The Oppenheimer Report 10/27/10

Sorry to have once again disappointed the three of you who might actually miss my Monday pearls of wisdom, but I forgot my computer when I headed down to Buffalo last week, so the Opp Report is once again late. Dad had a very old Apple notebook, or IBook, or whatever those eggheads call them and, out of necessity I wrote a few business letters on it. I find there is a learning curve involved with using Apple products in general, and while Apple users furiously defend these computers as the best thing since electric potato peelers, I find them frustratingly un-user friendly. All I really care about in a computer is word processing, and everything from establishing how files are stored to disabling the “insert” mode becomes a three step process with an Apple. The only thing which is surprisingly similar about PCs and Macs is the unhelpfulness of the “Help” key. Admittedly no genius when it comes to computers, I have no desire to become “Apple fluent,” and do not wish to spend 45 minutes figuring out how to set the date and time on my computer.



With Halloween around the corner, I broke down last week and purchased a pumpkin at the local supermarket. I’ve been meaning to do this for the past three seasons, but the selection and price were unacceptable to me. Apparently there was a bumper crop this year and I was able to buy a large, well-shaped pumpkin for the bargain price of two bucks. What a deal … these days it costs a buck to put air in my tires at the gas station. I knew a guy in Buffalo who used to grow giant pumpkins and enter them in giant pumpkin contests. While growing a gourd which requires a forklift to be moved falls into the “get-a-life” category for me, these guys take there giant pumpkin growing very seriously. Less than twenty years ago, the record was somewhere around 400 pounds, but these days, the world record is something like 1725 pounds. To put that in perspective, a Daimler Smart car weighs 1719 pounds. I found a picture on the web of some guy paddling his giant pumpkin around in the water. If you want to find out how to grow a pumpkin the size of a small car, there are plenty of instructions available on the internet. You can’t go far wrong starting with Dill’s Giant Atlantic pumpkin seeds, available by mail order from somewhere in the Maritime Provinces. I’m going to pass on the giant pumpkin growing; I’ll settle for the two dollar store-bought variety.


When I was in college, one year we had the brilliant idea to have a pumpkin carving party in order to “rush” potential brothers and sisters at our frat (we were equal opportunity partiers). In all I think we had over thirty pumpkins, which translated into thirty candle lit jack ‘o lanterns for our big Halloween party. Our Halloween parties were legendary, with a live band and plenty of beer. With all the aspiring pyromaniacs in our midst, it’s a wonder nobody burned the house down. We had a couple of talented artists among our rushes, and I remember some of those jack ‘o lanterns were pretty darned creative. Shauna wants me to carve a picture of Jasper’s head on our pumpkin, but I think I’ll go with my usual (and much easier) crossed out eyes and phallic nose. Anyhow, Happy Halloween to one and all, and I encourage feedback from my twelve loyal readers regarding any creative costumes they encounter this year.


Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED