The Oppenheimer Report 9/18/11

Today I resurrect one of my all too familiar rants. The time has come, and though I have resisted this decision for almost six years now, I am officially in the market for a new cell phone. For the past six years I have managed quite well with my very basic Sanyo Katana flip phone, but I am tough on my equipment, and no electronic device that I use daily lasts very long. I’ve probably dropped my cell phone a hundred times over the years, usually onto some hard surface. I once left it out in the pouring rain for three days straight, and it still works. The other day, the ringer failed to work, the keypad is a bit dodgy, and in other ways it’s becoming less than reliable. Primitive though it is by today‘s standards, it has proven to be durable and reliable, and I’d love to simply repair it and keep it for another six years. Unfortunately, these days technology renders perfectly good electronic devices obsolete within a few months, and pretty soon I fear this phone will not communicate properly on the ever-faster-new-and-improved-smart-texting-high-definition-mega-data-microwave networks. Let’s not even go into the fact that I cannot download “Angry Birds” or the thousands of other dubiously useful “apps” (applications) essential to technoweenies.

For the record, I despise cell phones (and most other “labor-saving” technology), and I truly believe that they are canaries in the coal mine, facilitating the death of meaningful communication. That said, like computers, this technology has insinuated itself into my daily life and I have become somewhat dependant on it. Anticipating this, and because I am allowed a new phone for free every three years, several months ago I went to Bell Mobility and reluctantly picked out a replacement which seemed the most similar to my basic Sanyo. It was anything but, and within 24 hours I returned it and re-activated my old phone. For me, internet access, advanced camera features, texting, gaming, and the ability to store my entire record and digital photo collection on a cell phone are of little use. I have a laptop that handles most of these tasks, and I don’t need to read the Huffington Post on a two inch screen. I simply want a cell phone to be able to make and receive calls with clear reception. Period. Bonus points if it’s made out of high impact rubber.

My wife and I were discussing recent advances in technology, and we came to the conclusion that for those of us approaching codgerdom, there is a break even point after which technology becomes frustrating and bothersome. I sat in line the other day behind an older woman at Wal-Mart who was having trouble using her debit card to pay for her goods. She couldn’t figure out how the new chip worked. I watched an ad on television the other day touting the benefits of some retirement facility. It featured a group of seniors standing around enjoying a game of Wii bowling (interactive video game). Clearly this was directed at the son or daughter who might actually know what Wii is, and who was contemplating a guilt free alternative to having their parents euthanized. I have a TomTom GPS in my car that I’m ready to throw out the window. The thing is possessed and occasionally decides on its own where it will direct me to drive. I found myself on the busy QEW highway the other day screaming “Shut Up!” to it at the top of my lungs, and the volume switch, which is touch screen technology, is almost impossible to adjust while driving. By the way, what is wrong with consulting a map; it’s no more distracting than fiddling around with a touch screen at 65 MPH? Anyhow, in my unsolicited opinion, phone companies have missed a huge marketing opportunity by denying us fifty and sixty-somethings our codger-friendly phones. And while you’re at it, invent a remote control that doesn’t require an engineer to operate! Herein ends the grumpy boomer rant.

Final notes. I watched the Republican debate in the States the other night. I think Ron Paul is just on the roster so someone will listen to him for 30 seconds. Michele Bachmann put her foot in it shortly after the debate suggesting that an injection to prevent HPV could cause mental retardation. Didn’t anybody brief her on the “no-no words” in political discourse? And so many of them spew out false statistics and information with the misguided confidence that no one will notice. In truth most of us don’t, but in this golden age of communication we have fact finders everywhere who remind us of what constitutes a lie, a damn lie, and/or a statistic. I watch these debates to cull the herd, but I’m probably better off throwing darts at a board. I have yet to see a true leader emerge, and who would want that job anyhow? Everybody thought Obama was the man, but now many of his supporters are turning on him (including the Democratic party). He did kill bin Bombin’. I guess that was his Cuban Missile Crisis. He was simply a better talker than the previous communications-challenged Commander-in-Chief. Now he has “Greengate” to contend with. Oops, we just threw away $535 Million of the taxpayer’s money on a failed solar energy company (Solyndra). Hey, at least it wasn’t a cell phone company. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED