As most of my regular readers already know, I have been a close friend of Santa Claus for over twenty years now. He had some personal problems a while back, and I suppose that, in some small way, I helped him. I recommended a good lawyer in 1987 when he was slapped with that class action lawsuit over roof damage in New Jersey. ‘87 was a bad year for Santa. Rudolph fell “off the wagon” again, and there was the crippling elf strike. I got him into rehab after his FWI (flying while intoxicated) charge in Greenland. I advised him not to leave Mrs. Claus when she had that fling with the Kuwaiti arms dealer in 1994. My wife called it “menaclaus”, but whatever you want to call it, “the missus” really went off the deep end there for a few months. It just seemed a shame to let 438 years of marriage go down the tubes over one little error in judgment. Between you and me, Santa could probably do better; I think Bea Claus is uglier than E.T.
Anyhow, Santa and I have this bond, and I’ve never really asked him for anything… before now. This year, I’m breaking that tradition, and I have a list of simple requests for the main elf. Most of them are unselfish wishes -- I’ve got just about everything I need – but, I think these things might make good emotional “stocking stuffers” for mankind… here goes:
1.No more “Head-On” commercials!
2.No more CNN coverage of O.J. Simpson…inquiring minds DO NOT want to know, and seeing that guy’s arrogant smirk on television is just aggravating.
3.No more civilian Humvees in North America. As much as I applaud the excessive waste and consumption of our Western society, no one really needs an assault vehicle in North America, with the possible exception of the residents of Detroit.
4. Obama maybe, but PULEEEASE, not Hillary. I’m all for change, but Americans need a Democrat for whom we can vote. Just because she isn’t a boneheaded, right wing war-mongering freak, doesn’t mean she can’t screw things up worse than Baby Bush has.
5.The usual: world peace, no more hate crimes, no more bigotry, or hatred in general
6.Some kind of effective international system of monitoring and checking the poisonous by-products of religious fundamentalism. No matter whom you are, God is not telling you to murder each other.
7.Mandatory stun collars (set to “char”) for all bloodthirsty despots, especially the ones who use children to fight their wars
8.A more balanced trade deficit,
9.More global accountability for human rights violations
10.More food with less chemicals
11. A renewable source of energy which uses saltwater for fuel and leaves potable water as its by-product … then Al Gore can start whining about the shrinkage of our oceans.
12. A pay hike for all workers in Asia, India, and Indonesia; let’s even the playing field a bit.
13.A universal cap on all lawyers’ contingency fees
14.Face recognition software to monitor all airports and public places. The heck with our right to privacy … let’s get real; we lose that privilege as soon as we walk out the door of our house
15. More funding for medical R&D, a cure for all terminal illnesses, including AIDS, all forms of cancer, ALS, MS, FMS, Malaria, ADD, and the PTA
16. With reference to that last request, an altruistic drug company
17. Healthy national, or perhaps international debates on the subjects of euthanasia, abortion, and gay rights, not dictated by the boneheads of the religious far right
18. More movie remakes of 1970’s T.V. programs. We can’t have enough of those.
19. Less stupid people in government
20. Less stupid people in general
21. O.K., this one IS for me … more public officials and members of the media who can and do speak the King’s English.
And Santa, if you’re listening, get something nice for Mrs. Claus … maybe some make-up, or a paper bag to put over her head.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Anyhow, Santa and I have this bond, and I’ve never really asked him for anything… before now. This year, I’m breaking that tradition, and I have a list of simple requests for the main elf. Most of them are unselfish wishes -- I’ve got just about everything I need – but, I think these things might make good emotional “stocking stuffers” for mankind… here goes:
1.No more “Head-On” commercials!
2.No more CNN coverage of O.J. Simpson…inquiring minds DO NOT want to know, and seeing that guy’s arrogant smirk on television is just aggravating.
3.No more civilian Humvees in North America. As much as I applaud the excessive waste and consumption of our Western society, no one really needs an assault vehicle in North America, with the possible exception of the residents of Detroit.
4. Obama maybe, but PULEEEASE, not Hillary. I’m all for change, but Americans need a Democrat for whom we can vote. Just because she isn’t a boneheaded, right wing war-mongering freak, doesn’t mean she can’t screw things up worse than Baby Bush has.
5.The usual: world peace, no more hate crimes, no more bigotry, or hatred in general
6.Some kind of effective international system of monitoring and checking the poisonous by-products of religious fundamentalism. No matter whom you are, God is not telling you to murder each other.
7.Mandatory stun collars (set to “char”) for all bloodthirsty despots, especially the ones who use children to fight their wars
8.A more balanced trade deficit,
9.More global accountability for human rights violations
10.More food with less chemicals
11. A renewable source of energy which uses saltwater for fuel and leaves potable water as its by-product … then Al Gore can start whining about the shrinkage of our oceans.
12. A pay hike for all workers in Asia, India, and Indonesia; let’s even the playing field a bit.
13.A universal cap on all lawyers’ contingency fees
14.Face recognition software to monitor all airports and public places. The heck with our right to privacy … let’s get real; we lose that privilege as soon as we walk out the door of our house
15. More funding for medical R&D, a cure for all terminal illnesses, including AIDS, all forms of cancer, ALS, MS, FMS, Malaria, ADD, and the PTA
16. With reference to that last request, an altruistic drug company
17. Healthy national, or perhaps international debates on the subjects of euthanasia, abortion, and gay rights, not dictated by the boneheads of the religious far right
18. More movie remakes of 1970’s T.V. programs. We can’t have enough of those.
19. Less stupid people in government
20. Less stupid people in general
21. O.K., this one IS for me … more public officials and members of the media who can and do speak the King’s English.
And Santa, if you’re listening, get something nice for Mrs. Claus … maybe some make-up, or a paper bag to put over her head.
- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
1 comment:
Ok you lost me on #14, why not just have rfid tags implanted in everyone at birth, it would be easier and more cost effective? A super computer could easily track everyone any where they went and no one would commit a crime because then they would be sure to get caught… unless they for one reason or other didn’t have a tag or found a way to disable it… or they modified the photo in the database, or even better faked an id tag… oh but the government would make the tags impossible to counterfeit and the system impregnable, just like cash and ATM machines…
We have a shortage of intelligent people as it is, who do you thing they are going get to operate and overlook these systems, some university grad? I don’t think companies are going to waste that kind of money to monitor a system, no they will hire off the shelf “tech” grads from the local $40,000 a diploma school. How vulnerable to the criminal world do you think a 20 something kid who’s in debt up to his eye balls is going to be?
My point is that you can invade and monitor all you want but it will only give the bad people more ways to screw up the lives of good law abiding citizens, ever been accused of a crime you didn’t commit? Talk to some of the first victims of identity theft/fraud and see how they where treated by the infallible security system…
Look at history, how well has it worked in the past, what did it lead to, has any good ever come from taking away peoples freedoms?
We need more education, less people (let the sick people die with dignity rather then hopping them up on meds for an extra year or two), and work with other cultures to help keep the world in order.
Imo
Cheers,
Dugie
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