The Oppenheimer Report - 3/6/11

I watched the Oscars last week, as I do every year, and I have to say that hands down, that was the most boring, pathetic awards ceremony I can ever remember. Ann Hathaway and James Franco sucked beets as co-hosts and the whole ceremony lacked anything resembling entertainment. Even David Letterman’s legendary flop years ago was not this bad. The only highlight for me was hearing Melissa Leo, the winner of Best Supporting Actress for her role in “The Fighter”, spit out the “F” word on television. Here in wild and uncensored Canada, they didn’t bleep it out. Heavens to Betsy was I surprised! Particularly underwhelming to me were the nominees for best song. I think even Randy Newman was a little surprised that he won. Bring back Billy Crystal next year as the host or I’m switching back to reality television. Last night we rented “The Social Network” the movie  that won for Best Adapted Screenplay. I can see why Zuckerberg might have been a little offended by his portrayal, but I think Aaron Sorkin told an interesting story.
　
Far more entertaining for me this week was the well-documented Charlie Sheen meltdown. I listened to a few of his many televised interviews, and the guy looks strung out. I suppose it’s sad to watch these celebrity train wrecks, and I don’t know why I soak them up with such glee - it probably has something to do with the fact that I am mean and judgmental - but Sheen wins the Golden Coke Spoon Award. Stand back Amy Winehouse, there’s a new substance abuser in town. I especially liked the interview wherein he proclaimed that CBS should now pay him $3 Million per show because of what they “put him through”. “Two and a Half Men” will likely tank, or find a new Charlie (John Stamos is rumored to be an option) and that could reportedly cost CBS in the vicinity of $1 Billion. If he doesn’t overdose, or succumb to some other prostitute-packed misadventure, Charlie will perhaps wake up from his narcissistic coma just about in time to make the first crappy big budget flop that some opportunistic Hollywood producer throws his way. I’m guessing his TV days are numbered. I remember when David Caruso left “NYPD Blue” with a rather high opinion of his value to that show. I think it was long time before he found work again, and I think he was somewhat more contrite the second time around. To listen to Sheen, you’d think he was some kind of superhero. Coke Man, tabloid sensation and party animal. Naked, wasted, and disoriented in a restaurant bathroom with a hooker? No scandal is too humiliating for Coke Man. Talk about Hollywood hubris gone mad. The guy needs a reality check and a good therapist, or publicist, before his career is permanently over. I think most viewers will tolerate a celebrity a-hole as long as he or she produces good work, but I also think it is clear to everyone that Charlie has hit the wall. I suppose that what annoys me most about these high profile crash and burns is they remind me of all the talented underachievers I’ve ever encountered in my life, mostly from my school years, whose mediocre efforts were ten times better than anything I could ever hope to accomplish. When talented or brilliant people squander their talents, I don’t pity them, I despise them, especially when they do it so publicly.

Final note on the subject of career suicide … Ex-Christian Dior designer John Galliano got canned recently for his anti-Semitic rant in a Paris bar. Said he loves Hitler. Really, who says that? As offensive as his comments were, it’s rather hard to take a man seriously who looks like one of those bad Jack Sparrow imitators you see at a kid’s birthday party. Jew Haters of the Caribbean. And to you Oscar people who screwed up so badly this year, I’m not proud of the fact that I live my desperately mundane life in anticipation of the annual Hollywood high of the Academy Awards. Don’t disappoint me again or I’ll stop watching. That'll show you.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED