had recently gone before Congress to speak in favor of birth control insurance coverage, and apparently Mr. Limbaugh did not approve. He claimed he was joking, but I think he crossed the line. There are kooks and zealots on both sides of the aisle, but I think the Republican party has steered way too far to the right and gone completely off the rails. It’s official, I’m switching my political status to “Independent” because in my humble opinion, the elephants have lost their minds. All that remains is to watch them eat their young and perhaps burn a homosexual at the stake on live television. Stay tuned to Fox, I’m sure they‘ll cover it. Please tell me this, when did clowns like Santorum become the moral compass for America? Nincompoops.

A murder of crows, a parliament of owls, A Flock of Seagulls (with bad hair) … what does one call a gathering of dodos? Extinct.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED