The Oppenheimer Report 1/24/11

Today I want to explore the aberration in my character which compels me to remain a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. I liken it to being a cross dresser, or a serial killer, or some other pariah from society. I was a Sabres fan for thirty years before I became a Leafs fan, and that was marginally less masochistic. Still, nothing could prepare me for the heartbreak and disappointment I was destined to feel when I donned the blue and white jersey. Year after year, I keep hoping that this will be the season that the Leafs do not entirely suck. Year after year, I tell myself this or that hot rookie will be the key to unlock their Stanley Cup potential. A new coach, a trade, a new goalie … nothing seems to make a difference; it’s as if the team is cursed. Somewhere in a dark basement, there must be a deranged voodoo witch doctor, probably hired by an Ottawa or a Montreal fan, sticking pins in dolls depicting Leafs players. Year after year, sometimes by the beginning of January, it becomes painfully evident to all but the most firmly entrenched in denial that the hapless Leafs are once again swirling down the toilet drain. There is an amusing music video spoof which is less than sympathetic to Leafs fans and highlights the long standing rivalry between Montreal Canadians fans and Maple Leafs fans. It has gone viral on YouTube. A lot of Leafs fans were apparently offended, but if you’re going to root for the Leafs, you’d better be ready to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and criticism). The sad part about it is that, Toronto Maple Leafs fans are possibly the craziest and most enthusiastic, supportive fans in the league when their team achieves even the smallest success. Torontonians would go crazy and there would be wild parties on Yonge street if the Leafs even made it into the first round of the playoffs. I knew a waiter once who (hand) painted his entire car with the Leafs colors and emblems, and THAT is devotion/stupidity. Perhaps I’ve answered my own question. Why have I remained a Leafs fan? Because most of them are as deranged as I am.




A few weeks ago, I touched upon the censorship of Mark Twain’s words, but there’s an even more ridiculous misuse of censorship going on in Canada right now. Some of you may be familiar with the old hit single “Money for Nothing”, by the popular band Dire Straits. There’s a line in that song which includes the word “faggot”, and because someone took offense to the reference, twenty-six years after the song was released, the CBSC (Canadian Broadcasting Standards Council) in their infinite wisdom, decided the song should be banned from the airwaves. While I am not entirely against censorship in certain circumstances, I don’t know where to begin explaining why this is ridiculous to me. In the context of the song, the offending word more than likely refers to the overpaid spandex-clad poodles who headlined the ubiquitous “hair bands” of the eighties, and has more to do with arrogance than homosexuality. But the thing that really puzzles me is why it took 26 years for this to offend anyone. I know more than one gay man who loves that song - it’s a great, hooky rock tune - and somehow they got beyond the derogatory expression. Girl up, you bozos at the CBSC, and find a more worthy recipient for your red ink. My bar for censorship is a little higher, and if the words work within the context of the piece, leave them in! Mark Knopfler was not, in my opinion, making a hateful statement about homosexuals when he referred to faggots, he was making a statement about silly pop fashion. When words are meant to be hateful, and when words do cause genuine harm, then talk to me about censorship.



Final notes. Cameras are everywhere. Most of you have read or are at least familiar with  the Orwell novel “1984“, and that was the first time I remember hearing the term “Big Brother”. Long before Julie Chen was hosting a reality TV show by the same name, the concept came to be associated with hidden cameras and loss of privacy. Nobody would know who Rodney King is if someone hadn’t videotaped him getting beat up by the LAPD. A few days ago, I watched something absolutely incredible on a Toronto 24 hour news station, and it made me realize that cameras really are everywhere. There was a horrific accident on the notoriously dangerous Hwy. 401 near Toronto. A semi truck crashed through the guard rail and plowed into the lanes of oncoming traffic, and someone filmed the entire accident from an oncoming vehicle (I hope it wasn’t the driver!). He was right there when the truck blasted through the guardrail just in front of him. Thankfully no one died, but what a shocking video that was! Pretty soon, every volcanic eruption, every earthquake, every tornado, every lewd act, will have a video record. These days, one never knows when one will be filmed in public. We’re filmed in supermarkets, at ATMs, on street corners, even in our apartment buildings (the lobby channel is one of my favorites!). There was a funny video on the news the other day of some woman who, distracted while she was texting, fell into a pool of water at an indoor mall. Of course that video ended up on YouTube for all the world to see, and, understandably, the “victim” was humiliated. I think she even tried to sue the mall owners for releasing the video.



What a faggot!



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED