Well I’ll tell you, I was shocked when I heard “Chimp Boy” and Donut Man’s daughter are finally going to make it legal.... it’s splitsville after twenty-two months of marital bliss. Who’d a thunk! Why, they just made a music video together ... what more definitive proclamation of everlasting love could there be??
The lawyers will fight like wolverines over who gets the iron lung and the amusement rides. I heard Lisa Marie is about to receive a $300 million delayed inheritance from her daddy’s estate, so, if I were her, which, admittedly, I am not, I would cut bait and send that hermaphrodite back to trolling the schoolyards. Don’t be greedy Lisa, your gender is still definable. Quit while you’re ahead!
This whole thing is going to rock Bubbles. That ape was already cruisin’ for a crash before this happened. I wouldn’t be surprised if this divorce pushes the world’s most famous flower chimp over the edge. She (it is a “she” right? it’s so hard to tell in that family) just got out of the Cheetah Clinic for Recovering Showbiz Chimps... following that much-publicized cocaine binge at Johnny Depp’s Viper Club .... did you read about that? Bubbles and Melanie Griffith were caught by the LAPD, coked out of their gourds, and speeding down Sunset Blvd. in Bubbles’ Shelby Cobra at 123 MPH. Luckily, there was a riot curfew, and no one else was on the streets that night. Bubbles even tried to bribe the cop. Welcome to the Pee Wee Herman Hall of Fame, hair butt, take your place next to Hugh Grant.
What else is news? Comedian George Burns turned 100 last week. He looks pretty good, it must be the cigars.
Someone conducted a poll last week and found that 74% of Americans surveyed felt Hillary Clinton lied in her Whitewater testimony. O.K. .... next subject. I put this in the category of “cheating on your income taxes” . If I want “War and Peace”, I’ll read the book. You media guys...can’t you find something a little juicier around which to circle? Tell me Bill was a former Grand Wizard of the KKK and maybe I’ll divert my attention from the stack of Geraldo shows I’ve taped, but haven’t yet watched. I am much more interested in whether or not that mud-wrestling transvestite clergyman reconciles with his alcoholic child-molesting father... inquiring minds want to know. Also, I hear that in 1996, there will be a Geraldo special on Jimmy Hoffa. You guessed it, they’re going to excavate Meadowlands “In Search of Hoffa’s Remains”... eight hours of unedited suspense. I’m taping that for sure. Let’s give Geraldo a hand for being on the cutting edge of journalistic experimentation. Maybe we should even give him a foot, he’s earned it.
Speaking of dismemberment, the O.J. jurors are making the rounds. I saw three of them on Larry King Live the other night, promoting their new book tour. Given what they now know, they say they might have arrived at a different verdict. Why have we not heard anything from the dog lately? Where is the dog? Did you know that O.J. is producing the dog’s video ... “Stinky’s Story” .... so, not only will he rake in the rubles on his own “I-Didn’t-Do-It” video, but now he can play the “dog card” too. Face it, O.J.’s played all of us. I feel so dirty ... but I will buy it .... I buy all of it .... regularly.
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©1996 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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